Day in and day out - life goes on

Have I become numb to living with diabetes?  And is that just ok?  Sometimes I wonder!  My sister was here yesterday and our truck was done at the shop.  He comes out and asks me if I want to take him to get it.  I said, "when we're done with our visit."  I thought my tone was pleasant - I was enjoying my sister's company.  He immediately turned snarky and said, "you don't have to if you don't want to." and walked out the door to the mail box.

I looked at my sister with nothing but sorry in my eyes.  Sorrow that she had to see him get in a snit because I didn't jump at his command!  But she knows - she gets it.  He came back in the house and I said, "would it be ok if I take my sister to lunch, then home, and when I get back we can go get the truck?"  and he said "whatever" in his snarky voice and stomped off to his room.

Such a 10-year-old snit - not getting what he wanted the moment he wanted it.

Was he in a bit of a sugar low?

Not too long ago, his glucose went down to 50.  We were out camping.  It was 2:30 am.  I woke up to him falling back onto his bed.  I asked what was wrong.  He told me his sugar was down to 50 and asked if I had tootsie rolls.  Of course, he already knew that I did - that was his way of telling me he wanted me to get them for him.  I said, "where are your glucose tabs?"  He said, "in the truck".  So of course I got up and got him the tootsie rolls and saw that he had just ate a banana.

And then I was awake the rest of the night and yep, he went right back to sleep.  I was awake wondering in my head- what if I hadn't gone to the grocery just that morning and brought back bananas and tootsie rolls along with the other groceries.  What if I didn't have anything sweet at all in the travel trailer?  I would have had to put my clothes on, go out to the truck, find his glucose tabs?  Why couldn't he pre-plan for this?  Why hadn't he brought his glucose tabs back to the trailer?  WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM???

And I keep going back to the single thought - not my disease.  But I doubt he will EVER take care of himself.

Is he getting a touch of dementia.  Diabetics with this late stage kidney failure can do that.  Is he getting a touch of alzheimers?  That can happen as well.  What are the signs and symptoms that I need to be looking for?

His gastroparentesis continues to develop.  His stomach has times when it is so bloated an brick hard.

His upper legs are "blown up" and brick hard.  I googled that.  Lipohypertrophy.  Don't you just love adding words to your vocabulary?  He's switched to injecting in his stomach.  2 times a day, 365 days per year, 14 years.....10220 injections.  Something was bound to happen.

And I know that he is a prime candidate for a heart attack or stroke.  In my last post - 2 months ago, he had had his labs.  His doc called and wanted him to have an ultrasound done because his BUN is high.  36.  But remember, it's been as high as 63 in the past.  The doc said that there might be a tumor in his kidney.  So he scheduled an ultrasound and that doc told him that he needed a CT scan first.  Hubby emailed his nephrologist thinking this new doc, a subcontractor to our insurance company, might be trying to rip off our insurance company with unnecessary tests.  He's not heard back from the nephrologist.

I'm not pressing this issue.  I doubt there's a tumor anywhere.  It's just an elimination step in the process.  They need to eliminate that possibility before moving on.  My research shows me that you can also have an increase in your BUN if your heart is not working.  It's not pumping enough blood through the kidneys to filter (clean) the blood.  

It's almost a catch 22 situation.  The heart doesn't pump enough blood through the kidneys to filter it.  So the toxins (protein) stay in the blood and accumulate to a higher level.  The damaged kidneys already are having trouble filtering the blood and now the heart isn't pumping hard enough to allow the kidneys to do their job.

But what would they do for his heart?  When he had his bypass surgery 9 years ago, they wanted to do 5 bypasses and could not find enough healthy veins and only did 3.  He didn't grow new healthy veins in the past 9 years with his A1c going from 9 to 12 and back down to 8.  I doubt they could do bypass surgery and he's said he will never go through that again.  I'm pretty sure his kidneys would fail since they failed with his last surgery.  I'm not sure his kidney function would allow them to do surgery at this point.

So why get the ultrasound done?  And I think that's where he's at with everything.  He simply has to know his prognosis....or be in such intense denial that it's a protective denial.

Those of us as family members, as caregivers, are the ones who truly suffer the most.  It's hard to deny anything when your spouse is having a sugar crash and needs candy, glucose tabs...whatever.  You just go into an automatic pilot mode and do what's necessary and then spend the rest of the night wide awake while they get their sleep!  Almost funny!  But not quite....

I know it's getting close to the end for him.  On the other hand, I could easily go first.  We have been camping and are planning more trips.  It keeps us busy.  Hopefully we are leaving in a week and will have a 3-week long adventure with some ocean time.  I find when we are camping, I take long afternoon naps.  I take long morning walks.  I enjoy nature.  I come home rested.  It's what I need at this phase of our lives.

DW