A1c at 8.3

proof he's not keeping it under control at all.  Can hardly wait to see what the other labs show, but probably won't have the results til Tuesday due to the weekend.

I had a wonderful staycation at my sister's place.  So rested.  Came back Friday.  He fell Thursday evening going down the stairs and didn't tell me until I got home.  Hurt his back.  Taking dilaudid again.  Fine with me....I'm just going to "use" this as ammunition that we need to get to a one level as soon as we can.  :o)

So, his back is hurting him and everything for the weekend got cancelled.  Not going to slow me down.  I'm back from my morning errands and I'm off to the movies next.  Taking care of my stress the best I can.

DW

The great experiment

I have been here at my sister's since Sunday.  My body is loving it.  No pain, no stiffness.

I moved heavy furniture today helping her.  I lifted, carried, restacked heavy books.  I worked hard for 3 hours. I could not have done this a week ago.

I am going home Friday.

If I get sick again, then I am going to turn around and come back here and if it goes away.....then I will know that is is the stress he is causing me.

My brother-in-law and I talked about that tonight.  He started pointing out to me all the stressful things my husband says and does.  Things I hadn't paid an ounce of attention to.

Others are seeing what I'm blind to. It helps to know.

This is my "great experiment"  We won't know the results for a few weeks....but I have to say, it is wonderful to be able to move again.

DW

What is up with the potato chips?????

Is this EVERY diabetics food drug of choice?  I was reading other posts/comments and it hit me....it is my husband's drug.  He will sit and eat an entire LARGE bag at one time.

OK, if I ate a whole bag of potato chips - I would be vomiting!  We never have less than 3 or 4 bags in the pantry and I can't begin to tell you when the last time is that I had any.  If I do the shopping, I get pringles low fat.  He hates those!  So he will actually go to the store to buy chips and tell me I forgot to get them!  LOL!!!

It does not pay for me to shop "healthy".  If I buy fat free cream cheese, or low fat cheese, or skim milk....he will just go get what he wants.  I sometimes wish we lived an hour from a grocery, but I doubt that would change a thing.

Eating out is his all time fav thing to do.  I've written before about how he can't decide until the last minute what he wants for dinner.....and it doesn't matter how full the fridge is....it's something that we don't have.

But potato chips.  That's a quandry for me.  Carbs.  Boost in glucose?  Salt?  Oh, he always wants the same kind, too.  Lays.  unflavored.  And he will just sit there and eat the entire bag.

Down to the crumbs.

Then he will fold the bag over the top and put it back up in the pantry.  Yes....even when there are only crumbs left.  One time, I conducted an experiment.  I didn't empty the bags out of the pantry and he just kept buying more.  We had 20 bags up there with only crumbs in them.  Men - idiots!  LOL!!!

So my pain has been much better today.  Now that I now this is coming from stress, I can tackle it head on.  Every morning I get up and turn my day over to God.  This morning I asked God to just take everything that was on my mind and hold it for me.  Maybe it will work. I had a good day.  I made cocktails of Aleve and tylenol.  Have one more that I can take.  Seem to help.  That and the heating pad. Oh, I have a heat massager - one of those thumper kinds - and I spent half an hour running it over muscles today. We'll see if that helps.  But I could get my legs in and out of the car and hadn't been able to do that in a couple of weeks.

I did tell him that he has to start doing more around here.....that we have to take some of the stress away from me.  So he went outside this morning and uncovered the awnings and got the sunbrella up.  Then he helped me get the pads on the chairs.  First time in 4 years that he's helped me get the back deck ready for summer.  And I was able to spray all the flower beds for weeds.  It's been a good day.  Yeah!!!

7:00 pm though and he's been in bed for half an hour.  I literally couldn't lay in bed that long - from 6:30 pm to 7 am???  Not me!

I'm thinking of going to my sister's tomorrow instead of Monday.  Get a head start on my time away.  I think I need it!  But before I leave, I'm going to tell him that I do not want to come home to a dirty house, dog-peed on carpets, etc.  He's going to have to take care of the place this week.  :o)

DW

Too much stress - what it can do to your body

Just something to think about.

Diseases caused by stress:
Skin disorders
Obesity
Asthma triggers
Autoimmune Diseases
Hypertension and heart disease
Migraines and headaches

Constant stress can cause serious immune system dysfunction.

Home, children, overtime at work, finances, volunteering, husbands.

Death of a loved one, divorce,substance abuse, miserable jobs.

All promote the release of cortisol (our stress hormone)  which can cause destructive immune factors to be released.

Abnormal levels of these cortisols are associated with autoimmune conditions, inflammatory diseases and allergic conditions.

When cortisol counts go up, DHEA counts go down. DHEA is the immune and anti-aging hormone which helps repair and maintain tissues, reduce atherosclerosis, increase insulin production and balance, control allergic reactions, and balance the immune system.

Low levels of DHEA cause sexual dysfunction, muscular shrinkage, memory loss, degenerative disease and poor immune function.

Life with a non-complaint diabetic is 24/7 stress.

So how do we go about reducing stress?

1.  touch therapies and reflexology....relax the muscles, relaxes the circulatory system, sooths the nervous system.

2.  slow down.  take care of yourself.  eat healthy food.  take a daily multivitamin that includes high levels of B complex.

3.  learn relaxation techniques that suite your lifestyle and personality

4.  meditate (any activity that helps keep your attention calmly in the present moment)

5.  breathe.  Deep.  Slow. In. Out.

6.  self massage

7.  take a time out.  No wonder I love long hot baths.

8.  music. sing.  play the piano.  listen to soothing music.

9.  positive thinking.  30 seconds is enough to shift your heart's rhythm from stressed to relaxed

10.  love.  Love your pet.  Love your child. Love yourself.

So I have failed at this.  I have been under such intense stress for the last 3 years. First with his heart attack, then open heart surgery a year later, then the 2 spinal fusions surgeries a year after that (this past February)  21 days of him in the hospital with me fighting for his life, for his care, nearly 24 hours a day.  Then 3 months of intense home care.

And in that process, I did not take time to take care of me. Oh, I thought I was.  But I really wasn't.  My art wasn't enough.  My body started to attack itself.  I ignored every single symptom.  Until 2 weeks ago when I physically could not move.  I called my doctor and said I needed help.  Today, she did all kinds of xrays, lab work and she thinks that my immune system is attacking itself.  We are going to rule out as much as we can, but it seems apparent that my body has attacked my muscles, causing weakness and muscle pain.

We are starting physical therapy immediately and will be treating this with meds.  There is hope for a good prognosis, but if we don't "fix" me, I could well end up in a wheelchair - way too young!

All because I thought it was more important to take care of him than to listen to my own body.

Hrump!  I think things will be changing around here tomorrow! I have cleared my calendar for the next 10 days.  I am going to stay with one of my sister's next week and relax.  Completely and totally forget about everything and anything here.  Sort of a "cleansing" process so to speak.  I will be altering my diet, adding exercises and stretches, doing everything possible to nip this in the bud.

My body is screaming at me to slow down. I'm going to listen.

DW

Another wife blogging.....

Tired wife and mom

She's started her blog and telling her story.  Wow....we are growing!!!  I can't tell you how wonderful it is to NOT be so alone in all of this.  Finally.  Together, in unison, we might yet make a difference in how therapists think....and give a voice of reality to what happens when a diabetic doesn't take care of themselves.

So, I will call her TWM (tired wife/mom).  I completely understand.  You are actually very brave to be able to tell him at such a young age that you will not watch him die.  And kudos to you for telling him that you will not allow your children to watch him die.  It takes strength to say something like that.  And while it's terribly hard to do, it's the right thing (in my opinion).

This past week, there has been a terrible fire where my brother lives.  It came within 2 miles of their home. Lots of dry timber in the area and at times, the flames were jumping 300 feet high and the winds were going 45 mph.  His kids are 9 and 11.  Nightmare city.  They packed and packed and moved stuff out to a friends place and the sheriff came and told them to get out and they waited and waited and watched.  Children should not have to experience that kind of fear at such a young age.  Then I got to thinking.  I was 12 years old when my grandma's house burnt to the ground on a farm in the midwest.  I cried for days.  Life was never quite the same because she moved to town in an apartment and all the cousins couldn't run on the farm and play together.  I remember seeing the pile of ashes and blackened timbers that I had been inside of just the day before.  I have been scared to death of fires ever since.

I think watching a parent die from the effects of diabetes would not be any less frightening.  And perhaps more so because it could last for years on end.  There is much of this that they can be protected from. But the yelling and screaming while in a low.....no one is immune from that.

Sunday was Father's Day.  My husband's children are grown and are from his previous marriage.  Neither one of them called him. Neither one came to visit.  My heart simply ached for him.  But I know why.  They honestly believe that they grew up in an abusive home.  They do not understand diabetes at all.  All they remember were all the times when he screamed and yelled at them, blamed them, threatened them.  And I'm pretty positive that he was in one of his sugar lows.  I've learned to deal with them.  But children don't learn and their mom was pretty oblivious to his diabetes back then.

They don't want the grandchildren to be around him.  I can guarantee you that he has never had an outburst around them. When we do get invited to attend an event, I make sure that his glucose is ok.  If it's not, we call off sick.  I almost always go with him and his behavior is perfect.  But his children remember.  They have not forgotten.  And yes, I have tried to explain to them that it was his diabetes.  But they have chosen not to forgive him.

So if you do have children, educate them.  Teach them that this is not normal behavior.  Let them know why lows and highs happen and what can be done to help the diabetic. Always have a safe place to go to.  And never hesitate to walk away if the situation gets that bad.

TWM, if you've read my blog, you know I'm not a therapist.  I just write about my own experiences and give my own suggestions. Take them as a grain of salt!  My husband is alive today because of many, many prayers said for him from all over the world.  Yet he still refuses to take care of himself.

Welcome to the group!



Nephrology called today. He was supposed to go have labs done on June 1.  Hopefully, he will do them tomorrow.  I'm so grateful they are staying on top of this.  :o)

Diabetes Decor

I'm stealing a topic from a fellow blogger because I think it's important.  I truly wish I had thought about this years ago.....but subconsciously I have been moving in this direction for the past 2 years.  Considering all of hubby's medical conditions (open heart surgery, spinal fusion surgery, foot surgeries, gout surgeries)....I am slowly "decorating" our home for diabetes.

Let me explain.

We gave up our king size bed in exchange for 2 twin sized adjustable beds.  After surgery, he was able to lift himself up out of bed by using the hydraulics on the bed and I did not physically have to assist him.  More independence for him, less strain on my back.

We have a small party fridge and microwave in his closet in the MBR.  He keeps his insulin and snacks there.  I can get to them in a minute.  Better than running downstairs in the middle of the night and risk breaking my neck....or his.

A huge 2' x 3' medicine cabinet on the wall in the bathroom filled with everything you can think of for open wounds, wound care, skin care, rashes, allergies, and so much more.  This does not count the shelves of drugs for colds and flus, or his RX meds.  Separate shelves and bins in his closet for all of his insulin test strips, needles, etc.

Hospital type bed trays that wheel under both beds to hold meds and other necessities that he needs multiple times a day.

Light weight corning ware in the kitchen because he has parkinson's and tends to drop things.   Because they are so light, he can easily handle them.  Gave up my wonderful china and stoneware - just too heavy for him.  Paper plates, cups and bowls for everyday use as they are even easier for him to use.

Bathroom on the main floor - added those over the toilet shelves to hide toiletries that he uses on the main level.  Pray that no one ever opens those doors!  Seriously, where/how do you hide adult depends???

My decorative items now include a lot of boxes. Very pretty.  No one would ever know they are anything but decorative. But they store loads of supplies, meds, depends, needles, etc....in a nice way.  :o)

Febreeze air fresheners - the plug in types - in every room - to camoflauge the smells and odors.  My sis says they do help.

The entry closet that should house coats now houses crutches, walkers, canes and the closet in the utility room is where I store the toilet seat lifts and bars.

I never ever thought my life would revolve to this, but it has.  And when you need so much stuff, you have to have a way to store it and still make your home a home, not a hospital.

I did chuck everything in the master bath and buy everything white.  I found it's easier to use bleach to get out stains and you don't have to worry about it fading colors if everything is white.  Who knew I would actually like a totally white bath?  Not just towels and washcloths, toothpaste holders and soap holder, but white wicker stands and shelves, white baskets and boxes.  It actually looks nice and it's pretty easy to keep it all clean and white.

We sold most of our lamps and now have ott-lites or similar types that bend and go over the sofa so he can see to read wherever he sits.  Not as attractive as decorative lamps....but really much more functional.

In our living room, we have 2 full size sofas and 2 recliners.  He can go from a recliner to the sofa, from sitting to lying, as his pain increases and decreases.  That leaves the other recliner for me and the other sofa for guests.  My kitchen chairs are in the basement and rolling student type chairs are at the table because he says they are easier for him to get in and out of.  I'm getting ready to put the wood chairs back because there are just some things I won't sacrifice!

One whole kitchen cabinet is filled with stuff that he needs on the main level during the day as he can no longer run up and down the stairs multiple times a day, and I'm not going to do it for him.

The grill was moved right beside the back door with a chair next to it.  Disrupts the flow on the back deck, but makes it easier for him to do the grilling.  Besides, we never eat outside anymore so who needs to get to the patio table?  :o)

Wondering if anyone else has done diabetes decor in their homes.

DW

Add one, minus one.....

We have a new blogger.  JoannD.    Just check on the right side of my blog.  She asked a question on my post yesterday, but she blogged the topic, so go there and answer her.

And did we lose "new to this" or is her blog just down?  I can't seem to connect.  I always worry when someone disappears!

But I also know how hard it is to write about this.  It's hard enough to live the ups and downs of living with a diabetic.....let alone take the time and find the emotional strength to write about it.  There are days when I can't write.  There are times when I have to walk away from everything.  But there are also days when I NEED to write my feelings down.

So here are my tips for blogging about this:

1. Don't force yourself to write.  Let it come naturally.
2.  If you need to leave for awhile, think nothing of it.  It's your blog - handle it the way you want.
3.  If you need to spill your guts, just do it!
4.  Don't worry if no one ever leaves a comment.  Write for you.  Write to document your life.  To keep a record of what happens.  Write as though you are writing to yourself, for yourself.
5.  If you get negative comments, hit the delete button and don't give it a second thought.  There are a lot of idiots out there.  No one can understand what you are going through except you.
6.  When you start out, start slow.  Don't try to tell the whole story all at once. Just write about what's important at the moment.  The rest will come over time.
7.  Don't argue with others. Don't argue with yourself.  It's not an argument, it's a documentary.
8.  More than anything else, write what's on your mind.  Good or bad. Happy or sad.

DW

Another calm before another storm.

That's how it goes and I have learned to go with the flow. He actually did the grocery shopping today. I think that's the second time in our marriage. I had a genealogy meeting today and told him I couldn't get them.

Going to be a busy fun week. My sis is coming back and we want to play with dichroic glass in the kiln, do some shopping and she wants me to help her with her eBay. I continue to sell and downsize and am feeling so good about that. I still haven't found the strength to do hardworking this summer. Maybe next week.

For now, all is well. Mostly. Still have the fruity smell. He is still running too high.

Dw

How to blog with "this" group - when there is no "group"!!!

JoannD wrote:  DW and others - I keep clicking on stuff but can't seem to find the magic door. 
How does one start a blog that is hooked to this community? I'm one of the most computer-ignorant people I know (but I did figure out how to list stuff on eBay, so I don't think I'm entirely hopeless - just need a little help :-)


All you need to do is start your own blog.  Go to blogger.com  


If you already have a google account, then just go to your account settings, click on blogger, and follow the steps to set up a blog.


Once you have done your first post, send a link to me (post a comment here with it on it) and I will then add you to the list over on the right.  And you can create a list on your blog and add any blog to it that you want to follow.


I know there's a way to do a blog ring, but I think this is just as easy.  I click on all the blogs every couple of days and read what's going on with everyone else. 


You can also subscribe to this blog to follow it


After you have done your first blog post, then go to dashboard, settings, site feed.  You can burn your posts to feedburner and that will get it out on the net for others to find.  I think the key there is to use the labels block in the bottom of each post.  I keep forgetting to do that! 


You can then start in with all the add ons on the far right hand side.  I let people search my blog, subscribe, I have other blogs of spouses, the blog archive is automatic.


I think allowing someone to google search your blog is important.  If they are looking for something specific, they can find it easier that way.


I also use adsense.  Don't ask me about that!  I'm not sure it's set up and I haven't figured out how to check it!  LOL!!!  I need time to research that one, but the ads have no problem showing up, that's for sure!


OK, I know that all sounds pretty simple, but it is.  For me, blogging is the best thing ever. It's a record of what he does, my reactions to it....but mostly a place to vent so I don't get mad at him in person.....I just get mad here.


Like right now.  I came home from teaching a craft class.  The kitchen was absolutely filthy.  The TV was on blare with some sci fi shooting movie on.  I cannot stand that sound - guns going off non-stop.  It just puts me in a foul mood.  So I came into my studio, put my headsets on and am venting here.  So I don't go scream my head off at him.  But I mean seriously - in the middle of a work day, he's watching movies?  If they fire him I won't be surprised at all.  This is the really bad thing about working from home.....him being such a non-compliant diabetic - he's an absolute pro at telling a great lie about whatever he needs to cover!!!


Now, off to create something fun and wonderful while I listen to some soothing tunes on my ipod.  Hmmm....maybe ipods should be mandatory for spouses of diabetics!


DW

holey shirts

Hubby pokes his insulin shots directly through his shirt into his stomach.  He says that it helps the pain of the needles.  Of course, blood then gets on the inside of his shirt and stains it.....and those tiny little needle jabs break through the fabric and with each wash, tend to break down the fibers in the shirt until little holes start to appear.

I did not know he was doing this until I started finding holey shirts.  I refuse to let him wear them - I toss them out.  I truly hate the fact that he has resorted to this.  But when I look at his stomach, it is simply one gigantic bruise of black, blue, green, purple, yellow, and orange.  So I suppose that if he thinks this insulates the pain, it's a small price to pay.

He now has to do his own laundry.  I'm not going to presoak to get the blood stains out.  He can figure out how to do that. And if he comes downstairs in the morning with a stained, holey shirt, I will tell him that if we are going out, he will have to change.

Maybe I should just let him go out looking like a hobo!  I could just tell people I married a holey hobo!

OK, one must laugh at least once a day to get through this.

I ended up sleeping on the sofa because the smells in our room were just rancid.  I didn't sleep a lot, so I'm not moving so well today.  May just take the entire day off.  After I go clean up the bathroom.  You know, there is just nothing I love better than cleaning a toilet that someone else has messed up with their uncontrollable diarrhea.  Nope - I am so looking forward to that task...I just can't tell you!

Blood stained holey shirts, diarrhea splattered toilets, and the acetone smell -rank fruity smell permeating the house at the moment....

and yet diabetics get mad at ME when I tell a young person to run away rather than marry into this?  They get angry with me when I tell them that if they are married, don't bring children into this situation?  They deny that any of this is ever going to happen to them?

Maybe I should write more about the grossness of this disease.   But first - I have to go clean toilets, open windows, air out the house!!!

DW

JoannD has questions for you

she wrote:

I wonder if my DH could have had blood-sugar issues for years and not known it. He has a predictable pattern of being the nicest guy in the world until about 3:00 or 3:30 in the afternoon, and then he gets short-tempered and irritable. This shows up especially while driving - he becomes the King of Road Rage - being belligerent as all get out toward other drivers and then not having a clue why some of them come back at him. Trouble is, he also carries a loaded firearm and is willing to escalate the quarrel. If I can, I try to grab the guncase and try to put it between my seat and door, where he can't reach it, because he is clearly irrational at those times. I can't tell you how terrifying this is. A confrontation between two testosterone-poisoned males (and hey, I'm a grandma myself, and while I am a competent shot with a firearm, I'd just as soon not have to shoot anybody.) Why do they have to get crazy like this???

Well, I have a couple of questions first.  Has he been diagnosed as diabetic?  Does he test his sugar?  You probably need to get him to test on a regular schedule. If you think he's going low at 3 pm, then I'd suggest he test at 8 am, 11:30 am, 3 pm, 6:30 pm and bedtime.  If you can get him to do that for a week, you could probably determine a pattern and relate it to his behavior.

Road Rage is terrible. My hubby is equally guilty of it. I have been doing most of the driving for the last 2 years.  I just refuse to ride with him behind the wheel.  Some states do not allow diabetics to have drivers license.  I think that would be great for every state.  If your state doesn't have that law, you could always advocate for it.

then she wrote:

I honestly think that overeating is a form of addiction. My DH watched his father die of (among other things) uncontrollable insulin-dependent diabetes - the man smoked like a bad chimney, was a SEVERE alcoholic, and absolutely refused to comply with any sort of diet. My DH has resolutely stayed away from tobacco and alcohol all of his life (he says of alcohol "I'm afraid I might LIKE it.') But his main vice is food, and boy, does he shovel it in. He has multiple health problems stemming directly from being 100+ pounds overweight but short of putting him on a desert island somewhere, I don't know how to cut off his access to excess food. Some of you have commented on how your husband's personality and/or temper changes if his sugar is out of whack. My husband is normally one of the kindest, sweetest people I know, but when he is stressed or overtired, it's almost as if another entity takes over and he becomes angry, aggressive, and nasty to the point of viciousness, especially when driving. I guess I'll have to figure out how to set up my own blog so that others can comment on it. I really want to get some feedback from the rest of you because this is all new and bewildering to me.


My thoughts are that too much of anything can kill you.  Too much alcohol, smoking, eating, sugar.....probably doesn't matter what it is, if it's done to excess, it could kill you.  


And "we" probably can't cut of their access.  After all, these are grown men who need to make their own choices - even if they might die from those choices.  Did I mention here that my sister's husband's brother just died from alcohol at the age of 51?  You might think that was a wake up call to my sister's husband who drinks non-stop. Nope - he just drank more at the funeral.


To some extent, I think diabetes is just like any other thing out there. You don't control your glucose levels, you will have all kinds of side effects.  You might die.  You don't control drinking, smoking, eating....same end result.  


Some of us refer to a syndrome called the "roller coaster ride" where our spouses emotions seem to always be up or down, high or low, sweet or angry, excited or depressed....and it's the fact that we never seem to know where we are on that ride.  We can't predict when the next high or low will be.  And our spouses seem to have different reactions.  When my hubby is high, he is agitated, nervous, jittery, irritated.  When he goes low, he is very argumentative, combative, belligerent.  And somewhere in between the highs and lows, I get glimpses of that guy I fell in love with.


Anyone else want to make input?


Blogging is wonderful. It's therapy.  It's a record of what happens.  It can provide a history of the prognosis of the disease.  My blog has been helpful in finding dates of when issues first started.  It's even answered questions for doctors. No, hubby still doesn't know about it.  I just said, "I have kept some notes, let me go look at them and see what I can find."



So, hubby has now had diarrhea for 10 days.  He refuses to go see a doctor.  He is experimenting by eliminating various foods.  He stopped ice cream, cheese, milk as he thinks it might be lactose intolerance.  His glucose is still testing around 220. He still has the horrible fruity smell about him.  I got up this morning and sprayed febreeze all over the house.  Thank goodness for that stuff!!!  It does tone down the smell!  But I have had my moments this weekend when I thought I would get sick from the smell.  Guess I'll stock up on those plug-in air fresheners at the grocer tomorrow.  


I spent the day today teaching 2 friends of mine how to do ebay. One is age 70, the other is age 52.  Neither knew how to download a photo from the camera to the computer.  Neither had ever edited a photo on the computer. Neither had previously set up or used a paypal account. It was a very long, very frustrating day, but at the end of the day, each had listed one item for sale on ebay.  It taught me that there are some things worse than diabetes!  LOLOL!!!

DW

Having a mini vacation

Two of my sisters live 3 hours a way and I came to visit them this week. It's been wonderful!! Loads of chatter, creative art work and good food. No menus to plan. I have such wonderful sisters!! And they know just when I need a break. I haven't been here in almost a year. Way too long!

Hubby and I skype a couple of times a day, so it's not like he's completely alone. I pretty much leave the camera on and he can call when he wants.

He's had diarrhea all week. Extreme case. So I'm really glad to be here. He misses me. But I know this is good for him. He will be very nice and on his best behavior when I get home! Ha ha!

When I went to check my blog tonight, I found TEN comments!! Wow! Some made me laugh! And it's good to laugh about this journey.

My one sister's husband just lost his brother to alcoholism, so we had a good talk about how similar diabetes can be to something like that...in the sense of how sugar destroys the physical and mental aspects of ones health just as alcohol does. I had never thought to compare the 2, but alcohol turns to sugar, something more tom study when I have time.

I highly recommend getaway weeks to keep your sanity, recharge your engine, revitalize your spirit! This is just perfect!!

DW

Here's why I quit cooking!

I really am a very good cook.  But no one knows it!  LOL!!!  After about 3 years into this relationship, I realized that there is no way I could have a restaurant in this house, with a menu, with options available at each meal!

I mean, seriously, who expects that?

My husband does!!!

If I fix hamburgers, he wants chicken.

If I ask him this morning if he wants chicken this evening, he will say yes.  I will thaw it out.  Then about 4 pm, he will say, "I don't feel like chicken, what else do we have?"

My answer is usually, "well, frozen pot pies, soup, or sandwiches"

None of that will sound good to him.  He will want to go out to eat.

What does he order at the restaurant?

Something with chicken in it!!!!

So I simply gave up.  I buy things that go into the freezer.  I always have fresh deli meats, veggies, salad and fruit in the refrig.  I always have eggs on hand.  In the pantry, there is always fresh bread, tortillas, and usually buns of some kind.

And I started telling other people this line:  "I cooked for 25 years while raising my sons.  When they left home, I quit."  Hey, I think cooking for other people for 25 years is more than enough!  Did he do that for his family?  Hardly!  And I'm just not in the mood to try and figure out what he wants to eat and have the stuff available to fix it for him 30 minutes before it's time to eat!

He has learned that he cannot "demand" a home cooked dinner from me (note to raging diabetic's wife).

He has learned that I don't stock orange juice.....just in case he needs it.....just to let it grow mold because he doesn't need it (note to wife of a diabetic2) He's going to have to do a better job of preventing his own sugar lows.  All I have are glucose tabs to give him.  If he passes out, I call 911....and he will pay the bill.

He has learned to cook for himself. Now - isn't that amazing?  He loves chinese food and I hate it, but he has become pretty good at making it.

I'm not a huge eater.  I don't like 3 meals a day.  I don't get up and eat breakfast.  I like a little something about 11 am, then a meal around 4 or 5 pm.  I don't like to eat late and then go to bed with a full stomach. I hate going out to eat.  So with his schedule of needing 45 carbs for breakfast, lunch and dinner,needing to eat on a set schedule, loving to eat out....we are just about as opposite as we can be on this subject.

We are also at complete opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to exercise. I love to get up first thing and get on the treadmill.  Listen to mp3 on my ipod while I walk.  Starts my day out great.  I like to go to bed early and get up early.

He would stay up until 2 am and sleep til noon if he could.  He wouldn't consider getting on the stationary bike until 4 pm.  If there's yardwork to be done, I prefer to get it done early before it gets too hot.  He wants to start at 2 pm.....when it's at the hottest.

I do not take any medications.  He has more than enough for an army.

How did we ever hook up?  LOL!  But I think you can see how different our entire metabolic systems are.

Most of these are simply non-issues. I made eating a non-issue as I simply quit cooking after 3 years in this relationship - when I realized how much work I was doing when I would sit down to the dinner table and he would tell me that he wasn't hungry for whatever I had fixed, get up and fix himself a bowl of cereal.

Yep, my cooking days are over. And it's great!!!  He still asks me every morning "what's for dinner tonight?" and I still say, "I have chicken I can thaw out".  Once in awhile - we actually thaw out that chicken!  LOL!!

DW

I want that flashing red light!!!

Lilly wrote:  I understand your prayer. I have even said like prayers myself! Wouldn't it be great if they had some flashing red light attached to them that would give us a warning when their sugars are screwed up? Then when we saw the light flashing, we would know not to say ANYTHING at all to them during that time . . . and maybe just get the hell out of their way. 

I want that flashing red light!  LOLOL!!!!! Seriously - I wonder if 100 years from now someone won't be able to invent something that attaches to a pump or something that monitors their blood sugar 24/7 and sets off bells and alarms when they go low.  Locks all the car doors so they can't drive.....I don't think it's out of the realm of possibility at all.  And would be so helpful!  Oh, it needs to lock their hands in place so they can't be on the computer ordering stupid stuff as well!!!

He has been sick to his stomach vomiting this weekend.  So, is it the flu.....or kidney failure?  His gauge is always to wait 3 days and see if it passes.  I am learning not to worry.  I think the experience of this last surgery was good in that it helped me learn not to worry. OK, it's like putting your teenager son behind the wheel of a car for the first time.  You "tell" yourself you are not going to worry.  But there is something nagging at you until he is safe back at home.  

I went shopping yesterday, then my middle sis called that she had come to town with her neighbor and the neighbor's daughter looking for a graduation dress and they wanted me to join them for lunch. It was a really fun day!!!  So you just have to get out and keep living your own life regardless of the life the diabetic spouse chooses to live.

But a sick husband over a 3day weekend is not what I need. Weather hasn't cooperated, so no yard work so far.  Maybe later today. I woke up at 4:17 am - couldn't sleep.  Might try for a nap next!  Going to be one of those days!  Plus, the smell of ketoacidosis is back in the bedroom.  It makes me quite ill.  His glucose has been running 220.  He said the endo has him back up to 20 U Humulin RU 500 in the morning and 16U at night.  Before surgery, he was 32U am and 20U at night.  

So, I decided to go online to his insurance records. I'm not sure that he knows I have access.  I found an unopened email from endocrinology dated May 19 that reads:

We have been unsuccessful in trying to reach you by phone. 
Dr Weber is requesting that you call us or email us with a week's worth of blood sugars and your current insulin doses.

Simple fact is that he just lied to me once again.  He is adjusting his insulin on his own.  He has not been in contact with the endo.  The email was UNOPENED.  If he had sent in the sugars, there would have been another email responding to it - there always is.  They document every change in insulin.  Even if they make them over the phone.  The last time he sent his blood sugars to endo was 3/27/11.

I have to simply take a deep breath and remind myself that this is his disease.  This is his life.  If he want's to die, this is his decision. If he wants to simply just get worse and worse, this is his decision.  And then I go ahead and plan what I want to do today. Most likely without him.  

But wouldn't it be so nice to have that flashing red light!  LOL!!!

DW

"I don't have high blood pressure"

That is what he says to every single physician he sees.  Yet he is on atenolol.  And last night, his BP was 166/58.  Hmmm.....  but note, he doesn't have high blood pressure!

We have had a calm day. Thank goodness.  I think it is the calm before the storm.  He is not going to want to do yard work this weekend and I am going to force it.

He doesn't want to go anywhere as there's too much traffic.
He doesn't want to go to the movies as it would be too crowded.
He doesn't want to go out to dinner as there are too many people out this weekend.

So I decided it's a good time to do yardwork!

We have over 2/3 acre in this yard.  He doesn't want to move.  So he can help with the work.

And I know that he is going to tell me he has a headache, a back ache, his hips hurt, he is sick to his stomach.....I just don't know which excuse he is going to use.  And I'm ready to tell him that this time, there are no excuses!

Hmm.....wonder who will win this one?  LOL!!

DW

Deliver me from this man.....

My prayer this morning. Need I really say more?  8:02 am and he's already yelling his head off at me.  Why?  Because I stated a political/religious opinion of mine.  Obviously, I am NOT allowed to have any thoughts of my own because if I state them, he goes ballistic.

Yes, he took his insulin shot.

No, he has not had anything to eat.

Is he low?  Most likely.

Is he going to do anything about it?  Well, he just did, didn't he?  Yelling gets his adrenaline flowing which gets his body to push glucose which will raise him up out of his low.

I understand the medical mechanics of this.

But really, truly, beyond any words I can describe.....I am tired of being the brunt of his emotional outbursts.  I am tired of not being allowed to express my thoughts or opinions....or having to remember not to say certain things at certain times of the day because his sugar might be (probably is) low.

So my prayer today is that God will deliver me from this situation - one way or another.  Horribly selfish prayer....but perhaps one of sanity at this moment.

DW

There are worse things...

Well, seriously, at this very instant....my hard drive crashed while on vacation. So I'm trying to install everything on a new drive. My biggest problem?? Finding the software.

He says, " you can't use that, it's my copy.". So I spend an entire day going through everything I can think of....to find HIS copy in HIS closet. The one I started out with this morning was mine. Yes, they are now labeled and I will put all my software in a locked box. But I swear this happens almost daily around here. And rather than have him explode...I simply go on a wild goose chase.

This man never puts anything away. I refuse to touch his office, closet, basement or garage. I just close the doors when company comes.

But in the search today, I came across the 2008 taxes in a drawer with old software manuals....what the heck??? LOL!!! Needless to say I'm now also hunting down all the past taxes and will set up files for all of them. Sigh!

So while software is loading on my laptop, I'm posting from my iPad. I can't copy and paste, but a new reader joined. She said that she loves him and hates him and feels guilty about that. Heck....I go thru those exact feelings multiple times an hour!! I think it's a normal part of our survival process. I constantly remember the guy I fell in love with and married. I grieve the loss of that guy. Anger is part of the grief process which is a normal process. So, no, don't feel bad about having those feelings at all. We all do.

As for depression, I think it is a side effect of this disease. More often than not a diabetic will be depressed as they go through their own grief process with each loss of bodily functions. It is a daily struggle to live with someone who is depressed. Counseling helps. But I have learned that setting goals for myself, having my own interests, friends of my own, time away...helps more than anything else.

I would never give my husband his shots. I have a serious needle phobia and he knows it. But while I know I could administer the shots if I absolutely had to....I'm using this to my advantage. On the other hand, I will not stay home just in case he might need me, want me, be afraid to be alone....I am my own person and this is his disease...not mine!!! I think it's perfectly ok to make them do things for themselves and to make them be alone and do things on their own. If my husband ever decides to quit taking his insulin, he knows that my next call will be to hospice. Maybe that's why he's gotten so much better about taking his meds! LOL!

Ok, back to building a new system. Something worse than diabetes for the moment!!!

Heading home

Ok, get him a wheelchair at the airport!!! Best thing ever. Gets you to the front of the security line. Less time waiting. Less chance of sugar dropping. Less chance of arguments. Just give it a try and you will never go without one again.

Then we found a restaurant where I am serving the net on my iPad and having a Marguerite. I NEVER drink. But I am today. Late evening flights bother me. So much stress. Higher chance the plane is delayed and doesn't get here. Decidedmtoday to handle it with alcohol. LOL!! Should have started drinking at the beginning of our vacation, not the end.

Life will get back to normal tomorrow. While traveling is really hard these days, it's still worth it to spend a week with great friends and just get away from the everyday routine of life. Hope you've had a good week!

DW

Sleep, sweet, sweet sleep!

Being here with his team, I can let go and let them take care of him.  Today, I slept.  Almost all day long.  It was so sweet!  Much needed peaceful rest.  And they left me alone.  Even when they had questions for me, they didn't wake me up and it all went well.

It's been a fun week.  I've done lots of shopping and sightseeing and now it's pouring down rain.  No idea if we will make it to the beach or not.  Don't care as I've decided sleep and rest are more important!

He is eating anything and everything he wants.  But I decided that one week will no kill him.  Let him have a vacation from rules as well.  Yes, we'll pay terribly when we get home, but I think we both need a break from diabetes.  And while we can't really get a total break, we can bend the rules for 7 days.

He is truly enjoying this time with his staff.....and I'm enjoying the rest I'm getting.  As well as the companionship of other wives and all the long talks we are having.

A car crash in the neighborhood last night put a damper on the weekend party.  4 teenagers, drunk, crashed into a tree. One airlifted to a hospital and rumor is that she died, but no confirmation yet.  Another with a broken back.  Makes me appreciate the ease of diabetes, even though there is nothing easy about it.  Puts things in perspective.

In the meantime, I think I'll go take another nap!  LOL!!!

DW

Honesty and diabetes

First - thanks for all the comments on my last post.

Good question - why hasn't there been a study done?

Good answer - because diabetics and their families would not be honest.

It's about as simple as that.

I could never answer questions honestly.  Heck, I can't even identify myself in this blog - for fear that if he ever found out he would be pissed beyond belief.  He would deny that anything I write is true.  And he would hate me for speaking my mind here.  So how could I begin to answer a study truthfully???

And he couldn't possibly give an honest report:

When he's in a low....he doesn't remember anything he says or does.

He's in denial (well, he was until this last hospitalization) about what all is wrong.

He gets terribly confused.  Just tonight, he was telling friends that 5 years ago, he did not have diabetes.  I jsut about fell out of my chair.  I've been blogging about his diabetes for at least 6 years (but of course I couldn't blurt that out!!!)   I sat here and calmly siad, "now, sweetie, 5 years ago is when you started taking insulin shots, but you were taking pills when I met you and that was 12 years ago, and you told me that you have had diabetes since you were 22." He said, "oh yeah, that's right."

But imagine if it were a study and I wasn't there and he said he'd only had this disease 5 years instead of 30?  I just think that sometimes he has no clue what he says to other people!!!

Knowing all this, if someone did do a study, I would have to question it's accuracy and validity.  Because I would know that the diabetic couldn't possibly be reporting accurately....and that the spouse probably had a million reasons why she would have to alter the truth in order to stay with her husband.

Interesting quandry, isn't it?

But I really think that's the bottom line.  If our spouses are abusing us, we write it off to a sugar low or high, to some medical issue and thus, we deny that we are being abused.  So we'd never report it as abuse.....verbal or otherwise.  I mean, I can think of times when he has made me feel so little, so humiliated, so put-down.  He has robbed me of every ounce of self-esteem.  But then there are the moments when the old husband shines through and that's what we all live for.  So we deny everything else.

Truly sad.  But really truly how it happens.

And that's why there are no studies involving spouses.  It would take an impossibly great interviewer who saw past the manipulation, who could reach deep down inside and get the spouse to admist the abuse and get the husband to understand that he is the one who is abusing.  And if the person doing the study is that good......they are already making way too much money to do a study!  LOL!!!

*******

Today was a travel day.  Wheelchairs are wonderful!   We breezed through security at the airport.  We will always use a wheelchair for him from now on.  I'm planning on a week of peaceful rest.  We are staying with friends who are going to take over and take care of him and I will get a break!  Starting tomorrow!  I can't wait!

DW