Monday, April 05, 2010

Post-surgery emotions

I had been warned that open heart surgery can completely change a person's emotions. And that for the first 2 years post surgery, there can be lots of emotions, depression, etc. But I just was not prepared for what he did Saturday morning.

I woke up and was working on my laptop in bed. It was almost 9 and I decided I'd better wake him up. So I called to him and he didn't answer. I called again. So I turned the light on and he didn't move. He wasn't moving. I got up, talking all the time, telling him it was time to get up and still no movement. I put my hand on his shoulder. I really thought he had gone into a coma. I wasn't going to panic, but I was already thinking about what to do - call 911, or stick OJ down his throat. I started to take his CPap mask off and he grinned.

I just burst out into tears and came downstairs and cried so hard. I didn't know whether to get madder than I have ever been at him, or just give up.

He did this once before when we were at a friend's house and he promised me he would never ever do it again. So I know I can't ask him to promise me that again. He is not capable of keeping a promise. He came down and was truly sorry. But I said to him that he can't possibly understand what he just put me through. I said that I had sat in that surgery room for 8 hours, praying non-stop for him. That I had gotten everyone I know in the entire world to pray for him. And now, he can merely joke about it and act dead?

He agreed that he can't know what I'm going through. We didn't talk for the next few hours. It wasn't a tense silence at was a remorseful one. I know I can't change him. I know that he will never understand how much I love him. And it simply pains me that he doesn't love me enough, that he doesn't care for me enough to keep me from this kind of needless suffering.

When he does go into a coma I will probably just stand there and punch him to death. It's going to take something for me to ever believe he is in a coma at this point. And I explained that to him. But he just doesn't get it. He doesn't see how fragile life is right now. I think he doesn't care.

And I thought I was worn out before? I had nothing to give him or anyone else all weekend long. I was just completely drained. And he doesn't even understand that.

I don't want to stay, but I know I can't leave. He can't even drive himself to the doctor's right now.

I want to hurt him so much. I want to make him feel this pain. This utter sense of violation. This sheer hopelessness. But I don't think I ever can. And then I feel guilty for wanting him in more pain after what he has just been through.

And no, he was not in a sugar high or low....he just was not thinking about how his actions might affect me so soon after surgery.

So then yesterday, he was depressed all day long. And I'm not sure why. I think it's because his son had invited him to attend Easter sunrise services at their church and we, together, had decided it was not the best thing to do, that it would be too much this close after surgery. The church is about 18k people, the services are outdoors, early, cold, and quite a long drive from here. And I still think the decision to not go was the healthy choice, but he was depressed all day long. Wouldn't talk. Wouldn't smile at anything. Just sat and moped all day long. Sigh. I don't know which is worse. That deep of a depression, or risking the outdoor elements to go to a church.

Here's hoping the week improves.


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