Friday, September 03, 2010

Today, I'm scared

We all have our moments. They come and they go. Today - I'm scared.

He is depressed. I know this is common for post open heart surgery. I know he needs counseling. He won't go. I can't help him.

He said all he wants to do for the next 5 days is sleep.

Part of this has to be because he is back eating all the crap he wants. Not exercising. Loading up on sweets.

With increased medical bills due to the surgery, back, all the specialists, office visits and prescriptions.....we have had to cut way back in other areas and this is contributing to his depression.

He is gaining weight and quite puffy looking. His eyes look especially swollen to me. I am noticing that sweet uric smell in our bedroom once again. He says he doesn't smell it, but I sure do. There was a TV series out here while back with a grim reeper.....and I feel like this smell is his grim reeper. It's almost a warning that kidney failure is around the corner once again.

It is so sad to see him in such a state. But I know I can't do anything except be here for him. I am doing my best to keep busy and active, fill my day with projects and outings. But in the background - he is overshadowing everything.

He went to bed at 1 pm, it's now 3 pm. He was supposed to be off work today, but got called into major meetings starting at 6 am this morning.

I'm scared that the infection in the venous ulcer in his ankle is spreading.

I'm scared that he is reverting back to kidney failure.

I'm scared that something else is going on with his heart and he is not getting sufficient oxygen to the brain. (He's acting much like he did before he had bypass surgery).

I'm just scared.

And I realize that it's ok to be scared. As long as I don't allow the fear to consume me. As long as I don't allow the emotions to overcome me to the point that I can't function. Or to stop living my own life.

Too hot to do yardwork, so I'm going to read a good book this afternoon. Have already had a visit from an art pal today and went to a warehouse sale.

But in between all that....I just wanted to note that I'm scared. And that I don't think he's doing well at all.



Mary said...

I got scared this morning. DH is a Type 2 and he tested high this morning. He ate his usual breakfast of sugary cereal even though I offered to cook eggs for him. He was trying to type on the computer keyboard and I watched him trying to distinguish the numbers from the letters. He would type something and then realize that is wasn't right and then try again. All the time he was doing this he was asking me the same question over and over (What is his email address? What is his password? Lucky for him that I have a good memory). I told him that he was not acting right. I asked him if he was feeling okay and if he was having a problem with confusion. His response was silence. He would not or could not articulate what he was going through. I asked him if he wanted to go to the ER. No response. He just kept on trying to figure out his keyboard typing. He is very computer literate and never had any problems until today. I helped him get into his email account so he could read his messages.

Lynn Barry said...

I am scared for you. It sounds like he is giving up and just doing whatever he wants to do, barring consequences...don't his doctors give him hope? Just wondering. Is the work too much? too much stress to work and take care of himself...just a there a way he can get disability? just another thought...what about depression meds...if he isn't on them would he consider it? these are just thoughts that have popped into my head as I feel concerned for my cyber sister...I am scared for you two. HUGS and LOVE.