Friday, December 16, 2011

Finding balance

My sis surprised me with a visit this week.  I think she just sensed I needed her here.  It's been wonderful!  We've been shopping, creating a bit in the studio, watching movies and just enjoying life.  Such a great break!

Now, hubby is always on his best behavior when we have company.  But even my sis made a comment (and she never says a thing) about how snippy he has been this week.  So if she's noticing it, it's really bad. I explained to her that he has been eating like crazy and she said she had noticed that.  We had a lengthy conversation on "why does he do that?" with no answers, of course.  But it was nice to have her here to witness his behavior and attitude.

She went home this morning and I'm hoping for a quiet day.  Planning to spend some more time in the studio being creative.  I think when he had his first minor heart attack (next month will be 3 years ago) I backed off my art.  I had to in order to become a caregiver for him.  I realized this week how much I've missed it.  And I know I have been struggling between finding some balance between getting older and slower, caring for him, not stressing out over him, and having time to design and create.

Yesterday, one of my long distance art pals skyped me.  She made a comment about how long my hair had gotten and I realized just how long it had been since she had seen me.  We probably spent an hour showing each other creative things we were working on.  It felt good.  We used to skype for a whole day at a time, each of us in our studio, creating together long distance.  I realize that I need that.  So I'm going to try harder to find that "balance" that will allow me to do a few things I really want to do.

Perhaps being the wife of a non-compliant diabetic is more about finding balance than anything else.  Letting go of them, knowing they are not going to make the long haul if they don't change.....changing from whatever you were to a full time caregiver.....changing how you accomplish your own tasks as you age and your own body parts start to be less reliable.....but still resolving to be yourself, doing the things you love to do, having your own life.

Wishing you great "balance" this holiday season


1 comment:

kspil1217 said...

I sit on the couch in the dark frustrated over the same life that you seem to describe in this blog. I have been a coach's wide for what will be twenty five years in July of 2012. My husband has been a diabetic since his early twenties and is now fifty. He almost died before my eyes twice since December of 2010. He had a stroke at 37 and miraculously had no deficits except numbness to slight numbness to left side. After his heart attack, he was put on ventilator and went to a rehab facility. I have had to stay in a icu waiting room praying he would live. He has been life back three times but still does not appreciate it as evidence of not adhering to a diet with blood sugars running over 600. He is on a large amount of insulin daily. Likewise, he has very bad mood swings. I have been told when I kindly commented to him to watch his carbs out if love and concern to only be told could he "just eat one time in peace". If I suggest or show concern then he just says he is tired and ready to go "home" which he means to heaven". He weighs 280 and is 5'9". His family history includes deceased parents, both of which died at age 59. His brother who I love like he was my brother has just been told has about five years to live because his heart is severely diseased. He will need a heart transplant. His son is nine and has been a juvenile diabetic since three. I get mad at him on the inside because I feel it it selfish of him not to want to manage his diabetes. Does he not love me? I am his primary caregiver. He is legally blind and requires assist with daily living activities. He walks very limited and has bad neuropathy in his lower extremities. I know this a long comment but I am lonely and depressed and today is my birthday. I wish I had more control of my life!!!!