Friday, February 04, 2011

Complete shut down

His kidneys have stopped. He is back in "mini" surgery having a port put in for dialysis. He has always said that he would never agree to dialysis, but I talked to him yesterday and got him to agree. I told him that if he refuses it in the hospital, he will never walk out alive. I got the nephrologist to agree to only put in a temporary port - good for one week at most.

I had to sign the consent form. That's how out of it he is. Me. I had to sign consent for my husband to go on dialysis - which we both consider to be life support - and we both have DNRs.

But I also know that if he refused, he will go from here to a nursing home and never get out. I want him home so he can make all the decisions.

And I have completely shut down. Nothing matters. Tomorrow doesn't count. Hope doesn't count. Thinking about yesterday isn't possible. I feel like I am in a shell and the shell only exists for this moment only. So I know it's a form of shock and I'm very aware of what I'm going through and I'm simply allowing myself to take the steps I need to get from this one minute to this one minute.

He has a wonderful team of nurses today. I love the endocrinologist here and am so pleased with the nephrologist. The critical care doctor is avoiding me like the plague, and I'm certainly ok with that! My sis is here by my side making sure that I eat, take my pills, walk. I think she wants me to nominate her for saint-hood! She is taking care of everything at the house.

I don't know when they will do the dialysis, I'm hoping farily soon after they get the port in. OK, so I was explaining to someone else, he has had a port in his upper right chest since Monday. He has 3 IV ports in his right arm and 1 in his left arm. They still draw blood directly from his left arm for labs and still inject his insulin directly into his stomach with needles. I just don't know how much more one human body can take.....and now dialysis.

If it goes well and he has no adverse reactions, I will go home and sleep in as long as I want tomorrow before coming back in here.

I have been sitting here just wondering what diabetics think. I have heard so many say, "I take good care of myself. Nothing will happen to me. I'm compliant. I'll never let it get that bad." And I know my husband said that all through his 20s and 30s. But as a person ages and other parts of the body start to years and years of having this disease start to take their toll on the can anyone say "it won't happen to me."? My heart aches for all the diabetics who are going to be in my husband's spot and have no clue what is coming at them or how hard it will hit them. But my heart weeps for all the spouses that will go through this.

My brother-in-law was healthy as could be and died in his sleep of a heart attack at the age of 55. We should all be that lucky.

No one should suffer like my husband is suffering this week.



Lilly said...

I am so, so sorry for both of you. NO ONE should have to go through this. Also angry at the doctor who insisted he knew what he was doing when he so obviously didn't. Wish I could do something to help, as this is a horrible place to be. Do whatever you absolutely have to right now (I call it being on auto-pilot), and let the rest wait for now. Hope you get the much-needed rest you need, as you will need it in the days ahead. Sending a hug to you . . .

Anonymous said...

and no one should suffer like you are suffering this week. hopefully he is so "out of it" that he doesn't realize that he is suffering. but you do, you see his pain, and you feel your loss. Keep the faith. this will get better. it has to! I hope you sleep tonight. Tom's Wife

Lynn Barry said...

omg MY DEAR friend. My heart aches for you and your hubby. I love you. XO