Saturday, March 06, 2010

The insensitivity of others

Everyone came today to visit my husband. I almost had to laugh outloud. His son did not call him on his birthday. Did not bother to call him on Father's Day, but now claims he is going to be in pre-op with him for surgery. I told him they had said I would be the only one allowed in pre-op. He said, "I don't care!"

This son has 2 kids. My husband adores them. The youngest one is 3 years old. Before today, he had spent 6 hours with her in her entire life. We are not invited to anything because hubby's ex-wife gets invited to all the family functions and her husband has said he will not be in the same room with us. He has never met us. Not once. So he made that choice from whatever hubby's ex-wife told him. We are excluded from everything.

His daughter came today. She said, "you got a new refrigerator!" I said, "Yes, 3 years ago!" So it has been that long since she has come to visit him. She lives 2 hours away. But at least she does remember to call on the important dates.

They seem to have no use for him, no desire to be with him, yet now that he is going in for surgery.....they are here.

His parents have not been to visit him at his home since 1982. They are insisting on driving up for surgery. I am still hoping he can talk them out of it. They do not need to see him after surgery -he is going to have so many IVs in him - and they are not in the best of health as it is.

Now, don't misunderstand me. It's not that I don't want them all to surround him with their love and support - it's just that one has to ask, where have they been the last 12 years? Why haven't they surrounded him with their love and support prior to this? Is it just for show? Is it a sense of "duty"?

I feel certain the only reason his parents are making the drive up is to be the center of attention. In all the years I have known them, it has been their single goal. And if it doesn't happen, they will make such a scene, that it does happen. She has trigeminal neuralgia and will literally go into a fit of schrill screams when the "pain" becomes more than she can handle. Exactly what we need in an ICU waiting room! He is diabetic and will go low at the drop of a pin and have to go to ER. We need that in ICU as well!

When his own father had a triple bypass, he had to fly to be with him because his mom wouldn't make the 3 hour drive to be with him. Yet she will take 3 days to drive here to be with my husband? Makes absolutely no sense to me. Unless it really is that she wants to make a scene.

So I am calling in the troops! 2 of my sisters, a brother-in-law and my brother will all be here to assist and help with his family so I can focus on being with him. Hubby and I have talked it all out and he agrees that I don't need to be spending time getting food, water, etc. for his family or trying to make them comfortable, my family can do all that for me. And they will do it gladly. They absolutely adore hubby, call him all the time, include him in everything.

I wish family would simply be consistent in their relationships. If you never come visit him.....don't make a show and be here for surgery like this. If you want to be included in surgery, then include him in all your other activities. Seems pretty simple to me.

Guess I just needed to vent today.



Mary said...

DW, I am so sorry that you and your dh went through this. My dh had surgery two years ago and we did not tell anyone until "after" he got out of the hospital and was able to visit. We could not take the stress created by family and friends. Take time to take care of yourself while going through this.


Neil Curtis said...

Your message should be shared with the world of diabetics who do not take this disease seriously.