It was harder than I thought. The first was our anniversary. UGH! The 16th was the six-month anniversary of his passing. The 19th was his 65th birthday. And if he were still here, he would have done it big! For his 50th, he took us on a 15 day cruise through the Panama Canal. I can't help wonder what he would have done for his 65th? He was always chatting about taking a world cruise.
So I cried a bit. Then I decided to go buy a case of our favorite wine. It's made locally. I'm not a drinker - the last case we bought, I gave every bottle away as a gift. But that night, the 19th, I came home and opened a bottle and had a glass.
As I sat here in tears, I decided to FaceTime my sister who winters in Yuma AZ. She said, "come on down" so I packed my car and left the next morning! Was I "running away"? I think perhaps I was. I spent 2 weeks in Yuma, and did a 2 day drive over to San Diego to visit the ocean for the second time in 2 months! I soaked up the sun. Decided to start on a low carb diet. Had numerous "awakening" moments. And about 10 days into the trip, our youngest sister called and said she wanted to join us so she flew down and spent 5 days then drove home with me.
Some of my ah-ha moments:
1) I have too much black in my wardrobe. That's been going on for the last few years. I need to brighten it up. So I went shopping in Yuma and San Diego. Not real successful at the color change, but I did add something gray and something green! LOL!
2) I need to start taking better care of me. So I got a manicure/pedicure. I do not know when the last time was that I wore nail polish! They look nice and I plan to maintain them with regular mani/pedis.
3) About 13 years ago, I had a theft and most of my jewelry was stolen. What was left, I was afraid to wear. I had gotten lazy. I didn't even put earrings in. That is changing. I bought new earrings on this trip and I have worn earrings every day for the last 3 weeks. I am cleaning my jewelry and getting ready to wear it more often. Going to dress better. Going to start looking as though I feel good whether I do or not! Hubby had given me a gorgeous diamond tennis bracelet that I kept locked in a safe. It's now on my wrist. I love it!
4) I have lost 11 pounds. What a difference that makes! My 50 year class reunion is this July and I am motivated. 25 more pounds to go at a minimum. But already, I'm in a size smaller jeans and it feels great! My left foot that I broke 6 months ago is all healed. I've started walking again. Might even get back to the gym.
I'm doing low carb. Trying to keep it under 20 carbs a day. Wow! That is a tough one! Lots of meat, cheese and eggs. Interestingly my appetite is way down and I read that can happen on low carb diets - so I'm happy with that. Lots of omelettes. I am hoping I can stick with this. Perhaps one of the easier diets to be on when traveling. I can almost always find shrimp cocktail!
5) I started drinking coffee. I have never ever liked the taste of it, but I tried some Cinnabon in Arizona and decided I could handle it with a ton of creamer in it! LOL! I even bought a small keurig machine and am quite happy with the taste. I think it's the caffeine but it seems to give me a boost of energy throughout the morning hours. Hubby never drank coffee either. I just decided that it's time to make some changes in my life. Coffee is going to be one of them. Sit and sip a cup in the morning and just relax before I start my day!
6) I put my fitbit on my wrist and I'm not only tracking my steps, but my heart rate and my sleep patterns. It's interesting - I'm getting better sleep than I thought I was. Very happy to know that but need to figure out why I "feel" tired when I'm getting good sleep.
7) I am setting goals. Life goals. Weight goals. Personal goals. I'm giving myself deadlines. When in Yuma, I went to several dances with my sister and her hubby. I do not know how to dance. So youtube videos are in my future. I think I have the "electric slide" down pat! I'll give the "tush push" a try today! I'm seriously thinking about arthur murray lessons of some kind.
In 2012, I had a lumpectomy done on my right breast. It was already the smaller side and now the other side is 2 cups larger. Yes, you read that right! I cannot get a bra that fits - I wear stretchy spandex fitness bras and I always wear a shirt or vest to cover up the discrepancy. So when I get close to my weight goal, I plan to have the other side reduced. Maybe then I can wear a "real" bra again!!!
Goals. Things to strive to attain. A reason to get up in the morning and get through the day. Without stuffing my face in sorrow! I remember mom said to me once, "you always need a goal". I think I had forgotten that advice. Or perhaps my goal had simply become to get through a single day living with a diabetic spouse!
8) I plan to travel more. I am going to be horse-sitting for a friend of mine the end of this month. Yes, horse sitting, not house sitting! LOL! Then I want to go to Florida to visit some friends of mine. I'm looking for a cruise that I can take while I'm there. My class reunion is this summer and it's 1000 miles away. I want to go back to Israel this fall, maybe for 2 months.
9) I continue to downsize. Busy doing a lot of eBay sales. I have my name on the waiting list for 3 different apartment complexes. If I don't get something by next month, I will simply put everything in storage as I want to sell the house this spring. I'm ready to move. Almost all of my closets and cabinets are emptied and what's left can be packed up in a couple of days. I will move what I want to keep, then have a final "estate" sale in the house and get rid of what's left. It feels so good to be cleaning out.
10) January. Something happened to me last month and I can't quite put a finger on it. Is there some measure of time that you need to grieve? Is 6 months it for me? Was it that there were so many bookmarks....getting through Christmas, then our anniversary and his birthday.....and now I know I will be ok? Is it just time as a whole? I feel a little bit lighter, like a burden of some type has been lifted. I feel like I will survive and that it's time to get on with life. I'm a little bit happier. I think I laugh a little more often. I don't feel the need to be quite so sad so much of the time. Maybe the trip to Yuma got me back into socializing a little bit more. Whatever it is/was, it feels good and I want to keep going forward.
I think these were all very good ah-ha moments for me. One final thought. I know that I think about diabetes less and less as time goes forward. But I was talking with a 77 year old woman yesterday who has diabetes and is severely overweight. She is having foot troubles. She is on oxygen and uses a walker. And I had to tell myself to just keep quiet. Her diet is none of my business. I can't "fix" her. I can't get involved. But my heart bled just an ounce for her and what she is going through and what she must be putting her family through. Living with diabetes - does one ever truly get completely away from it? I doubt it. But perhaps we can move forward with our own lives knowing what not to do and prevent ourselves from getting the disease.
And now - back to that cup of coffee that's gotten a bit cold!
DW
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