I know....I know....

it's new year's eve and here I am writing another post on this blog.  Yes, I live a boring life!  LOL!!!

First - I need your help.  Does anyone out there have experience  with ESRD?  What are the signs of the final end stages?  I have read about it, I'm just looking for personal experience - not textbook information.

Hubby is still gone - still taking care of his dad. He has been gone 1 year, 3 months and 2 weeks.   This week he got sick.  He has not been able to keep anything down in the last 3 days.  Everything he eats and drinks comes back up.  No, he will not go to a doctor.  I know that it could just be the flu, but he has had so many episodes like this that I wonder if his digestive system is shutting down.  Neuropathy of the stomach?  intestines?

He said this evening that he is feeling a little better.  Well, I think that he hasn't had anything going in for 3 days so he should be at the point where there is nothing left inside to come back up.  He said that his ribs hurt and I reminded him that a couple of years ago, he broke his ribs coughing.  

Second, I'm sharing a comment from a reader:

I've followed your blog for awhile now and I wanted to let you know that you have helped me cope in my own struggle to try to co-exist with a non-compliant diabetic. After 26 years of watching the downward spiral of my loved one I can truly say that I have been able finally to detach and try to recover my own life lest I lose it due to stress and worry. She continues to eat whatever and however she wants, refuses to take her meds properly or at all, won't go to the doctor, won't exercise, etc. I know the worst case course of this disease and she is on it and knows it and refuses to change. I am done and your example has given me the strength and courage to step away and save my own life. Thank you for your sharing and courage. God bless

I have to say that this past week has been an interesting for me.  Probably my usual end-of-year review.  I'm an artist.  And I have always admired Laurel Burch.  However, I had absolutely no idea that she had passed away.  At the end of 2007!!!  And when I did the math....that is about the time that hubby started getting ill, having complications from his diabetes....about the time that I sort of took a hiatus from my art and started caring for him almost full time.  It was quite a shock to realize that the last 6 years of my life have literally been on hold.  I wonder if I should have said I was done before I ever started???

I continue to get back some of the person that I used to be.  I now know that while I feel so sorry for him, he is not here, he is 1000 miles away, and it is not my job to worry about him, or help him out.  I can (and am) a good listener.  He can call me anytime and I will listen and then try to remind him of things he has forgotten.  We do have a history together.  We still talk 2-3 times a day.

My youngest sister and I are planning a vacation together.  We are going overseas and it will be our 3rd trip to this destination.  In the past, I have planned everything about every trip and this time, I turned it all over to her.  I told her that I am just not who I was.  Not yet.  And she said she understands.  Part of it is due to mom's death.  I am coming out of that grief.  But I am also coming out of the grief that this marriage is over.  Yet at the same time I know I am so much better than I was a year ago.  I'm in a much, much better place.  I have found my art again.  I am being creative again.  I am discovering things such as the death of someone that I completely admired.  I am taking care of myself.  my body AND my spirit.

Which brings me to tomorrow.  Someone sent me a great quote.  Tomorrow is the first page of a blank book....write an amazing story!  I feel so refreshed and energized.  I want to write an incredible story in 2014.  I want to have an incredible year.  I pray that my grieving is over.  I know that we all have to go through it.  I know the steps well.  I am looking at midnight as a door.  And while I cannot shut the door to the past completely (not sure I would really want to do that),   I am opening the door to 2014 wide.  I EXPECT it to be a great year!!!  I am praying that God will bless me and make me a blessing to others.  I pray for anyone who is living with a non-compliant diabetic.  That God will bless you and lift you up and give you the strength where I failed.  And my failures have been huge.  

I pray that I can continue to share the knowledge I have of living with a diabetic....even having a long distance non-relationship with one, and that my life might help you a little.  I thought when he told me that he was staying to take care of his dad, that my life with a diabetic had stopped.  But not really!  The stress is less.  My life is much better.  The diabetic spouse is in the background now.  Backgrounds by nature of the term are always there - they never completely totally go away!

May each of you have a wonderful 2014!

DW

another month

I truly cannot believe how fast time goes any more.  I keep busy with my family here.  Hubby calls 2 - 3 times every day.  His dad seems to be doing well.  I am enjoying the peace and quiet.  Gaining strength every day.  Have finally started a little bit of exercise which I know that I need.

With all the changes in health care plans, I decided to go from high option to standard option.  It means my deductibles and co-pays will be higher, but the monthly premiums will be lower.  I simply do not have the income to pay for the "best" insurance any more.  And I carry hubby on my insurance so it will be interesting to see what the changes will do to him.  I hope that his insulin will still be covered.  Only time will tell.

In all honesty, I do not think about his diabetes very much at all.  It's not the daily/hourly issue that it is when you are living with a diabetic.  I don't worry about the little things or the big things any more.  I just do my best to make it through one day at a time.  And for the moment, I'm OK.  :o)

DW

Traveling

I was invited to travel to teach an art class not too far from hubby, so I came to see him.  His dad went into the hospital 2 nights ago for emergency surgery.  The pain meds caused delusions.  Last night, he saw a dog sitting on his lap.  Sort of funny.

Asked hubby how he was doing health wise.  He said he was fine.  But I couldn't help notice the odd shaped depends in his bathroom.  I'm sure they are made for men to catch urine at night.

Also saw that he has not dusted since I cleaned when I was here in January.  Dust so thick you can write in it.  Bathroom mirror covered with toothpaste spits.  Bathtub covered in dust.

Is he doing this just to see how long I will let it go before I clean?  Has he turned into his mom and simply not ever going to clean again?  I think it is so sad.  However, it is not my life and I am not his maid.  I'm not touching a thing.

He is being terribly sweet.  I am keeping my mouth shut.  It really is sad.  I no longer know this man. But then, we have been separated for 14 months, so why would I know him?

He looks puffy to me.  His clothes are skin tight.  I'm not planning to stay long.  It's so difficult keeping my mouth shut.  It breaks my heart to see him like this.  But I cannot fix him.  I cannot change him.  And I'm not going to be his maid.

Untimely death

A good friend of mine, age 49, passed away unexpectedly 2 weeks ago.  Her husband died of a heart attack 2 years ago. Her son asked me to help with her estate.  She had owned her own business.  I'm not sure I can describe the house I walked into.  She did not have a will.  She had not sorted, organized, catalogued, labeled....anything!  It took 5 people working 10-12 hours per day for 5 days to even make a dent in her home.

It got me to thinking.  I downsized last year from 3700 SF to 1100 SF, but I sure need to downsize again!  Why is it we like so much stuff?  Why is it hard to part with what we have?

This week, I'm taking a few days to clean and sort, organize and perhaps get rid of stuff.  I know we all have things we never use.  Time to let go of them.

On the other hand, the moment I let go of something....I will want it or need it.  :o)

Then just as a humorous side....is this like holding onto a diabetic spouse?

Sorry, I couldn't resist!  LOLOL!!!

DW - finding humor in her everyday life

New labs

A1c is 9.1
Triglycerides are 1441
Kidney function is 36.1

Most of the other labs are all bad.

Protien in urine is off the charts at 525

He says he is not having any chest pains.

They started him on a new med this week for his sciatica.  It's a drug designed to control seizures, but they think it will help pain.  I have a son who has had seizures all his life.  All of those meds dull the senses,  increase reaction times, cause memory loss.  This one also increases depression and suicidal thoughts.  This is not what he needs!

But you can also tell just by watching him walk he has to be in severe pain.  His back is even more curved than before his surgery.

I have been wondering if the thing keeping him alive is caring for his dad.  If he were to come back here, would he live long.  I think it's good that he moved away to care for his dad and I think it's good he's going back.  We have come to an understanding and the past few days have been ok.  I do not envy him any of his medical conditions, but these new labs just are not painting a good picture.

I'm in hell and don't know which way out!

Yes, it really is that bad.  I flew to meet him last Saturday and on the drive from the airport to the hotel, he started in arguing with me.  Manipulating me.  He wanted me to sit in the hotel room and babysit the dogs while he, his dad and brother went to a football game.  I had already told him I was not going to do that.  But he managed to get his dad and brother in on the act and I stayed.  I was so pissed off.  Still am.  But it has been like that almost non-stop since Saturday about one thing or another.

He has played the "I forgot" card, the "that's not what I heard" card, the "I'm sorry, I didn't hear that" card....you name it, he's played it.  This morning was a major blow out.  We drove home yesterday. He ate at 6:30 am and 11:30 am, then refused to eat after that.  Of course he crashed!  The apologized this morning.

Absolutely nothing has changed.  I was so pleased with all the changes I've made in the house and he merely felt threatened by them.  He wants everything back the way it is, but he's going back to his dad's, not staying here.

I'm exhausted already and can't wait for him to leave, but he's here for a whole week.  Sad, huh?

DW

Upcoming visits

I used to own and antique business in another state and when I moved here, I moved a gorgeous antique glass showcase.  It's about 6' tall and 3 1/2' square with all glass sides and glass shelves.  Then we moved it to my mother-in-laws so she could store her dolls in it.

Now, my sisters and I have signed up for a space in an antique mall and I need it back here!  So I'm flying out in a week to help hubby load it into the truck and bring it home.  I need to be there to make sure it gets packed well so it doesn't break....and to help him make the drive home.

He'll be here about 10 days.  He said there is more of his stuff that he wants to pack and take back.  In all honesty, there isn't too much of his left here!  But he's been gone a year, and I'm sure if I were in his shoes, I'd want all my stuff with me and not here.

I think it will be interesting to see how we get along while we are together.  His doctor finally decided to stop his prescriptions, so he has an office visit scheduled for when he is here and he will get all of his labs done.  It will be interesting to see if the labs have changed much in the past year.  He is living at a lower altitude, so I would think they might be better.  He hasn't been here since April and then he said he definitely noticed the altitude.  Will be interesting to see if it's worse for him on this trip.

A year ago, neither of our moms had died yet and I promise that none of us had a clue our lives were going to change so drastically.  Life sure is interesting!

DW

Time flies.....worse than ever!!!

My monthly update.  We had a flood here and it washed out all my lovely flower gardens!  Needless to say, I have been busy recreating them!!!  Life is still great.  Hubby is coming home for a week the end of next month.  Nothing has changed - I can tell.  I asked if he had made appointments with his doctors.  He has not see a doctor, nor had any lab work done since June 2012.  You know it's going to be bad news.  And no, he hasn't made any appointments.  We are with a huge HMO and he absolutely has to make the appointments this week, or he won't get in.  Is it my problem?  Nope.  But it just irks me to no end that he doesn't care enough to even get labwork done.  NOTHING HAS CHANGED!!!

Well...nothing has changed with him.  I think everything has changed or is changing with me!  I had the funniest experience that I want to share.  I used to work in this town 35 years ago and I had lunch with some of the gals I used to work with.  Over time, my name has gotten shorter.  Example:  Margaret, Margie, Marge.  (not my name, but you get the point!)  This gal knew me with my earlies name and a different surname and had read about me in an art newsletter with my shortened name and current surname and had no idea that I was the same person!!!  So I've decided to go back to using the name that I used when I lived here before.

Then I went to a garage sale one day and I just knew that I knew the woman hosting it.  But I couldn't make the connection.  3 weeks later I was going through old photos and realized she had been my son's babysitter 30 years ago.  I took the photos and knocked on her door and we just had a great reunion!!!

I have the time - and the energy - to renew old friendships.  That's been wonderful!!!

There have been some comments in the last month and I'd like to share them.  Day by Day wrote this:

I feel like I've found my family~ I try to convince my husband's family that he's Really bad off and not taking care of himself, and some of their responses hurt almost as much as this daily hell of watching him die!This group has given me quite a feeling of peace today- thank you SO much. My husband of 13 yrs. is non-compliant type 2 diabetic. At this stage he's sleeping more hours of the day than awake, his feet are so bad he can barely walk. He's given up and won't accept any help now. I've left him twice already, once to shock him out of it, once to save my sanity. Now I can only share some part of myself with people who know exactly what I'm talking about. I am encouraged by the post's that emphasize to take care of ourselves and make whatever future plans we need to, it really gives me some hope that I'll get through this somewhat intact.?? I hope - need this so much right now.

I really thought I was the only one going through this torture of watching someone you love...slowly go away. And I've left him twice- once to 'shock' him out of it, the second time to save my sanity. I'm back again and watching him die because he gave up. I would like to write more details, if it would help anyone else. I wanted to respond to 'waiting to live's comments, I relate so much to her thoughts. I feel like I can take a bigger breath now at least, knowing I'm in a bigger group that I never knew existed.
_______________

Well, you are definitely NOT alone!!!  While I've had a year off, I still go through the emotions every day.  I doubt it ever ends, even after the spouse dies.  I know that my hubby is lying in bed all day long at his dad's, watching TV.  I know he is not eating right at all.  But he's there and I'm here and I'm doing so much better at taking care of me.  And because of that, I'm feeling better than I have in the last 4 years!!!

_______________

Deb wrote:


've read your blog for quite a while now. I live with a diabetic partner too, so that's how I started reading it. Just wanted to say that I am very happy that you have found peace and a life for yourself!

Thanks Deb!!!

Jane wrote:

So glad to hear your update. Have thought of you often. You do not know me---but I am behind you on many levels for many reasons.


Well, Jane, I do not know you, but I'm sure our lives are on similar paths if you read this blog.  And because of that, I may know you better than those who know you!  LOL!!!  I guess what I'm saying is that wives of non-compliant diabetics are all sisters on some level.  And these blogs do help.  


Here's to all of us - may we have a great month!

DW

Another month gone by

I will try to post once a month just so I can remember what's going on.  Hubby is still living at his dads. He has now been gone 10 months.  I'm adapting nicely to being "single".  He still calls 2-3 times every day, but says he is not coming back here.  Week before last, he had to put our 13 yr old chihuahua to sleep.  That was very sad.  But it is so much better than having the pup suffer in pain.

I bought a new dining table and chairs.  I have always hated the one we had.  He bought it when he was still married to his ex.  I have not told him.  I put the old one in the garage.  I'm still busy in the garden and see absolutely no end in sight to that!  Taking up way too much of my time, but I love it.  Life seems to be flying by.  I rarely even think about diabetes.  I have much less stress, much less worrying.

He calls and says he is depressed, sad, tired.  I wonder why he calls to tell me things like that.  Does he want me to cheer him up?  It is not my job.  Does he want me to feel sorry for him?  It is not my job.  Does he think I can fix things for him?  It is not my job.  But I do wonder why he keeps calling so much.  Am I a "connection" to something he wants to hold on to?  Does he honestly think we can live apart for a year and then pick up where we left off should his father die?  What if his dad lives another 10 years?  No - I would not allow this to go on that long, but how long?

Family and friends are starting to ask me why we are still married.  I tell them I will not ask that question until it has been a year, then I will start asking.  But the questions are starting.  Do I want him to come home?  Could I live with him again?  Could we make a "home" together after so much time apart?  Am I refusing to move forward because this is "easy"? and the unknown future is frightening?  Am I just too comfortable with the current arrangement?  All questions I will face sometime, but not at this time.

For now, I'm continuing my own personal grief over mom's death. I'm growing as a person.  I'm healing after 4 intense years of caring for a diabetic roller coaster ride from near death to life.  And I think as long as I'm healing, I'm in a good place.

DW

Living a full life

at the moment.....

:o)

Who knew that I would love gardening?  It has come as a complete surprise to me!  Up and outside most morning by 6 am and working until 10 or when it gets hot.  I've built a 4x12 deck, framed in a porch over it in front of a shed that I'm converting to a play house....for me!  LOL!!!

Put in a timed sprinkler system.  Put in a terraced stone wall flower garden, 3 layers deep.  Learning that I can do just about anything I want to do.  Took an old youth bed, cut the sideboards and turned it into a bench for the new deck.  Dug up a pond, moved it, making flower beds and paths everywhere I can.  And to my amazement, things are surviving and growing.  :o)

Spending parts of most days with one of my sisters, crafting, visiting old friends, doing things I want.  It is nice.

Hubby still calls 2-3 times a day.  He has settled into a routine of taking care of his dad, shopping for groceries and other things, taking his dad to the doctor, taking the dogs to the vet.  He seems resolved to stay put and I'm still enjoying the absence of diabetes in my daily life.  He did have another optical migraine over the weekend.  That day he called me numerous times.  I know he gets scared when he can't see.  But he took his meds, took a long nap and it did eventually go away.  Other than that, things seem to be just fine.

As I meet new friends here, or hook up with old friends, and tell them our history, it makes me wonder how I've gotten through the past few years.  And then I remember - one day at a time.  I think it's sort of like gardening.  You just do a little bit every day, a couple of hours ever morning, and in 6 weeks you realize what great progress you've made!  So for those dealing with a non-compliant diabetic spouse, just take it one day at a time.  :o)

Just how noncompliant can you get?

It has now been a year since hubby has seen any kind of a doctor or had any labs done.

How long will they allow him to refill his prescriptions?

He is self medicating.  His humulin ru500 is now 50 units in the morning and another 50 units at night.  Remember, it is 5 x the normal insulin dosage.

How much is too much?

He has been gone 9 1/2 months.

I fill my days with gardening, crafts and family.

My nights are awfully lonely.

My denial of what I know he is doing to himself grows daily.

Denial is what keeps me surviving.

Time heals all

Hubby is much better.  His dad is getting better.  Still in the hospital, but making baby steps every day.  He's been in for 4 1/2 weeks now with no sign of getting discharged.

He is scared

Hubby called.  He is scared.  He has had almost non-stop diarrhea for the last week.  He can't eat a thing.  I told him to go to a doctor.  He said he won't go.  He's a thousand miles away.  His dad is still in ICU, battling kidney failure right now.  His brother went home.

History:
2009 Heart attack
2010 Bypass surgery
2011 Spinal fusion surgery
2012 Let go from work/moved/mother died
2013....

only 4 years since his heart attack.  only 3 years since his bypass surgery.  he should be good for at least 2 more years.

2 years since the spinal fusion surgery.  I honestly think that they re-routed his intestines as he has simply not had a correct digestive system since then.

Or is it the long-term diabetes simply catching up with his intestines?

Is he at "uncontrolled diarrhea" listed here?

Does he have diabetic neuropathy?

He is either going to get sick enough that he will want to see a doctor, or continue to suffer until he winds up in ER.  I feel so bad for him.  But I really can't help him.

He's back!!

I must really be a terrible person.  I am so not enjoying his company.  He is passing the worst gas ever.  We were in the car for an hour today and I thought I was goimg to vomit.  That's how rank it was.  I know he can't help it, but I can't stand that rank sweet smell that tells me his sugar is out of kilter.  Have you ever smelled what I'm talking about?

He has the volume on the TV so loud the floor vibrates.  Has he gotten that deaf?

H started out driving today and in 5 minutes he had to pull over.  He took a prescription pain pill last night and it made him start to get ill.  I was happy to drive, but I wonder why he even wanted to head out.

He bangs every single door whether it is the kitchen cabinets, the bedroom door or the front door.  I don't know why or when that started.  I think I am just over sensitive to everything right now.  But sad as it sounds, I am not enjoying his company.  Nothing has changed.  It's like I stepped back in time to 7 months ago.  All I can say is that I was blessed to have such a long break.  I am really, truly sorry that I feel this way.  I don't think he has a clue.  He is just like a bull in a china store...plodding his way through life completely obvious to how fragile things around him are!!!

has it been a month?

since I last posted???  WOW!  How time flies.  Hubby is still living a thousand miles away helping out with his dad.  Dad had a colonoscopy last Friday and is in surgery at this moment having 1/3 of his colon removed.  It's cancer.  Age 81.  They will send samples to the lab to see if it has spread to his liver and we will know in a couple of weeks.

Hubby seems to be holding up well.  His brother is there right now.  If all goes well, he will be here the end of the week for 10 days, then back to his dad's so his brother can go home.  I have packed up more of his stuff that he wants to take back with him.  Looks like this separation is for the long haul.

He was supposed to line up doctor's appointments and that didn't happen.  It has been a year since he last saw any of his doctors.  He continues to tell me that he will not go back.  I cannot worry about that.  What I do know is that his A1c is down because he has increased his Humulin Ru500 (5x concentrated) to 40 U am and 40U pm.  I know that is way, way, way high.  I cannot worry about that.

When we video skype, he looks different.  It will be good to see him in person.  I have not seen him since 1/22.  I can tell a lot just by looking at him.

I am keeping busy with gardening.  I'm also in the process of encapsulating the crawl space on my own.  That is a huge undertaking - hauling out chunks of concrete and other items one bucket at a time. I figure someone will find me dead under the house one of these days!  LOL!!!  My son has been coming here on the weekends and helping me dig up sod to put in new flower beds.  Time is flying.  Literally.  It has now been 7 months since hubby moved in with his dad.

I'm doing just fine.  :o)

DW

FIL is out of the hospital

Sometimes things are too funny to believe.  Hubby's dad woke up early Sat am and somehow had his partial plate tangled around his tongue.  The nurses couldn't get it out!  I think it scared them so they decided to discharge him.  Then he got his contact lens stuck in an eye and they had to suction it out.  

There are reasons why one should wear eye glasses and take their teeth out at night when you reach a certain age!  :o)

And a family of at least 7 skunks has come to life under the house, so the exterminators have been called and 4 have been trapped and relocated.  The remaining 3 (at least that many) had a squabble last night and I guess the smell is horrible.  I am glad I'm not there!

Can I tell you how much I am enjoying the reprieve from medical stuff?  From diabetes?  From highs and lows???  OK - also from channel surfing, grocery shopping, cleaning......from the roller coaster?

Some days I just sit here in my solitude.  Other days I am beyond hectic.  My youngest sister popped in for a visit today while I was out back cleaning out the shed and working in the garage.  Tomorrow another sister is coming to cut my hair.  Next weekend I will spend with a friend a hundred miles away while we get creative with our art.  I'm starting dance lessons with my youngest sister this week.  She's been going for  a few weeks and I decided to join.  

So....I sing on Mondays, dance on Tuesdays, do Bible study on Wednesdays, teach art on Thursdays....and try to keep my weekends free!!!  I know that things always change and this may not last, but I am truly enjoying life at the moment!  And I think it's finding it's own balance!

Hope the same goes for each of you!

DW

Even Steven

Where did that phrase come from?  LOL!!!  I think it's how to describe my life right now.  Good days and bad days...even numbers so things are in balance.

Hubby's dad is in the hospital and while I don't think it's too serious, he will be in at least 5 days and hubby is stressed to the max.  I'm noticing it.  Hubby doesn't remember that he told me something or that I told him something.  He is getting facts confused and his dates are out of whack.  He's done this in the past when he has high stress.  I have to handle the situation carefully.  "Yes, I know.  Don't you remember I told you your daughter called and told me that?"  And then he will say that he remembers. Or he will argue for an hour that I never told him his daughter called.  Some of it is comical.  Most of it just annoys me....like he should get a notebook and write it down.  LOL!!

I am continuing my cleaning spree!!  And that is keeping me busy!!   After I took down the cabinets in the garage I came across boxes of hubby's stuff he never unpacked.  So I decided to gut his bedroom.  Took down all the board type shelves and put in 2 huge glass front bookcases.  All his books, nick knacks and such are now behind closed doors....way less dust.  I bought him a new desk.  Will be his surprise when he comes home.  Of course the hutch was 2" too short for his monitor.  My incredible brother-in-law built a riser and it looks like its part of the hutch.  All the computer components fit nicely inside the desk and no more huge clumps of cables to stare at!  All the boxes are unpacked and everything has been put away.

So next week I will get back to working on the garage.  I'm also teaching art again.  2 classes this month.  And taking some classes.  It's all good!

Balance.  Even Steven.  Things are working out.  Evolving.  Just thought I'd let you know!

.

Sometimes I do wonder

How much a person can go through.  To Tom's wife, I truly understand.

I used to think in terms of "years".

2/2009 hubby had a heart attack in Mexico
3/2010 hubby had a triple bypass
2/2011 hubby had spinal fusion surgery and nearly died

Then things started speeding up...

3/2012 hubby was laid off
5/2012 we downsized by 2000 sf and moved 125 miles away, giving up our friends and lifestyle
7/2012 mom got really ill, started on hospice, required 24/7 care

Then weekly

9/14/2012 hubby's mom died
9/21/2012 my mom died
9/22/2012 I find out about hubby's credit card debt
9/30/2012 hubby approved for disability, files for bankruptcy

12/12/2012 we file for legal separation

A month cleaning out 2 houses
My 14 year old chihuahua has a heart attack and we are told he has 6 months to live

There have been so many many moments when I have not been able to breathe.  Panic.  Fear.  Grief.  Loneliness.  Sometimes it is just too overwhelming. Sometimes I simply can't think.  Some days I pretend its not me just so I can get thru the day.

Hubby continues to do well.  Thank goodness!  We continue to get along just fine.  Maybe we are meant to have a long distance relationship.  He has his moments when he wants to get in the truck and just drive home.  But he can't leave his dad.  I have moments when I want to hop on a plane, but I have responsibilities here.

Today was not a good day for me.  I ripped out all the old junk cabinets that were in the garage when we bought this house.  Symbolic?  Cleaning out the crap in my life?  Who knew that I could take out cabinets???  Last week I completely rearranged all the furniture inside the house.  Excess energy?  Working through all my grief?  Maybe I should just take up running!  LOL!!

Life does go on.  One step at a time.  One day at a time.  I am slowly getting back into a pattern, a routine.  A new pattern.  Not the same as it was before, but scheduling trips to the big city, dentist and doctors visits, taking a few classes....getting back into life.

There are still moments when I miss mom so much I have a good cry.  Still times when it hurts to breathe.  Still days when I don't get out of bed.  But they are fewer and far between.  Slowly, life is getting back to life.

How much more can I take?  I'd rather not even think about it!!!

Life is too funny - in retrospect!!

I didn't leave!  Well, I tried.  Got 10 miles east and my car died.  Literally.  Guess it should...it's 11 years old.  No one here wants to fix it.  The dealership wants $4000 to fix it and I can't see putting that much into a car that old.

So we bought a new car today.  A small compact that gets excellent gas mileage.  I'm delighted.  I will stay til Sunday as hubby's birthday is Saturday.  Had to cancel all my plans at home.  Hopefully my brother-in-law can help hubby fix my old car when he comes to visit...he's a pretty good mechanic.

Needless to say, I just went right back to cleaning.  It's a never ending thing with this place.  Tackled a very old chandelier with at least 50 glass prisms and it came out gorgeous!!

FIL continues to make progress.  He's more alert, participating more and more in conversations.  Went to the dealership with us today.  Doing much better at taking his medications on time.  Hubby seems to be doing better as well.  He is laughing and teasing more.  I've seen more of the old hubby in the last month than I have in the last 4 years.  Maybe this is a good place for him to be.

So even though I've had a setback in getting home, it's been a good week.

DW

My last day here

Tomorrow is my last day and then I'm heading home.  Very mixed emotions for both of us.  We know he has to stay.  We're pissed off that his brother isn't willing to help out.  I'm peaceful about being separated.  Exhausted at all the cleaning, sorting I've done.  Pleased that the guys will be living in a clean place.

Tomorrow will be bittersweet.  Hubby has been doing very well for the most part with is diabetes.  He has to remind his dad twice a day to take his shot and he takes his first so he can tell his dad he already took his.  Maybe he needs someone to take care of?   Maybe having someone else with diabetes helps him?

Overall, it's been a good month and we have gotten along better than we have in the past 4 years.  Isn't that an eye opener?  I will fly back in a couple of months and hold a huge estate sale.  I have a 2 1/2 car garage full to the brim with stuff.  And I've found a few treasures to take home....mostly genealogy files and photographs to scan in.

I am looking forward to getting some good rest.  To having some alone time.  To seeing my sisters.  I have not had a moment to work on any of my art projects that I brought with me, so I'm looking forward to that as well.

Been a pretty good month.

DW

Losing vision with lows

We were going into a small cafe at lunch today and hubby was having a low.  He couldn't see.  Scared me to death!!

Walked right up to the counter and told the first gal I saw that he was having a low, did they have OJ.   She brought him a tall glass so fast.....  And he was just fine.  But she was more upset than anyone.  Came over several times to check on him and said she knew she could find a candy bar if he needed one.  I just thought that was so cute!

Came home and he slept most of the afternoon.  Seemed to be just fine this evening.  I reminded him that hie as to take care of his himself so he can take care of his dad.  He promised to put glucose tabs in the truck.

I'm making great progress here and have a week left to go which will be so hard as there is still so much to do.  Happy with what is getting done!

DW

Scott wrote:

Wow - just found this blog - seems like i'm in the same boat as everyone else -- except that it's my wife of 17 years with uncontrolled type 2. i like your mantras - can relate to all of them, and I say them myself, and hope one day that I'll actually believe what it is that I'm saying. She lied to me (again) last week about her numbers - came out and said she had checked her blood 3x that day and that all were in the 100s, but then i checked her meter and found she only checked once and it was 275, and that she maybe checked 1x over prior days and all results were poor. For me, it was the straw that broke this camel's back as I told her that I cant continue like this (it's gone on for years already) and that I wanted a divorce. She begging me to stay. We have a 13 year old child. It's a nightmare.... 



I haven't done the research, but I'm going to guess that diabetes is not sex specific.  I'm going to guess the way that it works to destroy blood cells, limit oxygen to the brain, damage the heart, memory....how a person reacts to highs and lows...is pretty much the same in a man or a woman.

I have often wondered why they lie about their numbers.  I always think that if he loves me, he will tell me the truth.  The reality is that he almost always lies about his numbers.  Especially when he wants to go out to eat!!!  "Oh, I was only 105 this morning, we can go out for lunch!" Yeah, right!

And I will confess that I am the world's slowest learner.  But at least I am still learning!  LOL!!!

We all have to keep our sense of humor in order to stay sane.  So, Scott, I'd like you to know that my "camel's" back has been broken so many times that it's now a sway back camel!  :o)  I always think, "this is it, I'm done" and then I remember a good time, or he promises to be good, or he begs to stay.  

So explain this one to me.  We have filed for a legal separation, but I'm at his dad's cleaning, sorting, fixing, moving dad into MIL's apartment, moving hubby into dad's MBR.  Why am I the one doing all the dirty work?  And I cannot begin to explain how filthy dirty, dust covered - grease soaked most of this house is!  I am pulling out papers, wool and silk clothing - loaded with worm eggs.  I have had moments when I want to vomit.  I bought some really thick painters gloves that come up to my elbows, a face mask and do you know what happened?  His dad was offended!!!!  I did laugh!  I suggested that he pull everything out of the drawers and when I showed him a pair of silk long johns embedded with worm eggs.....he decided I could cover up no matter how I wanted!

For us, we have to go about this slowly.  I have to act married until he realizes that we are not.  We have to live separately  - I'm going to guess for at least 2 years.  I know him.  I know myself.  We can't just divorce and be done with it.  It's not who we are.

One of my sister's best friends was married to a non-compliant diabetic.  He decided he wanted a divorce.  He got healthy.  He lost weight.  He exercised.  He no longer has diabetes.  And she took care of him all those years (nearly 40) for what?

I'm thinking life is way too short for me to be here cleaning or for you to live with a wife who can't quit denying what her numbers are (obviously that's what she's doing).  And I think a 13 year old might understand, but if it were me, I'd seek custody.  Think of the ramifications of a child left with a mom who lies.  I often think that if they give themselves permission to lie about the numbers, they will give themselves permission to lie about everything else. 

You do not have an easy road.  But know that we understand and that no matter what you decide to do we'll cheer you on!

DW

Tis the season for sugar highs!!!

I know it was Christmas.  I know it's a day of celebration.  But must they eat every piece of chocolate in the county?  LOL!!!

Hubby and I are at his dad's and things are going fairly well.  We decided not to tell anyone that we have filed for a legal separation.  I have been cleaning and sorting like an insane person.  And I do think there is some insanity with this.  My in-laws had not cleaned in forever.  I have never actually seen dust bunnies.  About and inch deep on top of her dresser.  Not just the very top, but the top, the shelves, everything sitting on it, dolls, stuffed animals, the tops of the curtains.....my asthma had a rather rough day today and I need to find a vacuum cleaner around here and sweep up as much as I can before I start in tomorrow.

It's sort of funny/sad.  There are dresser drawers that I cannot open....it's been that long since they were last opened and the wood has swollen and warped.  I opened one today and pulled out a pair of silk long johns that were filled with moth eggs.  gag me!  But I'm making progress.  Have sorted out all the dolls and gave them all to the grandkids and great grandkids via Skype.  Have sorted out all the linens, Hallmark Ornaments, and have bagged over 300 pieces of costume jewelry and will have my FIL help decide who gets what on that.  Every single closet in this house is bulging.  My MIL never tossed a thing.  So most of what is here is worthless.  It's just so old.

Both hubby and FIL have diabetes.  FIL's glucose runs from 200 to 499.  Not very good control at all  We are trying hard to remind him to take his insulin shots, eat on a schedule, take his pills (4x a day) and just keep him on some kind of regular schedule.  He is 79.  He sleeps way too much.  I'm sure much of that is the depression of losing his wife.  They had been married 59 years.  He has moments when he wants to get rid of everything that was her's, but I am pulling out little things to keep and set on shelves here and there  I told him that the Grandkids need to see their grandma's things when they come to visit and he was ok with that.

I have 3 weeks down here and find I am running from 6 am to 10 pm....and hubby is doing pretty good about helping out when I ask.  He is mostly sorting through paperwork while I go through stuff and clean.  We are moving FIL into the attached apartment that his mother used to live in.  Hubby will then move into the master bedroom in this part of the house.  Then everything else has to be sorted, gotten rid of, etc.  We figured if we got FIL into the apartment and got him to downsize to that, then it would be easier to get rid of the rest of the stuff.....and put the house/apartment up for sale.  I still think it's going to take 2 years!!!

Life is good when you keep this busy!

DW

My sincere apologies

to those who have emailed me in private these last 3 months and I have not responded.  Not to make excuses, but my laptop died and I have been blogging from my ipad.  Not the easiest thing to do.  And I use yahoo as my email for this blog and it somehow was attacked by a website that posted 3 - 4 emails a day.  So when I looked, I never saw your emails!

Today....I am the proud owner of a new laptop!  YEAH!  And as I was transferring email accounts over....I stumbled on so many emails from all of you.  Most about the time that mom died.  I'm actually happy to have waited to read them tonight.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!  I did try to respond to each one of them, so if you did not get a note from me and you wrote to me, try again!  (I think I got rid of the spammer!)

Also today, we got all the paper work notarized and filed.  It was a terribly busy day.  Some sadness.  But we both agree this is the route we need to take.  As I wrote to someone, I am grateful that I know I will be getting a 6 month break.  I need it.  I am going to rest.  Work in my garden in the spring - they are all flowers if I didn't mention that.  I planted 120 tulips last fall and am anxious to see if any pop up this spring! The climate here is a bit warmer than where we lived, so I'm not sure I've planted them too deep for the old months.  I will find out soon enough!

I have to repaint the ceiling in the house, take are of a few other things when I get back.  So I will be busy and I will keep posting.  We are moving forward with debt reduction negotiations with his creditors.  That will be an interesting project.  I've done a ton of research so I think we can handle this on our own.  When I went to the court house today, the clerk was impressed with how accurately we had completed all the paperwork and said that we didn't miss a single form. She couldn't remember that ever happening.  I was pleased.  If one can be pleased about getting a separation.

Once again, my apologies to all of you who wrote when mom died.  I do think I'm going through the grief process just fine and am on the upward side of things.  Life is starting to look a little better.  I'm getting more active with my art and will teach classes once I get back home.  Hopefully I can have 6 months of happy posts here!

DW

Agreeing to agree

He is home and things are going ok.  Medically:  horrible digestive problems.  Not sleeping.  Terrible back, hip pain.  Glucose a little high, but better than it has been.  40 units of humulin ru 500 each am and pm.  That's a ton of insulin going in.

We are heading back to his dads this weekend as his brother will be flying home.  I will stay 3 weeks then drive home.  He will stay 3 months, then home a month, then back for 3 months.  Then we will reevaluate.  We have agreed to get a legal separation and he is going to quit claim deed the house to me.   Probably the best of all worlds for now.  I see a difference in him.  He now has to look after his dad and it is wearing on him.  Yes, I could stay with him, but he actually wants me here as he's not comfortable leaving our home unoccupied for an extended period of time.  I also think he does not want me to have the stress of being there when I want to be here with my family.

It is interesting as I see my family moving forward thru our grief process over mom ....and his family is not.  They still talk as though his mom is coming home tomorrow.  His dad was here for 2 days...to meet his gr grandchildren.  I agree with my hubby that if they moved his dad right now, it would kill him.  So we are agreeing to agree to this arrangement for the next 6 months, then we will reevaluate it.  Hubby does not want to stay at his dads, but for now, it's what he thinks is best.  I'm letting him call the shots as I do not want to be blamed for anything that goes wrong.  And I think a legal separation may be a soft way to proceed with a divorce.  I'm not saying that we won't live together in the future, but for now, this is what we both agreed will work best.

And this may just be the whack on the side of the head that hubby needs to wake him up.  He is still extremely upset at how fast his mom died and with absolutely no warning.  I guess he thought that really didn't happen??  I am praying that he realizes what this would do to those who love and care about him if he drops dead from a heart attack.

Needless to say, it will be an interesting few months and I am planning to use my time to rest and gear up for whatever the next phase of my life might bring!!  I will continue to post updates to his medical condition from time to time.

DW

Home

He's home.

This is not my disease.

I can not change him.

I cannot fix him.

He is going to die.

This is his life, not mine.

There is no reason for me to get upset because I cannot change him.

These are his choices.

I am the only person who can make myself happy.

Just some of the mantras that help me get through each day, moment by moment.

Things are going pretty well.

As long as I remind myself of the above...moment by moment.

He is very happy to be home.  We have so much to do.  So many decisions to be made.  But not today.  His dad and brother are here and that is more than enough stress for me.  I also am not doing well with all the indecisiveness going on.  So i am moving forward with my own plans.  I will go back to his dads with him in a few weeks and stay until about 1/13.  Then I will come home.  He can make his own decisions.  Life will continue no matter what he decides.  This much I have learned!

Little things that he doesn't see.  He got home Friday night.  It is now Sunday night.  So in the last 48 hours, here is what he has eaten

Pound of grapes
Half pound of chicken
Quart of v8 juice
Egg muffin
Egg, bacon. Potatoes and muffin breakfast at a restaurant
5 slices of a large pizza
Egg, bacon biscuit
Meet, cheese and cracker tray
Burrito, potatoes and rice at a restaurant
Chips and salsa
Half a box of vanilla wafers

I cannot afford to have him here!!!



But for  now, all is well.

For that, I m extremely grateful.

DW

And the plans have changed again!

Now, hubby, dad and brother are leaving early tomorrow and will drive straight thru.  They will be here a week and then drive back.  Hubby will stay with his dad for 2 months, then come home for a month while his brother stays with their dad.  They will rotate this for a year???  I'm not sure I like that at all!!!  But maybe it will work out.  Who knows.  All I know is that I was not expecting them here for 3 more days so I better get busy!!!

Progress...somewhat

No bankruptcy.  He agreed to cash I a pension and use those funds to pay off his debt.  The attorney will work with his creditors to get the balance as low as possible.  Once that's done we will see where we are financially.  I am pleased that he will not go through bankruptcy.

He may be home by the middle of the month.  Bringing his dad and brother with him.  My biggest question is what is the plan if his dad moves here and hubby gets sick?  I cannot be responsible for his dad.  His brother has to agree to come get him.  And I think we all know that hubby will get sick.

Kind of amazing that he's been so healthy the pasta 2 months, huh?  I think he can stay healthy here, or go back to his dads!!!

I am doing good.  Walking a again, eating healthy, getting more done around here.  You know how it is when you move into a new place. You put things away just to get them inboxes.  This week I've been organizing a bit.  I had meds in 3 different places and now they are all in one place.  Things like that.  Feels good to make a little better sense of where things are.

Busy week ahead.  My sister got all moved in and we have been working to get all of her stuff unpacked.  Will be so nice once we all all settled.  So I now have 2 sisters living where I do and our brother is 30 minutes away.  Our other sis is about 4 hours away so guess we start working on her!  She says not until she retires.  Ha ha!

I plan to totally enjoy these last few days before the drama starts in.  Yes, I will still talks to a divorce lawyer....but I do plan to go very slow and make a solid decision, not one based on anger.

DW

Grrr....Hsss....

He can drive me insane at times like this.  We have a very old laptop (2001) that we use as a media server in this house.  We do not have TV, cable, etc., so he loads movies on to external hard drives attached to this laptop and we can watch the movies from any room.

So the server needed to be rebooted and when I did that, it lost it's connection to the wireless network, and forgot the password.  I typed in the password I thought he used.  It's only 22 digits long.  A little paranoia there?  I have begged him over the years to make it shorter....nothing doing.

It came back invalid.

I called hubby and asked him if he could give me the password for the home network.  I was then back at the desktop in his bedroom.  So he says (blah blah blah) and I said, no, that's the log in password for that computer.  Way too short for the internet password.  He says, "which wireless are you trying to log into?"  I said (2nd time) the "home network".  He says "B----?" and I said, "yes".  So he starts quoting the password and I said,  "no, that's wrong, it starts with N-----"

And he said, "what network are you wanting?"

And I said, "OK, I cannot deal with this tonight.  I just don't need this".  And I hung up on him.
He called right back, but I didn't answer.  I mean, seriously, how many times do I need to tell him which network?  We only have 2 networks.  One for him to use and one for me, guests, anyone else, including the media server and it's just identified as "home".

He has to be having a sugar crash to be this dumb.

OR......

he's watching something on TV at his dad's and is trying to talk to me, but is paying more attention to whatever is on TV and not hearing a word I'm saying.

Let's take a poll.....what do you think???

OK, I need to have a little fun out of this, but I swear that when he gets "stupid" like this it absolutely drives me insane.  I'm going to bet that he calls me back at 9:30 pm when his "Sunday night TV shows" are over.

In the meantime, I did track down the password by going into his desktop and looking at his keychain.  Sure enough, there it was.  Sigh.  At least I can now watch a movie tonight.  I totally think I should put a TV in the bathroom where I could take a long hot bath and watch a movie!  Should be a requirement for any woman!

Duh!!

DW

Life is hard

And I haven't had a moment to think.  Cleaning my sisters new place, helping her move, art classes, family...the days are flying by that's for sure.  Long distance marriage is getting interesting. Hubby wants to file for bankruptcy and I am opposed to that.  I know that he has ran his credit card bills up too high and that it wasn't his fault he was laid off.  But I do not want to risk losing this house or the small inheritance from mom, so I will meet with his bankruptcy attorney next week and plan to include divorce in that discussion.

Once that's done I will talk to a divorce attorney.  One step at a time.  In the meantime, I'm moving forward with some much needed dental work, new glasses, etc., and I want to take care of it before hubby gets home.

Thanks to those who wrote such nice words after my last post.  It really helps to know you know what I've been through.  While I have a hope that hubby and I will work it out, I've decided to make sure I cover all bases.

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving.  I went to my brothers and had a perfect day.

Dw

Truly considering a divorce

No, I won't make that choice yet, but I may tell  him I'm ready.

Twice now, he has wanted me to do something that I didn't want to do (financial stuff) and each time he has said, "if you don't want to do this with me, what is the point of staying married?"  I realize that he is simply saying this to manipulate me.  And I'm about ready to tell him that there is no point to staying married.

I've been on my own for 2 months now.  Missing him less and less.  Feeling more and more like suggesting he stay with his dad and we do a trial separation, or a legal separation.  Maybe I'm just in a bad mood tonight because he called today,  wanting something else.  When he started in with the "you just don't love me ..."  I told him to stop and hung up on him.

But I have to confess that he did not sound right and I should have known that the minute he started  talking he was not well.  Sugar off?  He hasn't done labs since June.  As of tonight, he can stay where he for another 6 months!  LOL!!!

Maybe I had forgotten how it is to live without diabetes and maybe I like this.

I'm sure time will tell.  I'm not sure I have the strength to go through a divorce.  But I may at least talk to a lawyer.  Mom once said that when she died all of her kids would fall apart.  Maybe this is me falling apart.

DW

Fabulous week!!!

A friend of mine from our old home came to visit and spent a week.  We had so much fun.  Ate out.  Shopped.  Took a couple of art classes.  Hosted an art class here.  Talked forever.  I cannot believe how fast the week went.

Hubby is getting more and more homesick.  Planning to come home the second  week of December now, so I have much to do before that!  Starting to get cold outside, so I'm cutting back on my yardwork.  But what great therapy that has been this summer.  I can hardly wait for spring to see if the 120 tulips I just planted come up!  I still have flowers to cut back - hopefully next week.

So it's been a week since I've had a moment alone.  A cousin came to stay last night and 2 of my sisters were here.  2 other friends stopped by so there were 7 of us here around the table laughing and creating.    Sort of glad hubby is gone.  I think every spouse of a diabetic need a couple of months off every year!  I may have to send him to visit his dad every winter....that's if his dad doesn't move here.  Nope, not even going to think about any of that right now.  Just continuing to enjoy the break, have a little fun, get a few more things done and prepare for the coming storm when he gets home!  LOL!!!

DW

Life is good

Hubby is still staying with his dad a thousand miles away.  And will be gone at least another month.

He still complains, but I don't have to hear it all day long.  He still does not sleep at night.  Still gets upset at the tiniest thing.  But it is nice to be far away and not deal with it.

Can I maintain when he gets home?  I'm going to try!

No labs since June.  No way to really know how he is doing.

I do worry.  But I just put the thoughts on the back burner.  Enjoying this reprieve, using the time to get in some good rest.  Enjoying a very quiet solitude.  Spending lots of time with my sisters.  Doing things I have put off for years.  It really is nice!

DW

Has it really been 11 days?

since I last blogged?  How can it possibly be 4 weeks since mom died?  5 weeks since his mom died?  I feel like I only blinked my eyes once.....life is just on fast forward.

We had our second grief class this week and I feel certain that my sisters and I are on tract.

Hubby is still 1000 miles away with his dad and I feel certain they still have not even started the grief process.  FIL wants to go shopping every day and I told hubby today that I think it's way of avoiding facing his grief and that rather than shopping, they drive by places FIL and MIL used to go together, sort of gently force the grieving to start.

But can you imagine.....both men are diabetic???  Feeding off each other????  I have simply decided to stay home and go through my grieving alone.  And I have to say, I am enjoying the caregiver break!  I am getting rested, started watercolor painting classes, taking the grief class, walking, eating much more healthy, and going to start a Bible study.  Finally.  Time out for me!

I do know that I will eventually go.  But hubby are doing ok with a "skype marriage".  We talk several times a day, probably more than we did when together.  We are talking a ton about what is said in my grief classes and I think he needs this.  He's just fine talking about my mom.....hopefully that will progress to him talking about his mom.

Still no idea where FIL is going to end up living.  Still no progress on sorting through MILs things.  I think I'm ok if hubby decides to stay with his dad most of the winter.  He's thinking of flying home for a few days in late November.  It really is amazing how much business you can accomplish with emails, online signatures, skype....it's really a new world, isn't it?

In the midst of all of this, we have changed health insurance and gone from premium option to standard option.  It is the first time in my entire life that I have not had premium insurance and I think the co-pays will kill me.  But we can no longer afford the cost of premium insurance.  Retirement does that.  I told hubby he simply has to go less, and be more in control of his own body, not require doctors to review him every other month.  We now live in a tiny community and have to drive over 100 miles to see a specialist.  He can get labs done here, so we will stay on top of that for sure.  Of course, he has gone a year in the past without getting labs.

Things do seem to be settling into a routine of sorts.  I have no idea how long we can maintain this way, but for now, all is good.

DW

Hospice, so wonderful

They offer support for an entire yer to the whole family.  My sisters and I will start a class this week.  Last week we went to a group session...just to hear what they had to say.  I think it will help.

Grief applies to spouses of diabetics as we lose the normal spouse we married and as we lose his ability to do things.  The loss of sexual relations due to ED.  The loss of having an able bodied spouse who can help.  The loss of money that goes to pay for medical expenses.  The loss of a job because you have to take care of someone else.  The loss of the marriage because you can no longer take all the highs and lows.  There are just so very many losses with this disease.

Last week they said don't do anything fast.  Don't make any quick decisions.  Don't get rid of the deceased's stuff.  I thought that was interesting.   We gave out all of moms belongings within a week.  She was staying with my sister who just wanted to get back some semblance of a normal life and she had given up her bedroom for mom to stay there.  I will never fault her for doing what she did with such great speed.

But hubby's dad is different.  He will need to hold on to MILs stuff, touch it, feel it, remember her through it.  Proof we each grieve in a different way.  And I think each of us spouses must surely grieve the loss of our healthy spouses in a different way.

I wonder what would happen if I went to a grief support group and said I was there to grieve the loss of my healthy husband.  Would they ask me to leave?  But that is exactly what I did for quite a long time.  And I go thru the whole grief process every time we have to give up something we enjoy doing because he has a new set of problems.

I hope that as I progress thru this series of classes that I can process the loss of my mom and his mom.  But I hope I can apply it to the loss of my healthy husband as well.  It's going to be interesting to say the least.

Tonight he is tired and wants to come home, but knows that he has to stay there until his sister in law arrives which will be a few more weeks.  He was listing all the things he missed here...but sort of changed his tune when on I said I missed him....I missed him mowing the yard, missed him picking up the mail, missed him doing this and that.  Maybe he's not missing it here nearly as much as he thought!  LOL!!!

DW

Someone said

Now is my chance to leave him.....back on my lst post.  Well, I've had enough grief counseling in my life to know that now is not the time to make any life decisions.  I need to put anything like that off.  I need to grieve the loss of my mom.  Not leave hubby.

We are learning to live as a Skype couple.  At least with Skype y can see each other when you talk, see the body language.  We are working thins out.  He is going g to stay there and I am going to stay here.  As long as it takes.  Neither of us are going to make any major decisions.

And I think that is perfect.  I am getting a much needed break.  And finding time to be with my sisters so we can get through the grieving process.  It must be different when you lose a second parent.  It sure feels different.  I think it's going to take a long time.  But we will get through it together.

And hubby is learning what it is like to care for a parent.  Maybe in that process, he will start taking better care of himself.  I am not worrying about him.  I am doing just fine on my own.  Hopefully when he does come home, things will be better.  Ok, I have earned the right to dream!!  LOL!!!

My biggest problem is that since mom died, I haven't been able to sleep.  In fact,none of us have.  S this week I'm going to work on that.  Ha!  I'm setting goals.  I think that's a good thing.  Lets hope I get a little more sleep tonight.

DW

A very rough day.

Here we are, about a thousand miles apart.  Each of grieving the loss of our own mom without the support of each other.  Hubby got mad because he took something I said the wrong way...so he decided we should get a divorce.  Was that a sugar low?  How can I tell?  I'm here, not there.  I have no idea if he is doing what he needs to do to keep his sugars in control.  I imagine not.

I went to grief counseling.  Maybe good ideas.  I called him and told him what they said.  He agreed with everything.  This was 6 hours later.  We're his levels back in control?  Within 6 hours he changed from getting divorced to loving me and staying together.

I have learned to give him time when stuff like this happens.

I did NOT need this today!!  In fact, I don't ever need it!!

Perhaps he finally gets it that we both have to grieve and it is going to be in different ways, at different speeds, and different processes?  I suggested to him that he needs to fly home and give his dad a few days alone so his dad can start to grieve.  He said maybe.  I know he is scared to death his dad will die alone.

We may be apart awhile.  The longer I am here, the more he schedules for me to do.  And I'm fine with that because its all stuff that has to be done.

And I think I need some space and time alone to grieve my loss.

Hopefully, he will keep his promise to me not to threaten divorce every time he gets upset over something I say.  I sure hope tomorrow is a better day.  I've had my stress quota for the month already!

DW

And some good news, finally!

Hubby was approved for Social Security disability.  No appeals.  It only took them 6 months.  I had expected it to take 2 years and all the appeals.  So medically speaking, is he worse than I think?

Will be grateful for the extra income...it will help.

Really hard week grieving my mom.  My birthday week.  What a combination.  Hubby wants me with him...I told him I just need a little more time.  I don't have the energy yet to face cleaning out his moms stuff.  I'm not sleeping most nights.  Hopefully in another week....

DW

How much stress...

can a couple handle?

Hubby was laid off/retired in March.  Our income was reduced by 80%.  We cashed in all our savings, sold tons of stuff, downsized by 2/3 and moved 125 miles away the end of May.  From big city hectic life to a small retirement community.

3 weeks ago, I had a lumpectomy.  A week ago last Friday his mom passed away.  Last Friday he buried her the same day my mom passed away.  Today we buried my mom.

Hubby is 1000 miles away taking care of his diabetic, heart patient dad.  I am here taking care of things that have to be done after my mom's passing.  Then I will have to join hubby and help him sell off everything and put his dad's house on the market and move his dad.

My diabetic husband who could barely take care of himself, staying with his dad.

I wonder if we will survive.  I honestly wonder how long his dad will live.  He has a pacemaker in.  He has had numerous heart attacks.  Diabetic. If I remember correctly, he takes 72 pills a day (many of them are vitamins and nutrients) but what a sight to sit and watch him count them all out every morning.

I worry that hubby will say there is no reason to stay here now and want to move somewhere else.  I just don't think I can move again.  I don't see how.  But there is no reason we couldn't move into his father's home and take care of him there - I can feel him thinking that - he just hasn't asked that question yet.

Tonight, I'm emotionally drained.  So hard to bury your own mom.  Maybe the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  I will cherish the memory of her forever.

DW

My mom

Mom passed away at 2:13 pm on Friday.  I am sooooooo grateful that I made it home in time.  And that hubby was able to get back to his parents to attend his mom's funeral on Friday.

Who could ever fathom the timing of this.  Both of our mom's going a week apart.

Both of us separated by more than a thousand miles.  I know he wants to be here with me, but he has to be there.  I feel like I need to be with him, but know I have to be here.  We bury my mom tomorrow.

It is certainly a mixed bag of emotions.  I know I'm not doing well at processing any of this.  I knew mom was dying.  But I didn't really think it would be this soon.  I sat and watched my dad die 20 years ago.  But this was different.  Mom's fingers and the palms of her hands started to turn purple.  The hospice nurse (oh! they were so kind and gentle with her and with us) explained the process.  They thought she had an hour left.  Her heartbeat was 138 beats per minute.  Her breathing was 26 breaths a minute.  They said equated to her running a marathon.  She ran that marathon for 4 more hours.  I personally think her heart gave out.  They kept her well sedated with morphine.

I was sitting on the right side of her bed, praying for her to be out of her pain and I thought her face had started to turn purple like her hands had done.  So I stood up to look at her whole face, and it looked rosey pink.

I walked over the the other side of her bed and sat down and started counting her breath rate.  Still the same that it had been for the last 4 hours.  I prayed that it would slow down.  I knew she was still running her marathon.  That was 2 pm.  At 2:05, I counted again, still the same.  I don't know why I was counting so often, but it gave me something to do.  My 3 sisters were out in the kitchen talking.  My brother was sitting over on the sofa.  Most of us had severe back pain at this point, but I couldn't leave her side.

At 2:08 pm, she suddenly did not take a breath in.  I sat up straight and started counting seconds in my head.  At 30 seconds I said to my brother, "tell the others, mom quit breathing."  Just as my sisters walked in, she took a deep breath.  And for the next 5 minutes - what seemed an absolute eternity, she would quit breathing, then take in a breath....probably less than 1 breath per minute.  Her face drained of blood, her tongue had literally turned black.  We had heard the death rattle for the last 4 hours.  We knew it was time.

I could not look at anyone for the tears.  I just sat there.  I was so relieved because she was out of pain.  But I was in so much grief I thought I couldn't breathe.  Know that she had been in such excruciating pain that at times, she would cry out for God to take her.  My heart just ached for her when she did that.

And now it was over.

We had so many people to call and tell.  So many emails to send out.  She had 5 children and each of us grieve so differently.  I needed to be creative....and was.  The sister next to me rearranges furniture, the next one drinks that youngest one cleans and my brother called me every hour just to connect.

It's been 3 days and it seems like time stopped the moment she quit breathing.  When my hubby called today I told him that I have to stay here as long as my siblings need me.  He agreed.  But his brother flies home tomorrow and that will leave him alone with his dad and he said he was so afraid that his dad would die before I got there.  I said, "Sweetie, you simply have to prepare for the fact that your dad can pass at any second and the only thing you can do is call 911."  And in all honesty, I do not expect his dad to live much longer at all.

How much grief and loss can one person bare?  Yes, Tom's Wife, I know I'm still recovering from my own surgery which not even 3 weeks ago.  I noticed yesterday how painful my right breast has become.  I am trying to take breaks, sit and rest, watch a little TV, as I can.  The good thing is that when I get to sleep, I am sleeping well.  But I am having trouble getting to sleep. My brain simply won't turn off.

I am so worried about my hubby.  Can he survive this?  Will he be the next to go?  I know I need to get back to where his is as quickly as I can.  But I know I need to be here to support my siblings.  I told one of my sisters today that I'm just not functioning right.  She knows how stressful this has been for me.  She came over and we just sat and talked all afternoon.  It was great.

I've now seen both of my parents die at home.  Dad took 6 weeks, mom took 8 weeks.  My husband's mother walked around the side of the bed and had a massive heart attack and was gone in a minute.  I can certainly say that while the latter is a huge shock to the survivors, I would much prefer to go that way.

Life is certainly hard.  It just seems this year we have had so much happen.  Hubby lost his job, retired, we moved, we had my cancer scare, his mom died and now mine.  We have to be at 100% for something going wrong with us physically.  I am trying to stay calm so I can stay healthy.

Tonight, I'm just numb.

DW

My mom

We got the Call Tuesday night that my mom was failing fast.  I needed to come hme.  Hubby would not let me drive alone.  Because of the time, distances from airports, I knew I could drive faster than flying.  We drove all night and were at moms by 9'am yesterday.  We have said our goodbyes to her and now we wait.

I think he needed to come tell her goodbye as he didn't get the chance to tell his own mom.  He seems more at peace.  Today, his son will meet me 2 hours away and take his dad on to the airport where hubby will fly back for his moms funeral.

I am staying home until my own mom passes which we think might be rather soon now.  She has ceased taking in any water or food.  Simply comes back up.  She wants to have you hold her hand.  I will be doing that as much as I can starting this afternoon.

Hubby does not want to leave.  He wants me by his side all the time.  I understand that.  But what else can you do when you are in a situation like this?  When mom dies, I will need to stay here a few more days, then drive or fly back to start packing up his dad.

Hubby's diabetes and the non stop roller coaster ride have prepared me for this.  Just one second at a time, one incident at a time, one step in front of the other.  Breathe in, breathe out.  Life is good.

DW

His mom

Frifay 4:30 pm.  Had just handed her hubby a diet coke and was walking around to her side of their bed.  They always take afternoon naps while watching tv in their room.  She had a massive heart attack and fell to the floor.  The paramedics arrived and revived her.  Got her to the hospital and had to revive her again, and then she died.

His brother called us at 6:30 pm as he was coming in with fresh grilled hamburgers.

I threw them and everything else in the freezer and in 45 minutes we were packed up, puppies packed, and on the road.  12 hours later we are here at his parents hme.  Picked his brother up at the local airport.

His dad is a diabetic, but his brother is not.  None of them are grieving....they are all in shock.  All day yesterday, they watched football and joked.  It was as if mom had gone to get her hair done and would be right back.  It,was so interesting to sit here and watch them


Knowing my moms condition, I expected to,get the call that she had passed.  We were totally unprepared for this and my hubby is so very very close to his mom.  He finally commentEd last night that he thought he must be a horrible person as he is not sad that she died.  I explained the grief process and told him he was still in the shock and denial phase.  But I also assured him that he should be so grateful that she went fast and did not suffer as my mom is doing.  He agreed.

I'm certain his entire body is out of whack with adrenaline running sky high, not sleeping properly, eating in the middle of the night...but now is not the time to worry about that.  I'm concerned that his heart will not sustain such grief when it does set in.  I'm even more concerned about the coming depression when he finally realizes mom is not coming back from her hair appointment.  I fear it will be significant.

I have written about her in the past.  In summary, she got shingles which went to trigeminal neuralgia in her eye.  She had gone blind in that eye with continuing severe pain.  Was looking to have the eye removed and the nerve cut.  She had suffered much in the last 3 years.  Form that standpoint, this is a blessing.  But that's something he will never understand.  Hie would choose to have her here, suffering as she was, than have her gone.  Something I understand...but I don't.

She took care of his dads diabetes.  Set his meds out for him daily.  We all agree that he cannot live alone.  He is 80 with heart, kidney problems and severe skin cancer.  Many decisions have to be made in the next couple of days.  Life changing choices.  We live 1100 miles from hubby's brother.  Dad could move into the little retirement center where my mom was.  Or hue can move to the other sons 5 bedroom home and be with him, his wife and 20 year old daughter.  But what if he refuses to leave here?  And the house has to be cleaned, things sold, moved...much work to be done and it rests on his 2 sons to do this.

As I look around here, it is hard to fathom she is gone.  Everything is just as it was when she was walking around the side of the bed on Friday.  And the realization that could happen to any of us.  I need to get up and clean my house every morning.  And no wonder mom said to put on clean underwear every morning!  What if it is my sister wh has the next heart attack and drops?  What will we do with mom?   Mom could live as she is anotherm10 years.  I Ned to do more to help my sister provide care for her, but how do I do that with a diabetic husband that exists me most days?  And when does life become too much and you have t say no?

All great questions.

No answers today.

I do not know how long we are staying.  I may fly hme this week.  I may drive home and he stay and fly later.  Mostly we just need to get through the next couple of days, make decisions, and g from there.    Amazing how much life changes with a single telephone call.

DW.

Surgery

Successful

Painful

Surgeon said it does not look cancerous

Pathology in a week

Interesting...problems breathing without oxygen in recovery

Took  4 hours to breathe on my own

Finally, success, release, 3 hr drive gone

48 hrs later it feels like the semi hit me head on!

Will be as good as new in a couple more days.

Glad it's over and the mass is out

Memory problems

We have a PO box that has a different zip code from our street address.  He was quoting the PO box and gave the street zip.  I reminded him there was a difference and he said, " no, they are the same"

When I repeated each zip code to him, he claimed he did not know they were different.

When we moved in, I gave him both addresses in writing.

Fortunately it's a small enough town that things get delivered.

Until yesterday when he learned that the gas company has not been delivering any bills to us.

Vision problems?

I forgot to tell write about a conversation hubby and I had yesterday.  We were sitting under the pergola. We were talking about what needed to be done first in the back yard.  I said I thought we should re-do the pergola.  He said, why?  It's just fine the way it is.  I said that the boards were crooked, the top was coming apart.

He got mad.  He said that the board on the south top end was perfectly straight.  

I said,  I'm sitting right here looking at it.  The outside board is straight, but the inside board is warped.  

He said, What are you talking about?  There is only one board.

I got up and pointed to the outside board and said, What is this then?

He said, "I don't know."

Then I pointed to the center top insert boards and showed him the 1 1/2" to 2" gap.  He said, "they just put them in wrong".

I said, "the long boards are so warped, the short ones are pulling apart"

At that point he just got pissed off and said, "do whatever you want, you will anyway"

Can he not see how the boards are warped?  He thinks there is one board on the south top end and there are 2.  He cannot see that the inside board is totally warped?  Has his vision changed that much?  Can he not see the 1 1/2" gap between the shorter boards and the long boards?

He has been having me do more and more of the driving.  I asked him to drive on an errand today - 8 miles one way - and he said, "no, you can drive" so I did.

If he can't see, why doesn't he just say so?

I'm tired of guessing.

DW

Lab results

First, thank you Lilly!  My surgery has been scheduled for 9/5.  We'll know more once the lab has finished with the mass once it's removed.

Hubby had new labs done (finally) this week.

His A1c is 6.4.  Amazing since the last one on 3/27/12 was 12.1.

Cholesterol is 173
Tryglicerides are 331....down from 1451
HDL is 28 (low)
Cholesterol non-HDL is 145
LDL is 79

His labs are looking so much better since we moved.  But I honestly think it's the reduction in stress since being laid off.  He really was in a mega stressful work situation. You'd think he'd be so estatic about these changes, but he's not.

I sure am!!!  Now to get him to move.  I'll see if he will go walk with me in the morning.  Lovely paths along the river here.  Only about 2 miles from the house.  We can drive down, park and walk.  He is not a morning person and by the time he wakes, it's usually too hot to walk.

Only time will tell.

DW

Annie wrote:

I have reached a point in my 6 year relationship with someone who has type 1 and I can't stand it anymore. Most of the time when he gets verbally abusive he says its because he is high or in some cases low. Is it just an excuse or is this ligit? I would hope that he is not using this as an excuse but I cant stand his usual statement anymore : " you know how I get when my blood sugar is high. How come you are being so sensitive."? This is all hard to explain in one blurb but I have been so patient, and even if I need to be more understanding to his Highs and lows I cant say it doesn't hurt and weigh on my emotions.


She posted this to an old blog and it will be buried so I will copy it here.  Annie, 6 years is an amazingly long time to put yourself in a verbally abusive relationship.

Is it legit or is it an excuse?  Hard to say.  Probably a little bit of both.  If he is going really low, he probably doesn't remember what he says to you.  If he is going high, he will most likely be jittery, edgy, ancy, angry....sort of both the same type of reaction when high and low....just different ends of the spectrum.

And while he may really not remember the words he says to you, he still said them and you remember them and that hurt never truly goes away no matter how much you love him.

I have come to the point where I think it is what he truly thinks of me, but that those feelings are masked when his glucose is level because he is so afraid to be left alone.  When he gets pissed, he threatens to leave.  When he is normal, he is so scared to be alone.  It's what we all call the "roller coaster ride".  You just never can tell from one moment to the next what mood he will be in.  And it's such a hard way to function on a day-to-day basis.

Trust me, I have many moments when I cannot stand it any more.  That is when I go do something.  Go to a movie alone, go walk around the mall, just go to the park and sit and watch people.  I get out and away for at least an hour and almost always by the time I return, he is back to normal.  It's a chance for me to clear my head, keep my wits about myself and try to get a handle on the fact that he most likely is not directing his abusive comments to me, simply flinging them in my direction.

And the hurt.  Well - it is there.  I think I've learned to live with it and forgive him, but I have my moments when I don't have to and I can be mad and angry at him for a pretty long time.  But it still hurts.  It never goes away. 

On the other hand, when he is "normal", life with him is wonderful and fun, and everything is great.  I often say that I wish I could be with "that hubby" all the time - life would be grande!  But it simply does not happen that way with a diabetic.

Good luck to you as you continue your journey

DW

And yet, again.....

he walked outside this morning with no shirt on, wearing only the skimpiest of boxer type shorts - at least these were navy and could pass for swimming trunks - about 4 sizes too small.  Grossly obese stomach hanging over them so much.....I thought to myself - how can I love someone who looks like this?

And my sister was here, helping me in the garden.

I just wanted to die.

I didn't say a word to him, but I ranted to her for 3 hours!  LOL!  She is a great sounding board!  We drove around trying to find a house that she can buy.  She's in so much limbo - living in a tiny duplex here, her hubby 3 hours away working, helping care for mom - and today was a day "off" - although we spent 3 hours of it with mom.

Came home and hubby is out in the pergola with the incense going.  Now, you have to understand that I am highly allergic to incense - I tend to get sick to my stomach if it is too strong and I have asked him not to burn it.  I guess I did not clarify that meant "anywhere at all".  I asked him to put it out and he got mad.  I mean he got livid.  I'm not sure what he wants - me puking all over the place.  It's one of those things that I can smell a mile away.  And I was out working in the yard when he decided to come out and light up.

What is is about incense?  It really is the most horrible smell and he was trying to use it in the house to cover up dog pee.  So he has slammed his door shut and I'm sure he's burning it in his room.  I believe that he has no sense of smell anymore and certainly does not comprehend that when he opens the door, it fills this entire place - such a tiny little house.

I know that he is depressed.  Beyond belief depressed.  And every little tiny thing sets him into a rage.  I have not been available to give him any attention for the last 4 weeks and I can tell he is on the edge of a volcanic eruption at any moment.  It is tough living like this, that's for sure.

But what can you do?  He won't go see a doctor.  He denies he is depressed.  He is like a 3 year old who wants to do what they want when they want.  Throwing "temper tantrums" when he doesn't get his way.

He has a retirement settlement of about $40K that is coming.  I almost expect him to take it and leave.  If he does, I will not allow him to return and I will not continue to pay for his health insurance.  I'm not sure if he is capable of logic and reasoning at this point, but if he walks out that door, he will not be coming back.  If he thinks he can go have a good time with the money and come back when it's gone - ok, that's not going to happen.  :o)

Anyway, just another post to vent and log what is going on here at home.  So sad that he simply cannot find happiness in his retirement.  Just really sad.

DW

Forgetting the little things

Sometimes I forget to blog the little things....and then they turn into big things and I don't have dates or reference points to fall back on.

A few weeks back I remember seeing hubby outside one morning with socks on and I thought - good, he's protecting his feet.

Little did I know that he had started wearing a pair of "hospital" socks at night because he was scratching his feet in his sleep.  Rubbing them together until they were raw.

Tonight I saw his feet.  Covered in band aids and the parts not covered have what looks to be a rash with intermittent cuts and gashes.  Lots of scabs from healing wounds, but b asically just raw looking skin.

I asked him what was going on.  He said he couldn't stop scratching his feet.  I suggested some lotion and he said he was using some old stuff from a previous office visit.

Once again I asked him if he didn't needto see a doctor.  He said no.  He is adamant that he is not going back to a doctor ever again.  I think I'm thinking it's just a phase and if he gets bad he will end up going to a doctor.

Looking at his feet, I have to wonder.

I've been so busy taking care of mom, helping to get her moved, worrying if she will live thru the night for the last 4 weeks that I have had no time for hubby.  I still don't.  But I did see his feet tonight and realize I need to keep a little better records of what's going on with him.

My pre op is Friday and he agreed to get fasting labs done that day.  It will be interesting to see what his a1c is.  I am expecting it to be lower.

DW