Sunday, October 07, 2012

Hospice, so wonderful

They offer support for an entire yer to the whole family.  My sisters and I will start a class this week.  Last week we went to a group session...just to hear what they had to say.  I think it will help.

Grief applies to spouses of diabetics as we lose the normal spouse we married and as we lose his ability to do things.  The loss of sexual relations due to ED.  The loss of having an able bodied spouse who can help.  The loss of money that goes to pay for medical expenses.  The loss of a job because you have to take care of someone else.  The loss of the marriage because you can no longer take all the highs and lows.  There are just so very many losses with this disease.

Last week they said don't do anything fast.  Don't make any quick decisions.  Don't get rid of the deceased's stuff.  I thought that was interesting.   We gave out all of moms belongings within a week.  She was staying with my sister who just wanted to get back some semblance of a normal life and she had given up her bedroom for mom to stay there.  I will never fault her for doing what she did with such great speed.

But hubby's dad is different.  He will need to hold on to MILs stuff, touch it, feel it, remember her through it.  Proof we each grieve in a different way.  And I think each of us spouses must surely grieve the loss of our healthy spouses in a different way.

I wonder what would happen if I went to a grief support group and said I was there to grieve the loss of my healthy husband.  Would they ask me to leave?  But that is exactly what I did for quite a long time.  And I go thru the whole grief process every time we have to give up something we enjoy doing because he has a new set of problems.

I hope that as I progress thru this series of classes that I can process the loss of my mom and his mom.  But I hope I can apply it to the loss of my healthy husband as well.  It's going to be interesting to say the least.

Tonight he is tired and wants to come home, but knows that he has to stay there until his sister in law arrives which will be a few more weeks.  He was listing all the things he missed here...but sort of changed his tune when on I said I missed him....I missed him mowing the yard, missed him picking up the mail, missed him doing this and that.  Maybe he's not missing it here nearly as much as he thought!  LOL!!!



Boop82 said...

I had never thought about the various forms of loss we have due to our diabetic spouse. It makes a lot if sense. There are a few things on that list that I'm feeling a sense of loss if and grief dies explain some of my emotions.

Sandy said...

I agree too. I go through grief everytime something happens that reminds me of what our life and marriage has become. It's hard, but I have hope that one day things will get better. Maybe the pain will turn to numbness. As long as the doctors say there is a slim chance, then I have to hang on to that hope. One day...

whimsy2 said...

I would hardly call him your healthy husband. He's alive, yes. But as a longtime reader of your blog, I can see that his quality of life -- and yours -- are surely affected.

Diabeteswife said...

Whimsy2, I meant that I grieve the loss of the time when he WAS healthy and there were so many things that we could do together. I know he's not very healthy not....but I can remember when he was and we could travel and go on cruises, play on the jet ski.....all gone now.

Sandy, thanks. I honestly had hope for about 10 years. Then he had a heart attack and that was a real eye opener for me. After open heart surgery, then spinal fusion surgery.....I think I finally admitted it won't get better. But then, he's a whole lot older than your hubby and part of that is just the aging process. Keep your hope - it's something to believe in!

Boop82, I've learned that just with the aging process in a normal healthy person, you grieve the loss of your physical ability to do some things, and your need for assistance to do other things. With a diabetic, I think those losses can come sooner and I have tried my best to learn how to process that loss.


Lilly said...

Grieving the loss of a healthy husband . . . wouldn't it be great if there were support groups for that? Oh wait a minute: I guess our blogs are the closest we will get to this!