Wednesday, February 06, 2013

Sometimes I do wonder

How much a person can go through.  To Tom's wife, I truly understand.

I used to think in terms of "years".

2/2009 hubby had a heart attack in Mexico
3/2010 hubby had a triple bypass
2/2011 hubby had spinal fusion surgery and nearly died

Then things started speeding up...

3/2012 hubby was laid off
5/2012 we downsized by 2000 sf and moved 125 miles away, giving up our friends and lifestyle
7/2012 mom got really ill, started on hospice, required 24/7 care

Then weekly

9/14/2012 hubby's mom died
9/21/2012 my mom died
9/22/2012 I find out about hubby's credit card debt
9/30/2012 hubby approved for disability, files for bankruptcy

12/12/2012 we file for legal separation

A month cleaning out 2 houses
My 14 year old chihuahua has a heart attack and we are told he has 6 months to live

There have been so many many moments when I have not been able to breathe.  Panic.  Fear.  Grief.  Loneliness.  Sometimes it is just too overwhelming. Sometimes I simply can't think.  Some days I pretend its not me just so I can get thru the day.

Hubby continues to do well.  Thank goodness!  We continue to get along just fine.  Maybe we are meant to have a long distance relationship.  He has his moments when he wants to get in the truck and just drive home.  But he can't leave his dad.  I have moments when I want to hop on a plane, but I have responsibilities here.

Today was not a good day for me.  I ripped out all the old junk cabinets that were in the garage when we bought this house.  Symbolic?  Cleaning out the crap in my life?  Who knew that I could take out cabinets???  Last week I completely rearranged all the furniture inside the house.  Excess energy?  Working through all my grief?  Maybe I should just take up running!  LOL!!

Life does go on.  One step at a time.  One day at a time.  I am slowly getting back into a pattern, a routine.  A new pattern.  Not the same as it was before, but scheduling trips to the big city, dentist and doctors visits, taking a few classes....getting back into life.

There are still moments when I miss mom so much I have a good cry.  Still times when it hurts to breathe.  Still days when I don't get out of bed.  But they are fewer and far between.  Slowly, life is getting back to life.

How much more can I take?  I'd rather not even think about it!!!


Lilly said...

Diabetes Wife,

You put it so well. Each day is a struggle, but life does go on . . . and it seems as if major, stressful events get thrown at us all at once! Hang in there. You have been through so much. Please know there have been many days when you helped me to survive the craziness of my own life.

Sending you prayers, positive thoughts, and energy,


Gizgad said...

Oh how I understand this post. In the past 5 months we have lost my husband's father, sister and mother. One right after another. I hold my breath everytime the phone rings expecting it to be more bad news. Got a phone call last night from the nursing home about my father. X-rays, breathing treatments & antibiotics....just what I needed. One day at a day at a time...that's all we can do. Hugs to you.

tomswife said...

we are truly two of a kind
my marriage probably won't end in divorce because Tom truly saw that I may leave and he got scared (remember "scared straight" ?)

but otherwise - so many parallels in our lives

I think of you often and hope that each day gets better for you...

eMedOutlet said...

I was speechless. How much one can take from life. It's too much. I would like to appreciate your spirit.

One more thing I would like to tell you rather appreciate you that in couple of hundreds words, you described the life time. Just keep on writing.

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