Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Tom's wife wrote:

DW, I am so sorry. your husband is only 55? It causes me to be more grateful to Tom. He is 57 and he still plays tennis several times a week - that actually drives me crazy because he isn't available when I "need" him. Don't tell him but I will be more supportive of that than ever.

And your brother is a real doll! But isn't it so often the case that the ones who are so giving just keep on giving? And when your family is there for you, its the best. I have a great family also - but not all families are like that.

Lisa's comments about women judging her about not taking care of her husband hit home with me. My family is mostly supportive but they sometimes waiver. But my husband's family -- well they are another story. the closest we ever really came to divorce was over this issue. Tom had a bad car accident while in a diabetic shock and my husband's mother called me at work to scold me for not doing all of the correct things to make sure it didn't happen. SO INAPPROPRIATE!

First I told Tom that if he didn't tell her she crossed a line then I was walking out. He spoke to her but she cried and, well, he weasled between us. Then when it came to the holidays that year he wanted me to stay at her house. Again, I had to lay it on the line. If I went I stayed in a hotel. Otherwise I didn't go with him. He clearly had a choice -- he chose me even though she gave both of us a piece of her mind for not staying at her house. I walked away from her and wouldn't let her near me. Not sure what Tom listened to from her, but know that she gave him a lot. Too bad. That was about 15 years ago, I have never really forgiven her -- Of course she never gives up but then neither do I. I think I have learned to not let it bother me, but truth is that criticism is always difficult when its about something that you want to be true. You wish you were able to keep him healthy and safe. But its simply not in your power. Just when you think you have given up that power grab, someone comes along and says, "why haven't you ..." I guess its human nature, but sometimes it just irritates.....

oh well, food for thought.

I wish all a good night's sleep; I will try not to wake up with Tom tonight when his meter beeps at 2 or 3 or 4 or whatever time it goes off......

tom's wife

I wonder if we have the same mother-in-law! LOL! I have not been to visit mine in over 2 years. Hubby has been to visit her, but I keep managing to get out of the trips. I figure it's good to stay as busy as I do, gives me an excuse/reason why I can't go visit!

We have had our share of "words" over the years. She thinks I should be her son's personal nurse and we know that's not going to happen. She is now needing a walker and I know she is putting pressure on him to care for her. But I have my own mother who is needing more and more help these days and I just refuse to spread myself any thinner than I am.

So, he has gone to bed with a migraine headache this afternoon. This is happening more and more often. I do worry that he will lose his job and yet am so grateful that he can work from home almost all the time and can rest when he needs to like this. I don't know how he could continue to work if he was required to go into an office every day.

I am starting to think that the stress of what is happening to him, his frustrations with his loss of body functions, are having an impact on my own personal health. Hadn't really given that much thought. But my own blood pressure is starting to be a little elevated. And I find I am getting more and more exhausted and the tired periods seem to be tied in with his highs and lows. Like it's wearing me out to try and be normal when he is ranting and raving. Interesting. Something I will have to pay a little more attention to.



lisa said...

Can't believe you mentioned your mother inlaw. Mine is finally gone, after she tortured me for many years. She would tell me that I was too shrict and mean about what my husband was eating, and then tell me I probably made him diabetic. Of course my husband would say to forget it, I was too sensitive! Its very difficult when that support is not there. I too physically feel the strain. Yoga seems to help. I also go to art classes. You have to concentrate on other things sometimes. Not easy. Lisa

Neil Curtis said...

Here is one for you. My wife went to the doctor yesterday and they kept insisting that I take High Blood Pressure pills. She got into a big argument because I am healthier than most men my age, which is 60. I wish she had recorded that non sense. If they keep pushing it, I will demand a research article that can prove that I will live a day longer when my blood pressure runs 108- to 128 over 70