Tuesday, August 02, 2016

August already!

I am posting this solely as reference notes.  I forget with day-to-day life that I still need to keep track of changes.

I have been studying post CABG (open heart surgery) cognitive dysfunction (aka pump head).  It is an interesting topic.  My dad had 5 bypasses done when he was 45 years old and I'm pretty sure he had this.  About 10 years after his surgery, he tore down a perfectly good house.  He lived 17 years after his surgery, which, at that time, was considered a pretty good track record.

Hubby is now 6 years post CABG.  I see signs of "stupid" decisions.  His brother wanted his parents house and he decided to keep his grandmother's apartment on the property.  It doesn't make good financial sense to me.  He can't sell it (the property has to be sold as a single unit).  Any money he puts into the place (and it needs a ton of investment) will be money down the drain as he can never sell the place to recover it.  Not good financial choices.

He just spent a month there - the hottest month of a year in a place where it's hot!  Why July?  Why not January?  It doesn't make sense.

He is dropping things and getting angry.  Why get angry?  Why not go to a doctor, physical therapist, occupational therapist - see what can be done?  I suppose it's easier to just get angry.

He told me that he would like to just be a recluse.  I told him I'm not ready to live with one.  We are at odds.

While he was gone, I found 4 bottles of nitroglycerin in his bedroom and bathroom.  I asked him if he was taking that again.  He said no.  There should be 25 pills in each bottle.  One had 2 pills, one had 4....I suppose he doesn't want me to know that he's taking it?  Why not?  I suppose he didn't think I'd literally count the pills. LOL!

Today was a particularly horrible day.  I had loaded up the truck with bits of lumber (I just replaced the crossboards on our privacy fence) and tree branches I've cut and yard trimmings to take to the dump.  Got the tarp and tiedowns on it.  He said he'd go with me.  It started raining on the way.  It let up, so I got out and started putting everything in the roll-off dumpster as we weren't allowed to go into the dump due to the mud.  Then it started to pour.  There I was in the pouring rain, moving stuff from the back to the truck to the dumpster while he sat inside the cab.  He didn't offer to help.  He didn't budge.  And I just wanted to cry.  But I didn't.  I finished the task and came home to a long hot bath.

Next week I'm flying 1300 miles to speak at a conference on a history topic I've been researching the past 10 years.  I am looking forward to being surrounded by like-minded souls, to making new friends, to socializing.  I went to dinner this past Sunday with out-of-state friends I have known for 40 years.  He didn't go.  He said he would have nothing to talk about.  I thought that was sad.  I talked and listened for 3 1/2 hours!

I would love to get a small travel trailer and travel while we still can.  He said today that he wouldn't go with me.  So I won't be doing that.  He probably thinks it would be too much work - but I'm not sure why that's an issue since I did all the work today while he sat inside the truck.  Somehow, he just doesn't see that.

I have been quite busy the last 2 months.  We have 180' of privacy fence and I am painting it inside and out, replacing crossboards and repairing pickets as I go.  I have had to clean out the flower beds along the inside and move boulders to get to the bottom of the pickets.  Still walking 3 miles every other day with my sister.  Getting plenty of exercise.

It makes me sad that he has chosen this path for his life.  That he has given up on living - that he finds no joy any more.  And it is a struggle for me to keep my head above water most days - but I am succeeding.  Building a niche for myself, building a circle of friends.  Keeping busy.  Started watercolor painting classes 4 weeks ago.  I am horrible at it!  But I am meeting some very interesting people in class and the conversations are wonderful!  I'm even looking for more classes to take.

While I am sad at his life and lifestyle, I am blessed with mine.  Staying busy, keeping active, finding new things to be interested in - that may be the key to surviving life with a non-compliant diabetic!


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