I was coming out of a friends apartment the other day and the gal across the hall happens to be one of my best friends. I'll call her Jane. Tilde, another gal, was visiting her and Jane was rushing out of her place to run up the stairs to Tilde's place to grab her insulin tester. Jane yelled at me, "can you watch her til I get back?"
Let me back up a moment. Jane's husband died of diabetic complications 2 years before mine did. We are probably the 2 most knowledgeable gals in the building when it comes to dealing with a diabetic.
Of course I went in to her apartment and started talking softly to Tilde. She was having sweats, felt like vomiting, had her head between her legs and a wet cloth around her neck. She had eaten peanut butter, drank orange juice and wasn't making any progress. I was trying hard to determine if she was low or high......having no prior knowledge that she was diabetic.....and non-compliant at that.
Jane returned with the testing kit and she didn't know how to use it. (her hubby had been on a pump for years). The test strips were dated 2000!!! It didn't take me 2 minutes to figure it out and we tested her. 298. Was she coming down or going up? Knowing what she had just had to eat, I made the call that she was low, going up and would probably be ok for now. But I urged her to call her doc first thing the next day.
When I left to go back to my apt, I couldn't help getting pissed off. I have come to love both of these gals.....but I am certainly not ready to take on diabetes again!!! Tilde certainly needs to get her diabetes under control. I have eaten enough meals with her (not knowing that she was a diabetic) to realize that she merely eats everything and anything she wants to eat and is severely overweight. Why am I surprised to find out that she's diabetic? I don't know! I think life just continues to surprise the crap out of me on a daily basis! LOL!
Perhaps my vast knowledge and experience with the disease will be of assistance down the line. Everyone in this complex is over 62. Many in their 80s and 90s. I will help when needed. I will always help. It's just what we do. On the other hand....it hasn't been long enough and it brings back so many fresh memories and I just don't want to replay that record. I knew that would happen. I knew that the moment hubby died, I would run as far away as I could from anything diabetes related. But you can't get away from it in this world. And you need to use your knowledge to help others.
The second interesting thing I'm learning......death. If you recall my 33 year old son died 10 months before my hubby did. In the past week, 3 people that I know have died. 2 locals. I thought that I would attend their funerals....but have decided that I can't. I'm just not ready to be around another person's grief. I feel bad that I'm not going, but I hope they will understand. I sent sympathy cards. I have no idea if/when I will be ready to attend a funeral....but it is just too soon for me.
I guess I like that aspect of my current phase of life. I am starting to listen to my gut and do what is best for me, not what my head says that I should be doing. I've been traveling the past month and went off my diet. My stomach is totally out of whack so yesterday was my day to get back on track. Listen to my gut!
Is this all residual trauma from having been married to a diabetic? having gone through the loss of him and my son? There are just things that my gut says, "don't deal with that" and I walk away. Will I regret it down the line? Perhaps! Will it help me heal? I have no idea! And what other residual issues will I face in the months to come? Am I staying as active as I am in order to avoid dealing with grief? Or is it healthy to move on and live the best life you can while you still can? I'd like to think the later is the truth, but perhaps the truth is that we will never know.
What I am learning is that each and every one of us has a story to tell. We've had ups and downs in life. We deal with grief differently. We deal with disease and health issues differently. But in that process, we are there for our friends - whether we want to be or not. We can support them, lift them up, hug them and mostly, just listen to them.
When Tilde was having her sugar crash....all I did was ask her a series of questions. But it took the focus off how she was feeling and made her think and that got her out of her crash. I was persistent, reasking each question to make sure she was listening and in the moment with me. The first few were like dragging her out of a bog, but it got easier and we got her back to the present and she responded with great accuracy to most of my questions. This is what you do with friends. It's what I did with hubby. Stick with it to the very end......and then deal with how you feel about what just happened after it's over.
So yeah, I still get pissed over diabetes. I haven't forgotten about it at all. I will always remember every moment of hubby's life and now I will add to that the stories of my friends who are non-compliant. You can always lead that horse to water, but you can't make it drink. Residual trauma. With us for life. But my life is so, so, so much better now that I'm not a diabetic spouse. Yet at the same time, I will support, help, assist, love and cherish my friends - even the non-compliant ones.
Hope you are having a calm period with your non-compliant spouse/friends.
DW
Saturday, August 31, 2019
Wednesday, May 22, 2019
How time flies!
Has it really been 3 1/2 months since I last posted? Amazing! I am meeting goals and doing well! Here are my updates:
Down 30 pounds, 10 more to go!
Have been taking private dance lessons as well as group lessons. Learned enough line dances that I am now teaching them 4 hours a week. Dancing 6-7 hours a week. It feels great to move!
Moved into a studio apartment in a 12 story senior complex and absolutely love it! My sister is moving in 2 doors down from me in a week. We are on vacation in San Diego this week. 2 other close pals have moved into this complex as well.
Am learning how to run a professional karaoke system and have started singing again!
Sold my house. 36 hours on the market and had a full price offer.
Gave my car to my son and traded the truck in on a 2019 Subaru Forester. Love it!
One step at a time. Things are getting done. As I said, it’s good to have goals!
I have fallen in love with life...which has opened my heart to all kinds of emotions and feelings.
Including love. I never thought I would love again. I didn’t think it was possible. I wasn’t looking for it. But I am learning that life is full of surprises. And while I know that I am fighting it, I wonder if I just let go and let my emotions run with it....what might happen?
At the same time, I realize that I still have a hundred million issues to work through, so I am taking this one step at a time.
But it sure feels good!
Just an update to say that life is good. Perhaps I’ll post again once this amazing vacations n with my sister is over!
Down 30 pounds, 10 more to go!
Have been taking private dance lessons as well as group lessons. Learned enough line dances that I am now teaching them 4 hours a week. Dancing 6-7 hours a week. It feels great to move!
Moved into a studio apartment in a 12 story senior complex and absolutely love it! My sister is moving in 2 doors down from me in a week. We are on vacation in San Diego this week. 2 other close pals have moved into this complex as well.
Am learning how to run a professional karaoke system and have started singing again!
Sold my house. 36 hours on the market and had a full price offer.
Gave my car to my son and traded the truck in on a 2019 Subaru Forester. Love it!
One step at a time. Things are getting done. As I said, it’s good to have goals!
I have fallen in love with life...which has opened my heart to all kinds of emotions and feelings.
Including love. I never thought I would love again. I didn’t think it was possible. I wasn’t looking for it. But I am learning that life is full of surprises. And while I know that I am fighting it, I wonder if I just let go and let my emotions run with it....what might happen?
At the same time, I realize that I still have a hundred million issues to work through, so I am taking this one step at a time.
But it sure feels good!
Just an update to say that life is good. Perhaps I’ll post again once this amazing vacations n with my sister is over!
Tuesday, February 05, 2019
So glad we are done with January!
It was harder than I thought. The first was our anniversary. UGH! The 16th was the six-month anniversary of his passing. The 19th was his 65th birthday. And if he were still here, he would have done it big! For his 50th, he took us on a 15 day cruise through the Panama Canal. I can't help wonder what he would have done for his 65th? He was always chatting about taking a world cruise.
So I cried a bit. Then I decided to go buy a case of our favorite wine. It's made locally. I'm not a drinker - the last case we bought, I gave every bottle away as a gift. But that night, the 19th, I came home and opened a bottle and had a glass.
As I sat here in tears, I decided to FaceTime my sister who winters in Yuma AZ. She said, "come on down" so I packed my car and left the next morning! Was I "running away"? I think perhaps I was. I spent 2 weeks in Yuma, and did a 2 day drive over to San Diego to visit the ocean for the second time in 2 months! I soaked up the sun. Decided to start on a low carb diet. Had numerous "awakening" moments. And about 10 days into the trip, our youngest sister called and said she wanted to join us so she flew down and spent 5 days then drove home with me.
Some of my ah-ha moments:
1) I have too much black in my wardrobe. That's been going on for the last few years. I need to brighten it up. So I went shopping in Yuma and San Diego. Not real successful at the color change, but I did add something gray and something green! LOL!
2) I need to start taking better care of me. So I got a manicure/pedicure. I do not know when the last time was that I wore nail polish! They look nice and I plan to maintain them with regular mani/pedis.
3) About 13 years ago, I had a theft and most of my jewelry was stolen. What was left, I was afraid to wear. I had gotten lazy. I didn't even put earrings in. That is changing. I bought new earrings on this trip and I have worn earrings every day for the last 3 weeks. I am cleaning my jewelry and getting ready to wear it more often. Going to dress better. Going to start looking as though I feel good whether I do or not! Hubby had given me a gorgeous diamond tennis bracelet that I kept locked in a safe. It's now on my wrist. I love it!
4) I have lost 11 pounds. What a difference that makes! My 50 year class reunion is this July and I am motivated. 25 more pounds to go at a minimum. But already, I'm in a size smaller jeans and it feels great! My left foot that I broke 6 months ago is all healed. I've started walking again. Might even get back to the gym.
I'm doing low carb. Trying to keep it under 20 carbs a day. Wow! That is a tough one! Lots of meat, cheese and eggs. Interestingly my appetite is way down and I read that can happen on low carb diets - so I'm happy with that. Lots of omelettes. I am hoping I can stick with this. Perhaps one of the easier diets to be on when traveling. I can almost always find shrimp cocktail!
5) I started drinking coffee. I have never ever liked the taste of it, but I tried some Cinnabon in Arizona and decided I could handle it with a ton of creamer in it! LOL! I even bought a small keurig machine and am quite happy with the taste. I think it's the caffeine but it seems to give me a boost of energy throughout the morning hours. Hubby never drank coffee either. I just decided that it's time to make some changes in my life. Coffee is going to be one of them. Sit and sip a cup in the morning and just relax before I start my day!
6) I put my fitbit on my wrist and I'm not only tracking my steps, but my heart rate and my sleep patterns. It's interesting - I'm getting better sleep than I thought I was. Very happy to know that but need to figure out why I "feel" tired when I'm getting good sleep.
7) I am setting goals. Life goals. Weight goals. Personal goals. I'm giving myself deadlines. When in Yuma, I went to several dances with my sister and her hubby. I do not know how to dance. So youtube videos are in my future. I think I have the "electric slide" down pat! I'll give the "tush push" a try today! I'm seriously thinking about arthur murray lessons of some kind.
In 2012, I had a lumpectomy done on my right breast. It was already the smaller side and now the other side is 2 cups larger. Yes, you read that right! I cannot get a bra that fits - I wear stretchy spandex fitness bras and I always wear a shirt or vest to cover up the discrepancy. So when I get close to my weight goal, I plan to have the other side reduced. Maybe then I can wear a "real" bra again!!!
Goals. Things to strive to attain. A reason to get up in the morning and get through the day. Without stuffing my face in sorrow! I remember mom said to me once, "you always need a goal". I think I had forgotten that advice. Or perhaps my goal had simply become to get through a single day living with a diabetic spouse!
8) I plan to travel more. I am going to be horse-sitting for a friend of mine the end of this month. Yes, horse sitting, not house sitting! LOL! Then I want to go to Florida to visit some friends of mine. I'm looking for a cruise that I can take while I'm there. My class reunion is this summer and it's 1000 miles away. I want to go back to Israel this fall, maybe for 2 months.
9) I continue to downsize. Busy doing a lot of eBay sales. I have my name on the waiting list for 3 different apartment complexes. If I don't get something by next month, I will simply put everything in storage as I want to sell the house this spring. I'm ready to move. Almost all of my closets and cabinets are emptied and what's left can be packed up in a couple of days. I will move what I want to keep, then have a final "estate" sale in the house and get rid of what's left. It feels so good to be cleaning out.
10) January. Something happened to me last month and I can't quite put a finger on it. Is there some measure of time that you need to grieve? Is 6 months it for me? Was it that there were so many bookmarks....getting through Christmas, then our anniversary and his birthday.....and now I know I will be ok? Is it just time as a whole? I feel a little bit lighter, like a burden of some type has been lifted. I feel like I will survive and that it's time to get on with life. I'm a little bit happier. I think I laugh a little more often. I don't feel the need to be quite so sad so much of the time. Maybe the trip to Yuma got me back into socializing a little bit more. Whatever it is/was, it feels good and I want to keep going forward.
I think these were all very good ah-ha moments for me. One final thought. I know that I think about diabetes less and less as time goes forward. But I was talking with a 77 year old woman yesterday who has diabetes and is severely overweight. She is having foot troubles. She is on oxygen and uses a walker. And I had to tell myself to just keep quiet. Her diet is none of my business. I can't "fix" her. I can't get involved. But my heart bled just an ounce for her and what she is going through and what she must be putting her family through. Living with diabetes - does one ever truly get completely away from it? I doubt it. But perhaps we can move forward with our own lives knowing what not to do and prevent ourselves from getting the disease.
And now - back to that cup of coffee that's gotten a bit cold!
DW
So I cried a bit. Then I decided to go buy a case of our favorite wine. It's made locally. I'm not a drinker - the last case we bought, I gave every bottle away as a gift. But that night, the 19th, I came home and opened a bottle and had a glass.
As I sat here in tears, I decided to FaceTime my sister who winters in Yuma AZ. She said, "come on down" so I packed my car and left the next morning! Was I "running away"? I think perhaps I was. I spent 2 weeks in Yuma, and did a 2 day drive over to San Diego to visit the ocean for the second time in 2 months! I soaked up the sun. Decided to start on a low carb diet. Had numerous "awakening" moments. And about 10 days into the trip, our youngest sister called and said she wanted to join us so she flew down and spent 5 days then drove home with me.
Some of my ah-ha moments:
1) I have too much black in my wardrobe. That's been going on for the last few years. I need to brighten it up. So I went shopping in Yuma and San Diego. Not real successful at the color change, but I did add something gray and something green! LOL!
2) I need to start taking better care of me. So I got a manicure/pedicure. I do not know when the last time was that I wore nail polish! They look nice and I plan to maintain them with regular mani/pedis.
3) About 13 years ago, I had a theft and most of my jewelry was stolen. What was left, I was afraid to wear. I had gotten lazy. I didn't even put earrings in. That is changing. I bought new earrings on this trip and I have worn earrings every day for the last 3 weeks. I am cleaning my jewelry and getting ready to wear it more often. Going to dress better. Going to start looking as though I feel good whether I do or not! Hubby had given me a gorgeous diamond tennis bracelet that I kept locked in a safe. It's now on my wrist. I love it!
4) I have lost 11 pounds. What a difference that makes! My 50 year class reunion is this July and I am motivated. 25 more pounds to go at a minimum. But already, I'm in a size smaller jeans and it feels great! My left foot that I broke 6 months ago is all healed. I've started walking again. Might even get back to the gym.
I'm doing low carb. Trying to keep it under 20 carbs a day. Wow! That is a tough one! Lots of meat, cheese and eggs. Interestingly my appetite is way down and I read that can happen on low carb diets - so I'm happy with that. Lots of omelettes. I am hoping I can stick with this. Perhaps one of the easier diets to be on when traveling. I can almost always find shrimp cocktail!
5) I started drinking coffee. I have never ever liked the taste of it, but I tried some Cinnabon in Arizona and decided I could handle it with a ton of creamer in it! LOL! I even bought a small keurig machine and am quite happy with the taste. I think it's the caffeine but it seems to give me a boost of energy throughout the morning hours. Hubby never drank coffee either. I just decided that it's time to make some changes in my life. Coffee is going to be one of them. Sit and sip a cup in the morning and just relax before I start my day!
6) I put my fitbit on my wrist and I'm not only tracking my steps, but my heart rate and my sleep patterns. It's interesting - I'm getting better sleep than I thought I was. Very happy to know that but need to figure out why I "feel" tired when I'm getting good sleep.
7) I am setting goals. Life goals. Weight goals. Personal goals. I'm giving myself deadlines. When in Yuma, I went to several dances with my sister and her hubby. I do not know how to dance. So youtube videos are in my future. I think I have the "electric slide" down pat! I'll give the "tush push" a try today! I'm seriously thinking about arthur murray lessons of some kind.
In 2012, I had a lumpectomy done on my right breast. It was already the smaller side and now the other side is 2 cups larger. Yes, you read that right! I cannot get a bra that fits - I wear stretchy spandex fitness bras and I always wear a shirt or vest to cover up the discrepancy. So when I get close to my weight goal, I plan to have the other side reduced. Maybe then I can wear a "real" bra again!!!
Goals. Things to strive to attain. A reason to get up in the morning and get through the day. Without stuffing my face in sorrow! I remember mom said to me once, "you always need a goal". I think I had forgotten that advice. Or perhaps my goal had simply become to get through a single day living with a diabetic spouse!
8) I plan to travel more. I am going to be horse-sitting for a friend of mine the end of this month. Yes, horse sitting, not house sitting! LOL! Then I want to go to Florida to visit some friends of mine. I'm looking for a cruise that I can take while I'm there. My class reunion is this summer and it's 1000 miles away. I want to go back to Israel this fall, maybe for 2 months.
9) I continue to downsize. Busy doing a lot of eBay sales. I have my name on the waiting list for 3 different apartment complexes. If I don't get something by next month, I will simply put everything in storage as I want to sell the house this spring. I'm ready to move. Almost all of my closets and cabinets are emptied and what's left can be packed up in a couple of days. I will move what I want to keep, then have a final "estate" sale in the house and get rid of what's left. It feels so good to be cleaning out.
10) January. Something happened to me last month and I can't quite put a finger on it. Is there some measure of time that you need to grieve? Is 6 months it for me? Was it that there were so many bookmarks....getting through Christmas, then our anniversary and his birthday.....and now I know I will be ok? Is it just time as a whole? I feel a little bit lighter, like a burden of some type has been lifted. I feel like I will survive and that it's time to get on with life. I'm a little bit happier. I think I laugh a little more often. I don't feel the need to be quite so sad so much of the time. Maybe the trip to Yuma got me back into socializing a little bit more. Whatever it is/was, it feels good and I want to keep going forward.
I think these were all very good ah-ha moments for me. One final thought. I know that I think about diabetes less and less as time goes forward. But I was talking with a 77 year old woman yesterday who has diabetes and is severely overweight. She is having foot troubles. She is on oxygen and uses a walker. And I had to tell myself to just keep quiet. Her diet is none of my business. I can't "fix" her. I can't get involved. But my heart bled just an ounce for her and what she is going through and what she must be putting her family through. Living with diabetes - does one ever truly get completely away from it? I doubt it. But perhaps we can move forward with our own lives knowing what not to do and prevent ourselves from getting the disease.
And now - back to that cup of coffee that's gotten a bit cold!
DW
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
