Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Such a sad comment from someone so young

Jeannette wrote:

I googled "diabetic yelling" and found this page. I'm sitting here shaking and crying because my stepdad is currently recovering from one of these low-blood-sugar, yelling-at-the-top-of-his-lungs sessions. I can't handle it when he gets like this. Just for a bit of a back story, I hate the man's guts. He has always had a temper and been abusive even when he wasn't low. The screaming sessions he has when he's low are the worst because he doesn't remember anything, like you said. He acts like nothing happened, and we're supposed to do the same, even though the screaming sessions open old wounds. I'm getting married next year and moving out immediately afterward. I'd move out sooner if I could.

How terribly sad that you are living like this.  Trust me, I know.  Here's the question I've always asked myself....what keeps "him" from limiting it to verbal abuse?  At what moment will it turn physical and will that be too late for me to leave?  Will I end up getting hurt?  Trust me, I hate pain.  I can handle the verbal stuff but if my husband ever turned physically violent - I would leave.

And that's the hardest part as no one know when it might turn physical.  How low do they have to go?  How angry and frustrated before the verbal turns physical?  I don't have an answer - no one does.  But it is something each of us should think about and prepare for.

There are temporary safe houses.  There is counseling. When you think there is nowhere to go....there always is someplace safer than where you are right now.

Verbal abuse can really take a hard blow to a person's self esteem.  I'm obviously older, have survived enough in my life that I have become a powerfully strong woman and words are not going to hurt me.  They bother me - but don't hurt me.  Had any of this happened when I was young....I'm not sure I'd be the woman I am today.  I had nothing but positive support and feedback when I was your age.  And that can make a huge difference as to the path you choose later on in your life.  Without self esteem, we often make poor choices because we make choices trying to make others say good things to us, stop verbally abusing us, to get out of a situation.....it's that old fight or flight thing.  If all you ever hear are negative things about you, then you start thinking negative things about yourself.

At my age, I ignore his outbursts.  I walk away.  I go to Walmart and walk, or to the park and walk.  Sometimes I leave for half an hour, other times I leave for 2 hours or more.  Sometimes he calls and asks me to come back - other days I don't hear from him and wonder if he's gone into a coma.  But I walk away.  If there is no one for him to rage at - I assume the raging stops!  And while I am his caregiver....I have to take care of me first and that really does mean that I have to walk out if the raging starts.

I find it interesting that I now have to "time" conversations with him.  Is he low?  Has he just eaten?  Is he tired?  I had an issue this week that I needed to discuss with him and I didn't want to do it when he was low as I needed him to remember the conversation.  Sad, but it really has gotten to this point.  And I'm still not sure it was good timing as he's not testing again.  But I had the conversation in a restaurant in a public place and there was no rage.  He got pissed at what I was saying and I knew exactly when to stop the discussion to prevent an outburst.  Only time will tell if he "heard" me or not.  But there was no rage, so we are making progress.

Counseling is so expensive, but it might do 2 things for you and I would ask myself these questions:

1.  Am I getting married to get out of this house.  In any way, shape or form?  Is it even 1% of the reason you are getting married?

2.  If you hate this man so much and he is verbally abusing you, why are you still living there?

3.  What can you do to proactively protect yourself in the event the situation turned physical?

Now, remember, I'm not a therapist.....but I believe a good counselor should be able to give you direction and assistance on the first visit.  If not, find someone else.  And I also know that when you have been verbally beaten to a pulp, it's the hardest, most difficult thing on earth to try and seek help.  I've been there.

Here's wishing you the best. I' will keep you in my prayers.


1 comment:

sar said...

I think those of us with long term marriages stay because we remember all the love and kindness before this horrible disease got a hold of him. We have a history going from our grandparents to our grandchildren, generation upon generation of loving family and now this. We had a good life and family together and now this.

In my particular situation, I am reclaiming my life, my work and my environment. He is sick. I am not. He acts old, I do not. I work. He can not. I am attempting to build what I need to take care of me and thus be able to care for him.

I turned to the doctors about the rage issue and thanks to a great team of physicians, it is being managed by medication. I too would draw the line at violence.

I think my physical abilities are far better than his. If he were to get physically violent, I would run like hell and call 911. I always have my car gassed, cash and credit cards and car keys readily accessible. I have the ability to leave if and when I need to and to buy my own shelter. Most important, I have income coming in and can support myself.