Wednesday, August 22, 2012

And yet, again.....

he walked outside this morning with no shirt on, wearing only the skimpiest of boxer type shorts - at least these were navy and could pass for swimming trunks - about 4 sizes too small.  Grossly obese stomach hanging over them so much.....I thought to myself - how can I love someone who looks like this?

And my sister was here, helping me in the garden.

I just wanted to die.

I didn't say a word to him, but I ranted to her for 3 hours!  LOL!  She is a great sounding board!  We drove around trying to find a house that she can buy.  She's in so much limbo - living in a tiny duplex here, her hubby 3 hours away working, helping care for mom - and today was a day "off" - although we spent 3 hours of it with mom.

Came home and hubby is out in the pergola with the incense going.  Now, you have to understand that I am highly allergic to incense - I tend to get sick to my stomach if it is too strong and I have asked him not to burn it.  I guess I did not clarify that meant "anywhere at all".  I asked him to put it out and he got mad.  I mean he got livid.  I'm not sure what he wants - me puking all over the place.  It's one of those things that I can smell a mile away.  And I was out working in the yard when he decided to come out and light up.

What is is about incense?  It really is the most horrible smell and he was trying to use it in the house to cover up dog pee.  So he has slammed his door shut and I'm sure he's burning it in his room.  I believe that he has no sense of smell anymore and certainly does not comprehend that when he opens the door, it fills this entire place - such a tiny little house.

I know that he is depressed.  Beyond belief depressed.  And every little tiny thing sets him into a rage.  I have not been available to give him any attention for the last 4 weeks and I can tell he is on the edge of a volcanic eruption at any moment.  It is tough living like this, that's for sure.

But what can you do?  He won't go see a doctor.  He denies he is depressed.  He is like a 3 year old who wants to do what they want when they want.  Throwing "temper tantrums" when he doesn't get his way.

He has a retirement settlement of about $40K that is coming.  I almost expect him to take it and leave.  If he does, I will not allow him to return and I will not continue to pay for his health insurance.  I'm not sure if he is capable of logic and reasoning at this point, but if he walks out that door, he will not be coming back.  If he thinks he can go have a good time with the money and come back when it's gone - ok, that's not going to happen.  :o)

Anyway, just another post to vent and log what is going on here at home.  So sad that he simply cannot find happiness in his retirement.  Just really sad.


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