Day in and day out - life goes on

Have I become numb to living with diabetes?  And is that just ok?  Sometimes I wonder!  My sister was here yesterday and our truck was done at the shop.  He comes out and asks me if I want to take him to get it.  I said, "when we're done with our visit."  I thought my tone was pleasant - I was enjoying my sister's company.  He immediately turned snarky and said, "you don't have to if you don't want to." and walked out the door to the mail box.

I looked at my sister with nothing but sorry in my eyes.  Sorrow that she had to see him get in a snit because I didn't jump at his command!  But she knows - she gets it.  He came back in the house and I said, "would it be ok if I take my sister to lunch, then home, and when I get back we can go get the truck?"  and he said "whatever" in his snarky voice and stomped off to his room.

Such a 10-year-old snit - not getting what he wanted the moment he wanted it.

Was he in a bit of a sugar low?

Not too long ago, his glucose went down to 50.  We were out camping.  It was 2:30 am.  I woke up to him falling back onto his bed.  I asked what was wrong.  He told me his sugar was down to 50 and asked if I had tootsie rolls.  Of course, he already knew that I did - that was his way of telling me he wanted me to get them for him.  I said, "where are your glucose tabs?"  He said, "in the truck".  So of course I got up and got him the tootsie rolls and saw that he had just ate a banana.

And then I was awake the rest of the night and yep, he went right back to sleep.  I was awake wondering in my head- what if I hadn't gone to the grocery just that morning and brought back bananas and tootsie rolls along with the other groceries.  What if I didn't have anything sweet at all in the travel trailer?  I would have had to put my clothes on, go out to the truck, find his glucose tabs?  Why couldn't he pre-plan for this?  Why hadn't he brought his glucose tabs back to the trailer?  WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM???

And I keep going back to the single thought - not my disease.  But I doubt he will EVER take care of himself.

Is he getting a touch of dementia.  Diabetics with this late stage kidney failure can do that.  Is he getting a touch of alzheimers?  That can happen as well.  What are the signs and symptoms that I need to be looking for?

His gastroparentesis continues to develop.  His stomach has times when it is so bloated an brick hard.

His upper legs are "blown up" and brick hard.  I googled that.  Lipohypertrophy.  Don't you just love adding words to your vocabulary?  He's switched to injecting in his stomach.  2 times a day, 365 days per year, 14 years.....10220 injections.  Something was bound to happen.

And I know that he is a prime candidate for a heart attack or stroke.  In my last post - 2 months ago, he had had his labs.  His doc called and wanted him to have an ultrasound done because his BUN is high.  36.  But remember, it's been as high as 63 in the past.  The doc said that there might be a tumor in his kidney.  So he scheduled an ultrasound and that doc told him that he needed a CT scan first.  Hubby emailed his nephrologist thinking this new doc, a subcontractor to our insurance company, might be trying to rip off our insurance company with unnecessary tests.  He's not heard back from the nephrologist.

I'm not pressing this issue.  I doubt there's a tumor anywhere.  It's just an elimination step in the process.  They need to eliminate that possibility before moving on.  My research shows me that you can also have an increase in your BUN if your heart is not working.  It's not pumping enough blood through the kidneys to filter (clean) the blood.  

It's almost a catch 22 situation.  The heart doesn't pump enough blood through the kidneys to filter it.  So the toxins (protein) stay in the blood and accumulate to a higher level.  The damaged kidneys already are having trouble filtering the blood and now the heart isn't pumping hard enough to allow the kidneys to do their job.

But what would they do for his heart?  When he had his bypass surgery 9 years ago, they wanted to do 5 bypasses and could not find enough healthy veins and only did 3.  He didn't grow new healthy veins in the past 9 years with his A1c going from 9 to 12 and back down to 8.  I doubt they could do bypass surgery and he's said he will never go through that again.  I'm pretty sure his kidneys would fail since they failed with his last surgery.  I'm not sure his kidney function would allow them to do surgery at this point.

So why get the ultrasound done?  And I think that's where he's at with everything.  He simply has to know his prognosis....or be in such intense denial that it's a protective denial.

Those of us as family members, as caregivers, are the ones who truly suffer the most.  It's hard to deny anything when your spouse is having a sugar crash and needs candy, glucose tabs...whatever.  You just go into an automatic pilot mode and do what's necessary and then spend the rest of the night wide awake while they get their sleep!  Almost funny!  But not quite....

I know it's getting close to the end for him.  On the other hand, I could easily go first.  We have been camping and are planning more trips.  It keeps us busy.  Hopefully we are leaving in a week and will have a 3-week long adventure with some ocean time.  I find when we are camping, I take long afternoon naps.  I take long morning walks.  I enjoy nature.  I come home rested.  It's what I need at this phase of our lives.

DW

Deliver me from this man.....

My prayer this morning. Need I really say more?  8:02 am and he's already yelling his head off at me.  Why?  Because I stated a political/religious opinion of mine.  Obviously, I am NOT allowed to have any thoughts of my own because if I state them, he goes ballistic.

Yes, he took his insulin shot.

No, he has not had anything to eat.

Is he low?  Most likely.

Is he going to do anything about it?  Well, he just did, didn't he?  Yelling gets his adrenaline flowing which gets his body to push glucose which will raise him up out of his low.

I understand the medical mechanics of this.

But really, truly, beyond any words I can describe.....I am tired of being the brunt of his emotional outbursts.  I am tired of not being allowed to express my thoughts or opinions....or having to remember not to say certain things at certain times of the day because his sugar might be (probably is) low.

So my prayer today is that God will deliver me from this situation - one way or another.  Horribly selfish prayer....but perhaps one of sanity at this moment.

DW

the diabetic generational delima

hubby is diabetic and non-compliant
hubby's father is diabetic and non-compliant
hubby's grandfather died from diabetes, probably non-compliant
hubby's great grandfather died from diabetes, probably no drugs at that time

I have witnessed hubby's father yelling and screaming, angry as a bear, in a diabetic low. He used to get so mad at me and just scream his head off at me as I sat there in a stupor trying to figure out what it was I had done to tick the guy off.

I finally realized what was going on and now I simply inform him that he does not have the "right" to talk to me that way. Most often he backs off and goes into the other room. I also do not go visit my in-laws one second more than I absolutely have to. I do not encourage my husband to go visit them either.

Additionally, my father-in-law has no recollection of any of these outbursts of his. He will deny that they ever happen.

So here's the delima.

My husband grew up in a house with this going on all the time. Dad screaming his head off at him. Mom screaming at dad trying to get dad's sugar levels to "fight" back up. Dad not remembering it happened at all and denying everything.

Hubby acquired diabetes at the age of 22. He most likely was the same way around his kids.

But what I have witnessed in the past few years:

Father-in-law gets into a low, gets angry, screams at the family. Hubby is in a low at the same time....doesn't remember his dad screaming at anyone.

What an absolute merry-go-round! Father and son, both non-compliant diabetics....trying to make the rest of us slowly go nuts! LOLOL!

My mother-in-law has a very unique way of dealing with my father-in-law's lows.  She has shingles in her left face/eye area.  The moment that he starts to go low, she has an "attack". She will "take to her bed" letting our schrill screams of pain. I believe that this works to raise his glucose levels as his adrenaline kicks in because he has to "rescue" her from her pain. He immediately rushes to her side and starts to be her "nurse" trying to comfort her and get the screams of pain to stop.  It's an amazing scenario to watch...but it not only works on her husband, it works on her son (my hubby) to get him out of a low.

How do I know her "attacks" are fake? She has never ever had one when the guys are out of the house. But the minute they return.....her shingles flare up.  Maybe she's more brilliant than I give her credit for being!

All that screaming and yelling and no one remembers a thing....except the non-diabetic family members who were the victims of the diabetic lows of their spouses.

But in some sick, sad, twisted way...it helps me. I can now talk back to hubby and father-in-law, stand up to both of them, inform them they do not have my permission to act like that....be aggressive and demand they shut up because a) they will not remember what I said, and b) sometimes a shocking statement like that will truly make them shut up!

How on earth did I get so blessed to have TWO non-compliant diabetics in my life???

Feeding diabetes

someone commented:

I am a type 1 diabetic, and suffer from anger when my levels are low, although my anger isn't as bad as your husbands.

My diabetes is reasonably well controlled and it still happens to me a few times a year, and I'm rarely aware of it happening before its too late.

I am normally a very soft and gentle character but when my levels are low its like it just explodes from knowhere.
I hate myself after it happens and have even broken my hand punching the floor to vent it.
The best advise I can give is to make sure your husband always has breakfast asap, avoid confrontation and talk to him about his diabetes control in the evening and if he won't listen talk to his doctor/specialist.

and I want to thank you for the comments. But wow- hubby has never broken a bone in his anger - yet!

I do agree that eating seems to be the key to controlling the lows. He's been on a business trip and got up early today to fly home. Didn't eat. And his plane was delayed. So, of course, when he got here, he was cranky. I remained quiet til we got home and fed him immediately - and then he was fine.

Now - if I can figure that out, why can't he? LOL! You definitely have to "feed" the lows.

For the most part, things are moving along fairly calmly here. I believe that for right now, the docs have his meds sorted out and as long as he eats a little something several times a day, he seems to remain on a pretty even keel. And I'm quite happy with where we are - a far cry from a couple of years ago.

We have quite a bit of travel coming up, so we'll see how he does. His hip seems to have calmed down for right now. But then he was at sea level for the past week and I always think that helps him with his pain and comfort levels.

DW

6 am low

Just more notes about the "journey". He woke up at 6 am, got the peanut butter and crackers out of the closet and turned on the TV to Saturday morning cartoons! I sleepily asked him what he was doing and he said, "I'm having a low."

Well, I'm wondering where was the high he had to have had in order to balance the low so his A1c is normal? I have totally been missing his highs as he seems to be having more lows.

I've had a guest here for a week and he came out one day and it was about 10:30 am. He was in such a low and I knew it immediately. He was banging and slamming on the ice machine in the refrigerator. He yelled at me to see if I had called them to come fix it. I said, "you just need to replace the filter". He yells that the light is not on, it doesn't need to be replaced. Of course, my guest is here as well as another friend, so I very quietly said, "I think you've forgotten, the filter goes bad a few days before the light goes on". (We have a new refrig and you can't make ice if the filter isn't working.) So he wants to know where the filter is and I told him it was under the kitchen sink.

He proceeds to come into my studio where my friends and I are, brings the box over to me, sticks it like 3" under my nose and says, "Can't you read at all? It says you don't replace until the light comes on?" and in such a demeaning tone of voice.

So what do you do? Ignore him? That will just continue his litle tirade. I totally knew he was in a low as pissed off and irrational as he was acting. I also knew he would forget it completely when it was over. Yet I have 2 friends right there and I sensed how horribly uncomfortable they were. So I said in a very quiet voice, "well, why don't you try the filter anyway and if that doesn't work, I will call the repair guy?"

He stormed out of room and I looked at my friends and said ever so quietly, "now you know what a sugar low is like."

Of course, replacing the filter was all it took and the ice machine worked just fine. He got his ice, went upstairs, and my friends and I had a lengthly discussion about sugar highs and lows and the "real" nightmare of my life that I continue to cover up to the best of my ability.

If nothing else, I think my friends are better friends now as they know another aspect of my personal life. One I would have preferred to keep from them.

I just think it's so sad that he has chosen this route of non-compliance. These highs and lows cannot be good for him physically, yet he apparently doesn't get that. And I have to admit, for a man the age he is, he doesn't have very many close male friends and I imagine this is exactly why. No one else seems to really understand the emotional and social aspects of this disease. If he spoke to friends the way he did to me on that day, I doubt he would have them as friends. Women are a little different. My friends witnessed his verbal treatment of me, have sympathy for what I deal with, and are closer friends and will support me even more. Because I sat here and explained the situation to them and assured them that he most likely had no idea how he was treating me at that moment.

And most of my friends have witnessed how sweet and wonderful he can be when he is "normal". So they know that was not his usual behavior.

Back to today. It's now 7 am and I guess I'm awake for the rest of the day while I hear him upstairs snoring. And I wonder why I'm tired! LOL!!!

DW

Memory loss, sugar low, or both

An interesting problem has developed in the past few weeks. Well, it's not a "problem" - but it could be. This past weekend, hubby asked me to help him clean out his closet. Oh me....what a mess! But mission accomplished! He laid on the bed while I pulled things out and he had 3 choices: Goodwill, keep, or box. Simple process.

A few times there would be an empty box or package and he'd make a comment, "oh that goes to so and so that you borrowed." I just blew the comments off...not even paying attention. Until it came to an empty "compac" box (computer company). He said, "that is for the HP calculator of mine that you took." I simply stood there and said, "what HP calculator?" He said, "the one you use all the time." I pointed to the outside of the box and said, "this says COMPAC!!!" He said, "well, you took that one, too." To which I replied, "I have never used a compac calculator in my life. I bought the HP12C in graduate school.....FIFTEEN years before I met you!!" and he said, "No you didn't, I bought it - you took it from me!"

I was simply stunned into silence by my sheer utter disbelief in his statement. I mean, I just cannot comprehend what is happening to him. I understand memory loss. I understand sugar lows. But I don't understand how on earth he can possibly be to the point where he thinks that everything that is in this house is something that he purchased and I "took"!

And yes, a calculator is a very small item (even though when I purchased this one.....at that time....it cost $150 so it was a major purchase for someone in graduate school). But it's the concept behind the statements. First, that I would "take" something away from him that was "his". Second - that even though I have worked 33 years in my life....I never purchased anything - he bought it all.

Is delusion a part of memory loss? Is this what happens when nerve endings and brain cells start to die off? Just something else to keep my eye on as this disease continues to progress throughout his body.