Thursday, March 30, 2006

How do you quit reacting...

to what he says, to what he does? When do you learn to recognize that it's not "him", it's what the disease is doing to him? Tonight he asked me if there was something wrong and I said, "I'm just tired from cleaning". He said, "well, then, don't clean". I said, "I have too, I really don't want to live in a pig stye".

And that completely set him off! He took it to mean that he was creating a pigstye for me to live in. Now, any sane woman knows that if you don't clean your house, it doesn't take much for it to get filthy....and it doesn't mean that anyone else is forcing it to be dirty, it just happens.

So, he commenced to yell and scream at me and told me to get out of the house if it was such a horrible, filthy place to live!

I probably should have started to laugh, but then I think he might have killed me. So instead, I sat there and cried. Some of his comments were just like a 10 year old who doesn't get his way. I should have known his blood sugar was dropping. And I think maybe I did, but I didn't want to say anything because it would just make him angrier.

Is it possible that when the sugar starts to drop, that if the diabetic allows himself to get angry, the adreneline pumps up and insulin is created so the blood sugar rises again? Is anger at low sugar the body's natural way of creating more sugar?

It's like when we get scared, or physically hurt...there is a rush that comes over us and we have a sudden burst of energy. Is the same thing going on with him and that his why he gets so off-the-charts pissed off?

He said to me tonight that I am a changed person. That I am never happy. I wonder if he is stating to me what he feels in himself? Because I don't think I have changed a bit and I really think that when I'm not around him in his dark mood, I'm pretty happy. At least I feel like I am! So I'm sitting here tonight wondering why he thinks I've changed and when/why did I change? I tried to explain to him that I am just being exceptionally quiet around him because I don't want to do or say anything that might upset him.

He did tell me that he wants me to tell him to take his blood sugar when he gets so angry with me. I just sat there and bawled. He asked what was wrong? I said, well, if you had any idea how many times I have asked you to go take your blood sugar and you absolutely refuse to do so....and then you don't even remember that I asked you to take it. But every time I ask, you get so mad at me and tell me it's just normal and you refuse to take it.

So I guess that's my quandry. I know when he is normal, he has a good heart and he wants to do the right thing. But when it's not normal, he just gets so mad, and refused to do anything I suggest, no matter how I suggest it.

This is going to be a long, slow process. He has said so many things to me that just cut me to the quick. Four times in the past 4 weeks, he has told me to leave. Each time I know it's not "him", but each time, I think he takes away a little something from who I am, from how I love him. I even wonder if he is trying to force me to leave him so then he won't have to face the day-to-day dealings of this disease. If I'm not here, who will care if he can't wear shoes???

Diabetes is just a horrible awful disease. I cannot imagine the pain he must be in. I can't begin to fathom the highs and lows and the impact it has on his ability to function. And the mere thought that his kidney function is down to somewhere between 30 & I understand his denial, I understand his grief....I am sharing it with him. But we are sharing all this in separate worlds at the moment. I would like to bring our worlds back together again. I believe it can happen. I know it will take a long time.

Unfortunately, I do still love him to pieces. Even more unfortunate, he does not realize that.

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