Christmas with his grandkids

Today is our only holiday celebration. His kids and grandkids were here.  I had let him order all their gifts online - he used Amazon and they came already wrapped.

Well, there were mistakes. The oldest granddaughter got 2 Wappydogs, so the youngest grabbed one for herself.  The 2nd wappy was supposed to be something else, so basically, the oldest only got one gift, while the other 2 got several.

And you could see the disappointment in her eyes.

I pulled hubby aside and handed him a $50 giftcard that I was going to mail to my son and told him he had to give it to her.

He did....and she was thrilled!!!

But it hit me that I think the problems with cognitive skills may have started, so I need to start writing these down as well.  I checked his online orders and he had ordered 2 of the same thing and none of the order. Yet he has proclaimed over and over all afternoon that the toy store messed up.

We had gone to the grocery store this morning to pick up last minute things for lunch.  We were at the checkout and he was behind me and I said, "do you want to go ahead of me and give her your card?" meaning the discount card for that store.  He started digging in his pockets and asked me if I had my car keys.  I asked him why he needed my keys.  He said to go get the car.  So I realized he thought I had said "car" not "card".  So I said, "No, I didn't say car....do you want to give her your grocery card?"  and he just stood there and stared at me.  It did not register to him what I was saying at all.  So I said, "You know, for the discount on what we are buying today?"  and he still just stared at me.  I started to ask him for his wallet and he blinked and said, "Oh - my grocery card!!!"

Now, we have been doing this 2 - 3 times a week since his last surgery - it's become almost a daily thing this past month.  At first I thought it was just the hubub of so much going on, but now I'm starting to wonder.

I've read as much as I can find about neuropathy of the brain and what to expect.  This really is a new kind of stress.  And it seems to be the simplest things.  Trying not to have any frustration in my voice is so hard....but so far, I'm doing ok.

What I'm learning more and more is that this really is not easy. There is no text book to prepare you or even help you.  There are no guidelines.  No rules.  you just fumble your way through it the best you can....knowing that it is only going to get worse.
DW

He can't stop

Tonight he ate a 1 pound of box of specialty chocolates after lunch and dinner at restaurants.

All I can do is pray.

He is so on edge

and I'm pretty sure it's from the constant high sugars.  Everything upsets him.  Yesterday, I didn't say "good morning", but started out my day by letting him know I was running to the post office.  He came completely unglued because I didn't say "good morning" first thing.  Not his typical behavior at all.

Today, he wanted to follow me around the grocery store.  He has not done that in 3 years.  He always sits in the chair and waits for me to finish.  Today, he bought everything in sight.  Literally.  I finally had to ask him to go sit and wait for me....and then I started putting thing back on the shelves!!!

The past couple of weeks have been like this.  Everything seems to upset him.  News.  Weather.  He just gets mad at the drop of a pin.  I've been very quiet, not saying much of anything.

But on the opposite end of the spectrum, he's been putting in movies that I like.  He never does that.  He hates chick flicks...but he's been asking me what I want to watch (not typical behavior either.)

I'm just making my observations.  The other weird thing is his body heat.  He has been hot this winter. He keeps turning the thermostat down and I turn it up.  He sleeps in his shorts with no blankets while I'm bundled up in jammies and a heavy blanket.  Completely different from past winters.

I feel like there's a time bomb ticking in him and it's going to explode any minute....but then it doesn't.  It's just that "feeling" is there all the time - he's that much on edge.

DW

On her birthday - she writes to me - I hope we can help her.

From another wife:


I sit on the couch in the dark frustrated over the same life that you seem to describe in this blog. I have been a coach's wide for what will be twenty five years in July of 2012. My husband has been a diabetic since his early twenties and is now fifty. He almost died before my eyes twice since December of 2010. He had a stroke at 37 and miraculously had no deficits except numbness to slight numbness to left side. After his heart attack, he was put on ventilator and went to a rehab facility. I have had to stay in a icu waiting room praying he would live. He has been life back three times but still does not appreciate it as evidence of not adhering to a diet with blood sugars running over 600. He is on a large amount of insulin daily. Likewise, he has very bad mood swings. I have been told when I kindly commented to him to watch his carbs out if love and concern to only be told could he "just eat one time in peace". If I suggest or show concern then he just says he is tired and ready to go "home" which he means to heaven". He weighs 280 and is 5'9". His family history includes deceased parents, both of which died at age 59. His brother who I love like he was my brother has just been told has about five years to live because his heart is severely diseased. He will need a heart transplant. His son is nine and has been a juvenile diabetic since three. I get mad at him on the inside because I feel it it selfish of him not to want to manage his diabetes. Does he not love me? I am his primary caregiver. He is legally blind and requires assist with daily living activities. He walks very limited and has bad neuropathy in his lower extremities. I know this a long comment but I am lonely and depressed and today is my birthday. I wish I had more control of my life!!!!


You poor dear.  Happy birthday.  But how sad that you write to me on this day that should be all abou tyou!  All I can say is that you are not alone at all.  I have often asked myself if my husband loves me.  And I believe that he does.  Perhaps the issue is that he does not love himself?  I don't know.  Why does anyone who has a disease or medical condition of any kind decide to not take care of themselves?  Diabetes is a little harder because it is every day, all day long. It is controlling and limiting what you eat and when you eat, and dealing with so much loss of things you used to be able to do/eat.

I am so sorry that your husband is blind.  I know it is in the future for me and I don't know how I will be able to take care of him once he gets to that stage.  How do you do it?  Would you consider starting a blog to write about your experiences?  Tell us how he gets through a day, what you do and what you can't do to help him.  I'm sure there are plenty of blind people out there and their spouses probably write about it, but I think it's different when you know your husband brought this on himself because he didn't take care of his diabetes.  How do you not feel resentful towards him?

I do believe that you can get some element of control over your life.  While I struggled with that for such a long time....at the moment I at least feel I have a bit of control.  I set goals and work towards them.  This winter I am working on finishing painting the inside of the house.  I've recently taught myself how to make candles.  I schedule time with my friends at least once a week and leave the house.  I have 1 day of shopping a week.  I hardly ever buy a thing....but I will walk a mall, go to a thrift store, go to an antique shop, just get out and look at things.    And I blog.  Not just this blog about diabetes, I have one about my art, one about my religious beliefs, and I'm going to start one next year writing reviews of local restaurants.  No, I do not get paid for a thing that I write...I do it just for fun.  Oh, I also am very involved in a huge genealogy project.

So I think having something to do, having goals, being with friends - those are the main things I've done to get control of my life.

And yes, when he crashes, is sick, needs surgery, has a heart attack, has an optical migraine headache where he loses his vision.....I stop what I'm doing and turn into his caregiver.  And I do have to push and struggle to get him to take charge the rest of the time.  Leaving him alone to go spend a week at my mom's or my sister's has been wonderful.  It gets me away and forces him to take over.

So, can you get homecare to come in so you can get a break?  Does he have family that will come in and give you a bit of respite?  Can you get counseling?  Find someone who can help you find ways to get a break from him because you have to keep yourself well, both mentally and physically, in order to care for him.

DW

Finding balance

My sis surprised me with a visit this week.  I think she just sensed I needed her here.  It's been wonderful!  We've been shopping, creating a bit in the studio, watching movies and just enjoying life.  Such a great break!

Now, hubby is always on his best behavior when we have company.  But even my sis made a comment (and she never says a thing) about how snippy he has been this week.  So if she's noticing it, it's really bad. I explained to her that he has been eating like crazy and she said she had noticed that.  We had a lengthy conversation on "why does he do that?" with no answers, of course.  But it was nice to have her here to witness his behavior and attitude.

She went home this morning and I'm hoping for a quiet day.  Planning to spend some more time in the studio being creative.  I think when he had his first minor heart attack (next month will be 3 years ago) I backed off my art.  I had to in order to become a caregiver for him.  I realized this week how much I've missed it.  And I know I have been struggling between finding some balance between getting older and slower, caring for him, not stressing out over him, and having time to design and create.

Yesterday, one of my long distance art pals skyped me.  She made a comment about how long my hair had gotten and I realized just how long it had been since she had seen me.  We probably spent an hour showing each other creative things we were working on.  It felt good.  We used to skype for a whole day at a time, each of us in our studio, creating together long distance.  I realize that I need that.  So I'm going to try harder to find that "balance" that will allow me to do a few things I really want to do.

Perhaps being the wife of a non-compliant diabetic is more about finding balance than anything else.  Letting go of them, knowing they are not going to make the long haul if they don't change.....changing from whatever you were to a full time caregiver.....changing how you accomplish your own tasks as you age and your own body parts start to be less reliable.....but still resolving to be yourself, doing the things you love to do, having your own life.

Wishing you great "balance" this holiday season

DW

Tis the season

for diabetic insanity!!  I mean seriously.....get a grip on the sugar eating!  If you're going to carb-out....test!  I think a diabetic coma is just around the corner most moments!  This guy of mine is eating like he will die in the morning....and he just may well do that!

We stopped at our fav Japanese place today for a little dim sum.  Ok.....he gives new meaning to the word "little"  3 huge stemmed pork buns, 12 small (variety) fish dumplings, 2 egg rolls....and 5 hours later, he is eating again??? No, I'm not cooking for him - he's doing his own!   He is truly carb loading which would be appropriate if he were running a 10K tomorrow.  But he's not!

So here's the problem. He has severe diarrhea.  Liquid blowouts.  I know - it is gross.  But I'm trying to be honest about his symptoms and problems.  He used to wear pajama bottoms to bed and recently started wearing briefs at night. I thought it curious.  Then discovered he has been having accidents nightly.  So more for me to clean up in the laundry. I know he does not want to go back to depends.....but he may have to.

And why won't he go to the doctor and at least see if there's anything that can be done?  The smells are worse and worse. Glade works much better than Febreeze.  In case you need to know.

So with all the extra sugar and carbs....I think we're in for a true roller coaster ride this season.  I wish there was a button I could push to make it go away, but I sort of think it's just going to get worse.

I have declined every holiday invitation in an attempt to limit sugar.  We have nothing in this house.  And my next step is to be too tired to go out to eat.  Trust me, he will go without me!

Hope we all survive the next 2 weeks!

DW

Staycation

Hubby is officially on vacation.  But it's a working vacation.  Only difference is he shut off the alarm. But he forgot that the dogs still wake us up. LOL!!!

Things are going calmly for the moment.  I always tend to brace myself for a storm when it gets calm.  It's that roller coaster thing.  You never get used to it, but I am trying to prepare for it a little more these days.

He's still fixing himself an egg, bacon muffin every morning.  Triglycerides over 1800.  Yumm!!!  I have to laugh or I would cry.

A1c at 10.1 and he's still eating candy and cookies.  Probably more so than ever before.  Don't even know how high is carb count is every day.

But tis the season to be jolly, to eat way too much, and he has delved into it like there's no tomorrow.

I'm back to crafting and creating and losing myself to the artistic process.  Think I like it because I can forget everything else!  I have a board meeting tomorrow and a genealogy meeting on Sunday.  Meeting an art pal in the morning.  Going to be a fun weekend! Life is good at the moment!

DW

Holiday horror-days

ha ha!  My new title for the month of December!  Not just the sugar highs from eating too much sweet stuff, but the stress of families.  Totals up to horror-days!  LOL!!!

So, his kids and grandkids have all agreed to come here on the 24th.  That eliminates any possibility of him going to visit his parents until next year.  Kids and I have worked out everything and I think it will be great with limited stress.

But he says,"they won't stay more than half an hour"

I said, "no, they are coming for 4 hours.  Buffet style lunch, then open presents, then craft time with kids"

He says, "we'll see if they stay"

But he's right.  Usually the open gifts and leave.  So he has reason to say what he did.

Sad that I have to plan an actual agenda to keep them around.  But I am.

Now to find craft projects for the little ones.

We had a busy weekend with all this.  My youngest sister, her boyfriend and her best friend from 1000 miles away were all here.  I had such a good time. It's always good to reconnect with childhood friends.

And hubby is always on his best behavior when company is here.

Things are going well at the moment. Not withstanding that his glucose is still over 200 every time he tests.

I'm trying to just take it one day at a time....keep carbs in him to keep the lows away, and keepthe conversations pleasant.  It's a full time job!

DW

PS.  Thanks for your compliments about me starting this blog.  I don't think it was courage near as much as it was survival.  I know that writing down your thoughts and feelings is one of the best forms of therapy.  Meeting each of you is just the icing on the cake!

Another DW added a comment

Ro ro wrote:
Thank you for this blog. I just stumbled on it. A lot of people don't realize all the complications that come with diabetes. They just think it's a high low sugar thing and ur is sooooo much more. As the wife if a diabetic myself I totally understand what you are going through. Thank you so much for sharing, now I know that I am not alone. It can get lonely sometimes cause the diabetes affects their memory so constantly arguing or repeating the same things. Erratic sleep patterns and bathroom patterns, don't take his meds like he should(it's a fight), and it always seems like they don't care about their health or yours. it takes a toll on you being a caretaker. So sorry for going on. Just wanted to say thank you. Crying tears of relief cause I thought I was alone.

Know that you are not alone!  Just scroll down the right side of my blog to find other spouses of diabetics who are blogging as well.  I agree, it's nice to know we're not alone.

I was researching last night to find out if there are any professionals who understand any of this.  They just focus so hard on the diabetic....but not on the caregivers.  Truly sad.

My hubby was much better yesterday.  But today, he is back horribly depressed.  Yelling at me.  Upset with the world.  His brother called and told him they were at his parents, cleaning out, having a garage sale, trying to talk the parents into moving somewhere else.  So nice that he let us know ahead of time - they've been there a week.  Put my poor hubby in tears.  He's back to that "no one loves me" depressed state that he goes through so often.

I do feel sorry for him.  My heart just breaks.  But I think his brother's heart might be in the right place.  He's younger and he knows what my hubby has been through in the past 2 years and I think he's just trying to take care of things and not involve hubby.  And I truly love him and appreciate what he's doing.

But hubby sees it as being left out, not consulted, that his brother is trying to "take over".  Even though I told him I thought his brother was doing him a huge favor, he doesn't see it that way at all and now thinks I'm against him.  I just can't win!

So Roro, yes, it is so lonely at times.  It's so impossibly hard.  Today I think I just cannot live one more day with his depression.  But yesterday, he was his happy self.  I know there are no answers.  I know this hubby taking care of himself.  Yesterday, I caught him sneaking a half a raspberry cobbler!!!  Now, he knows better than that!  And there are those who would say that if I truly love him, I will not even allow anything sweet in the house.  But I have to ask why should I give up food that I like?

And now I'm right back to the professionals.  They all seem to say that the spouse should change her diet for him, support him, love him.  I do love him, I do support him, but I am not going to change who I am just because he has diabetes. And that's the part no one seems to really "get".

I think tonight I'm just in a mood!  LOL!!!  Brought on by his depression, I'm sure.  How on earth does a person keep their chin up when the other half of them is about 30 feet under?

DW

Impossible

He did not eat last night - nauseated.

He did not sleep, went from hot flashes to chills to sweats.

Today he has a migraine headache, a stiff neck, entire body pain,  is having chills at the moment and said the back of his head and neck feel like they are going to explode.

"you could be having an aneurism, or scar tissue in your back could have dislodged.  do you want to call your doctor?"

No, I just want to sit here - his reply

I said, "do you want me to call your doctor or sent him and email?"

No, just let me sit here.


Impossible.  He expects me to just let him sit there.

OK, I am going to just sit here with him.

For an hour.  If it's still this bad in an hour, I'll start to push.

On the other hand, should I push him to call the doctor?

Just a completely impossible situation.

Update on spinal stenosis surgery

Because Lilly was asking, I thought I'd post an update on hubby's surgery in February.

You know, I think the surgery really did help the pain he was having in his lower back.  It has taken forever for him to heal.  There are huge long scars running down the front and back center of his body.  But they are healing nicely, now that it's been 9 months.  The wound that is still healing is the one on his ankle where they took the vein out for his open heart surgery in March 2010!

When they fuse the vertebrae, there is limited or no movement in those areas.  So other joints have to work harder to compensate for what doesn't move.  We were told this.  It was all explained quite clearly by the surgeon and I was present at all of those meetings and remember the conversations.  Hubby doesn't remember them.

His lower back was fused, so of course, 4 months after the surgeries, his upper back started hurting.  As did both of his hips.  But now, one of his hips is so painful that he's back to not moving.  Which means he is putting on weight.  He's probably around 280 pounds at this point.  So this weight does not help with the joints hurting either, but because he hurts, he won't move....and he just eats and put on more weight.

Was it worth it?

Absolutely not.  But then he is "special" in that all of his internal organs shut down and he needed multiple dialysis treatments to get his kidneys to function again.

Does he think it was worth it?  He said that considering what he went through and his current level of pain - probably not. But we both agreed that when you are in the moment and desperate for pain relief, you do what you think is best not really thinking that there's going to be more/different pain down the line.  I hope we have both learned that lesson at this point.

If I were to compare him to a year ago, I'd say he's worse off.  He doesn't have the back pain, but he has worse hip and upper back pain (2 locations instead of 1).   He is no more mobile than he was a year ago, but this extra year of not moving has put more weight on his body.  His A1c is higher than it's ever been.  His determination to avoid doctors is greater.  And because he's still not mobile, his depression has increased.

Would he do it again?  At this point he is saying "no".  I asked him if he wanted to start the process of getting his hips replaced and he said no - and it was rather adamant!  LOL!!!   But I have to wonder as time goes on, will he change his mind?

Of course - neither of us are going to make a decision right now.  But the less he does or is able to do, the more it all falls on me and I'm afraid it's going to wear me out over time. There's only so much one can do - especially when they become a full time caregiver for another.

But now worries - I've slept good the last 2 nights and today I'm off to work in the garage - taking advantage of a warmer day weatherwise!!!

DW

It's a hard-knock life.....

Remember the song from Annie?  Think it's my theme today!  I'm looking for the sun to come out and trying to find the will to sing!

When he went in for open heart surgery last year, he gave me all the passwords to his accounts, so I can go in and look at his health insurance.  It's a pretty cool system.  The doctor's leave messages and the line is in bold until you open it. When opened, the bold goes away, so I can see when he reads notes from his doctors.  I never open them first.  But after those last labs, he got messages from his endo and his cardiologist.  He's read them - that's good.  He did not respond to them - that's bad.  The endo asked him to email in his glucose levels and again, I can see the notes he sends back to his doctors.

I also know that I cannot nag him to do anything.  He has made the choice to move forward ignoring his A1c as evidenced by the 2 pound bag of Reeses pieces that he has eaten this week, the pumpkin pie he bought at the store and has dived into, and the apple crisp he gobbled down last night.  He just has no intention whatsoever of getting his glucose under control.

Both emails - the doctors said they have been trying to reach him by phone with no response.  And I know there are many calls that come in where he doesn't answer his cell phone - but he makes me think it's someone at work that he just doesn't want to talk with at that moment.  HA!  It's a doctor that he doesn't want to talk with!!!

He bounces from being extremely quiet (depression) to being horribly angry (low sugar) to just sleeping non-stop.  My life just keeps moving forward.  This morning I was up sweeping and shampooing carpets.  Next I need to go do some work in the garage.  He's already upset that I'm making "noise" (he's in bed with noise-buster headsets on, his CPap running, and an eye mask on.  Not sure how he can hear anything!  LOL!!!  But I know, it's just his sugars out of whack.

And if they go low, imagine how high they must go to have an average of 243?  WOW!!!

Just another day in the life of a diabetic spouse (when the hubby is non-compliant)
DS

What is he thinking?

Today at lunch, he said that he is going to call his parents this evening and see if they will consider moving here.  What the heck???

They are 78 years old.  With more physical problems that I can begin to list.  His dad is a diabetic.  His mom is blind in one eye....and I KNOW they need help.  But he is not even able to take care of himself.....why does he want them to move here???

I know he feels guilty about not seeing them.  It's a 15 hour drive to their house.  Far away enough that this is a different climate and altitude from what they are used to.

They absolutely hate me beyond words....for a multitude of reasons.....the main one being that I won't move to where they live!

This may be a ploy to keep from selling this house and moving 3 hours from here to help take care of my mom.  If I tell him he can't move his parents here, then he can refuse to move closer to my mom.  So, I suggested that we buy a duplex close to my mom and move his parents into the other half.  Well....that would never work as it's too far from his grandkids.

The grandkids that he sees twice a year!

He is absolutely not thinking this one through.  I'm praying that his parents tell him they won't move.  If they agree, it will be the end of this marriage for sure.   I have visions of "Everybody Loves Raymond" if they agree to move!  LOLOL!!!

I suppose it could be a good thing.  If they agree to move here, then I will just up and move to where my mom lives using the same excuse....it's time I take care of her.  She's 3 years older than his parents and deserves our help much more than they do.  If he won't move all of us to her town....I see no reason to stay put.

But I'm sure he didn't hear any of that in our conversation today!  So all I can do is pray they tell him "no".

I even asked him what would happen if he took a turn for the worse and couldn't help them.  He said it would be no worse for them than where they are now.  Really?  They have lived in their home for over 40 years and he wants to uproot them, move them all this distance, and thinks it will be no worse for them???

Proof he's not really thinking about anyone except himself at this point.

DW - exhausted

He got his labs yesterday.....no surprise - A1c is 10.1

CK is 370
Cholesterol is 192
Triglycerides are 1438
HDL is 21
LDL is 171


But an A1c of 10.1???  I'm positive that's what's causing the horrid smells.  Ketoacidosis?  The beginnings of it?  I am just hoping that his primary doc will see these labs and call him in.  Or that the endo will see them.  I'm really thinking a psychiatrist needs to see them!  Why is he doing this to himself?  A death wish?  I know he is in denial....but how can you deny the numbers?

Well, I do know.  He has always said that "9.0 is high for me".  He doesn't ever look at what the "charts" say is high.....so he thinks and A1c of 7.0 is OK for him.  Well, at the moment, I'd be delighted with a 7.0.

No wonder he is so tired and sleeping so much - his poor body is trying to work around such high glucose.

And let's not even talk about insulin.  Remember, he's on the 5x concentrated dose and at the highest dose he's ever been on that.

I'm going to go into denial for today and go be creative.  I don't want to deal with anything.

DW

And still

He won't get labs

He won't call his doc

He still has diarrhea

He still has that rancid acidic smell

I'm going to visit my mom the rest of the week.

I am getting sick to my stomach from the smells

Glade can only cover so much

Dw

I'm so sleep deprived

Awake at 2 am this morning as he was up sick.

Awake at 3:30 am yesterday morning as he was up sick.

It's been a repeat every day this past week.

And he is refusing to go get labs done.  He won't call his doctor. He is sick to his stomach, diarrhea (and I'm so tired of cleaning toilets!) and nothing sounds good to eat.  Except potato chips.  :o)

Pretty certain the neuropathy has found it's way to his intestines.  But of course since he won't go to the doc, we don't know.

I really try to be supportive.  It's so hard.

I really try to show compassion.  But when he refuses to take care of himself and now he refuses to call the doctor, it's even harder.

And I know I'm just exhausted.  I try to catch little naps during the day when I can.  But it's not the same.    I sleep more on the sofa than I do in my bed.

And my own pain has returned.  I'm sure it's because I'm not getting enough sleep.  I am trying to stay as active as I can, but I hurt so bad.  Today I managed to prune the apple tree, cut numerous limbs off a peach tree and oak tree.  Cut back all the raspberries and cleaned out one flower bed.  But there is just so much more to do and I have to wonder how much longer I'll be able to do all this.

I find myself praying for a good night's sleep and no pain.  It's what I need more than anything.

DW

Comment on comments

Thought I should let my readers know that if you post a comment that contains a link to any kind of product, research group - anything wanting money, I will not approve the comment.   I'm sorry, but this is not about money and I don't feel right about assisting you in making money.

To the last comment - why would you even think my husband would get his hip replaced?  Obviously you have not read much of this blog and do not comprehend that he has decided against any future operations for any reason.  We will call hospice instead.  His choice.  But after what he went through in February, I do not blame him whatsoever.

I'm actually starting to wonder if his current intestinal problem is related to the surgery.  They did take his stomach, liver, intestines completely out of his body, then put them back in.  He had an ileus that did not want to heal.  I'm wondering if all those complications have lead him to where he is today.  He had a bowl of vegetable soup and passed gas all night long.  Non-stop.  It was so bad that I was sick to my stomach this morning from the smells.

He has given up all milk products because of this.  Then he gave up bread.  Soup should not cause this.  Bread should not cause this.  I asked him this morning to call his doctor because I know this is not normal and it's been going on for at least 3 months.  He did not call.  Tonight he had a steak and if he is awake all night again, I'm going to really push for a doctor's visit.

I also wonder if it could be neuropathy in his intestines.  His glucose is still running in the upper 200s.

It's interesting to keep a diary like this on the decline of body functions due to uncontrolled diabetes.  I wonder if anyone else has ever done this for their spouse.  It's not easy.  Sometimes I get so used to what' s going on that I don't think it's worth noting.  Other days there's so much going on I don't have the energy to write it down.  I apologize for the grossness of some of what I write, but it is reality.

We are now to the point where finding something that he thinks he can eat is getting rather difficult.  He has quit bread, dairy, most tomato based foods and a few other things that he thinks has made him have gas.  But he still eats sweets and potato chips by the bag.  Go figure.

DW

How much stress can one take?

I often wonder. My hubby has had such a stressful week at work.  In a nutshell, it started last Saturday night when one of his employee's spouses called here at home.   I can't go into details, but in the 12 years I have been with this man, I can honestly say he has been more meetings, dealt with more divisions, talked more on the phone that I have ever seen him do in a week.  I literally thought on one morning that I'd find him dead from stress.....and he is dealing with it all fairly well - it's just the volume that I'm concerned with.

Needless to say it's been a difficult week and I've been walking on pins and needles all week long, trying not to do or say anything that might add to his level of stress.  But I also think this is what brought on the last blow-out, his stress.  So we did sit down and talk about that and it's been a much calmer week.

I worry that his adrenaline levels have been sky high all week long.  I don't believe he has tested his glucose at all.  He ate a huge pan of cinnamon rolls that he picked up at the grocery - one of those 9x13 aluminum trays.  Last night he ordered bread pudding at the restaurant after eating a huge platter of ribs, pulled pork, potatoes and cole slaw.  I know he is stress eating.

So I have to wonder how much one person can take?  I wish I could make it go away, but I can't.  I'm praying that the worst of it is over, but I don't think it is.  I think this is the week of the "car wreck" and next week will be like day 2 - when the pain really hits you.

I've managed to paint a couple more walls this week, so making good progress on getting this house painted.  More therapy in a paint brush than I ever knew!  Plus I made huge strides in a genealogy project and managed to fire a perfect kiln load of glass pendants.  Here's hoping next week is a good one!

Another blowout day

I'm getting numb to these rages.  So I think that's an improvement.  Today, he exploded over the dogs.  Stupid stuff.  I assume he was low, but who knows - he's back to not testing.  It's been awhile since he's gotten this upset over nothing at all, but I need to post so that I have a record.  He truly needs to go to the doctor as the diarrhea has been non stop for nearly a month now, maybe longer.  Last night he was feeling sick to his stomach.  Could be symptoms that his kidney function is declining again.

Tomorrow I will get back to painting the inside of the house after about 2 months of distractions.  I love how clean it looks when there's a fresh coat of paint on the walls.  Plus, it takes my mind off everything else.

DW

Can you "catch" depression?

"Waiting for life" wrote:


I knew I could not be alone with this..although the last post was over a year ago. My husband was diagnosed type 2 12 years ago. Probably had it for 18 months undiagnosed based on the jerk he all of a sudden turned into. I had about three years of normality before that. i cannot now remember how I felt for that person,he rarely shows up that way. We are finally living somewhere where the drs are better; but it seems too little,too late. i did not put my foot down 10 years ago(well, i tried,, but he knows it all..stop nagging,yada yada). Now his neuropathy has him in total pain, just been diagnosed with sleep apnea, and we are trying to figure out how to pay for the omnipod(he is unwilling to mess with tubing). He has a sixth nerve palsy(stroke of the eye) that will supposedly cure itself 3 mmonths-1 year. I think the worst part is the depression that he refuses he has. It is catching..I left one time to try to save myself, but only moved a few miles away and got sucked back in when the economy tanked. Had devoted myself to taking care of him and found myself unmarketable. Am thankful every day that we were somehow unable to have children-would hate to have them subjected to this. I stay for my dogs and because the whole situation has isolated me so much that i would have no support system to try it on my own. lately he has threatened to drive his car off a cliff and make it look like an accident; i say nothing. I do not see the dr myself(except gyn). It is all about his health;quite frankly I am scared, cause they always find something wrong. People that do not know a diabetic are useless to talk to about it. They ask questions like how is he feeling? how do i answer that? Noone asks how am I feeling? I am just trying to hold on to myself so there will be some me left to go on after. My worst fear is that he will continue to live forever and I will be taking care of a blind amputee with alzheimers ( and of course, diabetes)

WOW! I had never stopped to ask the question....can I "catch" depression from him?  But you know what, I think you can - to and extent.  I think the nature of living with another person who is always in a depression can bring you down.  I have learned how to fight it and refuse to allow myself to sink into that hole with him.....but I didn't always do that.  I would find myself being so "sad" when he was "sad".  I turned quiet when he got quiet.....I think it's the nature of being married - you do things together.

When he was diagnosed with depression, I realized what had been happening to me and snapped out of it.  How?  I found something else to do with my life to keep me busy, I set goals for myself, and I started working at helping other people outside of our family circle.  It worked!

Over the years, I have turned to art, genealogy, history....groups that involve these topics.  Once you join and become active in a group (serve as an officer or volunteer on a committee) you meet other people who have a similar interest.....and these groups are completely outside the world of diabetes.  It's been refreshing and inspiring!

Yesterday, I spent the entire day visiting with an 81 year old woman, helping her seek down her family tree.  She was thrilled with what we found and we set up another date for next week to do some more research.

I've also started a huge genealogy project that may well lead to writing a book about the project.  I find that the more I delve into something like this the less his diabetes interferes with my life.

BUT....on the other hand......this ongoing problem he is having with his digestive system is keeping me up at night.  Seems like no matter what he eats, he has explosive diarrhea all the time.  And the smell is horrible.  I no longer invite anyone to come here. I go "there" wherever it is.  I haven't slept all night since I got home because of the sounds and smells.  I asked him last night if he would go to the doctor and he said, "I'm thinking about it."

Sigh.

Today, I am rewording our wills - it's been 10 years and it's time to just update them.   Reading though the medical power of attorney, I see that we need to make some changes and will get that done.  I'm hoping that each of you has an updated will in place including a DNR, medical power of attorney, financial power of attorney - everything in place in case it's needed.

DW