Saturday, October 31, 2009

Lisa wrote: You are right that you cannot help someone that will not help himself. I hate that I have allowed myself to become an enabler. My husband has shifted much of the responsibility for his health to me. I am the one refilling and reminding him about his meds. I am not sure at this point if he is exactly sure what and when he takes them. I get tired of nagging about diet and exercise, but if I don't he does what he wants. I understand that it is very difficult to live with a chronic illness, but it is not my fault. I worry that if something happened to me if he would even take his meds. I am angry at myself for letting this happen, but sometimes I guess its easier than fighting it. Lisa


Well, I think a few years back I was right wher eyou were. Fighting all the time. reminding him of what he needed to do. Sick with worry. Angry at him and at me. Then I really decided this was his disease and I shifted all of the responsiblity back to him. I alo realized at that time that he could die at any moment because I knew he was not going to take care of himself.

He hasn't. Today he had such bad infections in his knee and foot that he couldn't walk. He sat on the sofa the entire day. I left and ran some errands and did some shopping. Took myself out to lunch. Then came home and fixed dinner. You just have to learn that life goes on. It's a bit like living with an invalid. You have to create a life of your own, separate from them. No, it's not what I want in a marriage and I constantly ask myself why I am here. But Tom's wife will tell you that we stay for the good moments. Speaking of which, Tom's wife....are you still here?

DW

2 comments:

lisa said...

Great to hear from someone who has been there. What I find interesting is how many people feel it is my responsiblity to make sure he does everything right. Especialy other women. If he is not eating correctly, it must be something I am doing wrong. I do have my own intersts, and do work, however when something happen with his health in the end it is my problem. It is a tough and frustrating disease, with many side effects. Many are very difficult for men to handle and women to live with. Great to be able to vent. Lisa

tomswife said...

Hi! Yes I'm here. Its just that I have been traveling for work and the renovations on my kitchen have started. it has been a VERY hectic three weeks.

Lisa, my heart goes out to you. when you love your guy you want to do everything you can to help. but at the end of the day (week, year) you simply will wear out. If he were your child wouldn't you want to teach him to be independent and take care of himself and not be so reliant on others? It is physically impossible for you to be with him (and awake) 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
It's REALLY difficult, but at some point, you will find out what DW and I and so many others have learned. these guys don't want to die. They do take care of themselves (even if they don't do a great job all the time). Take little steps. Start setting out his medications (by dose) and leave it for him to take, if he doesn't take it, let him face the consequences. Leave the house, talk on the phone, leave the room, do whatever you need to do so you don't have to witness the difficult stuff. We know how hard this is but try just one small thing, see how it goes and let us know......

Toms wife