Monday, November 02, 2009

From Tom's Wife:

Hi! Yes I'm here. Its just that I have been traveling for work and the renovations on my kitchen have started. it has been a VERY hectic three weeks.

Lisa, my heart goes out to you. when you love your guy you want to do everything you can to help. but at the end of the day (week, year) you simply will wear out. If he were your child wouldn't you want to teach him to be independent and take care of himself and not be so reliant on others? It is physically impossible for you to be with him (and awake) 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
It's REALLY difficult, but at some point, you will find out what DW and I and so many others have learned. these guys don't want to die. They do take care of themselves (even if they don't do a great job all the time). Take little steps. Start setting out his medications (by dose) and leave it for him to take, if he doesn't take it, let him face the consequences. Leave the house, talk on the phone, leave the room, do whatever you need to do so you don't have to witness the difficult stuff. We know how hard this is but try just one small thing, see how it goes and let us know......

Toms Wife


Glad to see you are still here. I am so tired tonight. Hubby has not been able to walk since Friday. I don't know what is more exhausting - the emotions and worry, or running errands. Or the time change. LOL! He is so young (only 55), but his body is simply giving out on him. I wish he would go see his doctor, but he won't.

Bless my brother - he offered to give my husband one of his kidneys. But I told him that he needs to keep it, he has very young children and they may need one down the line. But how incredibly nice for him to offer.

My brother is the youngest sibling and I often think when my husband passes, my brother will be my "crutch". But I also think my sisters are the ones who I will lean on most. At least I have a large family support system.




Lisa wrote:
Great to hear from someone who has been there. What I find interesting is how many people feel it is my responsiblity to make sure he does everything right. Especialy other women. If he is not eating correctly, it must be something I am doing wrong. I do have my own intersts, and do work, however when something happen with his health in the end it is my problem. It is a tough and frustrating disease, with many side effects. Many are very difficult for men to handle and women to live with. Great to be able to vent. Lisa


Interesting comment Lisa. My family does not feel that way. The completely understand that it is his disease and there is nothing I can do to help him - when he doesn't want to help himself. However, that is not how it is on his side of the family. His mother thinks I should set out his pills for him, count them out, nag him to take them....my husband's father is also a diabetic and that's exactly what she does for him.

I think today I need to vent about the side affect of neuropathy. I wish I could photograph his feet - but he would want to know why. And we went out to lunch - he couldn't hold his fork. Dropped it on his plate and it banged so loud I jumped. I wasn't looking and just wasn't prepared for the sound of it. But I know he can't close his fingers and grasp things. When there's no feeling in the ends of the feet and hands.....it really does have an impact on how one feeds themselves, gets dressed, drives.....and just so many other htings.

Here's hoping that tomorrow will be a better day with less infection.

DW

1 comment:

tomswife said...

DW, I am so sorry. your husband is only 55? It causes me to be more grateful to Tom. He is 57 and he still plays tennis several times a week - that actually drives me crazy because he isn't available when I "need" him. Don't tell him but I will be more supportive of that than ever.

And your brother is a real doll! But isn't it so often the case that the ones who are so giving just keep on giving? And when your family is there for you, its the best. I have a great family also - but not all families are like that.

Lisa's comments about women judging her about not taking care of her husband hit home with me. My family is mostly supportive but they sometimes waiver. But my husband's family -- well they are another story. the closest we ever really came to divorce was over this issue. Tom had a bad car accident while in a diabetic shock and my husband's mother called me at work to scold me for not doing all of the correct things to make sure it didn't happen. SO INAPPROPRIATE!

First I told Tom that if he didn't tell her she crossed a line then I was walking out. He spoke to her but she cried and, well, he weasled between us. Then when it came to the holidays that year he wanted me to stay at her house. Again, I had to lay it on the line. If I went I stayed in a hotel. Otherwise I didn't go with him. He clearly had a choice -- he chose me even though she gave both of us a piece of her mind for not staying at her house. I walked away from her and wouldn't let her near me. Not sure what Tom listened to from her, but know that she gave him a lot. Too bad. That was about 15 years ago, I have never really forgiven her -- Of course she never gives up but then neither do I. I think I have learned to not let it bother me, but truth is that criticism is always difficult when its about something that you want to be true. You wish you were able to keep him healthy and safe. But its simply not in your power. Just when you think you have given up that power grab, someone comes along and says, "why haven't you ..." I guess its human nature, but sometimes it just irritates.....

oh well, food for thought.

I wish all a good night's sleep; I will try not to wake up with Tom tonight when his meter beeps at 2 or 3 or 4 or whatever time it goes off......

tom's wife