Saturday, October 03, 2009

Lisa wrote:

I would love to hear if you feel as lonely and isolated as I do at times. I always feel I am trying deal with his insecurity. In many ways he does not feel like the man he was.. becoming more and more dependant on me. We do not have children, so it is pretty much all on me. He is a little older than I am. I am still a vital woman. In some ways I feel cheated. I do not want to feel sorry for myself, just can't complain to him. Feels good to at least express this without being judged. Lisa

Trust me, I know exactly how you feel. So, shall we start the discussion on sex? There are numerous reasons for men to become impotent as they age. Some are just natural. But medications for high blood pressure and gout can often speed up that process. My husband is on them as well as meds for an enlarged prostate. I don't think he's had an erection in 3 years. At first I thought I would die. I tried everything in the book. Then I realized that it was upsetting him that he couldn't please me. Well, we have certainly learned that there are a number of ways to please each other and are back on track in that department.....but it does take work on both sides. He doesn't get the "urge" very often any more. I miss that. But at the same time I don't want to make him any more depressed than what he is.

I tell myself If I were a widow.....I wouldn't even have his company, so I am happy with that these days.

As far as being lonely and isolated....I went to a counselor and she politely told me to "get a life". So I did! She said to volunteer, go back to school, get a job, do anything. I took up art and offer classes and workshops, teach at different places around the country so I get to travel just about as much as I want, and have developed a pretty good "career" doing something that I love. I ususally have other women in the house 2 - 4 days a week. I'm hosting a huge retreat real soon and haven't had a second to be lonely in awhile! In fact, guest artists start arriving tomorrow and will be here for the next 3 weeks - different aritsts, not the same ones...but it will be great fun and get my mind off everything else.

I might not be around here too much as there's going to be all kinds of events going on....including 18 of us going off to see the musical - Menopause! Should be a hoot!

I always recommend therapy. I'm good to chat with, but I think professionals can really offer some great ideas when I'm in a bind.


lisa said...

I have always worked and had my own interests. I also take art classes and have been pursuing my interests. The problem has become his eyesight has effected his independance as well as mine. I am driving him around more because he is not secure driving and neither am I. We are actually moving to the city, which will help because of public transportation. Believe me, I know it could be worse. We are both trying to get used to the situation. It has pushed me to be much more independant, because I really can't depend on him. Like you have mentioned, it helps to vent. Great to chat with you. Lisa said...

I was moved my reading your blog. I have worked for 20 years in Mental Health and the last 5 exclisively with disabled and elderly. You are more on target than you may know by finding outlets to express yourself and reaching out for support. I am sure when you have you have been "cheated" with that comes guilt for even feeling that way...It sounds like your situation is very difficult and that you are now primarly a care-giver rather than a wife..Although it is difficult, try not to be hard on yourself. You have enough difficulty without beating yourself up for thoughts and feelings that are natrual and common.
I wish well in your struggle...Keep reaching out...

Jim Purdy said...

The Charcot photograph on the right side of your blog shows severe damage. I'm dealing with similar trauma, and I need to stay off my feet as much as possible until it stabilizes. I hope your husband is being treated for the Charcot arthropathy. Best wishes.