Saturday, September 03, 2016

Do you still love him?

I am having a great day playing artist....but when you do that, you loose control of what you are supposed to be doing.  So, to "managing" - I deleted you comment and didn't get it copied.  Sorry!

And it was a great comment about how you used to love your non-compliant diabetic spouse and how you are coming to terms with not loving him any more.  I truly understand that!  And I think on some level, I went through that in the 3 years mine was gone taking care of his dad.  It is so strange when the fellow you were so madly in love with becomes a "roommate" of sorts...that you don't necessarily always want to have living with you.  :)

This week has been interesting.  He has been steadily losing control of the use of his hands - can't hold a thing.  The first solution was to prepare finger food.  Nothing that you have to cut with a knife. Sandwiches are great.  Burritos, tacos, etc.  But this week there have been more drops, spills and accidents than I can shake a finger at.  The mop is now permanently stationed in the kitchen - it has been used so much.

It's the little things like this that are attributable to neuropathy....but no one tells you about them.  When there is no sensation left in the fingers, you can't "feel" an object to grasp hold of it or hang onto it.  I used to mop the floor once a week, then once a day - now multiple times per day.

And that has started me longing for one of these "tiny houses" - with no floor to mop.  No "stuff" to spill or drop.  LOL!  OK - give me my fantasy - I'm entitled to that much!

Here's the sad one tells you, no one prepares you.  I didn't know.  And while the issue has been increasing over the past few months, something has happened this week to where it has been daily.

The other thing I've noticed is an inability to pick up his feet when he walks.  I have plastic runners on the carpet done the hall.  He is constantly catching his foot on it and "tripping".  He doesn't fall, just takes a few extra steps.  And mutters under his breath.  This has happened in the past, but this week - every day, multiple times.

So you have to wonder if something has happened internally to present these increased external incidents.  It's something to ponder.

And I think he notices.  He is ever so much more frustrated with life.  He gets upset and explodes over the tiniest incident.  I can usually ignore them.  Suddenly, he hates living here, hates this place.  So I quietly said, "well, move then."  Ended that outburst.  :)

I used to react, now I don't.  That helps.  Just let him have his rant, know that it may or may not be a sugar hight or low, keep doing whatever it is that I'm doing, don't let him have control over me, keep pushing the monkeys back onto his back.  Difficult to do at times.  But it seems to be helping.

Do I love him?  Isn't that the $64,000 question?  I did.  I do.  I just don't "love" the person he has become.

I have been studying "pump head" a term applied to people who have CABGS surgery (open heart) and are not the same as they were before the surgery.  Quite an interesting concept....but perhaps a lot of truth to it.  The heart "knows" that there was no blood pumped through it.  It "thinks" it should have stopped.  It then gets confused post-surgery.  The brain gets confused.  You do things you never did before.  Some people get angry.  Some just do unexplained things.  My dad tore down a perfectly good house after his bypass surgery....for no acceptable reason!

So then you have to combine the aspects of "pump head" with a non-compliant diabetic.  Very little research written about that.  Very interesting study.

Do I love my pump-head, non-compliant diabetic? Well, that almost sounds funny enough to make you wanna love the poor schmuck!  And even though there have been trying moments this week, it's been a good day today.


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