emotions

He has a new meter that has a software package and cable to upload tests to his laptop, drop them into a spreadsheet and allow him to email them to his doctor. He is testing 7 times a day.....at the specific time requested on the spreadsheet. That requires that he eat at specific times - which he is trying hard to do.

Why didn't he do this 25 years ago??? Why did it take a quintuple bypass surgery to get him here?

And that's sort of where I am today in my own emotions. A whole lot of whys. And while I know there are no answers for my "whys".....I still have to go through the process of asking them.

I didn't sleep at all last night and this morning, it's already 8:30 am, and I don't wnat to get up. I don't want to move forward. I don't want the days to progress. I made a "to do" list for exactly this moment and I don't even want to look at it.

He had a rough evening yesterday. I laid next to him, holding him, saying all the right words to comfort him. And it seems to have worked because before we went to sleep he said thanks and told me that it had helped.

But while I was saying all the right words to him, my own brain was asking all the questions.

It is completely impossible to be angry with him at the moment. Yet I am. Or perhaps the anger has dissolved to a sense of fate - that this is out of my hands - but why didn't he do the right thing 25 years ago?

I have always said that I would not drive him to dialysis....but is this different? I am driving him to all of his appointments.

And then the "what ifs". What if they can't find enough healthy veins to do all the bypasses he needs? What if they can't get his heart to fire back up when they ae done? The list is endless I know they are all typical questions that every other spouse has asked and I know there are no answers because we simply can't predict the future.

And then my biggest question. How can I help you so that your spouse doesn't lead you down this path? And I still don't know the answer to that one. Because if they are like my husband.....they won't make any changes. I even doubt if this had been someone else's blog and I had read it to him if he would have made any changes. Again, I think he has been in denial over so much of his diabetes for so many years.....and now he is getting his eyes opened overnight.

Is he afraid of death? I think his fear of pain that they cannot relieve is his greatest fear. I've tried to reassure him that medicine has come along way and that all he has to do is tell them that he still has pain and they will give him something for it. If he can calm that single fear, then I think he will do a whole lot better.

So what next? I am going to force myself to get up, shower, get dressed, and then put one foot in front of the other and walk my way through the day.

But I'd sure just rather stay in bed.

DW