Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Part A, the adult children......When the "hero" dies, what happens to those he is busy rescuing?

My poor husband wants to be the hero so bad! He wants to fix everything for everyone....except himself. And it is he who needs to be fixed the most.

Why is that? I've read all the Mars/Venus books and understand that men want to fix all the problems so they will go away. But why can't they fix their own (diabetes) problems. And why do they think they have to be the "hero" for everyone else? I think I'd best break this blog down into 3 parts.

A. The adult children
B. The aging parents
C. The wife, the sandwich and the spread!

So, this is part A. Let's discuss what's going on with his grown children...just this week alone!

1. His 31 year old daughter up and quit her $50K per year job and took a job at a cosmetic's counter. So she calls daddy and says that she needs to move in with us until she gets back on her feet. He makes the announcement to me and of course.....well, I won't continue that sentence! I ask if he is just "telling" me, or if we are going to discuss this. We have a disucssion and agree we need to sit down with her and let her know the rules of the house. That happened last night. It went well. She is only going to move in for one month and will reside in our unfinished basement. She has a list of rules (mostly relating to keeping the house clean, no guests and no smoking). Simple things in my book. Suddenly, I have been assigned the task of "enforcing" the rules as dad knows he won't tell her what's wrong. No problem! I will be happy to help her follow the rules...most of which is that she move out by August 31.

Question? Is he enabling her by allowing her to move in even for 30 days? She has to move a bed and a dresser to the basement as it is totally empty at the moment (nice basement, house is only 10 years old). She quit on her own accord without any preparation for her future, other than she knows she can fall back on daddy.

Question? Is this fair to our marriage to allow a 31 year old adult daughter to move in even for a month?

Does he think she will love him more if he does things like this for her? Does he think he will be her hero?

Does he think this will make him better? physically? improve his diabetes? his stress?

2. His 32 year old son who has a PHD (and should have some brains) confessed this week to having had an affair. We went to visit the son tonight. We sat outside their home for 30 minutes. The pregnant daughter-in-law and granddaughter were inside, upstairs. She did not want to see us. I don't blame her, I know she is mortified. She is a wonderful young woman and I am sure this has devastated her. I adore this young woman and have so much respect for her!! I asked my husband if I could slap his son up the side of his head, call him a schmuck and ram my knee into his balls. Husband said, "no, you cannot do that". I said, "well, at least you know what I would like to do to your son at the moment!"

In case you didn't read that right, I am so ANGRY with my husband's son. What a stupid idiot! WHAT was he thinking? And WHY is this young man acting so upset? He is the guilty party in all this. No one else. But if he can't hold his marriage together through all this, my poor husband will suffer as he adores his granddaughter and is so excited about the baby on it's way.

Son takes dad aside and asks dad to buy him an airline ticket to go see his mother (my husband's ex wife) who lives several hundred miles away.

WHAT???????? This grown man wants daddy to buy him a ticket to go see mommy because he was a bad boy and had an affair and wants mommy to give him a hug and tell him he is ok??? Has he lost all of his marbles? Does he not understand that his dad is DIVORCED from his mom???

Why doesn't he just talk to his dad? And WHY did dad (my husband) agree to buy the ticket? Because his son asked for his help and once again he is in the role of being a hero to the kid?

Why does my husband not "get" this? Why does he not see that his son is just using him? And why does he not see that he is literally rewarding his son for having had an affair by buying him a ticket to go visit his mom?

Does anyone else read this the way I read this? Totally disfunctional parent/child relationship going on here? Oh....wait for part 2 and 3...it just gets better!!!

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