Friday, July 19, 2013

Another month gone by

I will try to post once a month just so I can remember what's going on.  Hubby is still living at his dads. He has now been gone 10 months.  I'm adapting nicely to being "single".  He still calls 2-3 times every day, but says he is not coming back here.  Week before last, he had to put our 13 yr old chihuahua to sleep.  That was very sad.  But it is so much better than having the pup suffer in pain.

I bought a new dining table and chairs.  I have always hated the one we had.  He bought it when he was still married to his ex.  I have not told him.  I put the old one in the garage.  I'm still busy in the garden and see absolutely no end in sight to that!  Taking up way too much of my time, but I love it.  Life seems to be flying by.  I rarely even think about diabetes.  I have much less stress, much less worrying.

He calls and says he is depressed, sad, tired.  I wonder why he calls to tell me things like that.  Does he want me to cheer him up?  It is not my job.  Does he want me to feel sorry for him?  It is not my job.  Does he think I can fix things for him?  It is not my job.  But I do wonder why he keeps calling so much.  Am I a "connection" to something he wants to hold on to?  Does he honestly think we can live apart for a year and then pick up where we left off should his father die?  What if his dad lives another 10 years?  No - I would not allow this to go on that long, but how long?

Family and friends are starting to ask me why we are still married.  I tell them I will not ask that question until it has been a year, then I will start asking.  But the questions are starting.  Do I want him to come home?  Could I live with him again?  Could we make a "home" together after so much time apart?  Am I refusing to move forward because this is "easy"? and the unknown future is frightening?  Am I just too comfortable with the current arrangement?  All questions I will face sometime, but not at this time.

For now, I'm continuing my own personal grief over mom's death. I'm growing as a person.  I'm healing after 4 intense years of caring for a diabetic roller coaster ride from near death to life.  And I think as long as I'm healing, I'm in a good place.



Lilly said...

Good for you on getting rid of the old dining set. And if he ever decides he wants it, it is waiting for him in the garage! I had to deal with questions as well when I was trying to figure out what to do with my hubby . . . live in misery forever, just stay separated, or go for the divorce?. But as you know, those decisions have to be made as YOU are ready to make them. It is different for everyone. In the meantime, take care of yourself. It really is one day at a time.

By the way, my hubby never passes up the opportunity to tell me how badly he is doing physically, although the phone calls have greatly dwindled because I quit answering the phone when I knew it was him. After speaking to members of his family, I have decided it is some kind of power trip for him, to try to make me feel guilty for leaving.



Diabeteswife said...

Thanks, Lilly. It really is one day at a time!

lejmom said...

So glad to hear your update. Have thought of you often. You do not know me---but I am behind you on many levels for many reasons...Jane

Deb said...

I've read your blog for quite a while now. I live with a diabetic partner too, so that's how I started reading it.

Just wanted to say that I am very happy that you have found peace and a life for yourself!