Saturday, November 07, 2009

Lisa wrote: Can't believe you mentioned your mother inlaw. Mine is finally gone, after she tortured me for many years. She would tell me that I was too shrict and mean about what my husband was eating, and then tell me I probably made him diabetic. Of course my husband would say to forget it, I was too sensitive! Its very difficult when that support is not there. I too physically feel the strain. Yoga seems to help. I also go to art classes. You have to concentrate on other things sometimes. Not easy. Lisa

I cannot believe she said you made him have diabetes! How stupid is she? I mean seriously......anyone who thinks diabetes can be caused by another human being is either stupid.....or an abusive bully. Take you pick! OK, maybe a little of both!!!

And for your husband to write it off as you being "too sensitive" simply shows how utterly insensitive he is.

It really is not easy to build a life for yourself.....but someone once told me that a human being has to get support from a source. Most of us get it from home. Or work. And if we don't get from there....then where? Being retired, my options are home (nope, not there), or through my art. And that is the life I am building for myself - my art. Not easy.....but necessary.

andmaree wrote:

I just came across your site tonight. It's relieving to know I'm not alone. I have a diabetic husband. We've been together for 18years. I unlike you, is on the brink of divorce. He refuses to even take his medication. He's also constantly in and out of the hospital and also nursing homes. We have no children and I feel like I have ruined my life by being married to this selfish person. I'm full of so much pain at this moment because I feel like I have been a complete fool. My own health has suffered through this horrible marriage.

I can truly empahsize with you. I was at a crossroads about getting a divorce almost 5 years ago.....and my husband was/is nowhere near the condition yours is in. But I know just where we are headed. I know how hard this must be for you. But it is women just like yourself who I would like to encourage to write about your experience. Why? Because I want to know where I am headed. I want to know the steps in the process. I want to know how you handled each step of the way. And while I know it is devastatingly hard to write about this one does.....and so many of us feel alone and are in the dark about what to expect.

My husband has not been into a nursing home yet. So I have to wonder when do I expect that? Are there signs/symptoms that I can look for?

And do not feel like you have been a complete fool. Love makes all of us do insane things. Including me. I am still in this relationship because I tell myself I love him. But I also have to ask (ok, each one of us has to ask) are we doing the right thing? Are we destroying our own health because the marriage is so horrible? Do we simply stay for the foolish hope that things will return to how they once were (yeah, I'm STILL that stupid!). Do we hang in because of some element of hope? Or is it because they make us feel so guilty we can't leave?

My husband is great at manipulating words to make me feel horribly guilty. He is a pro. But I tell myself that those ugly words only come out when he is in a sugar low - which I think is the truth. But is it? And if they come out in a "low" ....are the what he is thinking on a normal day and keeps to himself? Ya gotta wonder.

Right now....I'm having a wonderful 4 day break at my sister's house. I love coming here. While he does call and try to make me feel guilty about being gone.....I am gone, enjoying the friendship of my sisters (I have 2 that live in the same town) and loving the peace and quiet.

My younger sister pointed out to me yesterday that before my husband became ill, I used to come visit all the time. She said, "we used to have so much fun. I miss that." And I couldn't help but think that I just need to come here more often. They live about a 3 hour drive from me and it's not always possible to get here due to weather conditions. But I think I'm going to have to make a concerted effort to come a little more often.

And this is just so much more fun that being stuck at home with a guy who has a knee and foot infection and can't walk and I have to wait on him hand and foot. Hmmmm.....I guess he's managing life somehow, isn't he?




Anonymous said...

if you are interested, I commented on my own blog. Its long, but i guess, I'm "in a mood"..... tom's wife

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad to know that I'm not alone, my husband of 18 years is a type 1 diabetic and it's taking it's toll on our family. The past two years have been extremely difficult and I'm not sure how much I can handle. Most days he can't get out of bed, check his blood sugar or take his meds. He has chronic kidney disease, diabetic gastroparesis and low testosterone. There are still times when I see the man I married and remember why I'm still here, but it sure isn't easy. It's nice to know that there are others out there that know exactly what you're going through.

Ladriana said...

I feel I know you all. If I take pieces of each of your experiences I can say it's my experience. My husband was diagnosed with diabetes 20 years ago, he took his pills but did not keep any diet. Overweight, stubborn, he used to eat one bread per day. Starting from 2007 his health deteriorated fast. Few eyes laser treatment, eye surgeries, glaucoma due to steroid injections, and late 2008 kidney failure. He is on dialysis since April, not doing well (4 times a week 3 1/2h with one time 3h only). Tired, not feeling good, I never know how he comes home. He is malicious with me and with the kids (I have 2 boys) some times. He is a manipulator too, he knows to say rarely how grateful he is, but most of the time he refuses me anything I want. Raises his voice, and he can be mean. I had my share of low sugar, paramedics, having to drive almost every day to the hospital. He is 60 and we both do not work (somewhat retired). Now on dialysis is has to keep a certain diet, eat small meals 3-4 times a day, restricted drinking, etc. Of all those he does what he pleases. He was a big eater, now he has no appetite, so he eats sometimes only twice a day. He cooks, so he eats what he want, when he wants. It does not matter what I say, he has to come to his own conclusions. I have my moments when I feel he is bringing me down with him. I am glad, I am not the only one feeling that way. I am glad I found your site and that I no longer feel alone.


lisa said...

Its somewhat reassuring to know how many women feel the same as I do. What has been very difficult for me to deal with is guilt. I am always feeling guilty about something; resentful toward the disease, my husband, what I am missing. I hate to sound like that, and would never say it verbally, so this is a good way to at least express it. A good part of this disease can be prevented, or at least kept in control. When I know that my husband is not doing what he is supposed to do, I feel he is being very selfish. Then I feel bad that I am not the one that is sick, that I should try to understand how difficult it is. I am still young and want more. Thats when the guilt hits. Lisa

Anonymous said...

Hi to all ...

Haven't written in some time, even though I follow your blog ...

Life's been a little tough around here. My husband has severe charcot and had to have surgery on his right foot (we are now 7 weeks into recovery and it has been tough to say the least). One week after his foot surgery, he got a call that they finally had a kidney for him (he has been on the transplant list for 5 years) Of course, he had to decline the transplant due to the fact that his recovery from his foot surgery will take approximately 6 months (obviously a great disappointment). However, now he is totally reliant on me and his kids, his weight is coming down, his sugars are under control, his phosphorus is great, even too low! So just so all of you can see, there is a light at the end of the tunnel ... just sometimes our "blockheads" take a long time to see what they need to do!!!!!!!!
Go figure !!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, as far as MIL ... I also have that issue ( I know it's all my fault ... blah, blah, blah ...)
My MIL in really quit ill at this time and I feel really bad about that, but still, I did not give her son his eating disorder ... she did!

I know I am just running off with all my thoughts ...

Just remember, it is his disease, we are only here for the ride (thank the Lord above for that gift) ...

Neil Curtis said...

It is unfortunate that diabetes causes so many family issues. Growing up, life was a not fun until my mother got her diabetes under control. I vowed, as I stated before, I am not about to allow diabetes to affect me, my marriage or my children. I love my family dearly, and I know those three young children ages 11, the twins, and my oldest daughter age 16 really need me to help them succeed in life. I know my wife would be challenged to raise those children on her income alone. I try to work out 10 hours per week to stay extremely fit because I know my physical health is just as important as my mental health. I personally believe my wife has a right to have a husband that is physically fit. I don't have a clue why most men haven't figured it out that their wives want a fit husband, just like husbands want physically fit wives. I was recently studying an article called The theory of brain wave vibrations. This theory essentially concludes that the brain energy of those we are near affects our own outlook. So I conclude that if a man or a woman is married to someone who acts irresponsible, that will negatively affect our own emotions. Instead of going to the level of the other party, we ought maintain a positive outlook and ultimately, the theory indicates, the other party will make positive changes. I have seen this happen, but it does take a great deal of patience. And of course, we have no guarantees the other party will ever respond.