Monday, October 22, 2007

He's "on" to me!

His daughter called tonight and chatted with him. He hung up just smiling from ear to ear and said, "is there something in the air this weekend? Both my kids call me?"

I didn't say a word. I swear I had a complete poker face and he said, "Yeah, I think there was something in the air this weekend and I think it was you!"

And I just burst out laughing. I told him I'd sent them a little note saying I thought he could use some cheering up. He snarled, then started smiling again!

So....they didn't do it on their own, but at least they responded to my note. Good for them.

His foot is finally looking a little better...just in time for tomorrow's doctor's visit.


Albert said...

It's good to see that your efforts are paying off. Having family share in our life experiences really make things better.

worried wife said...

I too have a husband with diabetes. He was diagonsed over 4 years ago and is still in denial. His sugar ranges from 399(today) to 260, and my patience is running thin. I worry all the time, I can no longer nag or make him take his pills or insulin. He has no idea what he is doing to his family or kids. I pray he is around to see them get married and have kids themselfs.
I totally resent what he is doing to himself and our family. I feel he is being very selfish for not taking care of this serious problem.
I am tired of his mood swings and saying hurtful things to the family. I don't know what else to do.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Jean said...

Worried Wife, I feel your pain. Seriously, I could have written your post other than my spouse has been killing himself for longer, has higher sugars, and now has a boatload of complications to show for it.

There are moments, fleeting but real, when I feel such resentment towards my husband that I cannot bear the sight of him. He won't take a drop of insulin or any of his meds, and he doesn't think I should have a problem with that. Yeah, right, whatever.

Worried Wife, you are not alone. We feel what you feel. Share your pain with others too. Don't cover up for his bad behavior - open yourself up to the support of family and friends, both in the real world and online. And get counseling -- as much as you can afford.

Sad as it may sound, plan for a future that includes him being disabled and plan for another future that includes you being a widow. Those are scary concepts, but we spouses of noncompliants don't have the luxury of living in denial. Survivors play the hand they're dealt, and you are a survivor.

We're all here to help you, so don't go it alone.

Simon said...

I was in denial too, and for many years. Fortunately, I got out of that hole and I'm doing well now.

It's very difficult to actually accept what diabetes can, and will do to you as it progresses. Type 2 diabetes is, to some extent, an invisible disease. You drink more and pee more (who cares) and you might feel a bit tired but that's to be expected, you're getting older. The damage it is really doing is vast but you can't actually see it, it's insidious and until something happens to bring it home to you you can't and, more to the point, WON'T see it.

The thing is that you know that diabetes can stuff your life totally, but you don't want that to happen so you kinda ignore and carry on regardless. You don't remember to take any meds because there is nothing to actually make you want to take them. Let's say you have a wound that's gone septic. It hurts and if you don't take the antibiotics then it will hurt more! So you take them, the pain is a constant reminder to take them. Nothing like that with diabetes.

With diabetes your reminder comes when something in your body breaks. In Wife of a D's case it's his kidneys and the gout. He's got a big reminder now. His body has told him that he's got it wrong and it's kicked him in the butt good and hard. It's also said, to a greater or lesser degree, "Too late matey, you shouldn't have ignored me!". So you give up. Simple as that, why bother? Your body is broken and ain't fixable, might as well just curl up and die.

In the case of both husbands (WW's and WoaD's) they have their medical team, who know the truth but can't read the riot act to them. No point in doing that, they'll just go to another medico or not go at all. They have their family and there is no way that they will let on that anything serious is wrong, they don't want to worry them (hence the lies). They have their spouses, (and my heart goes out to all spouses in this situation) who will stand by them come what may. And they have their friends, who may not even know they are diabetic.

What I suspect they lack is something like Diabetics Anonymous. Others wh have exactly the same disease and all that goes with it. Other diabetics, like myself CAN read the riot act to them! If I knew both of your husbands then I can whisper gently in their ear. "Mate, you are f***ing up!" (Excuse the lagnuage please.) "And you don't need to. You can't get rid of the diabetes but you can improve things a lot and stop it from causing more damage". For example, I had quite bad neuropathy in my feet, very tingly and loss of sensation in parts. I have a tiny bit of tingle left, not a lot though. I got my diabetes under control and it improved! My eyesight has worsened over the years, but I've stopped it getting any worse than it has, which is the important bit. I won't be blind in a few years time! I still have my virilty. I don't care what you say, it does matter to a man! No way I would have that virility if I'd let my diabetes get worse.

That's a lot of rambling on my part but I wanted to say what I would say to your husbands that you and your family can't.

I don't know if there are any local support groups for you. Not prissy or politically correct groups, but straight down the line, hit you on the chin with it groups. If there are then I hope you can get your husbands to go along and become part of it. And if you can't, get sneaky. Try and get someone to come to you and become friends with your husband and gently ease them towards a good future.

And if that fails, get them to phone me and I'll read the riot act to them long-distance!

And my apologies for typing so much.

Diabeteswife said...

Simon, thank you. I know you've posted similar thoughts before, but it does warrant repeating....often! I hope it helps other spouses. It really is nice hearing from someone who has type 2, that has it under "real" control.

Hubby is finally on the road to recover after foot surgery a month ago. I did not know if I would surivie this, but I did. I feel my body yelling at me because it is worn out from all th errands, the jumping through hoops, the stairs (oh! all those stairs) trying to keep him comfy.

The good thing....I am not going to be going to the doctor with him for each visit. We got that good and clear! So hopefully this will be the beginning of a new phase for us.

Jean. I am sending you cyber hugs you poor girl. I think your advice to share your pain with others is perfect. Yes, stop hiding his bad behaviour to the family. I did that....and my sisers went through quite a shock. But they are even more supportive now and have a better understanding of why we quit doing things with them almost overnight a couple of years ago. Planning for a future as a widow....and as a wife who is going to be pushing that wheelchair....excellent advice.

Maybe our spouses are in reason for us to be. I've decided that being proactive, planning, making arrangements is so much easier than fighting him about what he eats and what he doesn't do. Sad....but yes, it helps us survive.