Why do I stay? I love the highs and hate the lows? The never ending roller coaster when I don't know whether to jump off or stay on? I just don't know.
Seems we are in a low right now. He is having severe headaches today and everything has him upset. I should have posted yesterday, but I almost knew he would provoke a fight tonight and go to dinner with his group without me. I can read him like a book. He just did not want me there. So rather than just say that, he came home with a headache, yelled at me, and left without me. No biggie....I took my sis to the movies tonight and we had a great time. Came home and he is in bed so I came down to the studio for awhile.
What I don't know is when is it just him, when is it a sugar low, when is it a bad reaction to new prescriptions? What I do know is that in another week or 2, we will be out of this and back to a normal routine.
So, I'm just going to say it. He's having his group here Sunday for superbowl. No one else's spouses will be here. I'm sure he doesn't want me here. So I'm going to assume that Sunday morning he will provoke another argument so great that it will piss me off and I will walk out. HA! What he has forgotten is that we have a houseguest all next week and I have to go pick her up at the airpot at noon on Sunday. Should I just go ahead and remind him that I won't be here. No, I think I will wait and see if my forecast comes true. He is just so predictable it's almost funny.
There are those who would say this is just a bad person behaving badly. But I still tend to think that these cycles come and go and it all ties around what is going on inside of him. He is truly swollen and puffy this week, retaining fluids again, and has a gout infection in his hand. He's on additonal antibiotics for that, has eaten every single meal out this week and seems to be hell bent on his own personal destruction.
Maybe I'll sleep on the sofa tonight just to get some rest. I'm sure he won't have the cpap on when I go to bed. I'm sure he will have the restless leg syndrome all night long. Am I being cynical? Perhaps. Or maybe I'm just laying it out like it is. At any rate....I just wonder how much longer I'll be willing and/or able to stay on this ride. Right now, I'm pretty tired of it.
Friday, February 01, 2008
My stress on his stress!
I can't handle much more of his stress this week...my stress is getting too high! LOL! Oh dear, let me make some notes here. He has an annual unofficial team meeting for his staff at work. It's about 2000 miles from here. So this weekend, everyone is coming here for what they are calling a "pre-planning meeting". They all have to pay their own way...totally unofficial. And he has been in a complete mood all week long.
My sis is here visiting. Well, rather, she is stuck here as her car is in the shop getting repairs. The second day she was here, she said, "he looks bad. He looks really bad." He is totally swollen and all puffy again, but we did this 3 or 4 months ago when everyone who saw him thought he would be dead the next day, but he wasn't. He does look like he's gained another 20 pounds at least. And I'm sure he is just miserable and has the stress of his staff being here.
Last night, he came home after a dinner with them. He just snipped at both of us. He barely looks at me...absolutely no communication with anyone, just goes to bed and turns the TV on. Sigh.
This morning, again, nothing. I asked quietly if he was ok and he just snapped at me. So yeah, just leave him alone and let him get through this on his own. They have an event tonight, an all day long event tomorrow, then here all day Sunday to watch the super bowl. So I'm busy cleaning the house, getting ready to have them all over here on Sunday. Do you hear my huge sighs? I'll just go get lost in my studio for the day...it will be fine.
But this stress that he is going through....it's just not worth the stress it's causing me. And I'm sure he just wants to make sure his staff has a great time while they are all here. Maybe it's really time for him to retire...or at least consider disability.
He is not eating properly at all. I think he has had every meal out this week with the team. And no sight in end for that until Monday. He has not been using the cpap at night, so I'm sure his lack of solid rest is not helping him at all.
I am giving up for the moment. Will just try to get through the rest of the weekend and see where we are on Monday. Hope your spouses are doing better than mine this week.
DW
My sis is here visiting. Well, rather, she is stuck here as her car is in the shop getting repairs. The second day she was here, she said, "he looks bad. He looks really bad." He is totally swollen and all puffy again, but we did this 3 or 4 months ago when everyone who saw him thought he would be dead the next day, but he wasn't. He does look like he's gained another 20 pounds at least. And I'm sure he is just miserable and has the stress of his staff being here.
Last night, he came home after a dinner with them. He just snipped at both of us. He barely looks at me...absolutely no communication with anyone, just goes to bed and turns the TV on. Sigh.
This morning, again, nothing. I asked quietly if he was ok and he just snapped at me. So yeah, just leave him alone and let him get through this on his own. They have an event tonight, an all day long event tomorrow, then here all day Sunday to watch the super bowl. So I'm busy cleaning the house, getting ready to have them all over here on Sunday. Do you hear my huge sighs? I'll just go get lost in my studio for the day...it will be fine.
But this stress that he is going through....it's just not worth the stress it's causing me. And I'm sure he just wants to make sure his staff has a great time while they are all here. Maybe it's really time for him to retire...or at least consider disability.
He is not eating properly at all. I think he has had every meal out this week with the team. And no sight in end for that until Monday. He has not been using the cpap at night, so I'm sure his lack of solid rest is not helping him at all.
I am giving up for the moment. Will just try to get through the rest of the weekend and see where we are on Monday. Hope your spouses are doing better than mine this week.
DW
Monday, January 28, 2008
Communication
How do you communicate with someone who is having a sugar low? Do you yell at them trying to snap them back into reality? Do you just walk away knowing that nothing is going to work? Do you talk to them in soothing tones thinking it will all get better?
I like to mix it up and try different things, but I swear, yelling is what works best. He seems to "snap out of it" and get back to reality. I haven't quite figured out yet if it's the tone of my voice, if it jars him back to earth, or what...but it does seem to work.
This evening, I think he was so low, he was nearly passed out. He was laying on the sofa and did not respond to anything. I shook his shoulder..nothing. I raised my voice, nothing. I yelled at him and he slowly turned his head to look at me and started to talk. I asked him if he was OK and he said he didn't think so, so we got him something to eat. Note...I had been out all day and I don't think he ate breakfast or lunch. Sigh.
You would think that this grown man could fix himself somethin to eat when I am not here. But alas, seems he can't even warm up leftovers!
It's 6:48 pm and he has gone to bed. My sis is here and she thinks he could have a heart attack any day. I think he could like this another 30 years. Just asking these questions of myself...I think I will continue to yell at him when he doesn't respond as it seems to work..for now.
I like to mix it up and try different things, but I swear, yelling is what works best. He seems to "snap out of it" and get back to reality. I haven't quite figured out yet if it's the tone of my voice, if it jars him back to earth, or what...but it does seem to work.
This evening, I think he was so low, he was nearly passed out. He was laying on the sofa and did not respond to anything. I shook his shoulder..nothing. I raised my voice, nothing. I yelled at him and he slowly turned his head to look at me and started to talk. I asked him if he was OK and he said he didn't think so, so we got him something to eat. Note...I had been out all day and I don't think he ate breakfast or lunch. Sigh.
You would think that this grown man could fix himself somethin to eat when I am not here. But alas, seems he can't even warm up leftovers!
It's 6:48 pm and he has gone to bed. My sis is here and she thinks he could have a heart attack any day. I think he could like this another 30 years. Just asking these questions of myself...I think I will continue to yell at him when he doesn't respond as it seems to work..for now.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Keeping a diary.
Carly wrote:
mY EX BOYFRIEND (WE BROKE UP LAST WEEK) suffers with diabetes type 1 for 20 years. He decided to break up with me because he suffers from depression and he cannot think of anything else but his condition. I am 34 and he is 39 and he is also scared of having children, that was another reason for breaking up with me, he says I deserve better than this. He is a gorgeous great person, but his diabetes is a great problem influencing his life and relationships. I was very much in love but he decided to save me from having to deal with his problems. He isolates himself because of the disease. I am heartbroken and devastated, but reading your diary gave me some support, cause I think it would be vey difficult to have a life with someone who suffers from that. I was willing to stick by his side but he just gave up on us and relationships in general (so he says). I feel really sorry for you but hang in there, there is always a p[urpose for things to happen in life. I hope you find a way of copying with him and honestly most diabetics suffer from depression and therapy would be great for both of you.
xx C.
I truly understand the feelings of a love lost. And I do know what it is to live with a diabetic who has bouts of depression. I think my hubby has decided that loneliness is worse than depression. But he went through a phase where he had to make that choice. He was married before for 22 years. He had 2 kids. Diabetes is inherit in his family. His daughter is hospitalized at least once a month for painful kidney stones and had cysts on her ovaries and had both of them removed. Both of her conditions are pre-diabetic. She will never be able to have kids. His son is also showing signs of pre-diabetes and has gone on a very strict diet trying to prevent it....but can he? My husband's father and grandfather were both diabetics.
I think the fact that his kids have these problems just adds to his depression.
It is not an easy life at all. I have given up all sugar....and I'm not the one with diabetes. I've converted a guest bedroom to a workout room. I make sure we eat 3 meals a day, that we eat healthy, that he takes his meds. I watch for changes in his skin, open sores that he cannot see or feel (like on his back). But mostly the mood swings due to his ongoing depression. Well, that and the side affects from all the drugs he is on. He has gained 40 pounds this past year and that is not helping his depression. But he went through a phase where he could not walk at all....which depressed him, and all he wanted to do was eat.
Would I do it all again? I just do not know. I fell in love with him before his kidneys started to fail, when he was active and so much healthier. So I stay with him because I'm in denial and I hope this will go away and the man I fell in love with will return. Yet I know that will not happen. :o) All I do know is that I would not wish this disease on anyone.....and I would not wish that anyone be the spouse of someone who has this disease.
Writing this diary is what gets me through it all.
We are not having a good week. He is back to hobbling....feet so swollen with charcot's foot and gout. I don't know how he handles the pain. He is quite grumpy. I'm painting the guest bedroom to stay out of his way!
DW
mY EX BOYFRIEND (WE BROKE UP LAST WEEK) suffers with diabetes type 1 for 20 years. He decided to break up with me because he suffers from depression and he cannot think of anything else but his condition. I am 34 and he is 39 and he is also scared of having children, that was another reason for breaking up with me, he says I deserve better than this. He is a gorgeous great person, but his diabetes is a great problem influencing his life and relationships. I was very much in love but he decided to save me from having to deal with his problems. He isolates himself because of the disease. I am heartbroken and devastated, but reading your diary gave me some support, cause I think it would be vey difficult to have a life with someone who suffers from that. I was willing to stick by his side but he just gave up on us and relationships in general (so he says). I feel really sorry for you but hang in there, there is always a p[urpose for things to happen in life. I hope you find a way of copying with him and honestly most diabetics suffer from depression and therapy would be great for both of you.
xx C.
I truly understand the feelings of a love lost. And I do know what it is to live with a diabetic who has bouts of depression. I think my hubby has decided that loneliness is worse than depression. But he went through a phase where he had to make that choice. He was married before for 22 years. He had 2 kids. Diabetes is inherit in his family. His daughter is hospitalized at least once a month for painful kidney stones and had cysts on her ovaries and had both of them removed. Both of her conditions are pre-diabetic. She will never be able to have kids. His son is also showing signs of pre-diabetes and has gone on a very strict diet trying to prevent it....but can he? My husband's father and grandfather were both diabetics.
I think the fact that his kids have these problems just adds to his depression.
It is not an easy life at all. I have given up all sugar....and I'm not the one with diabetes. I've converted a guest bedroom to a workout room. I make sure we eat 3 meals a day, that we eat healthy, that he takes his meds. I watch for changes in his skin, open sores that he cannot see or feel (like on his back). But mostly the mood swings due to his ongoing depression. Well, that and the side affects from all the drugs he is on. He has gained 40 pounds this past year and that is not helping his depression. But he went through a phase where he could not walk at all....which depressed him, and all he wanted to do was eat.
Would I do it all again? I just do not know. I fell in love with him before his kidneys started to fail, when he was active and so much healthier. So I stay with him because I'm in denial and I hope this will go away and the man I fell in love with will return. Yet I know that will not happen. :o) All I do know is that I would not wish this disease on anyone.....and I would not wish that anyone be the spouse of someone who has this disease.
Writing this diary is what gets me through it all.
We are not having a good week. He is back to hobbling....feet so swollen with charcot's foot and gout. I don't know how he handles the pain. He is quite grumpy. I'm painting the guest bedroom to stay out of his way!
DW
Friday, January 18, 2008
Beyond Exhuasted (again)
I got 3 hours of sleep last night. Woke up to his flopping in the bed. He had taken his Cpap off again. I went downstairs to the family room and laid on the sofa. Tossed and turned...just could not go back to sleep. We got up at 5 am, were supposed to do a getaway weekend and take a train....which has been delayed for 5 hours. So I'm now back in bed, he's downstairs. I want to go to sleep so bad...but he has the TV so loud that it is vibrating the walls.
I've been praying all morning long for some sleep...I don't care what it takes.
I also asked him if he was taking the cpap with him this weekend and he is not.
I think the next time he wants to do a little getaway....I'll just tell him to go without me. I don't know how much longer I can go on 2-3 hours of sleep a night. I'm so exhausted right now I'm shaking.
I've been praying all morning long for some sleep...I don't care what it takes.
I also asked him if he was taking the cpap with him this weekend and he is not.
I think the next time he wants to do a little getaway....I'll just tell him to go without me. I don't know how much longer I can go on 2-3 hours of sleep a night. I'm so exhausted right now I'm shaking.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
It's 1:30 am...
and another sleepless night for me. I think we are headed for separate bedrooms...but at the moment, I'm in the midst of painting the guest bedroom, so I'm on the sofa again tonight.
He does have a humidifier on his cpap machine. He just takes it off every night somewhere between midnight and 2 am. I did ask him again today if he needed to go have it checked or calibrated and he said he would make an appointment. It continues to amaze me that when he uses it, he does not snore, but more important, he does not bounce on the bed flopping his legs. The moment it comes off...the constant flopping on the bed starts in which wakes me up. I can handle the snoring because I can stick in ear plugs. But I can't handle the constant bouncing on the bed. Seriously, he flops so hard my whole body is bounced off the mattress!
Sort of funny....would make a great "I Love Lucy" comedy routine! But after 6 nights of waking up and not being able to get back to sleep....I'm pretty close to a meltdown. Hopefully I can get back to sleep in a few more minutes. Or at least within the next hour.
Here's hoping that we can find some resolution to this in the near future. Tomorrow..the eye exam he lied about last week. I have to wonder...is this really an "eye exam"? :o)
DW
He does have a humidifier on his cpap machine. He just takes it off every night somewhere between midnight and 2 am. I did ask him again today if he needed to go have it checked or calibrated and he said he would make an appointment. It continues to amaze me that when he uses it, he does not snore, but more important, he does not bounce on the bed flopping his legs. The moment it comes off...the constant flopping on the bed starts in which wakes me up. I can handle the snoring because I can stick in ear plugs. But I can't handle the constant bouncing on the bed. Seriously, he flops so hard my whole body is bounced off the mattress!
Sort of funny....would make a great "I Love Lucy" comedy routine! But after 6 nights of waking up and not being able to get back to sleep....I'm pretty close to a meltdown. Hopefully I can get back to sleep in a few more minutes. Or at least within the next hour.
Here's hoping that we can find some resolution to this in the near future. Tomorrow..the eye exam he lied about last week. I have to wonder...is this really an "eye exam"? :o)
DW
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Parkinsons (and more stress for me)
He left today saying he was going to the eye doctor. So I didn't even bother to ask to go. He came home and said he made a mistake, today was his doctor's visit, the eye exam is next week.
I have to wonder....was that just one huge lie because he didn't want me to go?
Just so maddening. I'm just ready to throw in the towel....let him eat whatever he wants and just kill himself.
How can you mix up an eye exam and a doctor's appointment? Because you don't care enough to remember? Yeah...I think that's it.
So....his doctor did agree to refer him to an endocrinologist. But I just wonder if that's another lie. Time will tell. In the meantime, this one added a new drug to help keep his prostate from getting even bigger. And added a Parkinson's drug.
I need to go research this last one. He says he does not have Parkinson's, but his hands have been shaking lately and it is getting increasingly worse. To the extent that he cannot pick up food with a fork. He says it's related to his carpel tunnel syndrome. He's had 3 surgeries for that and it's supposed to be "healed". But he claims that is why his hands shake.
Tonight....I just think the only thing he knows how to do is lie. I'm so fed up with it. And it's most likely that I'm just tired.
I asked if he asked about a pump and he said his doc told him to wait until he saw the endo. Hmmmm...think there is an ounce of truth in that either?
I just keep asking myself, "what next?"
I have to wonder....was that just one huge lie because he didn't want me to go?
Just so maddening. I'm just ready to throw in the towel....let him eat whatever he wants and just kill himself.
How can you mix up an eye exam and a doctor's appointment? Because you don't care enough to remember? Yeah...I think that's it.
So....his doctor did agree to refer him to an endocrinologist. But I just wonder if that's another lie. Time will tell. In the meantime, this one added a new drug to help keep his prostate from getting even bigger. And added a Parkinson's drug.
I need to go research this last one. He says he does not have Parkinson's, but his hands have been shaking lately and it is getting increasingly worse. To the extent that he cannot pick up food with a fork. He says it's related to his carpel tunnel syndrome. He's had 3 surgeries for that and it's supposed to be "healed". But he claims that is why his hands shake.
Tonight....I just think the only thing he knows how to do is lie. I'm so fed up with it. And it's most likely that I'm just tired.
I asked if he asked about a pump and he said his doc told him to wait until he saw the endo. Hmmmm...think there is an ounce of truth in that either?
I just keep asking myself, "what next?"
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
How time flies
I hadn't logged on in a few days, so sorry the comments didn't get posted until now. Thanks for all the thoughts on the CPap. He does have a humidifier and he also has the chin strap. He has not been in for the adjustment yet, but I am hoping that will do the trick. Last night was the first time in weeks that I actually slept in our bed all night long. It felt good!
I've fixed up the guest bedroom with everything I need and have been sleeping in there, so I am feeling a bit more rested. But he misses me, so he is really trying to keep the cpap on all night long.
He's also going through a rather stressful time at work. They are doing another round of reductions (huge corporation) and he is going on site all this week. At least his feet are healthy enough at the moment that he can walk. But man, is he yelling and screaming around here a lot! Fortunately, I have been able to tune it out for the most part, so either I'm getting used to it, growing immune to it, or have decided to just ignore it. For whatever reason, it's much more tolerable now than in the past. I do know that when he gets really going, I just calmly remind him that he doesn't need to be yelling at "me"....that I'm not the problem and that does seem to calm him back down. There are moments though when I wonder if he is going to have a heart attack!
I did move my studio to the basement last year and that has been a life saver. I can go down, shut the door, and get some peace and quiet there! I've been calling it my "cave" lately! LOL! Maybe every spouse needs a cave to go hide in! ha ha! OK...at least I still have a bit of my sense of humor about me! So it's still a good day!
Sue, happy to have you among the posters here. Think about starting your own blog....a place to record the ups and downs of your journey with him, a place to record his ups and downs....I find it's a great release. And along the way, I've come to find that I'm not quite so alone as I once thought I was. You have to get past all the naysayers out there.....but there are other spouses who know what you are dealing with. It really does help!
DW
I've fixed up the guest bedroom with everything I need and have been sleeping in there, so I am feeling a bit more rested. But he misses me, so he is really trying to keep the cpap on all night long.
He's also going through a rather stressful time at work. They are doing another round of reductions (huge corporation) and he is going on site all this week. At least his feet are healthy enough at the moment that he can walk. But man, is he yelling and screaming around here a lot! Fortunately, I have been able to tune it out for the most part, so either I'm getting used to it, growing immune to it, or have decided to just ignore it. For whatever reason, it's much more tolerable now than in the past. I do know that when he gets really going, I just calmly remind him that he doesn't need to be yelling at "me"....that I'm not the problem and that does seem to calm him back down. There are moments though when I wonder if he is going to have a heart attack!
I did move my studio to the basement last year and that has been a life saver. I can go down, shut the door, and get some peace and quiet there! I've been calling it my "cave" lately! LOL! Maybe every spouse needs a cave to go hide in! ha ha! OK...at least I still have a bit of my sense of humor about me! So it's still a good day!
Sue, happy to have you among the posters here. Think about starting your own blog....a place to record the ups and downs of your journey with him, a place to record his ups and downs....I find it's a great release. And along the way, I've come to find that I'm not quite so alone as I once thought I was. You have to get past all the naysayers out there.....but there are other spouses who know what you are dealing with. It really does help!
DW
Thursday, January 03, 2008
CPAP ideas?
Hubby said that he has to take it off in the middle of the night because his mouth gets so dry he can't swallow. Anyone have experience with a cpap or suggestions? I suggested that he call his provider and see if it needs an adjustment. He seems to think it's just him.
I'll get a great night's sleep as I'm in the guest bedroom tonight. :o) Every now and then you just have to sleep alone and get caught up on rest.
DW
I'll get a great night's sleep as I'm in the guest bedroom tonight. :o) Every now and then you just have to sleep alone and get caught up on rest.
DW
Sleepless nights
Well, day 2 of the new year, night 2 of no sleep. Hubby is refusing to wear his cpap and has to be at least 80 decibels. I'm in the living room on the sofa, he is upstairs with the door shut and I can hear him loud and clear. And he was flopping again, RLS. Don't know what I'm going to do short of moving into the guest bedroom. I can't manage on no sleep, that's for sure!
Monday, December 31, 2007
Peace and harmony
Another week with no incidents. It's been so grande! A very stress free holiday for both of us. I have a cold, he just got over one, so we're taking lots of meds and getting in lots of naps. Feels great! His parents have called a few times, trying to guilt him/us into coming down, but he continues to hold firm that we are here this year. I'm just so grateful!
Quiet new years eve as we ordered pizza in and are watching TV tonight.
Hope the next month is as peaceful as the last couple of weeks have been! I think we start another round of doctor's visits about the 15th.
DW
Quiet new years eve as we ordered pizza in and are watching TV tonight.
Hope the next month is as peaceful as the last couple of weeks have been! I think we start another round of doctor's visits about the 15th.
DW
Sunday, December 23, 2007
All is well.
I just want to dance! Life is on even keel and everything is going quite well. He is still having morning lows, but I am getting food into him earlier in the day and that's getting better. We are eating smaller meals, more frequently...like snacks thoughout the day and that seems to be helping. His feet are stable for the time being. He's off all week long but already been called in to a meeting tomorrow morning...but I'm hoping he can get some much needed rest this week. We really don't have much planned.
I'm letting him eat Brownies Tuesday and then on Wednesday, he has to start on the treadmill....at least 5 minutes every day and we will see if he can work up from that. I also hope he will do the bicycle. I'm going to schedule time each day for both of us to do a little bit of exercise and hopefully get him back on track with that.
We spent Thursday with his son, 2 granddaughters and their mom. It was the best "medicine" hubby could have had. I think he's starting to see that perhaps we should quit driving to see his parents and start spending more time with his kids and grandkids. I'm all for that!
Hope everyone else is having a peaceful week.
DW
I'm letting him eat Brownies Tuesday and then on Wednesday, he has to start on the treadmill....at least 5 minutes every day and we will see if he can work up from that. I also hope he will do the bicycle. I'm going to schedule time each day for both of us to do a little bit of exercise and hopefully get him back on track with that.
We spent Thursday with his son, 2 granddaughters and their mom. It was the best "medicine" hubby could have had. I think he's starting to see that perhaps we should quit driving to see his parents and start spending more time with his kids and grandkids. I'm all for that!
Hope everyone else is having a peaceful week.
DW
Saturday, December 15, 2007
How to get past depression
Hubby has been quite depressed this past week. I couldn't figure out if it was meds, the fact that he decided not to go "home" for the holidays, the holidays themselves, or what. So, this morning, I said to him, "get dressed, we are going to go play today!"
I thought for sure he would say no, but he got dressed and grudgingly went along with me. I had to take something back to a department store and while waiting at the checkout counter, he found holiday outfits for our 2 little chihuahuas. And I knew from the look in his eyes....we were on the right path!
We managed to get all of his holiday shopping done today (just in time that I can wrap them and send them out UPS), went to lunch at one of his favorite places and were home by 2 pm. I ran out and picked up a full body massage/heat mat and brought it home for him to lay on. By 6 pm, he decided he wanted to go out to dinner and I agreed. It was a place I have refused to go to for a whole year, but I decided to give in tonight! While there, I asked if he was feeling better and he said that he felt great. He thanked me over and over for making him go out today. And although he hurt like heck, he said it was a great day! He just seems really happy tonight.
So I think he is past his depression, and he has his holiday shopping all done. Yeah! I think he is finally in the holiday spirit and I hope he keeps it for the next couple of weeks!
I thought for sure he would say no, but he got dressed and grudgingly went along with me. I had to take something back to a department store and while waiting at the checkout counter, he found holiday outfits for our 2 little chihuahuas. And I knew from the look in his eyes....we were on the right path!
We managed to get all of his holiday shopping done today (just in time that I can wrap them and send them out UPS), went to lunch at one of his favorite places and were home by 2 pm. I ran out and picked up a full body massage/heat mat and brought it home for him to lay on. By 6 pm, he decided he wanted to go out to dinner and I agreed. It was a place I have refused to go to for a whole year, but I decided to give in tonight! While there, I asked if he was feeling better and he said that he felt great. He thanked me over and over for making him go out today. And although he hurt like heck, he said it was a great day! He just seems really happy tonight.
So I think he is past his depression, and he has his holiday shopping all done. Yeah! I think he is finally in the holiday spirit and I hope he keeps it for the next couple of weeks!
A little bit of education, fun and maybe money......
I have absolutely, positively no idea what I'm doing, but someone sent me a link to Pay Per Post....and I decided to learn a little bit about writing html and editing that in a post. But why shouldn't all/any of us make a few pennies as we post our journeys here?
payperpost
payperpost
Friday, December 14, 2007
Today's nephrology visit
I think I'm exhausted and it was his appointment. His HMO does not have a nephrologist, so this was a referral outside the system. Of course, there is not a whole lot that she can do other than make observations. Sigh.
His A1c is normal. You wouldn't believe the look I got from her when I said that he is having a lot of lows and must be having highs to balance out the A1c. I immediately knew she did not like me, did not want me there, did not want to hear any of this.
And it's such a game with him. She asked if his doctor had talked to him about diet and limiting salt. He said yes and that we use "no salt" or salt substitutes. She said, "good, good". And then I said that yes, they had talked to him about that, but he loves to eat out and that he doesn't really follow any of the recommended diet plans. Again, I got "that look".
They had taken him off allopurinol and colchicine because his creatine levels had gone up. She put him back on 100mg /day of allopurinol and is giving him a 9 day burst of prednisone. I was a bit surprised with this as it works to raise blood sugars. And not once did she mention to him or ask him about daily glucose monitoring. Sigh.
Further, she told him to go back on the colchicine as needed for pain, up to 1 every other day. So, does this mean that his creatine levels will go back up?
He is on Novulin N 66 twice a day and R 30 twice a day. She asked him to cut back his salt and cut back his lasix. His weight is up to 246 pounds. A gain of 25 pounds this year. She did tell him that he is stage 3 CKD, his function is now at 32% and that yes, it can go up after being down....that the creatine levels were probably up due to too many drugs (which she is putting him back on).
She wants to see him every 6 months.
I asked her about a non-invasive glucose monitor/pump like MiniMed Paradigm Real-Time of CGMS system Gold. She said we need to see his endocrinologist for that. He does not have one. He only has a rheumatologist and a primary care physician.
I explained the peeks/valleys that I see with Novolin R& N and asked about Lantus/Novolog or novorapid and again, she said see the primary care or endocrinologist.
I inquired about remedies for depression, foot pain, headaches (suggested a pain management clinic).....and with each one...she said we needed to see the primary care.
So on the way home, I suggest that he make an appointment to see his primary care as soon as he could and to have his labs redone in 2 weeks to see the impact of prednisone and the other drugs on all his levels.
He's gone back to his HMO now to get his RX filled, but I could tell he was a bit depressed. I think it's more because I was there asking questions rather than any answer she was giving us. But I can also see that he is obviously not giving these doctors the full, complete picture.
I did also mention that he cannot exercise due to the pain in his feet, knees, hips and back. Again, she said there wasn't much she could do about it.
I'm wonder if a nephrologist really only comes into play when a patient gets to stage 4? Or perhaps look at the combination of drugs they are currently on? But she really couldn't make a change in the type of insulin he is getting which I found interesting, but probably has more to do with the fact that this was a referral outside his HMO.
I will just continue to make my observations here, keep this as my notes to refer back to, and wait for the next doctor's visit. In the meantime, until he wants to make changes in his diet, I don't see much else that can be done.
His A1c is normal. You wouldn't believe the look I got from her when I said that he is having a lot of lows and must be having highs to balance out the A1c. I immediately knew she did not like me, did not want me there, did not want to hear any of this.
And it's such a game with him. She asked if his doctor had talked to him about diet and limiting salt. He said yes and that we use "no salt" or salt substitutes. She said, "good, good". And then I said that yes, they had talked to him about that, but he loves to eat out and that he doesn't really follow any of the recommended diet plans. Again, I got "that look".
They had taken him off allopurinol and colchicine because his creatine levels had gone up. She put him back on 100mg /day of allopurinol and is giving him a 9 day burst of prednisone. I was a bit surprised with this as it works to raise blood sugars. And not once did she mention to him or ask him about daily glucose monitoring. Sigh.
Further, she told him to go back on the colchicine as needed for pain, up to 1 every other day. So, does this mean that his creatine levels will go back up?
He is on Novulin N 66 twice a day and R 30 twice a day. She asked him to cut back his salt and cut back his lasix. His weight is up to 246 pounds. A gain of 25 pounds this year. She did tell him that he is stage 3 CKD, his function is now at 32% and that yes, it can go up after being down....that the creatine levels were probably up due to too many drugs (which she is putting him back on).
She wants to see him every 6 months.
I asked her about a non-invasive glucose monitor/pump like MiniMed Paradigm Real-Time of CGMS system Gold. She said we need to see his endocrinologist for that. He does not have one. He only has a rheumatologist and a primary care physician.
I explained the peeks/valleys that I see with Novolin R& N and asked about Lantus/Novolog or novorapid and again, she said see the primary care or endocrinologist.
I inquired about remedies for depression, foot pain, headaches (suggested a pain management clinic).....and with each one...she said we needed to see the primary care.
So on the way home, I suggest that he make an appointment to see his primary care as soon as he could and to have his labs redone in 2 weeks to see the impact of prednisone and the other drugs on all his levels.
He's gone back to his HMO now to get his RX filled, but I could tell he was a bit depressed. I think it's more because I was there asking questions rather than any answer she was giving us. But I can also see that he is obviously not giving these doctors the full, complete picture.
I did also mention that he cannot exercise due to the pain in his feet, knees, hips and back. Again, she said there wasn't much she could do about it.
I'm wonder if a nephrologist really only comes into play when a patient gets to stage 4? Or perhaps look at the combination of drugs they are currently on? But she really couldn't make a change in the type of insulin he is getting which I found interesting, but probably has more to do with the fact that this was a referral outside his HMO.
I will just continue to make my observations here, keep this as my notes to refer back to, and wait for the next doctor's visit. In the meantime, until he wants to make changes in his diet, I don't see much else that can be done.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
A Miracle
Well, I am quite happy tonight, yet I cannot act as happy as I am! LOL!
For the past 10 years, every holiday, we have driven 15 hours (30 hours round trip) to visit the in-laws. My hubby has never missed a Christmas with his mother. But yesterday, he called me into his office and said that he did not want to make the drive this year.
I think I am still in shock. And I can't begin to describe the wave of relief that came over me. I have such problems with back pain and I was not looking forward to that drive at all.
We spent an hour discussing it. He rationalized all the reasons for not going. And I did nothing to talk him out of this decision! But it's true. His parents are early 70s and still work. We only see them for 2 hours a day. Except for the days that he goes to work with them and that is no fun for him. We are in the house with his 94 year old grandmother who yells at him all day long, so that's no fun either. His back hurt just from a 4 hour drive on Sunday and because of his incontinence problems...he is just concerned about the long drive.
But he is also depressed today about not going. He is putting off that phone call to his mom telling her that we won't be coming down. It will be quite strange...the first time we have been in our home for Christmas in 10 years. I'm hoping he can take the week and just rest. I'm hoping he will get over his depression quickly.
As a note, he goes to the doctor this Friday and I am going with him. I believe we will be seeing his neuropathy doc. I'm making a long list of questions to ask including
pain management
pump
anti depression meds/treatment
long range plan for foot care
It will be interesting to see what the answers are.
DW
For the past 10 years, every holiday, we have driven 15 hours (30 hours round trip) to visit the in-laws. My hubby has never missed a Christmas with his mother. But yesterday, he called me into his office and said that he did not want to make the drive this year.
I think I am still in shock. And I can't begin to describe the wave of relief that came over me. I have such problems with back pain and I was not looking forward to that drive at all.
We spent an hour discussing it. He rationalized all the reasons for not going. And I did nothing to talk him out of this decision! But it's true. His parents are early 70s and still work. We only see them for 2 hours a day. Except for the days that he goes to work with them and that is no fun for him. We are in the house with his 94 year old grandmother who yells at him all day long, so that's no fun either. His back hurt just from a 4 hour drive on Sunday and because of his incontinence problems...he is just concerned about the long drive.
But he is also depressed today about not going. He is putting off that phone call to his mom telling her that we won't be coming down. It will be quite strange...the first time we have been in our home for Christmas in 10 years. I'm hoping he can take the week and just rest. I'm hoping he will get over his depression quickly.
As a note, he goes to the doctor this Friday and I am going with him. I believe we will be seeing his neuropathy doc. I'm making a long list of questions to ask including
pain management
pump
anti depression meds/treatment
long range plan for foot care
It will be interesting to see what the answers are.
DW
Sunday, December 09, 2007
Understanding adrenaline
Obviously this is in response to a comment that I rejected.
Quote:
The main cause of diabetes is the western diet--based on refined carbohydrates that rush sugar into the bloodstream, trans fatty acids that interfere with insulin receptors in the cells, and difficult-to-digest foods like pasteurized milk and modern soy foods that put a strain on the pancreas--but another cause of chronic high blood sugar levels, one that is often overlooked, is stress. Under stress, the adrenal glands produce adrenaline, an important stimulus for the production of glucagon, which raises blood sugar levels and allows the body to react with a "fight or flight" response. Chronic stress--the stress on the adult in the workplace, the stress on the student under pressure to perform, the stress on the child expected to conform to rigid guidelines or who has been sexually or emotionally abused, even the stress of a spiritual or religious outlook that assumes a clockwork universe or a vengeful god--results in constant outpourings of adrenaline resulting in overstimulation of glucagon to keep blood sugar levels high. The body then responds with increased production of insulin to bring blood sugar levels down.
http://www.westonaprice.org/moderndiseases/diabetes.html
So, when hubby is having a low, a good fight with me does the same thing as the stress mentioned above. Sugar is released into his body. There is an increased production of insulin to bring the sugars down. It is nothing but a vicious cycle....but it is his body's way of fighting to bring him from a low to a high to a normal.
A good fight increases sugar, and increases insulin production, gets him from his low to a high and back to a normal.
I think I'd rather he hit his thumb good and hard with a hammer, in fact...next time he starts an argument and I realize it's a low...I think I'll just hand him a hammer! LOL!
Quote:
The main cause of diabetes is the western diet--based on refined carbohydrates that rush sugar into the bloodstream, trans fatty acids that interfere with insulin receptors in the cells, and difficult-to-digest foods like pasteurized milk and modern soy foods that put a strain on the pancreas--but another cause of chronic high blood sugar levels, one that is often overlooked, is stress. Under stress, the adrenal glands produce adrenaline, an important stimulus for the production of glucagon, which raises blood sugar levels and allows the body to react with a "fight or flight" response. Chronic stress--the stress on the adult in the workplace, the stress on the student under pressure to perform, the stress on the child expected to conform to rigid guidelines or who has been sexually or emotionally abused, even the stress of a spiritual or religious outlook that assumes a clockwork universe or a vengeful god--results in constant outpourings of adrenaline resulting in overstimulation of glucagon to keep blood sugar levels high. The body then responds with increased production of insulin to bring blood sugar levels down.
http://www.westonaprice.org/moderndiseases/diabetes.html
So, when hubby is having a low, a good fight with me does the same thing as the stress mentioned above. Sugar is released into his body. There is an increased production of insulin to bring the sugars down. It is nothing but a vicious cycle....but it is his body's way of fighting to bring him from a low to a high to a normal.
A good fight increases sugar, and increases insulin production, gets him from his low to a high and back to a normal.
I think I'd rather he hit his thumb good and hard with a hammer, in fact...next time he starts an argument and I realize it's a low...I think I'll just hand him a hammer! LOL!
Life is peaceful for now
Just updating my thoughts here. The surgery was worth the 4 weeks of recovery. Hubby is walking quite nicely now. Pain is gone. He's getting more active and even riding the stationary bike once or twice a week.
He has quit eating bags of sugar....since I'm still on my no dessert kick. No dessert for me of any kind since Mother's Day....no diet soda...and almost no red meat. I cannot believe I have managed to stay away from sweets this long. I'm praying I can make it through the holiday season without breaking down!
We have had a few morning lows between the usual 8:30 and 10:30 am where he gets quite testy and we have a few arguments. I have decided to just "fight" back because it brings up his sugar level quicker and he gets back to normal quicker. And I write them all off as just being "normal" in that he is going to have these lows and I know he doesn't really remember what he has said. Our last one was last Monday when I was leaving to go visit my mom for a couple of days. Well...it wasn't long before he called an apologized. I just told myself that he didn't really mean the hateful things he said..he's having a low. I wish he understood that, but I'm sure he doesn't and I doubt that he ever will.
And because for the most part, life is quite calm at the moment, I can write those few outbursts off. But I want to blog them to record the progression of this disease.
We spent this weekend at my sister's house and she commented that she just couldn't believe how much he has improved from just a few weeks ago when she didn't think he would be alive by the end of this year.
In a couple of weeks, we are heading south to visit his parents over the holiday. I'm praying for a good trip. He has agreed to break up the drive into 2 days rather than 15 hours straight thru, and to only stay 5 nights rather than the usual 14 nights. So positive changes all the way around.
DW
He has quit eating bags of sugar....since I'm still on my no dessert kick. No dessert for me of any kind since Mother's Day....no diet soda...and almost no red meat. I cannot believe I have managed to stay away from sweets this long. I'm praying I can make it through the holiday season without breaking down!
We have had a few morning lows between the usual 8:30 and 10:30 am where he gets quite testy and we have a few arguments. I have decided to just "fight" back because it brings up his sugar level quicker and he gets back to normal quicker. And I write them all off as just being "normal" in that he is going to have these lows and I know he doesn't really remember what he has said. Our last one was last Monday when I was leaving to go visit my mom for a couple of days. Well...it wasn't long before he called an apologized. I just told myself that he didn't really mean the hateful things he said..he's having a low. I wish he understood that, but I'm sure he doesn't and I doubt that he ever will.
And because for the most part, life is quite calm at the moment, I can write those few outbursts off. But I want to blog them to record the progression of this disease.
We spent this weekend at my sister's house and she commented that she just couldn't believe how much he has improved from just a few weeks ago when she didn't think he would be alive by the end of this year.
In a couple of weeks, we are heading south to visit his parents over the holiday. I'm praying for a good trip. He has agreed to break up the drive into 2 days rather than 15 hours straight thru, and to only stay 5 nights rather than the usual 14 nights. So positive changes all the way around.
DW
Monday, November 26, 2007
Thanksgiving weekend
It was long. But for the most part, it went quite well. Thursday was at mom's. First year in a long time that not all of the siblings showed up, but we still had a great day. My sis#2 and her hubby followed us home. They gifted us a new utility room floor this weekend. They also brought their 2 grandsons ages 10 and 13 with them.
Hubby did not do so well on Friday. His feet hurt. I think it was too much food on Thursday. So he took codine and slept most of the day. But Saturday, he was actually able to help out a little with the floor and on Sunday he helped move the washer and dryer back in.
It's actually quite a comedy of errors as all of us are over 50 now. We still think we are 20. BIL is a contractor so he at least could direct us in what needed to be done. The grandkids were a huge help and it was nice to see them (my great nephews). The will soon be grown and gone and live far enough away that I probably will not see them often at all.
We find out tomorrow what hubby's travel schedules are for the rest of the year. And that will determine what we do for the holidays.
The only other change I've noticed is that the cpap machine doesn't seem to be working as well as when he first got it. He is starting to flop his leg again even when he has the machine on. And he is starting to snore through the mask. I think I may ask him to check with his doctor to see if the machine needs an adjustment of some kind.
Other than that, all is well for the moment.
Hubby did not do so well on Friday. His feet hurt. I think it was too much food on Thursday. So he took codine and slept most of the day. But Saturday, he was actually able to help out a little with the floor and on Sunday he helped move the washer and dryer back in.
It's actually quite a comedy of errors as all of us are over 50 now. We still think we are 20. BIL is a contractor so he at least could direct us in what needed to be done. The grandkids were a huge help and it was nice to see them (my great nephews). The will soon be grown and gone and live far enough away that I probably will not see them often at all.
We find out tomorrow what hubby's travel schedules are for the rest of the year. And that will determine what we do for the holidays.
The only other change I've noticed is that the cpap machine doesn't seem to be working as well as when he first got it. He is starting to flop his leg again even when he has the machine on. And he is starting to snore through the mask. I think I may ask him to check with his doctor to see if the machine needs an adjustment of some kind.
Other than that, all is well for the moment.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Home again
He's home and actually....no 10:30 am uproar, but I made sure I was out of the room and got him food! LOL! Pretty dang funny that I now have "visiting hours" with hubby!
His feet look marvelous. But then, he's been at sea level for a week. He's exhausted, but so far all is well.
Just my little update for today. I'm working on website design for my "other life". :o)
DW
His feet look marvelous. But then, he's been at sea level for a week. He's exhausted, but so far all is well.
Just my little update for today. I'm working on website design for my "other life". :o)
DW
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