I want that flashing red light!!!

Lilly wrote:  I understand your prayer. I have even said like prayers myself! Wouldn't it be great if they had some flashing red light attached to them that would give us a warning when their sugars are screwed up? Then when we saw the light flashing, we would know not to say ANYTHING at all to them during that time . . . and maybe just get the hell out of their way. 

I want that flashing red light!  LOLOL!!!!! Seriously - I wonder if 100 years from now someone won't be able to invent something that attaches to a pump or something that monitors their blood sugar 24/7 and sets off bells and alarms when they go low.  Locks all the car doors so they can't drive.....I don't think it's out of the realm of possibility at all.  And would be so helpful!  Oh, it needs to lock their hands in place so they can't be on the computer ordering stupid stuff as well!!!

He has been sick to his stomach vomiting this weekend.  So, is it the flu.....or kidney failure?  His gauge is always to wait 3 days and see if it passes.  I am learning not to worry.  I think the experience of this last surgery was good in that it helped me learn not to worry. OK, it's like putting your teenager son behind the wheel of a car for the first time.  You "tell" yourself you are not going to worry.  But there is something nagging at you until he is safe back at home.  

I went shopping yesterday, then my middle sis called that she had come to town with her neighbor and the neighbor's daughter looking for a graduation dress and they wanted me to join them for lunch. It was a really fun day!!!  So you just have to get out and keep living your own life regardless of the life the diabetic spouse chooses to live.

But a sick husband over a 3day weekend is not what I need. Weather hasn't cooperated, so no yard work so far.  Maybe later today. I woke up at 4:17 am - couldn't sleep.  Might try for a nap next!  Going to be one of those days!  Plus, the smell of ketoacidosis is back in the bedroom.  It makes me quite ill.  His glucose has been running 220.  He said the endo has him back up to 20 U Humulin RU 500 in the morning and 16U at night.  Before surgery, he was 32U am and 20U at night.  

So, I decided to go online to his insurance records. I'm not sure that he knows I have access.  I found an unopened email from endocrinology dated May 19 that reads:

We have been unsuccessful in trying to reach you by phone. 
Dr Weber is requesting that you call us or email us with a week's worth of blood sugars and your current insulin doses.

Simple fact is that he just lied to me once again.  He is adjusting his insulin on his own.  He has not been in contact with the endo.  The email was UNOPENED.  If he had sent in the sugars, there would have been another email responding to it - there always is.  They document every change in insulin.  Even if they make them over the phone.  The last time he sent his blood sugars to endo was 3/27/11.

I have to simply take a deep breath and remind myself that this is his disease.  This is his life.  If he want's to die, this is his decision. If he wants to simply just get worse and worse, this is his decision.  And then I go ahead and plan what I want to do today. Most likely without him.  

But wouldn't it be so nice to have that flashing red light!  LOL!!!

DW

"I don't have high blood pressure"

That is what he says to every single physician he sees.  Yet he is on atenolol.  And last night, his BP was 166/58.  Hmmm.....  but note, he doesn't have high blood pressure!

We have had a calm day. Thank goodness.  I think it is the calm before the storm.  He is not going to want to do yard work this weekend and I am going to force it.

He doesn't want to go anywhere as there's too much traffic.
He doesn't want to go to the movies as it would be too crowded.
He doesn't want to go out to dinner as there are too many people out this weekend.

So I decided it's a good time to do yardwork!

We have over 2/3 acre in this yard.  He doesn't want to move.  So he can help with the work.

And I know that he is going to tell me he has a headache, a back ache, his hips hurt, he is sick to his stomach.....I just don't know which excuse he is going to use.  And I'm ready to tell him that this time, there are no excuses!

Hmm.....wonder who will win this one?  LOL!!

DW

Deliver me from this man.....

My prayer this morning. Need I really say more?  8:02 am and he's already yelling his head off at me.  Why?  Because I stated a political/religious opinion of mine.  Obviously, I am NOT allowed to have any thoughts of my own because if I state them, he goes ballistic.

Yes, he took his insulin shot.

No, he has not had anything to eat.

Is he low?  Most likely.

Is he going to do anything about it?  Well, he just did, didn't he?  Yelling gets his adrenaline flowing which gets his body to push glucose which will raise him up out of his low.

I understand the medical mechanics of this.

But really, truly, beyond any words I can describe.....I am tired of being the brunt of his emotional outbursts.  I am tired of not being allowed to express my thoughts or opinions....or having to remember not to say certain things at certain times of the day because his sugar might be (probably is) low.

So my prayer today is that God will deliver me from this situation - one way or another.  Horribly selfish prayer....but perhaps one of sanity at this moment.

DW

There are worse things...

Well, seriously, at this very instant....my hard drive crashed while on vacation. So I'm trying to install everything on a new drive. My biggest problem?? Finding the software.

He says, " you can't use that, it's my copy.". So I spend an entire day going through everything I can think of....to find HIS copy in HIS closet. The one I started out with this morning was mine. Yes, they are now labeled and I will put all my software in a locked box. But I swear this happens almost daily around here. And rather than have him explode...I simply go on a wild goose chase.

This man never puts anything away. I refuse to touch his office, closet, basement or garage. I just close the doors when company comes.

But in the search today, I came across the 2008 taxes in a drawer with old software manuals....what the heck??? LOL!!! Needless to say I'm now also hunting down all the past taxes and will set up files for all of them. Sigh!

So while software is loading on my laptop, I'm posting from my iPad. I can't copy and paste, but a new reader joined. She said that she loves him and hates him and feels guilty about that. Heck....I go thru those exact feelings multiple times an hour!! I think it's a normal part of our survival process. I constantly remember the guy I fell in love with and married. I grieve the loss of that guy. Anger is part of the grief process which is a normal process. So, no, don't feel bad about having those feelings at all. We all do.

As for depression, I think it is a side effect of this disease. More often than not a diabetic will be depressed as they go through their own grief process with each loss of bodily functions. It is a daily struggle to live with someone who is depressed. Counseling helps. But I have learned that setting goals for myself, having my own interests, friends of my own, time away...helps more than anything else.

I would never give my husband his shots. I have a serious needle phobia and he knows it. But while I know I could administer the shots if I absolutely had to....I'm using this to my advantage. On the other hand, I will not stay home just in case he might need me, want me, be afraid to be alone....I am my own person and this is his disease...not mine!!! I think it's perfectly ok to make them do things for themselves and to make them be alone and do things on their own. If my husband ever decides to quit taking his insulin, he knows that my next call will be to hospice. Maybe that's why he's gotten so much better about taking his meds! LOL!

Ok, back to building a new system. Something worse than diabetes for the moment!!!

Heading home

Ok, get him a wheelchair at the airport!!! Best thing ever. Gets you to the front of the security line. Less time waiting. Less chance of sugar dropping. Less chance of arguments. Just give it a try and you will never go without one again.

Then we found a restaurant where I am serving the net on my iPad and having a Marguerite. I NEVER drink. But I am today. Late evening flights bother me. So much stress. Higher chance the plane is delayed and doesn't get here. Decidedmtoday to handle it with alcohol. LOL!! Should have started drinking at the beginning of our vacation, not the end.

Life will get back to normal tomorrow. While traveling is really hard these days, it's still worth it to spend a week with great friends and just get away from the everyday routine of life. Hope you've had a good week!

DW

Sleep, sweet, sweet sleep!

Being here with his team, I can let go and let them take care of him.  Today, I slept.  Almost all day long.  It was so sweet!  Much needed peaceful rest.  And they left me alone.  Even when they had questions for me, they didn't wake me up and it all went well.

It's been a fun week.  I've done lots of shopping and sightseeing and now it's pouring down rain.  No idea if we will make it to the beach or not.  Don't care as I've decided sleep and rest are more important!

He is eating anything and everything he wants.  But I decided that one week will no kill him.  Let him have a vacation from rules as well.  Yes, we'll pay terribly when we get home, but I think we both need a break from diabetes.  And while we can't really get a total break, we can bend the rules for 7 days.

He is truly enjoying this time with his staff.....and I'm enjoying the rest I'm getting.  As well as the companionship of other wives and all the long talks we are having.

A car crash in the neighborhood last night put a damper on the weekend party.  4 teenagers, drunk, crashed into a tree. One airlifted to a hospital and rumor is that she died, but no confirmation yet.  Another with a broken back.  Makes me appreciate the ease of diabetes, even though there is nothing easy about it.  Puts things in perspective.

In the meantime, I think I'll go take another nap!  LOL!!!

DW

Honesty and diabetes

First - thanks for all the comments on my last post.

Good question - why hasn't there been a study done?

Good answer - because diabetics and their families would not be honest.

It's about as simple as that.

I could never answer questions honestly.  Heck, I can't even identify myself in this blog - for fear that if he ever found out he would be pissed beyond belief.  He would deny that anything I write is true.  And he would hate me for speaking my mind here.  So how could I begin to answer a study truthfully???

And he couldn't possibly give an honest report:

When he's in a low....he doesn't remember anything he says or does.

He's in denial (well, he was until this last hospitalization) about what all is wrong.

He gets terribly confused.  Just tonight, he was telling friends that 5 years ago, he did not have diabetes.  I jsut about fell out of my chair.  I've been blogging about his diabetes for at least 6 years (but of course I couldn't blurt that out!!!)   I sat here and calmly siad, "now, sweetie, 5 years ago is when you started taking insulin shots, but you were taking pills when I met you and that was 12 years ago, and you told me that you have had diabetes since you were 22." He said, "oh yeah, that's right."

But imagine if it were a study and I wasn't there and he said he'd only had this disease 5 years instead of 30?  I just think that sometimes he has no clue what he says to other people!!!

Knowing all this, if someone did do a study, I would have to question it's accuracy and validity.  Because I would know that the diabetic couldn't possibly be reporting accurately....and that the spouse probably had a million reasons why she would have to alter the truth in order to stay with her husband.

Interesting quandry, isn't it?

But I really think that's the bottom line.  If our spouses are abusing us, we write it off to a sugar low or high, to some medical issue and thus, we deny that we are being abused.  So we'd never report it as abuse.....verbal or otherwise.  I mean, I can think of times when he has made me feel so little, so humiliated, so put-down.  He has robbed me of every ounce of self-esteem.  But then there are the moments when the old husband shines through and that's what we all live for.  So we deny everything else.

Truly sad.  But really truly how it happens.

And that's why there are no studies involving spouses.  It would take an impossibly great interviewer who saw past the manipulation, who could reach deep down inside and get the spouse to admist the abuse and get the husband to understand that he is the one who is abusing.  And if the person doing the study is that good......they are already making way too much money to do a study!  LOL!!!

*******

Today was a travel day.  Wheelchairs are wonderful!   We breezed through security at the airport.  We will always use a wheelchair for him from now on.  I'm planning on a week of peaceful rest.  We are staying with friends who are going to take over and take care of him and I will get a break!  Starting tomorrow!  I can't wait!

DW

Diabetic abuse

I truly wish some professional non-diabetic would take this on as a case study.  But I wonder if a diabetic and their families would acknowledge it as a whole.

Here's what I'm thinking.

Most women/wives who are abused deny that they are abused.  Verbal abuse is the use of words that threaten, harshly criticize, ridicule, or harass a person.  It's a pattern of behavior that can seriously interfere with one's positive emotional development and can lead to significant detriment to one's self-esteem, emotional well-being, and physical state.  It has been beenfurther described as an ongoingemotional environment organized by the abuser or the purpose of control.

Emotional abuse - any kind of abuse that is not physical. It can includ constant criticism, intimidation, manipulation, refusal to ever be pleased.  Just google the terms and see what you come up with.

I found this discussion thread and know there are many more of us out there.
and this article about mood swings in men with diabetes.

You can read about anger issues, personality changes, relationship problems and more in discussion threads here

Some days, the more I read, the more "sick-to-my-stomach" I become.  It hurts to rehash what I go through over and over in my own life.

Some days, I am struggling to keep his depression from becoming my depression. And I can barely function.  Let alone try to help someone else.  This is not abuse.  This is me allowing his depression to enter my emotional state.

Some days, his verbal onslaught sends me deep into a shell and no one can reach down and help me up.  That IS verbal abuse towards me.

Some days, I want to flee.  To just run away from everything.  This could be related to abuse, but more likely is related to how I handle the stress of living with a non-compliant diabetic.

Some days, I want to fight.  Fight for his life.  Fight for the life we used to have.  Fight for the life I had before I married him.  Fight him to get him to take better care of himself.  Again, not abuse, but self-imposed reaction to whatever the situation is.

Some days, I spend my entire day/week/month in denial.   Could be related to abuse.  Could be just my way of dealing with his diabetes.

I don't think I'm in denial about diabetic abuse.  It is abuse rendered by the diabetic towards their spouse, children, loved ones.  And it has the very same impact/issues as any other type of abuse.  Even if the diabetic does not remember what he said or did.  Verbal and/or emotional abuse can lead to physical abuse.  Regardless of whether the person is a diabetic or not.    It is when he tries to make me feel less than I am.  It is when he tries verbally to control me or manipulate me.  And I am accutely aware of when he tries to do that and simply address it immediately and tell him that it has to stop, that he does not have the right to verbally abuse me.  And yes, I use those exact words.

No one, diabetic or not, has the right to abuse another person.  And no one needs to allow themselves to be abused by another person.  It really is that simple.

In many abuse situations, the person being abused will not step forward, will not seek help, doesn't understand or know that they are being abused.  They feel that it is all their fault and if they mend their ways, it will stop.

So rule number one for a diabetic spouse.  If he goes into a low and starts verbally abusing you, I think you have 2 options.  1) inform him that he does not have the right to speak to you in that manner and 2) inform him that if it continues, you will leave until he has had time to realize just how valuable you are in his life.  And then if he continues, calmly walk away.

It has worked for me numerous times.  Keep in mind that if my husband ever indicated he was going to become violent in any manner, I would immediately call 911.  After all, my safety, my physical, emotional and mental health are critically important if I am to remain his primary caregiver.

The "battle" continues.....

I am having a great time with my sister this week!

He is pouting and sulking....

She and I started Atkins and we are eating according to the plan.  We offer what we are fixing to him along with bread or something he can get carbs from.

He fixes his own meals or goes to a fast food place and brings it home.

He said, "guess I'm on my own again tonight".

I said, "if you don't want to eat what we fix, then I guess you are"

She and I are talking non-stop about everything.  Making plans to move to the same retirement community.

He is answering any question with a one syllable, one word answer

We are creating and designing

He is sulking and pouting.

This week, I happen to be able to see how hilarious this is.  He is trying to manipulate and control by using his emotions and the more we ignore him, the more he acts out his behavior.  Nothing less than a 10 year old boy!

Last night, I inquired about his glucose.  It's been running 190 - 220.  I asked if he had been reporting his numbers to endocrinology.  He said yes.

Does he not know that I can go online and check this out myself?  Last time he emailed her was 3/27/11.   I also found out that he has not emailed his personal physician like he said he would do.

So I cannot help him.  There is no help.  He is back to his old tricks and the only thing I can do is ignore him.  And I swear, when he goes into that diabetic coma....I will not be the one who calls 911.  Yes, it is beyond frustrating, but I have been living like this for 12 years and it's time it stops.  He has taken away so much of my life and it's time to get it back.

Today, we are off to have a very special lunch with an elderly couple.  He is going.  He refused to eat breakfast of any kind.  I'm sure he is planning to gorge himself at lunch.  Then we are driving another hour to drop my sister off - meeting up with her husband.  I will certainly miss her.  But the weekend is here and next week we are off to the beach for a much needed vacation.  Yep, more on my anticipatory fears of TSA pat downs coming soon!  LOL!!!

DW

Ignoring him....is it better or worse???

My sis and her hubby arrived Saturday and my Hubbard was in a horrible snit. I decided to ignore him! Sunday morning found my brother-in-law repairing our gas fireplace and hubby was in his office fiddling on his computer. I walked in and said, "he came down here to visit with you. You need to be out there helping him."

Hubby said he wanted to work on his computer. I said, you can do that late, now get out there and help!

So, they got the fireplace working again. Then they got the rails on the back deck tightened. Then we got a stain glass window out of an upper level window. They got the battery replaced on hubby's sportscar. We got their iPods hooked up and working. it was one thing after another all day long. Brother in law left this morning, but sis is spending the week. Hubby is sore and exhausted and still just totally grumpy. He went to bed at 6 pm. I taught sis how to do eBay and craigslist today. I think we listed 20 auctions. Watched a movie tonight. Got a walk in...down and around the lake and back. It is so wonderful to actually be doing things!

I have decided that all of hubby's doctors have released him with no follow ups for a year. So until one of them decides there is a problem, then there is no problem. And he is just going to have to chin up and start carrying his weight around here.

Tomorrow sis and I are going shopping. Will be another fun day!!

In the meantime, hubby is pissed and answering questions with one word, refusing to get engaged in conversations...trying hard to punish me. It's just not working!

Dw

An optimistic morning

Feeling much better today. Having success with eBay helps....but the excuse to get out of the house and go to the post office to mail packages is great! Drove through the park and decided that life is great and today will be glorious!!

Finished cleaning the house. I love a clean house! The younger dog puked and I had to clean it up....but managed to keep my cheerful mood.

Hubby is in a vile, foul mood for sure. But I am ignoring him as well. I've decided I deserve one whole day of happiness and today is it!!

Off to my studio to be artistic and creative and enjoy the day! Hope you can find reason to enjoy yours as well!

Dw

I cannot write today

I am too tired, depressed, sad, worn out, exhausted, weary

It's what diabetes and all of it's multitude of side effects have done to me.

I am so tired of dusting and cleaning around all the crap that he has accumulated, all the possessions that he needs to keep, all the things he buys when he is in a low and then never ever uses, but refuses to part with.

I am depressed over the quantity of things that he refuses to part with.  How could we ever move?  I couldn't even show the house. His office, our bedroom, the basement, garage....all stacked to the brim with crap.

I am so sad that it has come to this - that life crept up on us and neither of us have the physical strength to lift an item and get it to the curb for someone else to take away.

I am worn out just thinking about everything that has to get done to get us into a one level house.

I am so exhausted I just want to sit and cry.

I am weary. HIS disease has done this to me. Weary of how our life has turned out.  Weary of life itself.

But tomorrow is a new day and I will get up and put that smile back on my face. I will swallow all of this and head out into the day all loving and supportive.  My sister and her husband are coming for a visit, so I will clean the house and cook the meals and entertain as though life is wonderful.

But right now, at this moment....I am all of the above.

And I thought I was too tired to write. Hmmm....you just never know!  :o)

DW

4:40 am

His bp is 154/90 and his heart rate is 134.  Throbbing headache.  He said, "I want to go back on the atenolol."

I said, "your cardiologist said she will put you on a different med, we just need to call her first thing when they open."

He said, "ok, just hear me out.  Every time they put me on a new drug, I have all kinds of problems.  We are getting ready to go on vacation. I just want to go back on the atenolol until we get back, then we can call her and tell her what's going on."

And I know he is right.  I know that with blood pressure meds there is always some kind of side affect.  So I said, "well, if you go back on, then just start with 1/2 pill now, and another 1/2 tomorrow."

He took the 1/2 pill and is snoring already!!!  Me? Wide awake for the duration of the day, I'm sure!

But the really great thing - he discussed it first.  And I honestly hate the idea of him self-medicating, yet I know what it's like to go through drug changes.

My youngest son has seizures.  At age 26, when he has one now, he ends up in the hospital.  This last time, when the seizure knocked him out and he passed out, he went down on his knees and broke a kneecap.  When he was 16 years old, he was in the hospital for SIX weeks as they brought him down off of his childhood meds and converted him to dilantin.  A horrible process.

My oldest son, age 32, has had asthma his entire life and that poor guy has tried every asthma medication in the world and I have sat with him time and time and time again when he could not get oxygen into his system.....because some drug they tried out jsut did not work.

And now - a diabetic husband who they want to take off atenolol because it processes through the kidneys.  Remember, when his kidneys shut dowon in the hospital, they took him off this same drug cold-turkey.  No wonder his heart rate was at 130 for 4 days in a row!  But did that doctor even mention to us that they had stopped this drug?

And why would his cardiologist ever even think that she could stop this drug?  The man has had high blood pressure forever.  Are they wanting him dead?  Or are they just wanting us to go through more grief here at home?

So, yes, while it is against my better judgement for him to go back on this drug, I completely understand his thinking.  What's 3 more weeks?  Go back on it and have one last (hopefully) pleasant vacation and then deal with everything when we get home.

Moving day is coming.....but no time soon.

Tom’s Wife wrote:  Oh gosh! this is probably the absolute wrong thing to say but does the VA help pay for someone to come in and help you? I know he would hate it but too bad if he is going to do stupid stuff like this? he needs someone who doesn't love him so much to watch over him hope that doesn't sound mean but its meant to sound supportive -- of you!

Sorry, but hubby is not a veteran.  We can get homecare through his insurance, but only when it is to keep him out of the hospital.  Everything else is self-pay.

Sar wrote:

OMG, that is the limit!!!! I think if I receive that call, I would have dialed 911 as I ran toward him. I would not have asked him if he wanted to go to RT. He would be going. No questions asked. I certainly am not trained or equiped to deal with this situation. Let the pros do it. By doing something like this, he would have waived his rights to call the shots. You should not have to clean up after him like this.

Well, Sar, our agreement is that we call hospice, not the hospital!  In the meantime, I do the work.  Just another reason I am wanting to move out of this place and get closer to my family as I can get breaks from him that way

Newtothis said: DW, What an awful day. Being a mom I can deal with a kid's vomit and what can come out of the other end, but another adult? For some reason that is completely different for me. How in the world did your's drink Caladrl? I get they are both pink but come on. One bottle is round and the other like a triangle. Just how much did he drink before he realized? A couple of months ago when my DH was given pain pills (Lortabs) I took a blue sharpie and marked the front of the bottle and the lid so my far-sighted DH wouldn't grab the wrong bottle and think it was his Metformin. The bottles are the exact same size and the pills are similar. I could see him taking the wrong pill in the morning and passing out at work. When he saw what I had done he laughed and told me, "Thank you." I pray tomorrow is a better day. S

I could never even deal with my own kid’s vomit!  I would gag and snort and vomit myself while cleaning it up. It was just horrible.  I think hubby was so sick he was just grabbing for anything.  He was looking for pink, not even thinking shape or size.  I think that’s a pretty common thing diabetics do when ill – not think.  He said he had taken a couple of gulps.  Hubby has had both corneas transplanted and wears hard lense over soft lenses to see.  So when he takes out his contacts, he couldn’t even see a blue marker on a bottle – he is completely blind.  So I guess I’m not surprised about him grabbing something pink. 

He is much better today.  I think it just scared the crap out of him.  He has thanked me over and over and I simply reply by telling him that the next time, he WILL call someone else to come take care of him.  Of course, we both know I will do it, but it sure feels good to tell him otherwise!

We have been talking about what to do with his anemia.  He has agreed to talk to a realtor.  So now, I need to get the house in good enough shape to have a realtor come by.  I’ve got a friend who’s hubby works in a box factory and I’m trying to get ahold of her to get some boxes to start packing things into.  I’m hoping to get our realtor friend over here within a week.  If nothing else, we will get a feeling for the market.  In the meantime, we have to sit tight and wait for his corporation to offer a retirement package.  They usually do it once a year, but we have no idea if/when it might be this year.  Things could happen almost overnight…..or it could take a couple of years.  But he has agreed we need to move into a one level house.  He’s having trouble getting his laundry downstairs.  I told him I’d find him a much smaller laundry basket and we’ll just do it more often. 

Tomorrow, I get the “thrill” of cleaning out his closet!  LOLOL!!!  The first of many steps to downsizing in order to get us moved.  I can’t wait! (said with tongue in cheek….if you could only see inside his closet!!!)

DW

Leaving and staying

an email from a reader who made the choice to leave:


Ya know...I have been reading your columns for quite some time.  I have been married for 23 years to a non compliant diabetic. I have supported him and tried to get him on the right track for years.  It seems to be a dominos effect.  He is continually tired, crabby and I have too much to offer in life to stick with him any longer.  I am happy to say, I have asked for a divorce 2 weeks ago and haven't been happier.  I am in the process of getting my own place.  He is devastated and wants another chance. Too late for me...he has had many chances for 23 years.  I have not been happier about my decision.  Yes, I have 3 teenage children and altho they are not surpised, one is very angry at me.  I do realize it is a phase and it too will pass.  My happiness means more to me than living in misery and being mentally exhausted.  I was under the name Susie for awhile when posting. That is my update!! Happiness is everything is my motto!!! 


You know, I truly hate it when a marriage ends for any reason. But I completely admire this gal for sticking it out for 23 years with a non-compliant diabetic.  She emailed me subsquently and said the he begged her to stay, started counseling and quit.  If I had even one child at home, I probably wouldn't be here as I would never subject them to the rages of a diabetic low or high.  


Another reader that is staying wrote this:

My DH has coronary disease (had open heart surgery), hep C,fibromyalgia, sleep apnea, hepatic encephalopathy (dementia), joint damage, leaky bowel syndrome with chronic inflammation, respiratory allergies, and complete denial of his diabetic needs. Last fall he was diagnosed with cirrhosis and told he shouldn't take anything for pain if he can help it, that he probably isn't a safe candidate for the hip replacement and rotator cuff surgery he needs, and that he is a poor risk for a liver transplant which he will likely need in 1-2 years.  It's not uncommon for him to range from 55 to 486 in a day. His dr is happy if he can just stay in the high 100s. But of course that won't happen when he cannot (will not?) eat sanely or push himself to exercise even a little. Yet I can't really blame him given how much pain he lives with.

It is so hard to know he is dying slowly and there's really nothing I can do except take the obvious steps in an acute situation like a Low, and (as you do) save myself. Despite the nasty mood swings and other unpleasantries of his illness, the guy adores me and I still love him - we will celebrate 28 years of marriage next month. He has been a faithful husband but for his love affair with Death. She keeps trying to steal him from me, and he won't stop flirting with her. One day she will win.

 It's hard not to sound like a sad country song sometimes! Lol - lately I've been humming a lyric that says: " I can't love you any more." I can love him always, but no more than I do or can, and eventually I'll be loving a memory of him. In some ways it is already like that, because his illnesses have changed him so much.  No amount of my love can fill the emptiness and pain he lives with. Accepting that, and letting go of my craving need to fight for him, is the biggest challenge I've ever faced.

Thanks so much for listening. I'm not in a cheery place often these days so your posts really help me. Maybe one day I will be able to rise above the sadness as you do. 

I remembered this writer as someone who used to email me awhile back. I was so happy to hear from her again, but agast at the list of complications her hubby has.  But she has one single strong statement in the middle of this.....

"it is so hard to know that he is dying slowly and there's really nothing I can do except takethe obvious steps in an acute situation like a low...."

and

"his love affair with Death. Shekeeps trying to steal him from me, and he won't stop flirting with her.  One day she will win."

I know this is the common bond that we all share.  We don't say it, but we know it.  She is an elloquent writer and should blog, but I also know how hard it is to write about this life on a daily/weekly basis.  It is not easy.  And I think it may be the very reason we make the choice to leave, or to stay.

DW

Just what is the "final straw?"

I'm sitting here wondering about this.  What is the "final straw"? When is too much enough?  How do you know when the moment has arrived that you just can't take it another moment?

I am truly so exhausted, tired, and completely, utterly worn out from being his caregiver.  Not just since January of this year when he had the spinal fusion surgeries.....this started in February 2009 when we first thought he might have had a heart attack.  I have been his caregiver ever since.

Today, I got a bit of a break.  I thought he was upstairs sleeping. I was downstairs watching a movie.  He called me on his cell phone and said he was really sick.  I quickly ran up the stairs.  He had been feeling like he was going to vomit and reached inside the medicine cabinet for what he thought was a bottle of pepto bismol (pink) and instead, mistakenly grabbed the bottle of caladryl lotion (pink) and gulped it down.

I called poison control.  It says to do that on the bottle.  I keep the lotion as it's the only thing that works on me when I get poison ivy.  So poison control says they don't think that he took enough to harm himself.  Then she asked me if he was a basically healthy person and when I got done with the list of all his problems and all his meds......she was singing her own tune!  She wanted him to eat and then vomit.

Which he has done non stop for the last hour and a half.

So much so that the toilet has plugged up and I've had to get him a bucket to vomit in, then take it down the hall to the other bathroom to dump.

I just want to give up.  Really, truly, completely, totally.  I want to run away as fast and as far as I can go.

Now, remember, his cardiologist (the new doc who hadn't seen him before) wants him to taper his atenolol.  He was supposed to cut it in half for 5 days and then go off. So I asked him about that.  He cut it in half Wed, Thurs and Fri nights, then nothing last night.  Could he be having atenolol withdrawal symptoms?

His fever is up to 101.3 - not a symptom of atenol withdrawal.  His BP is up to 147/83.  It's usually 110/70. His heart rate is 115 and it's usually 70.  He is vomiting. Rapid breating.  Miserable as a dog.

I asked him if he wants to go to the ER.  No
I asked if he wants to call his doctor  No

He hasn't had a thing to eat since 10 am this morning except for a few crackers this evening.  His glucose is 220, but he hasn't taken his evening insulin.

Not a whole lot I can do.  Except just keep breathing myself - one minute to the next.
+++++++++

Sandy, in answer to your comment from yesterday.  Hubby has never once adjusted his insulin for what he eats.  He takes 14 U in the morning (at whatever time he decides to take it) and another 12 U at night (again - whenever).  It's the Humulin R-U500 concentrated, and before surgery it was 32 in the am and 20 at night.  He has never adjusted for anything.  That's why I consider him to be non-compliant.  He refuses to learn about adjusting it.

DW - having another rough day on this roller coaster ride we call "life".

The "sugar" holidays

Yep, I'm going to take the liberty and rename all of them.....starting with tomorrow.  It's....
Candy easter
Pie 4th of July
Candy halloween
Cake thanksgiving
Candy christmas
Cake birthday
Alcohol new year's eve

Is there any "holiday" not related to having something sweet???  Maybe I should retitle all of these as diabetes hell holidays?  :o)

Not to mention that we get to have 8 or 9 birthdays per year with the grandkids, and maybe 2 or 3 of each holiday event considering who is where and when.

Oh, and you think my non-compliant diabetic husband is going to NOT eat something sweet?  Sigh!

I'm still trying to figure out which holiday is the worst and I do believe it is the christmas one as it seems to be the longest.

I no longer celebrate any of the holidays here in our house.  I refuse to buy candy or cake or pie.  But there's no end to the supply others will set out for him.....and they all know he is a diabetic who can't control what he eats!

Just my rant this morning!!!

As for the comments from yesterday about getting him in for a second consult...  Remember, this is a guy who will go 2 years without seeing any doctor.  The only reason he is going right now is they are all labeled "post op".  The one year visits will still be "post op" so he will go to those.  He is not about to get a second opinion.  The one shot we had is all I will ever get out of him.  He told the cardiologist that he does not want to take meds for depression and she did not argue with him (but then she doesn't know him either - first time to see her).

That's what this is all about - living with a non-compliant diabetic. OK, a non-compliant non- healthy person because he would be this way about anything that went wrong with him, diabetes or not.  Just makes it a little bit more difficult since he's had his diabetes so long and so many things seem to be going wrong right now.

My mantra - one day at a time, on step at a time.

DW

Cardio visit

Remember we went to the family doc over him being so tired and he said to ask the nephrologist....who said to ask the cardiologist....who is on sabbatical, so we saw someone new who doesn't even know about everything he just went through.

I have never been so frustrated and he is beyond upset.

No answers.

Well, the consensus answer is that he should wait a YEAR and see if he is any better.

He has slept almost all day and all night since
Wednesday. He's also cold. Really cold. I got blankets out as if we turn up the heat I will melt!!

No one wants to do labs for 2 more months.

I'm teaching again tomorrow, so I'll have a great day!,

Dw

A happy wife makes a happy husband"

Just got back from mom's.  Had a great time.  My youngest sister is a riot.  She has a motto:

"A happy wife makes a happy husband and that makes a happy life"!!!

I think I'm going to print that out, frame it, post it in several locations throughout the house.

Do you think he might get the message?  And I will be a happy wife if he becomes a compliant diabetic!

My sister really is that way.  She's sister # 3.  Sis # 2 had been to see her this past weekend.  Hubby of Sis # 2 says to boyfriend of Sis # 3, "don't sell your snowmobiles.....we need to take a trip together!"

Sis # 3 turns to Sis # 2 and says, "how about you and I go to Las Vegas the same time?"

Boyfriend of sis # 3 turns to husband of sis # 2 and says, "I will sell my snowmobiles!"

He gets it!  And he's not married to her (but they are living together).  He understands the concept that if he keeps her happy, he will be happy!!!  OK, I also think that he didn't want her going off partying in Las Vegas!  But he gets it!

I think I'm going to start a training program for my husband and use this "new" logo a little more often around here!

Sis # 3 also has this sign in her kitchen:  "I cook 3 meals:  leftover, microwave and take out!"

The sign in my kitchen says, "I have a kitchen because it came with the house!"

LOLOL!!!!!

We're off to see his cardiologist.  Will post that visit tonight.

DW - wanting to be a happy wife with a happy life!

Welcome Sar!

Sar has joined the blogging circle, I've added her blog to the links over on the right.

Here's what she wrote:

I am also married to a noncompliant diabetic who has the complication of gastroparesis. He has constant stomach problems and needs multiple medications and care diet which he refuses to comply with.

he is needle phobic and refuses to inject himself. i am trapped having to be with him to inject hima and get no help or understanding from the medical establishment.

He rages and is depressed and has terrible anxiety. he can not or will not work. He has not worked for 10 years and I have to do it all.

I have been married to him for almost 40 years.

This sisterhood has saved my sanity. I know that I am not alone.
Thank you and keep on blogging we need you.

I think you may be my hero!  How on earth have you managed 40 years with a needle-phobic non-compliant diabetic????? I know - just one minute at a time, huh?  

I popped over to read your blog. And I have a confession to make.  Two of my other girlfriends and I find great "therapy" when we get together by talking about the "book" we are going to write "one day". The title is going to be "Death by chocolate and other fine things."  One of the gals has a husband who has really severe heart problems and he eats steak and french fries - everything he's not supposed to eat.  The other girlfriend's husband has liver cancer and will not give up beer.  And then there's my hubby who today, ate an entire cinnamon pizza that HE ordered!  So, you see, it's not just diabetics who are non-compliant.  The 3 of us have decided when it gets really bad, we ae going to start feeding them sugar, fried foods and beer and speed up the process.  Now, don't get me wrong.....this is simply a joke that helps each of us get through the moment.  But I swear, I have some moments when I think it's a pretty good idea!

I loved your voodoo economics blog.  Absolutely excellent!  Thank you!  I thought your were writing about me. It's all so utterly, completely true.  Everything you write has or is happening to us. 

My last blog was about marrying for health insurance.  I think the biggest shock of my life was when I sat down and figured out how much hubbys medical bills out of pocket were each month....and I think we have pretty good insurance.  I was astounded. Then I was so pissed off.  All that money for him and like you said, I give up everything. My sister trims my hair.  I do my own nails.  I buy my clothes at thrift stores.  I can't tell you when we got new sheets or towels.  The one thing I will "splurge" on is my shoes.  OK, nothing fancy.  I usually by Merrels or Asic Gels.  But I had a bone spur about 10 years ago and once I got that cleared up, I simply will not let my feet go again.  But I have not bought a new pair of shoes in 2 years.  Sigh.  I just buy new insoles these days.

I hope you will continue to write about your experiences. I think it helps each of us to feel connected, and not so alone.  

**************

I've set up a block over on the right where anyone can click and email me directly.  Of course, it's an anonymous yahoo email that I continue to forget to check.  I will try to do better!

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So, aside from downing an entire cinnamon sugar pizza today, he slept over half the day. Said he had nightmares last night in which he was dead.  Interesting.  I wonder what drug is causing all the nightmares - they seem to be increasing.  So he doesn't sleep at night, but sleeps all day.  

I am taking a mini bread now that he can drive. I haven't been to see my mom since December, so I'm off to visit her the next couple of days.  It's only 3 hours away and I will get to visit my youngest sister as well.  Will be a great escape from all this!

DW