Annie wrote:

I have reached a point in my 6 year relationship with someone who has type 1 and I can't stand it anymore. Most of the time when he gets verbally abusive he says its because he is high or in some cases low. Is it just an excuse or is this ligit? I would hope that he is not using this as an excuse but I cant stand his usual statement anymore : " you know how I get when my blood sugar is high. How come you are being so sensitive."? This is all hard to explain in one blurb but I have been so patient, and even if I need to be more understanding to his Highs and lows I cant say it doesn't hurt and weigh on my emotions.


She posted this to an old blog and it will be buried so I will copy it here.  Annie, 6 years is an amazingly long time to put yourself in a verbally abusive relationship.

Is it legit or is it an excuse?  Hard to say.  Probably a little bit of both.  If he is going really low, he probably doesn't remember what he says to you.  If he is going high, he will most likely be jittery, edgy, ancy, angry....sort of both the same type of reaction when high and low....just different ends of the spectrum.

And while he may really not remember the words he says to you, he still said them and you remember them and that hurt never truly goes away no matter how much you love him.

I have come to the point where I think it is what he truly thinks of me, but that those feelings are masked when his glucose is level because he is so afraid to be left alone.  When he gets pissed, he threatens to leave.  When he is normal, he is so scared to be alone.  It's what we all call the "roller coaster ride".  You just never can tell from one moment to the next what mood he will be in.  And it's such a hard way to function on a day-to-day basis.

Trust me, I have many moments when I cannot stand it any more.  That is when I go do something.  Go to a movie alone, go walk around the mall, just go to the park and sit and watch people.  I get out and away for at least an hour and almost always by the time I return, he is back to normal.  It's a chance for me to clear my head, keep my wits about myself and try to get a handle on the fact that he most likely is not directing his abusive comments to me, simply flinging them in my direction.

And the hurt.  Well - it is there.  I think I've learned to live with it and forgive him, but I have my moments when I don't have to and I can be mad and angry at him for a pretty long time.  But it still hurts.  It never goes away. 

On the other hand, when he is "normal", life with him is wonderful and fun, and everything is great.  I often say that I wish I could be with "that hubby" all the time - life would be grande!  But it simply does not happen that way with a diabetic.

Good luck to you as you continue your journey

DW

A letter from John

Dear DW,

I have read thru most of your blog here and ALOT of what is posted is so true. My wife is a type 1 who has had diabetes for the last 10 years. She does try to control her numbers because she is forced to but the side effects and the laziness/not exercising is just as bad as your husbands.

I feel your frustration of having no place to vent and always having to be supportive. It does not end ever, you never know when a (for me) low number is going to show up! I can relate to so much, the yelling and fights over the dumbest things and then once you figure out that they need to get out of a low they act as if nothing happened, just gets me so mad!

My wife never sees my anger or hatred. We have 2 young kids and I have to explain that mom is not mad at them but it is just part of diabetes. I try to absorb as much of this hatred and anger to me. She also tries to pass tests, for her A1C if she wakes up and her numbers and not in the normal range she will go and get the lab work done on a day when her numbers are good. It’s Like a denial, throw in the depression and I never know what kind of day that I am waking up to.

 I am also always phoning the house just to make sure she is alive. It's like I have 3 kids and the worrying never fully leaves you. And the sleeping on the couch! I am a really light sleeper and have lost track of the number of times that I would wake up and she would be in a low induced coma, the glucagon needle has saved us so much on ambulance costs! She would be low and with this sugar needle in 15 mins she is up and working normally, give her some food to stabilize her and she is fine. And I love how she is mad at me for waking her up in the middle of the night and can’t recall a damn thing.

Sorry if I am going on and on and my thoughts are jumping all over the place but it has taken me a while to go thru your blog and I did not want to add comments all over the place. I am in my 30's and there are days I just want a normal life. Where did my 150lb working wife go? She is so over weight and the things she eats, just boxes of chocolate and candies, she always tells me that she is in control of her numbers but she is not. I hate to argue and fight! it is not in my personality! The times I have tried to reason with her have just ended up in disaster.

The hate tread that is directed to me! I work and do all everything, cleaning, cooking,  you can tell what rooms I have been to by if they are clean or not! and she just found out that she is getting kidney problems. I read where you are in your life and it is where I am going. I will keep working my butt off and taking care of my kids and wife but she is slowly starting to die.

There is no way she will hit 55 at this rate. I would never tell her any of this, I always have to be positive to her even with the screaming that I get. Again sorry if this is going on and on but it is the truth. It is amazing that we were able to have kids who are pretty healthy but there is NO support for the spouse's of diabetics. Every day she is getting bigger and with the depression you get laziness and sleeping in. Say the wrong thing in the morning and your day is shot. I find it very frustrating that she no longer gives signs of going low! No more sweating or her telling me. It’s just down to her yelling and or just little things only a spouse can pick up.

 I wish I had family that could help me so I could get 1 day off from this, But our family have no idea on how to handle the simple things , like use a meter! They call me for instructions. I love the kids that we have but on a personal basis. There is a point where I want to put myself first for once!

 My reward will be kids grown up and moved out, dead wife and I will enter my golden years without a spouse. I look forward to the break from the diabetes but the cost will be me on vacation by myself and  I will not want a companion (my love).

There are days I am so tired, tired of the yelling, fighting, depression, worrying, responsibility , work, no sleeping, It does not end. My personal drive of being forced to get stuff done because there is no one else some days are the only thing that keeps me going.

The brief moments of a normal life are so far and between, just enough to reminds you and tease you. Only a spouse of a longtime non-compliant diabetic will ever understand the rant that I just posted. Keep up with the blog, it is my future!

Best of luck, I fully understand and feel for you!!!!! - TYPE_1_DH

I wrote back and asked John if I could post his email here and he said I could.  Of course, I wrote back much more than that.  But I wanted to share his email here because I just think there are more and more of us spouses with no way to connect, no resources, no one listening to us, and John is just another example.

My heart goes out to him because he has young kids. And while his wife probably can't help here highs and lows if she's non-compliant....the end result is that the kids get the brunt of it.  We all know how our spouses get towards us - imagine a small child seeing mom in a high or low.  Just breaks my heart!

And John is just so young.  He is doing exactly what I do. He is venting here....and then being a loving, devoted, helpful, caring spouse in real life.  I think that's what all of us do.  But we need a place to vent, that's for sure!

When John replied back (I won't post all of what he wrote) he hit me in my heart when he said,

" I just want to yell at her " Is this not a team effort? do your share of the work around here and free up some of my time!" But if I even hint to that, she will get very depressed, bla bla bla and I can see her or some family memeber will pull out the diabetic card on me!" I would be such a evil person for being unsupportive. "

Isn't that the truth?  Diabetics pull out the "diabetic card" and make us, the spouses, feel like we are evil, unsupportive, uncaring.

To John, you and your kids are in all of our prayers.  Write back and let us know how you are.

DW