Friday, July 14, 2006

Friday nite.

Well, we used to do that. Not much anymore. But we should! Here we are sitting in the living searching family trees online and him...sitting in his recliner, watching TV. The story of my life!

He is not type1, but type2 who is now taking 2 shots per day. He developed type 2 over 30 years ago. And he is STILL in denial.

From the comments made on my last blog. Yes, we do need marital counseling. But you see, the problem with a diabetic who is in denial over their also in denial over any type of marital problems.

Unfortunately for my husband, he has had some very bad doctors....and probably currently as well. They tell him things like....

1. You can eat anything you like, the meds will control your insulin.
2. As long as your A1c is within a normal range, you are doing great.
3. As long as your A1c is within a normal range, you are not having any problems.
4. There is no daily fluxuations in your sugar levels
5. Your sugar goes up after you wake up....even after you take your morning shot
6. Your anger is not related to your diabetes
7. You just have gnarly feet...due to your Scottish ancestry

and on and on the list goes.

Of course, he thinks his doctors are gods because they tell him what he wants to hear.

He seriously does not believe that there is anything wrong with him, with our marriage...and that if there is, it has nothing to do with his diabetes.

And he will deny to his death that he is depressed.

So, short of tying him up and dragging (kidnapping) this 6', 250 pound man....not sure I can get him to thearpy. But he did agree to go and I have put the call in, so I will push like I've never pushed for anything in my life!

About his daughter. She was supposed to come over tonight for dinner. I wrote out 3 pages of terms and conditions for her to agree to in order to stay here for the next 90 days. She called at 4:45 pm and said she had a job interview tonight. I almost had to burst out laughing. I have been a manager for a number of years and I cannot imagine anyone conducting an interview at 4:45 pm on Friday night! Well...unless the "job" is for something other than what I'd want to do for a living! LOL! I'm positive she has a date tonight. NOT a job interview! But what do you do? Tell this over 30 year old woman that she HAS to come discuss her request to move in? She said she would try to make it over here on Sunday. That's fine. I plan to hand the letter to my husband and have him read it before she arrives. I have more than enough on my hands without adding his unemployed daughter to the mix!

Finding friends. Well, I sort of have the opinion that we all have our own issues. Mine are my husband's diabetes. But another woman might have a serious weight problem. Another woman might have a child who is difficult or causing problesm. Another might have a spouse who beats her or verbally abuses her. I guess I don't think that the other person has to have lived with a diabetic to really understand what I'm going through. I do believe that you can transfer issues and become great friends and support each other through your troubles. The friends that I called in my last blog live several states away from me. Do I believe that you can form friendships even over the internet, call each other on the phone, and be there to support each other.

The other half of that is just explaining what you are going through. My sisters have never understood my problems with diabetes....until I sat down and literally walked them through a day in my life. OK, so I picked a really bad day. But after doing that a few times, they started to understand. After calling them and telling them that once again, he blew up and told me to get out....they actually started creating rooms in their case I really do need to leave. One of my sisters has actually told me that I should leave him...but I am not ready to do that.

I love him with all my heart. When he is normal. We have the best time together. And we are happy.

I do not like who he becomes when his sugar is out of whack. But I think I am starting to learn to recognize the difference between the 2 men. I hope I am. I do not like him at all at that time. But as long as I can recognize the "other" him....and realize it is not who he really is....I hope and pray I can handle all of this.

Should I let him read my blog? Not yet. Maybe never. I need a place that is "safe" where I can totally dump and get this all off my chest. Some of what I write would hurt him terribly. He is such a sensitive man at times. Yes, he may "need" to read this, but I "need" to know that it is just for me....even more right now. I hope that makes sense.

We used to get all gussied up on Friday night and go out to dinner. Sometimes we would go to the theater or to a dinner theater, take in a local play. It was so much fun. But now he just hurts too much. I asked him if he wanted to at least go to a movie tonight after his daughter called and said she wasn't coming over. He said no. He just wants to sit here.

Which leads me to my next question. We are both over 50. I consider myself to be right in the middle of my life. I plan to live at least another good 50 years. I certainly do not want to "sit here" for the next 50 years!!! And I'm starting to wonder if he can do much else other than just "sit here" until he dies. When do you make the decision to leave your spouse's side and let him just "sit here" and go off and do the things that you want to do, but do them alone? I know that I understand that he is dieing and I am not....but I do love him and would love to do things with him, but he does not feel like doing anything....or he is in too much pain...or too tired....there is always an excuse. I know that I can get up and go to the movie alone...but that is not why I am married! I am in this relationship to have a partner, someone to go places with, someone to share life with.

And perhaps I'm just rambling in a circle of thoughts tonight....but by putting them down on "paper" via this blog, perhaps some sense will come of this.

Thank you for your comments. It really is nice to know that I am not alone in this world of diabetes. I have done so much research and looked for support for spouses....there really isn't much out there. I did read that the divorce rate for this disease is 67% and to be quite honest...I was suprised it was that low!!!

In my next blog, I want to talk about the lack of communication from diabetics. Does it exist?


Anonymous said...

My advice? Get counseling with or without him. The blog may not be enough of an outlet and you might benefit from some professional, impartial advice. There are counselors out there that understand what the diabetic life is all about - you can probably get a name from a local endo office. (Children's Hospitals are great for referrals, they don't have to know you are dealing with an adult.)We were referred to a counselor to help us with our son (T1) and the counselor dealt almost exclusively with families with diabetic members.

You probably shouldn't sit home if it breeds anger and resentment. Maybe you can find a book club or something that brings you closer to others in a social event? Barnes and Noble has a book club they run if you need help finding a club....

If your husband had poorly managed or treated cancer that was slowly killing him you would have the same issues....

I hope you find support soon. This doesn't sound like a good situation for either of you.

Best of luck to you!

Claire said...

Sorry for lurking, I've been reading through your blog...anyway, one thing you said struck me: it *is* the case that blood sugar can rise in the morning even after taking medication. It's known as the Dawn Phenomenon, and Type 1s everywhere are very familiar with it. It has something to do with the liver overacting in the morning, or something, but it's common.