Saturday, June 14, 2008

No energy to even think about posting.

I just can't do this. I can't keep up with him, with my life, with our existence. I am beyond exhausted. Just cleaning up the crap after him. The whole house smells of urine and I know it's from the depends. He refused to take the trash out and I find myself going nuts taking out the trash, washing his sheets, just trying to keep up with the smell and nothing else. I don't know what I'm going to do. Tonight is really bad.

I have moved into the guest bedroom and it is pleasant in here. But the moment I walk outside, I smell it. We have a trash can for the upstairs out in the hall and I guess tomorrow I will move that into the master bedroom. At least get that smell out of the hallway. Sigh.

He is sleeping almost all the time these days. Part of me thinks that's a blessing. The other part of me is just so bored I could just scream. When he is awake, he just lays on the sofa and watches TV. Today, he got up at 11 am. Went back to sleep at 2 pm. Woke up at 5 pm. and then dozed until 7:30 when he went upstairs to bed. This seems to be a daily pattern. He says he is not sleeping well at night, is having really strange dreams. I suggested it might be side effects from some of his drugs. He said "no".

I do think he is really depressed right now. And he refuses to tell his doctor. I have been doing all of the yardwork this summer and I know that has me worn out as well. I just can't maintain a yard that is over 2/3 acre. Those weeds grow way faster than I can move these days! LOL!

It scares me to think about what we are going to do next. I'm having a terrible time just sorting through things trying to downsize. It seems to be taking forever. But I am working on it, slow but sure.

Got an offer to travel and demo with a manufacturer for the rest of the summer. Will make 5 or 6 weekend trips with them and I totally jumped on the chance to get out of the house even for a few weekends.

Oh, he said he went to his doctor this week and there have been no changes in any of his levels. I really wish I could see the lab results, but he won't share them with me. I just have a feeling in my gut that he is not telling the whole truth. Someone said they think he treats me like an employee - he only tells me what he wants me to know. My thoughts - employees do quit! :o)



Anonymous said...

I am so sorry you have to go thru this. I unfortunately can relate to what you are living thru. I too have a noncompoiant diabetic. He quit taking his insulin a year ago and has not seen his doctor for over a year. He has expired strips also and I don't even want to know the expiration date..He sleeps continually and it does get old. He continues to say, I didn't sleep well the night before. I don't know what to do as the kids are also affected. One minute he is laughing and the next he is yelling. He also says he wants to switch doctors AGAIN! That is because he doesn't want to hear what his doctor is telling him. I want to know what his HgbA1c is but if he were to go to the doctor, he too won't show me his results. Totally denial. I fear for our future. I just don't know how much longer I can continue this...

Diabeteswife said...

I am so grateful that my children are grown. I don't know what I would do if I were in your shoes. I know wha tyou mean about laughing one minute and yelling the next. It's such a complete roller coaster ride and you know - I never liked those too much even as a kid! LOL!