I was coming out of a friends apartment the other day and the gal across the hall happens to be one of my best friends. I'll call her Jane. Tilde, another gal, was visiting her and Jane was rushing out of her place to run up the stairs to Tilde's place to grab her insulin tester. Jane yelled at me, "can you watch her til I get back?"
Let me back up a moment. Jane's husband died of diabetic complications 2 years before mine did. We are probably the 2 most knowledgeable gals in the building when it comes to dealing with a diabetic.
Of course I went in to her apartment and started talking softly to Tilde. She was having sweats, felt like vomiting, had her head between her legs and a wet cloth around her neck. She had eaten peanut butter, drank orange juice and wasn't making any progress. I was trying hard to determine if she was low or high......having no prior knowledge that she was diabetic.....and non-compliant at that.
Jane returned with the testing kit and she didn't know how to use it. (her hubby had been on a pump for years). The test strips were dated 2000!!! It didn't take me 2 minutes to figure it out and we tested her. 298. Was she coming down or going up? Knowing what she had just had to eat, I made the call that she was low, going up and would probably be ok for now. But I urged her to call her doc first thing the next day.
When I left to go back to my apt, I couldn't help getting pissed off. I have come to love both of these gals.....but I am certainly not ready to take on diabetes again!!! Tilde certainly needs to get her diabetes under control. I have eaten enough meals with her (not knowing that she was a diabetic) to realize that she merely eats everything and anything she wants to eat and is severely overweight. Why am I surprised to find out that she's diabetic? I don't know! I think life just continues to surprise the crap out of me on a daily basis! LOL!
Perhaps my vast knowledge and experience with the disease will be of assistance down the line. Everyone in this complex is over 62. Many in their 80s and 90s. I will help when needed. I will always help. It's just what we do. On the other hand....it hasn't been long enough and it brings back so many fresh memories and I just don't want to replay that record. I knew that would happen. I knew that the moment hubby died, I would run as far away as I could from anything diabetes related. But you can't get away from it in this world. And you need to use your knowledge to help others.
The second interesting thing I'm learning......death. If you recall my 33 year old son died 10 months before my hubby did. In the past week, 3 people that I know have died. 2 locals. I thought that I would attend their funerals....but have decided that I can't. I'm just not ready to be around another person's grief. I feel bad that I'm not going, but I hope they will understand. I sent sympathy cards. I have no idea if/when I will be ready to attend a funeral....but it is just too soon for me.
I guess I like that aspect of my current phase of life. I am starting to listen to my gut and do what is best for me, not what my head says that I should be doing. I've been traveling the past month and went off my diet. My stomach is totally out of whack so yesterday was my day to get back on track. Listen to my gut!
Is this all residual trauma from having been married to a diabetic? having gone through the loss of him and my son? There are just things that my gut says, "don't deal with that" and I walk away. Will I regret it down the line? Perhaps! Will it help me heal? I have no idea! And what other residual issues will I face in the months to come? Am I staying as active as I am in order to avoid dealing with grief? Or is it healthy to move on and live the best life you can while you still can? I'd like to think the later is the truth, but perhaps the truth is that we will never know.
What I am learning is that each and every one of us has a story to tell. We've had ups and downs in life. We deal with grief differently. We deal with disease and health issues differently. But in that process, we are there for our friends - whether we want to be or not. We can support them, lift them up, hug them and mostly, just listen to them.
When Tilde was having her sugar crash....all I did was ask her a series of questions. But it took the focus off how she was feeling and made her think and that got her out of her crash. I was persistent, reasking each question to make sure she was listening and in the moment with me. The first few were like dragging her out of a bog, but it got easier and we got her back to the present and she responded with great accuracy to most of my questions. This is what you do with friends. It's what I did with hubby. Stick with it to the very end......and then deal with how you feel about what just happened after it's over.
So yeah, I still get pissed over diabetes. I haven't forgotten about it at all. I will always remember every moment of hubby's life and now I will add to that the stories of my friends who are non-compliant. You can always lead that horse to water, but you can't make it drink. Residual trauma. With us for life. But my life is so, so, so much better now that I'm not a diabetic spouse. Yet at the same time, I will support, help, assist, love and cherish my friends - even the non-compliant ones.
Hope you are having a calm period with your non-compliant spouse/friends.
DW
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7 comments:
Hi DW,
Seems this time in our history is so full of chronically ill people that they can kind of get away with choosing to live in a way that makes them so ill because there's so many of them.
I have moments when we are just sitting around talking when it feels like we always were, but most of the time his body disgusts me, his unreasonable anger and hate towards everyone and everything and consequent refusal to do anything or go anywhere makes me just want to get away from him. It depresses me and makes me feel so guilty to feel that negatively towards him. It's turning into a kind of self-loathing that I can't ignore or push away because I feel bad about myself and it is playing out in me not taking such good care of myself like I used to.
And on top of it now our daughter has given up her career to stay with him while I go do my daily life stuff most days so he won't be lonely. I can't just stay home all the time while he sleeps and watches TV. I am happy when I am at my volunteer work and with other people - amongst folks who are lviing a more vibrant hopeful, helpful and healthful lifestyle. Now she started smoking to be with him when he is smoking and feels "banished" from the general public who don't want smokers around them.
Does any of this strike a chord with your experience?
Is there anything that you could offer to help me stop this downward spiral of my deep and growing guilt for how I feel?
I've told them both honestly how I feel and they both say that this is their choice, and continue.
Nothing changes for the better, only decline followed by more decline.
I've gained 40 pounds.
- Not really Managing.
I want to thank you for posting. Being a wife of a non-compliant diabetic is not fun. You have helped me so much. Thank you.
Thank you. I've needed you w lot over the last 10 years I've been following you.
thanks for sharing such a good information with us. i hope you will some more info about blood sugar test kit
Dear managing. So sorry it has taken me this long to reply. I hope you are in a better place by now. When I got in that downward spiral I would start by writing down everything. My thoughts, feelings, sadness, anger, hopeless feelings.....every single thing I was feeling. Then I would write down goals. Many I never accomplished - but it gave me something to do. Sometimes, just writing was enough. I would set goals for lunch with a friend, to read a book, to go for a walk. to visit a family member. Many of my unmet goals were weight. I have lost 30 pounds since he died so I know much of my frustrations and worry were handled by food.
I did set up an art room - a place to escape I filled it with things that made me happy. Just took up a guest bedroom as we never had guests! That helped.
Also, I would sign up for classes. Learn something new. Try something different. I will post in a few about this pandemic.
Truly, I hope you are doing better!
I am so glad I came across your blog. Thank you for creating it and sharing your experiences with us. I am so happy to hear you are doing great now. I am at a total loss at this point on how to help my non-compliant Diabetic 1 boyfriend. I love him so much but he manages his Diabetes 1 very poorly and often ends with him being in an aggressive high or low or becomes so low that he gets extremely angry towards me trying to get sugar into him. He often gets paranoid, or suddenly erupts in anger. He cannot remember hurtful things he says to me, always excusing it for being high or low. But he also turns it on me. Saying I imagine things, it's in my head, that he never said these things to me and that I am too sensitive and clearly have some sort of mental health problem saying I might have something wrong with me mentally. I was distraught, did tests (nothing), spoke to my friends who couldn't believe I was actually asking them if they thought that something was wrong with me. When I try to help him with managing his Diabetes better he gets resentful, tells me to stop caring so much, loving him less and that he knows what he is doing. I have come to the point of complete exhaustion, feeling sad, I cry a lot over his meanness towards me and in return he keeps on saying I am way too sensitive, it's so unfair and I feel helpless. He has pushed me away, pushed our love away. He calls me crazy when I repeat things he said to me. I asked him multiple times if he would please consider his pump again and that he needs to monitor better. One time he had such a bad low that he started yelling at me and pushing me. When he finally came out after I got some sugar in him, I broke down crying because I never experienced such a thing. I told him we need to create an emergency plan to also protect myself. His response was that I wasn't tough enough to handle this, and I could leave him like other women did and that I clearly needed therapy for overreacting like this. I am so sad and frustrated and angry that he doesn't want to manage this better for himself and the sake of our relationship. I feel he has nothing but contempt for me for loving him and caring for him. I love him and when he has stable levels he is the man I fell in love with and I hold onto that for dear life. I don't want to loose him but I don't know what to do anymore...
Hi Jean, I decided to check comments today and found yours. He's a boyfriend. I get that you "love" him, but with the obvious abuse he is showering on you, his attempts to "gaslight" you - make you think you are the one who's crazy, your own sadness, frustration and anger......would it be ok to just walk away? What is keeping you with him?
From my own personal experience, it will NOT get any better. There will be moments of time when life is normal, but you are in for a roller coaster ride, so learn to expect his tirades. Sad, and I don't mean to sound cruel or harsh, and again it's just my personal experience - it won't get better. He will never be "normal" - he has diabetes. It is a disease that doesn't end or go away. It can get better but it can get worse and that's the roller coaster. I did not walk away. My ride was 20 years long. It takes a very strong, tough, independent woman to survive. Only you can make that decision. Best of luck and many prayers.
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