Liar again

I've noticed the past several days that he is back to taking a 6 pm shot. So tonight when he went upstairs to take it before dinner, I asked him when he changed back to 3 shots? He said, "I never quit."

Thinking how he often twists the questions I ask to give me the answer he wants, I said, "you said awhile back that you were quitting the 6 pm shot."

He said no, that he has always taken 3 shots a day.

So I found my blog where I noted he was changing to 2 shots a day:

"Creatinine level"

And I swear that he did quit the 6 pm shot...in fact I know he did.

So why lie? Did he really forget that he quit taking them? Can he not remember telling me he quit taking them? Maybe he quit for just a few days....but I seriously think it was more than a few weeks.

Either he lied back then or he is lying now.

Just makes me want to say "I don't care...do what you want with your life".

Problem is that when he goes on dialysis, if I'm still married to him, I will be the one taking care of him. And I honestly do care what he does because it has a huge impact on the quality of our life together.

Sigh. Maybe I should take up boxing so I'd have something to punch!!! OK, just kidding..I'm way too old for boxing!

Time to see a counselor

Me. Yes, I've requested an appointment to get some counseling as I know I need help. He has just started to lie about everything. Today, he said he had errands to run. I know it's not errands...he's going to the doctors. And he's not telling me because he knows I want to go...and if I go, then I will know what they have told him...and if I don't go, then he can lie to me.

So I asked him if he had ever gotten in to see the Endocrinologist. He said no, they sent him back to the nutritionist who changed his insulin.

!. When did he go to the nutritionist? Because he sure didn't tell me about that visit.
2. She is the person who first changed his insulin...upped it to 3 shots a day. His MD changed it back to 2 shots a day. We jsut seem to be on a merry-go-round with this. He bounces from one doc to another and each one changes his meds. That's why I want him to get into an endo....as they can then be the one to oversee all the changes in his meds.
3. His HMO is self referral. He can call an endo and get an appointment. So why on earth doe he think I'm going to believe that "they" sent him to the nutritionist?

I am just so sick and tired of all of this that I called and requested an appointment today. I need help in accepting his lies. I need help in knowing when to speak up and when to shut up. Today...I'm just so dang tired that I can't even think about it...past the fact that I know I need help.

I just don't even want to be in the same room with him. I just look at him and think "liar". I try so hard to rationalize that this is his choice. He has made a choice to live his life exactly as he wants and I have no input into it. My option is to sit here and watch him kill himself. Oh yes, note: He sat here yesterday and ate piece after piece of chocolate candy and today, he ate 2 whole chocolate bars, 4 slices of pizza and had fast food for lunch. He won't eat a thing that I offer to fix him....tonight was grilled chicken. He pulled out a frozen pizza. Sigh.

I know I'm starting to get angry and bitter. I'm tired of biting my tongue, but if I say anything, I know it will just end in a huge fight. And I know I'm tired because he is not using the cpap and I'm not sleeping at night. Think tonight I'll just stay on the sofa. It's hard on my back....but at least I sleep.

At this rate, he may well outlive me. I'm hoping that tomorrow, I can get back to my usual happy self.

A friend said to me today that we marry "til death do us part". So I asked her if that had to apply if the other party was intentionally bringing on their own death. She looked at me so stunned and said, "good question. no answer"

Perhaps that is how it is to be....there is no answer for those of us who live with this disease, but do not have this disease.