Wednesday, July 12, 2006

A network of friends...a life line

There are moments when I think life cannot get any worse...and then it does! My husband's 32 year old daughter quit her $50K a year job because she didn't like her boss. Geez! And tonight he announced that she was moving in with us the end of the month.

At first I thought I would scream. I quietly got up and took a walk around the lake, calling my sister, and then my 2 best friends. Just talking and listening. Wondering what I would do. Absolutely certain that if I told him she couldn't move in, he would go ballistic on me.

Background. She lived with us a few years ago and life was horrible then. She is a primadonna spoiled drama queen, to say the least. I do like her as a person, but I do not like her living habits. You know, wet laundry in the washing machine for 4 days, dirty laundry all over the guest bathroom floor....blobs of hair color on the carpet that we still have not replaced.

So I walked and talked to my friends for an hour. Talked out all the options. Came back to the house and asked him if we could talk. Completely and totally ready for him to blow up and start screaming at me again.

But he didn't. He actually turned off the TV and sat and listened to me. And I do think I was more desparately open than I have ever been with him. After I got out everything, he said, "well, let's call her and have her come over and we will sit down and tell her all this".

WOW!

My conditions will be that she move into the basement for a maximum of 90 days and that she must work 40 hours a week looking for a job and that on weekends and evenings, she helps cook, clean, and do yardwork. She will not be a guest, she will be an adult member of this household and pull her own weight around here. I just can't imagine that she will agree to any of this and think she will come up with an alternative living arrangement. Which is fine.

He also agreed to go to marriage counseling. I'm calling first thing tomorrow to set up an appointment! I'm going to start with the diabetes nutritionist that I've been seeing.

I am so grateful for my friends, that they listen to me and that even though they do not live with diabetes or fully understand it, they are here for me at all times!!!

If you live with a diabetic....find yourself a lifeline...build a network of friends. And then call them when you need them!

3 comments:

Judy said...

I am the wife of a type 1 diabetic also. He takes better care of everyone around him than he does himself and that is very frustrating. Not taking care of himself is actually not taking care of his famliy - long term.

A network of friends is really tough. Nobody understands what we go through unless they've been there. And I hate to burden them with my problems. I'm looking for a support group of diabetic spouses in my area, but there are none. Any ideas how I can start one?

AnnaQ said...

I found your blog thanks to AmyT. I'm also the wife of a type 1 diabetic and also started a blog out of pure frustration, anger, and fear. I'm glad to see that you've found blogging useful. I really feel for your pain, and admire your courage and strength.

I know this would be probably very difficult, but it could be useful to show your husband this blog (when he's not low or high, of course -haha). I found that I could write down feelings that I wasn't able to verbally communicate with my husband. And frankly, I only showed him my blog when I had to due to some circumstances. But he said he really liked it, and it may just be my imagination, but things seem better since.

Judy, some suggestions for starting a support group:
- Meetup
- Getting the word out at your local diabetic education center
- Craig's List

Anonymous said...

Now I know how Type 1 diabetics get bad names for themselves. This opened my eyes!

Sounds like the endocrinologist should be the second doctor on the treatment list. The first doctor should be treating the husband's depression. The signs of depression really come out -- for example, the husband not doing anything for his health, or for maintaining the house. He'll probably even deny it at first. Wouldn't you be depressed with 30% of a kidney?

He needs to get out of the depression. A psychiatrist -- not a psychologist -- should be consulted. Diabetes and depression go hand-in-hand. The problem is that older generations have negative views of mental disorders, but it is not a mental disorder -- it is a brain chemical balance problem, which is biological. Just like ED can be embarassing to talk about, so can depression. But now that it's making your marriage unhappy, it's time to do something about it.