Why do I stay?

L wrote:

"May I ask, honestly, why you won't consider leaving permanently?

You are very frank in your blog about your unhappiness and your husband's inability to change his ways. It sounds like you are really a different person being apart from him.

What keeps you there? Is it shared history? Religion? A fear of how he will manage without you?"

Well, in all honesty, I have truly, deeply, honestly considered leaving him. More than once. And it was a huge part of my extended 3 week vacation right now. I needed time to think and come to a turning point in my life. Religion has no part in this. Fearing how he will manage without me isn't a consideration either. Shared history is a big part. Love is a huge factor. I truly do love him. When he is "normal" he is a complete delight to be around. When I have the man I fell in love with....I am at my happiest.

And for now, the times that he is still "here" are worth staying for. I know...love is blind! LOL!

I think what I have learned these past 3 weeks is that yes, I need to take care of the caregiver (me). I need to take a few more breaks. I need to develop a little more of a career/job/occupation for me. I don't know if that will be in art...or if I will return to the workforce. But I need to do something to have a goal, or a reason to be busy a little bit more.

Aren't we all different when we are away from our spouses? I know I'm more rested. I do believe I'm finally over my pneumonia. My chest feels fine....not tight like it was. No wheezing sounds. It's warm here and I've been out walking as well which is great. I forget how much I miss walking when I get cooped up inside the house during the winter snow months. And I've been surrounded by great friends, lots of creative play, loads of smiles and warm hugs, happy reunions and such.

I'm going home tomorrow and I'm going to stay. But somehow, I feel in my bones that things are going to be different. Maybe they have to be. And I can hear a little something in his voice. He had a sneezing attack yesterday and really hurt his ribs again, so he took another pain pill...it made him loopy again. Today, he said he wanted me to come home and tell him if he was ok or not. I told him that from the sound of his voice alone, I could tell that he still had the drugs in him and I asked him to not take another one of them until after I got home. Do not need him driving to the airport under the influence of something so strong. 22 hours after he took the pill, he was still slurring his words. Truly scary.

But my saving grace is the fact that I do know I can walk out any time. I won't do it on the spur of the moment. I will take another break and seriously think about it. But I do have that option. Every single one of us has that option every day of our lives. And I can stay another day knowing that I have that option.

DW