Friday, March 04, 2011

Answering comments

Newtothis worte:

Wow, I found your blog last night after my P-DH went off on me. Oh yes, I started it. I dared to stop eatting dinner after he scolded the nine year old for mentioning a place we were thinking of taking him and a friend to this weekend for his birthday to his friend before we definately decided to do it. I say, Wow, because after reading your lastest entry -first- I've read every entry starting from 06. I am amazed by how well you have handled your situation. It was your "Gaslight" posting that hit me the hardest. I left a comment on it last night. As I'm sure you can imagine my P-DH is being very nice today. I am just numb. I am disabled. 50 radiation treatments to my neck almost ten years ago left me unable to function fully on a daily basis. For the most part my husband is a wonderful man. We met, fell madly in love and married. I married a man with a Phd who swam five times a week, ate well, didn't snore and was kind. Then I found out a year earlier he was told he was on the verge of being diabetic. He did all he should to avoid it. Once we married that stopped. The first time he had a "swing" I was in our bed (after we had sex) and my three year old had come in to fall asleep in my arms. My husband turned into a mad-man. Yelling, pacing and just plain acting crazy. I truely thought he would kill us before dawn broke. I pled with him to stop and come to bed. Hours later he did and the next morning he chalked it up to being insecure with our quickly marrying and how much he loved me. He had never loved anyone the way he loved me and just didn't know how to handle it. Fast forward three years and the swings still happen and they are due to a blood sugar imbalance. He doesn't belive there is anything to bs and mood swings. Our wonderful doctor treats his pre-diabetic condition the same as a full blown case. The Dr. doesn't believe there is a differnce between the two. According to him the two cause the same exact damage in the end. Address and treat it now is his mantra. Although I don't know if he has address the mood swings to my P-DH he has made comments to him about how my life must be better since he is on medication. The doctor (my GP as well) has told me I can not make him do what he needs to do. That is not my job and trying to make it my job will not work. Not work for my husband, myself nor our marriage. Good advise but it sure doesn't come in very handy when I'm getting berated by a mad-man. You were so right when you wrote 3-4 hours later your DH is back to normal but it takes you 3-4 days. Your blog really is helpful to me. Thank you for keeping at it for the 5 plus years. I admire your humor. Even when you are mad your are kind. You haven't lost yourself. I guess losing myself is my biggest fear. I foolishly thought love brought growth. But, loving a P-DH takes all the warm fuzzies out of love. Love makes forgiveness possible. However, this sitution quite

Yes, I have seen the movie "Gaslight". I have even brought this movie up to my husband. To me it perfectly describes what life is like with a person who says things then later denies ever having said the horrible things to the wife he claims to love so much. Your blog is scary. My husband is in the pre-diabetic stage. However, our doctor says pre does as much damage as full blown. He takes the oral medication twice a day. He eats a little better than before but not how he should and I just don't feel like being the food/diet police with him. When he has a mood swing I have asked him to please take a bs reading. He refuses. He doesn't test his blood ever. The mood swings have changed how I feel about him. He gets upset because he doesn't believe I love him and he loves me so much. Maybe he is right. I don't love him like I used to; not blindly and trustfully like before. I'm tired of worrying what will set him off next. And I came into the marriage with two small children. It's hard to explain to someone/anyone how much you can hate the person you dearly love. This is the first time I've expressed this to anyone. I found your blog tonight after yet another round with the beast that inhabits my husband. It takes less and less to upset me these days. I went back to the bedroom...snoring and different bedtime routines have us sleeping in different rooms. I got on my laptop searched "living with a diabetic spouse" and I found you. I started with your lasted postings and then desided to go to the beginning. When you mentioned Gaslight I smiled for the first time since dinner. Thanks. What scares me is this is a 2006 posting. I don't know if I can do this five more years. I am a cancer survior. When the man I married turns into the beast I just want to give up and die. How can someone I love make me think I would be better off dead? He makes me feel like a failure as a mother, a wife and a person in general. He makes me feel like I am incapable of giving and receiving love. At times I think he is right. His mood swings are destroying my heart. Everytime another piece seems to fall away and die. Is it better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? At this moment in time I think the hope of love is better than having love kill hope.

Dear “newtothis”
I am glad you found my blog. I hope you will go over to the right hand side and click on the links to other wives blogs. It really is helpful to read about all the varied experiences we have….to find the common threads, to now that we are not alone in all of this.

You brought up a really great point that I think we need more discussion on. The professionals all tell us (spouses) that we cannot fix them. We cannot change them. We cannot make them take care of themselves. But they certainly don’t bother to tell us how to handle/avoid/prevent the diabetic rages, do they?

I love being reminded that they snap out of it 3-4 hours later, but it takes us 3-4 days to get over the horrible ugly things they way to us. For me, personally, it’s the sheer denial that they words were said that hurts the most.

I went through the “Gaslight” phase for 3 – 4 years. I think I survived it because I didn’t know what it was. But once I realized it was just a continuous scene from that movie…..and I started to know that it wasn’t me, I was much better. I knew that he didn’t know what he was saying when he was raging. I knew that he didn’t mean any of it. And yes, the words do hurt….but I know I am a good person. I know I am a terrific wife. I know that I’m not a failure. And I know that no matter what he says, he won’t remember it a few hours later. So now….that I’ve made it past that phase, I can survive his rages and walk away from him, go meet my friends, go run errands, just get out of the house.

And with that comes the realization that yes, he may go into a diabetic coma when I am gone…..but that is not my fault and no one is going to blame me for not being there for him.

Tough choices.

We all have to make them sooner or later.

Either I leave when he goes into a rage…..or I leave the marriage.

I am a good person and I do not deserve to be yelled at or treated with disrespect, so I do have the right to walk out when he is in a rage.

And so do you.

I’m glad my blog helps. There are times when I have been crying my heart out when I wrote something. Other moments I have been so mad I couldn’t see straight. Some posts are filled with love. I hope most are full of common sense. But at the very least, I hope it is an honest recording of what life with a diabetic is like.

FIVE years? And I was worried in my last post about where the week has gone! LOLOL!!!!

Lilly wrote:

was really worried for you that once he started feeling better, he would start resisting all your efforts. I know my hubby would. So sorry! If he continues on the path he seems so determined to take, his kidneys will completely fail . . . but then again, he must know that, and of course you do. You did a very loving thing trying to rehabilitate him at home. But if I were in your shoes, I also would be done! You do not need to be verbally abused/lied to by the man you are trying to help. At this point, it is time to back away, and let him deal with the natural consequences of his own actions. After all, (sadly) you can't save someone if they don't want to be saved. My heart goes out to you . . .

We had a good talk the day after I wrote that blog.  I think he understands.  I will never go through this again. He has to make a choice.  Eat right, take care of himself, test often.....or die.  And I will not go back to the hospital or go to dialysis with him.  I explained to him it is not a matter of love.  It is a matter of survival.  I know my limits.  We are not in our 20s or 30s or 40s.  I have lived long enough that I have the right to say "no" when something is going to have an impact on my health.

I really think he heard it....maybe short term.  Time will tell.

Lynn wrote:

You got me power of the Internet...people connecting with people they only know via the Internet...I read this aloud to my hubby and he was touched too...we are both cheering you both on...hey, you never know. Hope springs eternal. WE LOVE YOU!

Dear Lynn…..For the first 3 years of my blog….I did this alone. All I got were angry, bitter diabetics who wrote me some of the most horrific things one could ever read. It is so nice to finally have a network started that consists of spouses who truly understand what a diabetic does when they are high/low/out of kilter. While the change in readership is wonderful, I am still so sad that those with diabetes deny that this is who they are, or are afraid to admit this is who they become when they are high or low. They simply still continue to think that we are a group of bitter, angry spouses and that our “job” is to be here on earth to do things for them, not ourselves! (I’m sure this paragraph will grant me comments from some of them! LOL!) It’s just sweet to know that we are not alone.

I wish more diabetics would read this and understant how they really are when they go high and low.


Finally, to my sister – Tom’s wife. We started this. You were the first person who actually supported me rather than putting me down. You even named your blog after me. We have been in this together the longest. We do truly carry each other’s burdens. You, my dear, have every right to complain about his driving. I read your post.    Don’t even give what I have been through a second thought! Because if he continues to drive like that with you as a passenger….you may not live long enough to go through much else!

I truly hope that no one will look at the past 5 weeks of my life and belittle what they are going through. Diabetics, when high or low, are impossible to live with. You can’t reason with them. They won’t accept logic. They are just mad, mad, mad. In the hospital, I had a brigade of nurses to come down on hubby when he attempted that path. But now that we are home, I know it’s constant testing, insulin, food….keeping him from going high or low….a constant, never-ending, time-consuming schedule that will prevent this.

At least I have 3 more months where he cannot drive! :o)


1 comment:

Lilly said...

Thank you for posting and responding to all the comments. Much food for thought here.

I whole-heartedly agree with you that it is great to have a network of wives who understand! Many, many thank yous to you (again) for your blog, and giving me (and most likely others) the courage to share our daily challenges. Just in case you don't know, there are times you have literally helped me maintain my sanity through all the craziness. I cannot thank you enough. Take care, and be good to yourself, because you really do deserve it!