in the pits of dispair.....

I got in there at 6:30 am. And found him in a saturated bed. I do not know if it was a burst ice bag.....or urine. I don't know how long he had been there. He was upset. He had pressed the call button and they said they would come in. He didn't know how long that had been. My sister went out to the desk and 3 nurses were in there immediatly. God only knows what she said to them. I was mad. I yelled. Then I said nothing.

When the surgeon came in, I took him quietly aside and told him exactly how I had found my husband. He looked right into my eyes and said, "what did you say?" and I repeated myself in a very quiet, calm voice and added....I'm quite concerned about the safety of his incisions.

If I could draw a cartoon of heads rolling - I have a whole new vision. That surgeon started shouting orders faster than I could think! It was just unreal. I have never seen so many people in one hospital room ever. They pur waterproof dressings and sealed every single incision on hubby. The brought in a special air bed for better comfort. The brought in 2 urinals, new ice bags, special hand cleaner and gloves for me as I'm allergic to the standard ones. I mean in 20 minutes everything I have requested this past week was in place plus more!

After they all left, I sat there in the chair next to him, holding his hand, my head resting on the bedrail, and cried my heart out. I simply do not understand how any hostpital today can leave a grown man in that condition. Complete, utter, sorrow and prayer that he will not remember that.

When they did the nurses report, the night nurse said he had been incontinent. I looked at her and I said where is his urinal? She looked around and saw that it was out of his reach. I said, "you chart that as well. He is NOT incontinent, he was incapable of reaching his urinal and that is YOUR fault."

By 11 am, he was more than exhausted and I was beyond drained. I remember praying to God to give me the strength to make it through one more moment, to dry my eyes, and to turn me back into his great cheerleader. Somehow, I managed to live through this day.

He was still pumping too much gunk out of his stomach this morning. The surgeon actually yelled that there was not going to be any discharge until his ileus was completely healed. I know hospitals are gung ho on counting days and yesterday, they were saying that he would be transfered to a Long Term Acute Care Hospital. But that didn't happen. I think the LACH is where they tell you dialysis is permanent.

Bless the surgeon's heart I know how medical staff are required to be positive and hopeful, and can't tell you the truth. The surgeon looked right at him and said, "You have the look of someone who's kidneys have died. You have that ashen look."

Finality. Past tense. Kidneys are dead. Dialysis is permanent. I can start to wrap my head around this. While the nephrologist comes in and still says, "well, we'll see what the creatinine levels are tomorrow, but it will probably be a dialysis day". I can start to know that it will now be every other day. I think the LACH is where they tell you that it's permanent. Where they say the words "End Stage Renal Disease", Where you get counseling. Where you make life altering decisions.

But he just has to get well before he goes there.

They clamped off the NG tube about 11 am and started with apple juice. Then beef broth. He has managed to keep them down all day long....but still absolutely no output. I will see how distended his stomach is in the morning. It's possible that after 12 days NPO that his body will simply absorb the first few sips. Only time will tell. He savored every sip. He was beyond adorable. I cannot wrap my head around the concept of not eating for 12 days. Can you? He is probably down about 30 pounds. If he can sit in the shower tomorrow, I will be thrilled. OK, I can't wrap my head around no shower in 12 days either!

My sis thought he was doing much better today. I am doing much worse tonight. I think "dispair" is the word that comes to mind. His speech is so slurred. He is definitely having problems with memory, time, events. And I know I am exhausted, running on fumes tonight.

On the bright side, my art pals filled my refrigerator today with quick easy grab-n-go type food. We are set for the next few days and can skip the grocery store. I love my friends - so amazing!

DW