Sunday, March 27, 2011

Catatonic moments.......

newtothis wrote:

Dear DW, Yes, your MBA is showing. Good for you and I am not surprised you've earned one. Isn't life such a funny set of occurrences? We never know where they will take us. However, I do enjoy meeting the ones whose paths these occurrences have cross my own. Hopefully you make and keep a hard copy of your blog. I never fully trust a computer or site to safely keep/hold information. (I've seen information disappear from the "net" as well as personal computers...but that is a different story.) You have the guts of a book here. With the statistics rising and your intimate knowledge, you have an unique insight into this horrible disease. Not just how it effects its host, but what it does to the spouse. Have you thought about this? The last thing I want is for you to stop your blog. I've just found you! Your advice for me very well may save my spirit if not my marriage. I bring this up to you because being around PhDs I hear about lots of book deals. And with your updated "diabetes statistics" how many of us are out here in the cold, alone? We need someone like you to champion our plight. ...Yes, I am being a little dramatic here, but my P-DH had a marathon 24 hour rage session on me. I was pretty much catatonic by the time it was over. Last night I looked for you and you were there. You answered my comments and helped me. There are a lot of me(s) out here and the medical community is not helping us. Just thought I would ask. Thank you for your advice. The next time he starts "raging" I plan on pouring a glass of OJ and set it on the counter, tell my boys we have somewhere to be and get us in the car and be somewhere else for a few hours. Whatever I come home to couldn't be worse than what I've put myself and children through this past weekend. Needless to say when it was over he appoligized and said I didn't do anything wrong. He then spent the night throwing-up and I have spent the day checking on him asking if he ate. Love to you, S

I had to laugh....because I woke up thinking to myself this morning, "I am so old to this!" LOL!!! And really, I'm not at all. Hubby has only had difficulties with this in the last 5 years.....and I only started going to his medical visits with him about 2 years ago when he started in with the heart problems. Prior to that....everything I've written is just my feelings. I did very little research. But I've made up for that lack in rapid speed, that's for certain.

No, no thoughts on a book. But many thoughts on some kind of speaking tour. I just think the medical staff would never sit down and read a book. Who would care? It' some statistic's wife. It's just not real. But if I could stand in front of them and have a powerpoint presentation with them the evidence, tell them my experience at the hospital and ask if they really want to help the patient.....

and still I think they would just look at me as the incredibly insane wife of a patient that they think would have done just fine without me. After all - he is alive. They were the staff. They "took care of him". No credit to me that I stood there and corrected their mistakes, charted their errors.....employees just do not want to hear that kind of stuff. They only want you to tell them what they did right, wonderful, terrific. Not what they messed up on!

Hospital adminstrators don't want to hear anything negative either. So here I stay, just blogging away....hoping that in some small way it gives insight to another woman who is in my shoes, struggling to get through a single moment, worrying about where the strength to get through the rest of the day is going to come from!

I loved the term "catatonic". It's exactly where I am at this moment.....and hubby hasn't been in a rage. I'm catatonic from the hospital experience. The kind of catatonic where you lack movement, activity or expression. I am simply blank. And I know why. I am struggling to go through all my notes and put them in some semblance of order.....and each time I read hurts. I physically and mentally go through the event again and I just feel sick. So I stop. And then I get paralyzed and can't move forward with this project.....that I know I need to do while the events are still fresh enough that I can get them into their proper order.

But it also draws me right back to the other catatonic moments. When you go blank to avoid hearing the harsh words that are spewing forth from his mouth when he is in the middle of a rage. Or the paralyitic freeze you go into when you fear that he might hit you, or pick up the kitchen knife and come at you.....knowing full well that he has no comprehension whatsover of his actions - so you "freeze" - become void of all expression, because the tiniest little flicker out of the corner of your eye might be what sets him off.

Or how about the never ending catatonic moments when you listen to see if he is breathing. He's asleep on the sofa and you look at him from across the room and try to see if his chest or stomach are moving - any indication at all that he is still alive.

I have to agree.....leaving and coming could what you find when you return be any worse than the barrage of hateful words and looks he is going to continue to spew forth if you continue to stand there? I might not even leave a glass of orange juice! Depends on the severity of his actions/words. I might just run and get the heck out of there as fast as I could.....especially if I still had kids at home.

This is not an easy life, being the spouse of a diabetic.  There are tough choices that we have to make moment by moment.  And there is very little support for any of us in the medical community.  For me, writing has been the catharsis.  The thing that gets me through moment by moment.  Gaining so many friends has just been a bonus to what I know I have to do to survive.  If I have helped you in any way, then that is God's blessing to me - as it was not my intent from the beginning.  I don't have the answers.  I've not been trained in counseling.  But I can certainly share my own experiences and if you gain from then, then I am more than happy that I am writing my episodes of the ups and downs, the never ending roller coaster, that merry-go-round that we each live on, in and with.

Today is a quiet day.  A jammie sunday.  Wishing each of you a peaceful day!



Lynn Barry said...

Jammie Sunday...I love that...and I am doing that too...Keep on keeping on and again, I hope you are still forging ahead with your plan to sell the house and move near your sis...that makes me happy and all I know you from is on here. HUGS

Lilly said...

Catatonic. I guess that is a good word for what we go through! No, it is not easy, and I'm thinking going through your blog piece by piece isn't, either. I surprise myself at the things I "forget" after awhile, and reviewing your blog has probably brought it all back for you. I think the forgetting every detail (at least for me) allows me to survive and go on. At the same time, it is good you are saving your posts. I should probably start doing the same, before I have several years of them to go through.
Take care,

Anonymous said...

I've sat back a while reflecting on this post.

It's still painful for me to think about that night. The catatonic night I found you had addressed my comments. I can’t think of a way to describe how I felt that doesn’t come off sounding like a tired old cliché. You had been through so much with your DH at the hospital. Yet, you gave your time to help the stranger from the other side of the words on your computer screen.

Then I saw the list of the Missing; all the other strangers behind the words on your screen. Contemplating the whys of their silence is deafening.

Staying anonymous keeps us safe, makes us brave and gives us courage to be open and honest. But, I hadn’t thought to what happens when the voices go silent. It makes me think of the faded posters I’ve seen of loved ones lost. It makes me think of the high price you pay for the kindness of your heart.

Oh DW, you make me think a lot.