Ahhhh....the roller coaster ride - again.
The wound is better. It appears to be healing. While it still looks horrible, I can see it closing. I can also tell it will be a lengthy process.
He did the extra 5 sets of xrays on his back.
The neurosurgeon is out on vacation for 2 weeks.....so we wait.
Always a rollercoaster.
2 days ago he said he wanted to go to the movies on Saturday night. We even picked out the time/movie to go see. I remember saying, "I thought we weren't going out to the movies anymore." He replied, "It's your birthday, I thought we'd do something nice". (birthday is not for another week, but I was happy he wanted to go out)
I went to lunch with a pal today and when I came home, I asked what time we were going to leave to go out.
He looked at me like I was crazy and he said, "go out where?"
I said that I thought we were going to the movies
He said he never said that.
I reminded him of the movie he had said he wanted to go see and the time.
He said, "I asked you IF we went to the movies, what would we go see."
I told him that his implication was that we were going to the movies on Friday night.
He got mad and started yelling at me that he had the right to change his mind.
I simply said that he should tell me when he changes his mind so I know what ot plan for
Then he really got mad and started accusing me of changing my mind all the time and never telling him. Of course, I change my mind....but I do tell him. I told him it just didn't matter any more. I went to bed and took a 2 hour nap. No, it didn't help. But he is absolutely exhausting. The word games he plays, his ability to turn everything on me - make every tiny detail my fault. If I could just get a job, I would leave him. But no luck on the job front, that's for sure.
So I stay. In a place I truly do not want to be. Never planned this. Never asked for this. Never agreed to this. I know he hurts. I know he is depressed. I know he is exhausted. But it is 100% his problem, not mine and I am tired of being his scape goat - his excuse, I am tired of being blamed for everything wrong with his life.
Maybe I just need a 4 hour nap! LOL!
DW
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3 comments:
LEAVE..then maybe he will stop being stubborn and get some help with depression and appreciate you...that was my gut reaction to your entry...or nap and see if you feel differently...but what is happening now does not seem healthy for you and he is unwilling to get mental health help...so...hugs
DW - I so feel your pain! I have so many thoughts going through my mind - I don't know where to begin! Let's see what I get down here and, if any of it makes sense. Let's start with current behavior / situation. I recently went on an east to west coast road-trip with my sister, in her move to the west coast. We had a great time driving ~4500 miles total - checking out many natural wonders of the US. In the meantime, my husband refused to take my calls back home. He kept his cell off and, wouldn't answer the home phone. Kept in touch with our adult children, who had to deal with a couple of low blood sugars during my week away (he's usually good when I'm away). Needless to say, our children had to pick me up from the airport. We really haven't spoken much since I returned which, is not much different from his recent behavior. Although, I have to say his lack of communication isn't that foreign to us - it just seems to have reached at new level. He was probably mad that I went with my sister. He's never been happy with my outside activities - not being supportive of much that I do, including continued education for career growth. But, I can't let him bring me down - make me a prisoner. If I think I'm frustrated now, I'd really be frustrated. The additional activities include: a lot of volunteering at church and working with youth when our children were still in the school system. He's currently treating for Parkinson's, after a couple of years of symptoms. A good year ago, the doc didn't feel it was Parkinson's but, upon husband's recent doc appt (after over a year not seeing a doc), the doc has decided it is Parkinson's. Multiple med's have been prescribed - they may be making a positive difference - I sure hope they are. Just did a little online research to see if there is a correlation with frequent low blood sugars (yes, probably at least a thousand of them here, too) and Parkinson's, finding that frequent severe low blood sugars can lead to brain damage. continued...
…continued…. Do we have a match? Well, I'm no MD but.... Brings me back to a doc appt I accompanied my husband to several years ago (10+, at least). I asked the doc if frequent low blood sugars could harm a person. His reply: no more than taking a sh1t or having sex. Thank you oh educated one...here I sit with yet another challenge, possibly a side effect of diabetes. I thought years ago of leaving my husband - actually kicking him out. But, our children (preschool and early elementary at the time) started acting up. It made me question: was it fair to disrupt his or their lives because I wasn't happy with how he wasn't taken care of himself? Everyone needs someone - is my purpose in life to take care of him? Have to say - not much enamored with this purpose. Don't like the anger; the frequent low blood sugars and all that comes with them; trying to function on little to no sleep the next day (most of his lows are at night - resulting in me not getting back to sleep for hours or, just in time for the alarm to go off). Additionally, our children are very frustrated with him. My daughter is very verbal thus, take her comments with a grain of salt. Our son, however, is an extremely fair, level-headed young man. When he starts expressing frustration, then I know it's not fabrication on my part. Our son asked me a few months back if my husband / his father ever said he was sorry or thank you - after I help him with a low. He has not. In fact, lately, he has begun arguing that he wasn't even low (like he did when our children were really young). The tell-tail signs were there, as were the blood sugar results I see when taking a peak at his glucose monitor. Our children have started helping me with the lows. Does this bother their father - thinking that his children are stepping in to help when he can't help himself? Did I make the right decision in sticking with him? All I know is I hate to see our children and myself be treated like the city dump.... OK, enough of my ramblings...thank you for "listening"... It's not an easy life for anyone involved, especially the diabetic.
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