Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Catching up

I know - been awhile! So, post cardiac physical therapy is completed and he has a call in to neurology so he can start PT for his back. While I feel pretty certain that his heart is back in gear, it's really hard to tell because of the back pain. He is walking every other day, and really trying hard to eat right. But the pain overwhelms him most days. He's so grumpy. And yes, I know, if I were in that much pain, I'd be just a completly miserable person all the time - just like he is. But I think he tends to forget that I'm here. That I have needs. That this is a partnership. Not just a one-sided story.

But then, because of his pain, how can he even consider me?

So I try to understand, be patient, carve out a life of my own. It's sad. It's hard. It's lonely.

He is sill under a weight lifting restriction and it is taking it's toll on me. But I am resting when I need to, sitting on the heating pad, eating healthy and doing all the things I need to do to take care of me.

Mostly, I wake up, and take each day just one step at a time. I don't think much about the future or the past. I just try to do what needs to be done to get through today. And I make lists. That eventually get thrown away because I realize they will never get done, and that's ok.

Finding pleasure in little things has become important. But I feel like I'm old before my time. There is so much we have changed this year and so much we still continue to change. So much activity that we have had to give up. And I sit here and know that the only reason we give it up is because of his health. Sort of sad the things you do in the name of love.

Trying to find joy in the things you can still do is often times quite hard. Especially when that list has dwindled down to so few things. Limitations - not a word I have ever accepted. But when he says "no" - then it's either go it alone, or give it up. And some things are just no fun when done alone!

Aside from that, life is ok. He is here. He is functioning. We went out the other night and a man wheeled his wife in. She was younger than me and had had an obvious stroke. Was paralized for the most part. He sat there and fed her and talked to her and laughed with her. It was interesting to watch them. Made me so grateful that hubby is where he is.

That's the lesson in life I'm learning over and over every single day. That there is always someone else much worse off than we are and we just need to be grateful for what we have left - even if it isn't what we had yesterday.


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