And yet, again.....

he walked outside this morning with no shirt on, wearing only the skimpiest of boxer type shorts - at least these were navy and could pass for swimming trunks - about 4 sizes too small.  Grossly obese stomach hanging over them so much.....I thought to myself - how can I love someone who looks like this?

And my sister was here, helping me in the garden.

I just wanted to die.

I didn't say a word to him, but I ranted to her for 3 hours!  LOL!  She is a great sounding board!  We drove around trying to find a house that she can buy.  She's in so much limbo - living in a tiny duplex here, her hubby 3 hours away working, helping care for mom - and today was a day "off" - although we spent 3 hours of it with mom.

Came home and hubby is out in the pergola with the incense going.  Now, you have to understand that I am highly allergic to incense - I tend to get sick to my stomach if it is too strong and I have asked him not to burn it.  I guess I did not clarify that meant "anywhere at all".  I asked him to put it out and he got mad.  I mean he got livid.  I'm not sure what he wants - me puking all over the place.  It's one of those things that I can smell a mile away.  And I was out working in the yard when he decided to come out and light up.

What is is about incense?  It really is the most horrible smell and he was trying to use it in the house to cover up dog pee.  So he has slammed his door shut and I'm sure he's burning it in his room.  I believe that he has no sense of smell anymore and certainly does not comprehend that when he opens the door, it fills this entire place - such a tiny little house.

I know that he is depressed.  Beyond belief depressed.  And every little tiny thing sets him into a rage.  I have not been available to give him any attention for the last 4 weeks and I can tell he is on the edge of a volcanic eruption at any moment.  It is tough living like this, that's for sure.

But what can you do?  He won't go see a doctor.  He denies he is depressed.  He is like a 3 year old who wants to do what they want when they want.  Throwing "temper tantrums" when he doesn't get his way.

He has a retirement settlement of about $40K that is coming.  I almost expect him to take it and leave.  If he does, I will not allow him to return and I will not continue to pay for his health insurance.  I'm not sure if he is capable of logic and reasoning at this point, but if he walks out that door, he will not be coming back.  If he thinks he can go have a good time with the money and come back when it's gone - ok, that's not going to happen.  :o)

Anyway, just another post to vent and log what is going on here at home.  So sad that he simply cannot find happiness in his retirement.  Just really sad.

DW

Can you "catch" depression?

"Waiting for life" wrote:


I knew I could not be alone with this..although the last post was over a year ago. My husband was diagnosed type 2 12 years ago. Probably had it for 18 months undiagnosed based on the jerk he all of a sudden turned into. I had about three years of normality before that. i cannot now remember how I felt for that person,he rarely shows up that way. We are finally living somewhere where the drs are better; but it seems too little,too late. i did not put my foot down 10 years ago(well, i tried,, but he knows it all..stop nagging,yada yada). Now his neuropathy has him in total pain, just been diagnosed with sleep apnea, and we are trying to figure out how to pay for the omnipod(he is unwilling to mess with tubing). He has a sixth nerve palsy(stroke of the eye) that will supposedly cure itself 3 mmonths-1 year. I think the worst part is the depression that he refuses he has. It is catching..I left one time to try to save myself, but only moved a few miles away and got sucked back in when the economy tanked. Had devoted myself to taking care of him and found myself unmarketable. Am thankful every day that we were somehow unable to have children-would hate to have them subjected to this. I stay for my dogs and because the whole situation has isolated me so much that i would have no support system to try it on my own. lately he has threatened to drive his car off a cliff and make it look like an accident; i say nothing. I do not see the dr myself(except gyn). It is all about his health;quite frankly I am scared, cause they always find something wrong. People that do not know a diabetic are useless to talk to about it. They ask questions like how is he feeling? how do i answer that? Noone asks how am I feeling? I am just trying to hold on to myself so there will be some me left to go on after. My worst fear is that he will continue to live forever and I will be taking care of a blind amputee with alzheimers ( and of course, diabetes)

WOW! I had never stopped to ask the question....can I "catch" depression from him?  But you know what, I think you can - to and extent.  I think the nature of living with another person who is always in a depression can bring you down.  I have learned how to fight it and refuse to allow myself to sink into that hole with him.....but I didn't always do that.  I would find myself being so "sad" when he was "sad".  I turned quiet when he got quiet.....I think it's the nature of being married - you do things together.

When he was diagnosed with depression, I realized what had been happening to me and snapped out of it.  How?  I found something else to do with my life to keep me busy, I set goals for myself, and I started working at helping other people outside of our family circle.  It worked!

Over the years, I have turned to art, genealogy, history....groups that involve these topics.  Once you join and become active in a group (serve as an officer or volunteer on a committee) you meet other people who have a similar interest.....and these groups are completely outside the world of diabetes.  It's been refreshing and inspiring!

Yesterday, I spent the entire day visiting with an 81 year old woman, helping her seek down her family tree.  She was thrilled with what we found and we set up another date for next week to do some more research.

I've also started a huge genealogy project that may well lead to writing a book about the project.  I find that the more I delve into something like this the less his diabetes interferes with my life.

BUT....on the other hand......this ongoing problem he is having with his digestive system is keeping me up at night.  Seems like no matter what he eats, he has explosive diarrhea all the time.  And the smell is horrible.  I no longer invite anyone to come here. I go "there" wherever it is.  I haven't slept all night since I got home because of the sounds and smells.  I asked him last night if he would go to the doctor and he said, "I'm thinking about it."

Sigh.

Today, I am rewording our wills - it's been 10 years and it's time to just update them.   Reading though the medical power of attorney, I see that we need to make some changes and will get that done.  I'm hoping that each of you has an updated will in place including a DNR, medical power of attorney, financial power of attorney - everything in place in case it's needed.

DW

How to get past depression

Hubby has been quite depressed this past week. I couldn't figure out if it was meds, the fact that he decided not to go "home" for the holidays, the holidays themselves, or what. So, this morning, I said to him, "get dressed, we are going to go play today!"

I thought for sure he would say no, but he got dressed and grudgingly went along with me. I had to take something back to a department store and while waiting at the checkout counter, he found holiday outfits for our 2 little chihuahuas. And I knew from the look in his eyes....we were on the right path!

We managed to get all of his holiday shopping done today (just in time that I can wrap them and send them out UPS), went to lunch at one of his favorite places and were home by 2 pm. I ran out and picked up a full body massage/heat mat and brought it home for him to lay on. By 6 pm, he decided he wanted to go out to dinner and I agreed. It was a place I have refused to go to for a whole year, but I decided to give in tonight! While there, I asked if he was feeling better and he said that he felt great. He thanked me over and over for making him go out today. And although he hurt like heck, he said it was a great day! He just seems really happy tonight.

So I think he is past his depression, and he has his holiday shopping all done. Yeah! I think he is finally in the holiday spirit and I hope he keeps it for the next couple of weeks!