More comments and thoughts

Well, if nothing else, I will keep you busy reading my blog!  LOL!!!  I know we don't go back and read posts, so I like to bring them forward and make my responses ot them in a blog.  Sort of keeps the continuity of the whole process of the journey in place.

Lilly wrote:

 Here's hoping and praying that your nightmares will eventually stop! This can't make for very good nights for you. I went through many emergency room visits with my hubby, almost a year of dialysis and all the side effects, and then the kidney transplant/donor surgeries. I feel very fortunate that I did not dream about these things when I went to bed . . . don't know what I would have done! Really hope it gets better for you. As for yours and everyone else's blogs: I think it is more for us, as we "get it" in a way most diabetics are incapable of. As you said, at first you got nasty messages from pissed off diabetics! The medical profession is focused on the diabetic patient (although they don't know how to treat them half the time), but how often do they ask us how WE are doing? And how can we possibly find a therapist who can actually understand and really help? I can't believe that everyone told you it was your disease. WOW. YES, we really do need to support each other, in every way possible . . .

I think those who have needle phobias, blood phobias and white-coats syndrome know that sometimes the nightmares never go away. I was going to do a separate blog on the dialysis machines.  When he was in ICU, they brought the machine into his room.  The 3rd day, the machine broke.  I don't mean that it quit....it broke.  3 hours into the process.  The 4th day, they brought in another machine and it, too broke.  How on earth can you have dialysis machines in an ICU unit that break????  Trust me, that alone is more than enough to cause nightmares!

At that point, I didn't even know that it's ok to stop a dialysis treatment in the middle of it.  I hadn't done any research.  I was completely unprepared for dialysis as we were not expecting it.  Trust me, I think at this point I'm completely preapared....I think I could give a seminar on it.  I could sure do a better job than anyone in the hospital did.  But because of my phobias that I have had since I was 10 years old....I won't do it again.  And he knows it.

And then she wrote:

Sorry, I had to laugh, as my hubby will tell anyone who wants to listen that he does not have high blood pressure or cholesterol, and he has no heart or kidney problems. He neglects to mention that he takes meds every day for blood pressure and cholesterol, and tons of anti-rejection medicine so that he won't reject his kidney. He also reasons that since he had a triple bypass after his almost fatal congestive heart failure, and also had a kidney transplant, that everything is "fixed," and he has no problems there either! It would be funny, except that he tells his doctors this, and if it is a new doctor . . . well, you get the picture. I (just like you) will tell him to his face, in public, that YES, he does still have those problems, and that is why he takes medication for it! It must be nice to live in denial. Wish I could make it work for me!

 The more I read about your experiences, the more I think our husbands are really quite similar.  I wonder if denial is more common than I think it is.  I wonder if it's their survival mechanism.  If they admitted all of the conditions that they have, could they live with it/themselves?  Maybe denial is a way to survive.  

Lynn wrote:

I had a similar experience on the adoption.com message board when trying to find support as an adoption mom (adopted one, gave birth to three)who was struggling with her adopted one reuniting with birth relatives and abandoning us for them. The pain of coping was unbearable and I sought out others...well, I found some but the birth moms and adopted people who wrote on the thread were so nasty at times i stopped going there...now we just email each other...so i get it...and yes, I think this blogging is for US...because we get it...we get each other...we have similar experiences in that we can't always have on the smilie face...sometimes we have to vent and rant and commiserate because we don't have it easy...it is challenging to live with someone who has diabetes. HUGS and LOVE...I LOVE YOUR BLOG!

And that, Lynn, is exactly why I do not post any of the negative comments I get from diabetics.  I know they do not understand what we go through.  I know they are in denial.  I know they are having a sugar low and being nasty just like hubby does.  So I just delete and sometimes I even ban them from making comments!

Tonight, hubby's parents called. I'll have to go back and see if I wrote about the problems I had with them the night I thought hubby was going to die.  Sigh.  So tonight, hubby was telling them how much I fought for him, how he would not be alive if it wasn't for me. (trust me, they hate me) and they didn't make a comment.  Not even a "thank you for doing this for our son."  Instead, his mom asked him what happened when he went high and low. He said that when he was high, he was irritated, and when he went low, he got sleepy.  I chimmed in and said, when he's low, he's really argumentative.  But I wonder.....does he remember anything when he goes low?

He told his mom he had been out of the hospital a week.  When he hung up, I reminded him it was 2 weeks ago yesterday.  More of the short term memory loss?  I'll just keep making my notes here.

Thanks for your comments.  I know we are getting a growing circle of spouses who truly understand, who are going through the same things, who struggle with the decision to stay or leave, who battle the non-stop rollercoaster ride on a daily basis.  It's just good to know we are not alone.
DW

diabetes statistics

Time to update my diabetes statistics.....

18,000,000 people diagnosed with diabetes
7,000,000 people are undiagnosed
79,000,000 people have prediabetes (?????)
1,900,000 new cases of diabetes diagnosed in adults in 2010
1 in every 400 kids have type 1 diabetes
27% of all people over age 65 have diabetes

in 2007, diabetes contributed to 231,404 deaths.

Complications of diabetes include:
heart disease 68% and stroke 16%
hight blood pressure - 67% of those with diabetes
blindness - 28% of people over 40 with diabetes had diabetic retinopathy, with 5% having severe vision loss
kidney disease - in 2008, 44,378 people with diabetes entered ESRD, with 202,290 living on dialysis
neuropathy - 70% of people with diabetes
amputation - in 2006, 65,700 lower-limb amputations in people with diabetes

People with diabetes ages 60 or older are 2-3 times more likely to report an inability to walk one-quarter of a mile, climb stairs, or do housework, compared with people without diabetes in the same age group.

People with diabetes are twice as likely to have depression.

Every percentage point drom in A1C blood test results (eg from 8.0 to 7.0) can reduce the risk of microvascular complications by 40%.

For every 10 mmHg reduction in systolic blod pressure, the risk for any complication related to diabetes is reduced by 12%

33% of disabled adults live in a household with an annual income of less than $15,000 in 1997.

Improved control of LDL (bad chlesterol) can reduce cardiovascular complications by 20 - 50%

80% of couples with one spouse with diabetes end up in divorce (and it may be higher than that).

Diabetes is the SEVENTH leading cause of death in the United States

Yet if you talk to a diabetic....they will say....."diabetes is not a problem for me, I have it under control."

Hmmmmm........

Now, I realize that you can make statistics say anything you want. Thus I merely pulled numbers off different websites and will allow you to draw your own conclusions.  But my thoughts are that the death rate is probably a whole lot higher than reported. If my hubby has a heart attack, that will be what they put on his death certificate.  They won't put down diabetes as the cause of death.....but that is what has caused his heart disease for sure.

They don't write about the diabetics who are divorced, who live alone, who require homecare visits to attend to their needs.

They don't write about the high rate of depression. How many diabetics commit suicide each year?  So there are a lot of studies that don't get done and statitics probably look better than they would.

If 68% of all diabetics have heart disease, is it then only the 32% that do not have it who are writing their angry comments to me?  LOL!!!

If 70% of all diabetics have neuropathy.....it has to be the 30% that don't have it that are in their 20s, maybe 30s, and think they have no problems with their diabetes?

Or is it denial?  My husband has high blood pressure. He is in that 67%.  He takes medicine to control it.  It is in good control, it is never high, in fact, it tends to run a little low.  So if you ask him if he has high blood pressure, he will say "no".  He is in complete denial about the medicine he takes to control it. He only looks at the bp numbers they read at the doctor's office.  As of late, every time he has told someone that he does not have hbp, I correct him.  In public.  In front of him.  I will no longer tolerate his denial.  He can do it in private....but not in front of me.

But I wonder if other diabetics have the same "denial".  Their A1C is good....so they don't have a glucose problem? Their vision is corrected with laser surgery, glasses, contacts....so they don't have a "vision" problem.  From the diabetics I know (excluding hubby) most of them will tell me things just like this.  I think the biggest one is that they don't have any problems with depression.  They you find out they are taking some type of medication to control that issue.

Statistics are great because they make us be honest.  If 67% of all diabetics have high blood pressure....then most likely your diabetic spouse has it as well!  What these statistice do for me is tell me that I am not alone.  If 18 million people are diagnosed with diabetes and 79 million more have pre-diabetes, and if we assume that 59% of the population is married.....then there are at least 57 million spouses or significant others out there who live with a person who has diabetes.  I am not alone!

So, if 57 million spouses live with this disease and let's round down and say only 50% of their spouses have complications, that's 27.5 million spouses like me.

There are so many other questions.  What is the % of people on dialysis who are divorced?  Is it lower because at that point you stay with them to get the life insurance?

Anyone can write anything. Anyone can do a study and come up with a percentage statistic based on a representative poll of a given population.  What really matters is what we experience in our day-to-day life living with someone who has diabetes.  Knowing that even if they do keep it in control, they will eventually become one of these statistices.  The stats are not going down....they are trending upwards over time.  Which would mean to me that even if a diabetic is in good control, evenually, they are going to have multiple complications.

That's the MBA in me! (Have I confessed that I have an MBA degree?)   I love playing with numbers, reports, graphs.  My problem is that most of the "professionals" who write this stuff have zero experience living with the disease themselves.

But the "wife of a diabetic" in me is very realistic and I know that while he is in denial....I know what his future is.  And because of that, I will continue to work hard to make the time we have together as good as we can make it.  Knowing every moment that I can still chose to leave - and that's how I stay sane through all that happens to him.

DW

Maybe it's for us.....not them

I really started writing this blog because I thought it might help diabetics realize how their disease impacts their spouses and families.  And as a place to vent my own frustrations.  But after all this time, I'm thinking this is more about simply helping spouses survive.

I read somewhere that over 80% of the spouses of diabetics leave them over time.  I wonder if that's a valid statistic.  It seems high to me at times.  But there are days when it wouldn't surprise me if it were 100%!

And maybe that's why not many people are writing about it.  They leave.  They don't have to deal with it.  So they don't write about it.

Seems to me the 20% who stay need some kind of support.  And maybe this is it.

Over the years, I've been to 4 different therapists.  Not because I wanted to change.....but because they left the HMO I belong to and I got "assigned" to a new therapist.  There's an ongoing theme to each one of them.  Well, ok, several themes.  None of them have had any personal experience with diabetes. All of them said that you simply have to grieve the loss of a healthy life, healthy spouse....so thus, this is just like any other loss, so they are perfectly capable of helping me through the process.  And all of them said that it IS my disease.

LOLOL!  Just take a moment and imagine where those conversations went from that point in the discussion!

I will go to my grave contending that this is NOT my disease.  And for any therapist to be so narrow minded as to think it is.....let alone 4 of them agree that it is....tells me there is something horribly wrong with the educational system today!

Oh....the other common factor....all 4 of them were under 30years old. Which made me realize that HMOs hire the young and the cheap.  Anyone with a lick of experience has probably left and set up their own practice.

A couple of years ago, I gave up on therapy.  Completely.  I know the process of grief.  I understand what each of the steps are and how to go through them.  I also know that with age comes experience and wisdom and I can do better on my own than anyone who is under 30 with no experience trying to help me through a moment.

But how pathetic for spouses who really need help.  Who haven't learned how to live with the day-to-day rollercoaster ride of diabetes.  Who still think that when he yells obscenities at you...he really means them.  How sad that women can't get support and leave a realationship.  How brave of those who do.  Yep, I know....I just argued it both ways, huh?

I think that each one of us has to decide what to do. When to stay. When to go.  How long to stay.  Do we stick it out to the very end?  Obviously, after what I've just been through, I'm asking myself that very question all over again.  How many times do we ask it before we go?  Do I want to be here for the next round?  I did not marry into this.  It happened after we were married.  I had no clue. I would not have married him.  But then, he had no clue either.  Do I love him enough to do a single one more dialysis?  At the moment, with the recurring, continuing nightmares....I'm not so sure.

Do I simply allow myself to ask these questions over and over and over.....and that allows me to stay?

I know many diabetics who read my blog think I am absolutely horrible.  But I think they don't understand the sheer, utter needle/blood phobia that I have. If you have that phobia....and you go through what I just went through, it simply leads to all night long nightmares.  You would think therapy would cure that.  But hardly!  It comes from being raised by a nurse practitioner who did not want any of her kids to go into the medical professions.  She truly did a number on all of us.  I think perhaps my brother is the worst.  So it's not something that I think I will ever be able to overcome. I just have learned to live with it. And I did have to leave his room for many of his procedures.  Hubby completely understands.  And I think he truly understands when I say to him that I cannot go through this again.  He is quite sympathetic to the ongoing nightmares I'm having right now.  I'm hoping that the more I write the experiences, the less they will happen.

Had you told me 10 years ago that last night, I would have woke up at 2 am with the image of a dialysis machine tube breaking and blood from my husband spewing across the room.....I would have told you you were beyond insane!  LOL!!!  But that was my nightmare last night.  Which I think is quite justified considering that TWO of the dialysis machines they brought into ICU BROKE in the middle of the treatments!!!

The amazing thing is that I was able to find the strength to be by his side when I needed to be there.  Yes, I was right there each time the machine broke.  I held his hand.  I said soothing things to him.  I told him everything was going to be ok.  I came home at night and cried my heart out.  But God got me through those moments.  And now, while I know that God will get me through my own recovery.....I wonder if any therapist could begin to relate, could offer counseling, could give me any advise.

My thoughts are that you take it slow. Allow yourself to feel everything.  The pain, the fear, the grief, the loneliness....suffer as long as it takes.  But at the same time, set a deadline.  I'm giving myself 4 weeks.  I figure that he was out for 4 weeks, I can take equal time to process what I went through.  But then I'm reminded that for every 4 hour outburst, it takes us 4 days to recover.....so maybe I should extend that deadline to 4 months!  :o)

I'm writing today because I think it's important to point out that if you are seeking counseling, you probably aren't going to find a therapist who has been through this.  And yes, they can help you with the grieving process.  But somehow, I think what I just went through is a bit beyond grief.

So to each of you, may you have a blessed day.  May you find an ounce of sunshine in just one thing this day.  May you have joy for just 1 moment.  Sometimes, that's all we need to get us through to tomorrow.

DW

Answering comments

Newtothis worte:

Wow, I found your blog last night after my P-DH went off on me. Oh yes, I started it. I dared to stop eatting dinner after he scolded the nine year old for mentioning a place we were thinking of taking him and a friend to this weekend for his birthday to his friend before we definately decided to do it. I say, Wow, because after reading your lastest entry -first- I've read every entry starting from 06. I am amazed by how well you have handled your situation. It was your "Gaslight" posting that hit me the hardest. I left a comment on it last night. As I'm sure you can imagine my P-DH is being very nice today. I am just numb. I am disabled. 50 radiation treatments to my neck almost ten years ago left me unable to function fully on a daily basis. For the most part my husband is a wonderful man. We met, fell madly in love and married. I married a man with a Phd who swam five times a week, ate well, didn't snore and was kind. Then I found out a year earlier he was told he was on the verge of being diabetic. He did all he should to avoid it. Once we married that stopped. The first time he had a "swing" I was in our bed (after we had sex) and my three year old had come in to fall asleep in my arms. My husband turned into a mad-man. Yelling, pacing and just plain acting crazy. I truely thought he would kill us before dawn broke. I pled with him to stop and come to bed. Hours later he did and the next morning he chalked it up to being insecure with our quickly marrying and how much he loved me. He had never loved anyone the way he loved me and just didn't know how to handle it. Fast forward three years and the swings still happen and they are due to a blood sugar imbalance. He doesn't belive there is anything to bs and mood swings. Our wonderful doctor treats his pre-diabetic condition the same as a full blown case. The Dr. doesn't believe there is a differnce between the two. According to him the two cause the same exact damage in the end. Address and treat it now is his mantra. Although I don't know if he has address the mood swings to my P-DH he has made comments to him about how my life must be better since he is on medication. The doctor (my GP as well) has told me I can not make him do what he needs to do. That is not my job and trying to make it my job will not work. Not work for my husband, myself nor our marriage. Good advise but it sure doesn't come in very handy when I'm getting berated by a mad-man. You were so right when you wrote 3-4 hours later your DH is back to normal but it takes you 3-4 days. Your blog really is helpful to me. Thank you for keeping at it for the 5 plus years. I admire your humor. Even when you are mad your are kind. You haven't lost yourself. I guess losing myself is my biggest fear. I foolishly thought love brought growth. But, loving a P-DH takes all the warm fuzzies out of love. Love makes forgiveness possible. However, this sitution quite frankly...sucks.

Yes, I have seen the movie "Gaslight". I have even brought this movie up to my husband. To me it perfectly describes what life is like with a person who says things then later denies ever having said the horrible things to the wife he claims to love so much. Your blog is scary. My husband is in the pre-diabetic stage. However, our doctor says pre does as much damage as full blown. He takes the oral medication twice a day. He eats a little better than before but not how he should and I just don't feel like being the food/diet police with him. When he has a mood swing I have asked him to please take a bs reading. He refuses. He doesn't test his blood ever. The mood swings have changed how I feel about him. He gets upset because he doesn't believe I love him and he loves me so much. Maybe he is right. I don't love him like I used to; not blindly and trustfully like before. I'm tired of worrying what will set him off next. And I came into the marriage with two small children. It's hard to explain to someone/anyone how much you can hate the person you dearly love. This is the first time I've expressed this to anyone. I found your blog tonight after yet another round with the beast that inhabits my husband. It takes less and less to upset me these days. I went back to the bedroom...snoring and different bedtime routines have us sleeping in different rooms. I got on my laptop searched "living with a diabetic spouse" and I found you. I started with your lasted postings and then desided to go to the beginning. When you mentioned Gaslight I smiled for the first time since dinner. Thanks. What scares me is this is a 2006 posting. I don't know if I can do this five more years. I am a cancer survior. When the man I married turns into the beast I just want to give up and die. How can someone I love make me think I would be better off dead? He makes me feel like a failure as a mother, a wife and a person in general. He makes me feel like I am incapable of giving and receiving love. At times I think he is right. His mood swings are destroying my heart. Everytime another piece seems to fall away and die. Is it better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? At this moment in time I think the hope of love is better than having love kill hope.

Dear “newtothis”
I am glad you found my blog. I hope you will go over to the right hand side and click on the links to other wives blogs. It really is helpful to read about all the varied experiences we have….to find the common threads, to now that we are not alone in all of this.

You brought up a really great point that I think we need more discussion on. The professionals all tell us (spouses) that we cannot fix them. We cannot change them. We cannot make them take care of themselves. But they certainly don’t bother to tell us how to handle/avoid/prevent the diabetic rages, do they?

I love being reminded that they snap out of it 3-4 hours later, but it takes us 3-4 days to get over the horrible ugly things they way to us. For me, personally, it’s the sheer denial that they words were said that hurts the most.

I went through the “Gaslight” phase for 3 – 4 years. I think I survived it because I didn’t know what it was. But once I realized it was just a continuous scene from that movie…..and I started to know that it wasn’t me, I was much better. I knew that he didn’t know what he was saying when he was raging. I knew that he didn’t mean any of it. And yes, the words do hurt….but I know I am a good person. I know I am a terrific wife. I know that I’m not a failure. And I know that no matter what he says, he won’t remember it a few hours later. So now….that I’ve made it past that phase, I can survive his rages and walk away from him, go meet my friends, go run errands, just get out of the house.

And with that comes the realization that yes, he may go into a diabetic coma when I am gone…..but that is not my fault and no one is going to blame me for not being there for him.

Tough choices.

We all have to make them sooner or later.

Either I leave when he goes into a rage…..or I leave the marriage.

I am a good person and I do not deserve to be yelled at or treated with disrespect, so I do have the right to walk out when he is in a rage.

And so do you.

I’m glad my blog helps. There are times when I have been crying my heart out when I wrote something. Other moments I have been so mad I couldn’t see straight. Some posts are filled with love. I hope most are full of common sense. But at the very least, I hope it is an honest recording of what life with a diabetic is like.

FIVE years? And I was worried in my last post about where the week has gone! LOLOL!!!!

Lilly wrote:

was really worried for you that once he started feeling better, he would start resisting all your efforts. I know my hubby would. So sorry! If he continues on the path he seems so determined to take, his kidneys will completely fail . . . but then again, he must know that, and of course you do. You did a very loving thing trying to rehabilitate him at home. But if I were in your shoes, I also would be done! You do not need to be verbally abused/lied to by the man you are trying to help. At this point, it is time to back away, and let him deal with the natural consequences of his own actions. After all, (sadly) you can't save someone if they don't want to be saved. My heart goes out to you . . .

We had a good talk the day after I wrote that blog.  I think he understands.  I will never go through this again. He has to make a choice.  Eat right, take care of himself, test often.....or die.  And I will not go back to the hospital or go to dialysis with him.  I explained to him it is not a matter of love.  It is a matter of survival.  I know my limits.  We are not in our 20s or 30s or 40s.  I have lived long enough that I have the right to say "no" when something is going to have an impact on my health.

I really think he heard it....maybe short term.  Time will tell.

Lynn wrote:

You got me crying...wow...the power of the Internet...people connecting with people they only know via the Internet...I read this aloud to my hubby and he was touched too...we are both cheering you both on...hey, you never know. Hope springs eternal. WE LOVE YOU!

Dear Lynn…..For the first 3 years of my blog….I did this alone. All I got were angry, bitter diabetics who wrote me some of the most horrific things one could ever read. It is so nice to finally have a network started that consists of spouses who truly understand what a diabetic does when they are high/low/out of kilter. While the change in readership is wonderful, I am still so sad that those with diabetes deny that this is who they are, or are afraid to admit this is who they become when they are high or low. They simply still continue to think that we are a group of bitter, angry spouses and that our “job” is to be here on earth to do things for them, not ourselves! (I’m sure this paragraph will grant me comments from some of them! LOL!) It’s just sweet to know that we are not alone.

I wish more diabetics would read this and understant how they really are when they go high and low.

***************

Finally, to my sister – Tom’s wife. We started this. You were the first person who actually supported me rather than putting me down. You even named your blog after me. We have been in this together the longest. We do truly carry each other’s burdens. You, my dear, have every right to complain about his driving. I read your post.    Don’t even give what I have been through a second thought! Because if he continues to drive like that with you as a passenger….you may not live long enough to go through much else!

I truly hope that no one will look at the past 5 weeks of my life and belittle what they are going through. Diabetics, when high or low, are impossible to live with. You can’t reason with them. They won’t accept logic. They are just mad, mad, mad. In the hospital, I had a brigade of nurses to come down on hubby when he attempted that path. But now that we are home, I know it’s constant testing, insulin, food….keeping him from going high or low….a constant, never-ending, time-consuming schedule that will prevent this.

At least I have 3 more months where he cannot drive! :o)

DW

March 4th already???

I think when your spouse is sick, life just passes you by. I can't believe it's the 4th already. Where did my week go? I think the best thing I ever did was to move upstairs and quit sleeping next to him on the sofa. He doesn't like being alone! Next day, he made it upstairs to shower and was ready to move the bed up there....but I told him the guys couldn't come til tomorrow! I figured I at least deserved a few nights of solitude. But I have to say, he has made remarkable progress this week. Going upstairs every day to shower. It's wonderful!

OT actually quit coming in. We made a few modifications like gripper bars in the garage so he can go down the steps and get in the car. Got the wheelchair ramps packed up. Will call Monday for them to come take the wheelchair. We made it to the surgeon's office and while it was absolutely exhausting for both of us, he got there and back in one piece and didn't fall down!

The clinic sent someone out to do labs this week and his creatinine is down to 2.0 36% kidney function! WOW!!! That was such great news!

He has stuck to his diabetic renal diet all week long. I know it is hard for him, but I am adament that I will not go out to eat with him. We can go out 1 time a month and he can have salad or a veggie burger. We have an elderly couple that have promised to take him to an Italian place he loves and I told him plain pasta. So far, he is agreeing. When we went to the surgeon's office, I packed a lunch. We did just fine. But what a huge lifestyle change. I hope he sticks with it.

PT is still coming out to the house. But just once a week now. No clinic PT, the surgeon just wants him to walk, walk, walk.

He is back working from his home office about 1 - 2 hours per day....just the last 3 days. It does wear him out and he then sleeps for 3-4 hours while I go run errands.

So as to my life.....non existant! Yesterday, I cleaned our bedroom, did 4 loads of laundry, dishes, and finished up the taxes. Today I got groceries and put them away, cleaned the kitchen and my studio, got the taxes entered on his computer so he can file them electronically.....and that was all I could muster up the energy to do today. I haven't had a moment to be creative or do much in the way of art for over 5 weeks now. All my art pals are going to disown me if I don't do something quick! LOL!

But I'm happy to say that I think we are truly on the home stretch. While I realize that his blood sugars are still too high - running around 180 - and that if he falls off his diabetic renal diet, that his kidneys will shut down - I am happy to be where we are for the moment. I'll be even happier tomorrow when the bed get's out of the family room and back upstairs!

We have had several long talks. And here's what's bothering me now. He doesn't seem to remember them very long. I need to start keeping notes on his short term memory. I don't know if perhaps he had a mini stroke somewhere in the midst of all this, or something happened, but he just doesn't seem to remember stuff from one moment to the next. I'm not overly concerned, but do want to sort of chart that.

He's getting better at wearing his brace. Horrible at using the sock puller-on thingy. Must think I have the back of a 5 year old. ha ha!

All-in-all.....we are doing great. Hard to believe that 4 short weeks ago I honestly didn't think he would be alive today. Interesting comment by the surgeon.....he said the same thing.....that my hubby literally scared him to death. He said, "as a professional, I have to say certain things when the moment is happening, but I want you to know now that you scared me to death." He has termed him the "xxxx case" (using our surname) and said that they have been referring to us in hospital meetings and do not want this to ever happen again. Already, they have changed policy and an endocrinologist is brought on immediately when a diabetic admits for surgery. I was so happy to hear they made that change. I think it will help many diabetics.

So you all have a job to do. When I get so blame mad at him....just remind me how happy I am to have him alive! LOLOL!!!!

I have repeated to him over and over and over that I will not go through this again. That I will not be at his side at the hospital and that I will not drive him to and from dialysis treatments. I think he gets it. I hope he does.

DW