Grrr....Hsss....

He can drive me insane at times like this.  We have a very old laptop (2001) that we use as a media server in this house.  We do not have TV, cable, etc., so he loads movies on to external hard drives attached to this laptop and we can watch the movies from any room.

So the server needed to be rebooted and when I did that, it lost it's connection to the wireless network, and forgot the password.  I typed in the password I thought he used.  It's only 22 digits long.  A little paranoia there?  I have begged him over the years to make it shorter....nothing doing.

It came back invalid.

I called hubby and asked him if he could give me the password for the home network.  I was then back at the desktop in his bedroom.  So he says (blah blah blah) and I said, no, that's the log in password for that computer.  Way too short for the internet password.  He says, "which wireless are you trying to log into?"  I said (2nd time) the "home network".  He says "B----?" and I said, "yes".  So he starts quoting the password and I said,  "no, that's wrong, it starts with N-----"

And he said, "what network are you wanting?"

And I said, "OK, I cannot deal with this tonight.  I just don't need this".  And I hung up on him.
He called right back, but I didn't answer.  I mean, seriously, how many times do I need to tell him which network?  We only have 2 networks.  One for him to use and one for me, guests, anyone else, including the media server and it's just identified as "home".

He has to be having a sugar crash to be this dumb.

OR......

he's watching something on TV at his dad's and is trying to talk to me, but is paying more attention to whatever is on TV and not hearing a word I'm saying.

Let's take a poll.....what do you think???

OK, I need to have a little fun out of this, but I swear that when he gets "stupid" like this it absolutely drives me insane.  I'm going to bet that he calls me back at 9:30 pm when his "Sunday night TV shows" are over.

In the meantime, I did track down the password by going into his desktop and looking at his keychain.  Sure enough, there it was.  Sigh.  At least I can now watch a movie tonight.  I totally think I should put a TV in the bathroom where I could take a long hot bath and watch a movie!  Should be a requirement for any woman!

Duh!!

DW

Life is hard

And I haven't had a moment to think.  Cleaning my sisters new place, helping her move, art classes, family...the days are flying by that's for sure.  Long distance marriage is getting interesting. Hubby wants to file for bankruptcy and I am opposed to that.  I know that he has ran his credit card bills up too high and that it wasn't his fault he was laid off.  But I do not want to risk losing this house or the small inheritance from mom, so I will meet with his bankruptcy attorney next week and plan to include divorce in that discussion.

Once that's done I will talk to a divorce attorney.  One step at a time.  In the meantime, I'm moving forward with some much needed dental work, new glasses, etc., and I want to take care of it before hubby gets home.

Thanks to those who wrote such nice words after my last post.  It really helps to know you know what I've been through.  While I have a hope that hubby and I will work it out, I've decided to make sure I cover all bases.

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving.  I went to my brothers and had a perfect day.

Dw

Truly considering a divorce

No, I won't make that choice yet, but I may tell  him I'm ready.

Twice now, he has wanted me to do something that I didn't want to do (financial stuff) and each time he has said, "if you don't want to do this with me, what is the point of staying married?"  I realize that he is simply saying this to manipulate me.  And I'm about ready to tell him that there is no point to staying married.

I've been on my own for 2 months now.  Missing him less and less.  Feeling more and more like suggesting he stay with his dad and we do a trial separation, or a legal separation.  Maybe I'm just in a bad mood tonight because he called today,  wanting something else.  When he started in with the "you just don't love me ..."  I told him to stop and hung up on him.

But I have to confess that he did not sound right and I should have known that the minute he started  talking he was not well.  Sugar off?  He hasn't done labs since June.  As of tonight, he can stay where he for another 6 months!  LOL!!!

Maybe I had forgotten how it is to live without diabetes and maybe I like this.

I'm sure time will tell.  I'm not sure I have the strength to go through a divorce.  But I may at least talk to a lawyer.  Mom once said that when she died all of her kids would fall apart.  Maybe this is me falling apart.

DW

Fabulous week!!!

A friend of mine from our old home came to visit and spent a week.  We had so much fun.  Ate out.  Shopped.  Took a couple of art classes.  Hosted an art class here.  Talked forever.  I cannot believe how fast the week went.

Hubby is getting more and more homesick.  Planning to come home the second  week of December now, so I have much to do before that!  Starting to get cold outside, so I'm cutting back on my yardwork.  But what great therapy that has been this summer.  I can hardly wait for spring to see if the 120 tulips I just planted come up!  I still have flowers to cut back - hopefully next week.

So it's been a week since I've had a moment alone.  A cousin came to stay last night and 2 of my sisters were here.  2 other friends stopped by so there were 7 of us here around the table laughing and creating.    Sort of glad hubby is gone.  I think every spouse of a diabetic need a couple of months off every year!  I may have to send him to visit his dad every winter....that's if his dad doesn't move here.  Nope, not even going to think about any of that right now.  Just continuing to enjoy the break, have a little fun, get a few more things done and prepare for the coming storm when he gets home!  LOL!!!

DW

Life is good

Hubby is still staying with his dad a thousand miles away.  And will be gone at least another month.

He still complains, but I don't have to hear it all day long.  He still does not sleep at night.  Still gets upset at the tiniest thing.  But it is nice to be far away and not deal with it.

Can I maintain when he gets home?  I'm going to try!

No labs since June.  No way to really know how he is doing.

I do worry.  But I just put the thoughts on the back burner.  Enjoying this reprieve, using the time to get in some good rest.  Enjoying a very quiet solitude.  Spending lots of time with my sisters.  Doing things I have put off for years.  It really is nice!

DW

Has it really been 11 days?

since I last blogged?  How can it possibly be 4 weeks since mom died?  5 weeks since his mom died?  I feel like I only blinked my eyes once.....life is just on fast forward.

We had our second grief class this week and I feel certain that my sisters and I are on tract.

Hubby is still 1000 miles away with his dad and I feel certain they still have not even started the grief process.  FIL wants to go shopping every day and I told hubby today that I think it's way of avoiding facing his grief and that rather than shopping, they drive by places FIL and MIL used to go together, sort of gently force the grieving to start.

But can you imagine.....both men are diabetic???  Feeding off each other????  I have simply decided to stay home and go through my grieving alone.  And I have to say, I am enjoying the caregiver break!  I am getting rested, started watercolor painting classes, taking the grief class, walking, eating much more healthy, and going to start a Bible study.  Finally.  Time out for me!

I do know that I will eventually go.  But hubby are doing ok with a "skype marriage".  We talk several times a day, probably more than we did when together.  We are talking a ton about what is said in my grief classes and I think he needs this.  He's just fine talking about my mom.....hopefully that will progress to him talking about his mom.

Still no idea where FIL is going to end up living.  Still no progress on sorting through MILs things.  I think I'm ok if hubby decides to stay with his dad most of the winter.  He's thinking of flying home for a few days in late November.  It really is amazing how much business you can accomplish with emails, online signatures, skype....it's really a new world, isn't it?

In the midst of all of this, we have changed health insurance and gone from premium option to standard option.  It is the first time in my entire life that I have not had premium insurance and I think the co-pays will kill me.  But we can no longer afford the cost of premium insurance.  Retirement does that.  I told hubby he simply has to go less, and be more in control of his own body, not require doctors to review him every other month.  We now live in a tiny community and have to drive over 100 miles to see a specialist.  He can get labs done here, so we will stay on top of that for sure.  Of course, he has gone a year in the past without getting labs.

Things do seem to be settling into a routine of sorts.  I have no idea how long we can maintain this way, but for now, all is good.

DW

Hospice, so wonderful

They offer support for an entire yer to the whole family.  My sisters and I will start a class this week.  Last week we went to a group session...just to hear what they had to say.  I think it will help.

Grief applies to spouses of diabetics as we lose the normal spouse we married and as we lose his ability to do things.  The loss of sexual relations due to ED.  The loss of having an able bodied spouse who can help.  The loss of money that goes to pay for medical expenses.  The loss of a job because you have to take care of someone else.  The loss of the marriage because you can no longer take all the highs and lows.  There are just so very many losses with this disease.

Last week they said don't do anything fast.  Don't make any quick decisions.  Don't get rid of the deceased's stuff.  I thought that was interesting.   We gave out all of moms belongings within a week.  She was staying with my sister who just wanted to get back some semblance of a normal life and she had given up her bedroom for mom to stay there.  I will never fault her for doing what she did with such great speed.

But hubby's dad is different.  He will need to hold on to MILs stuff, touch it, feel it, remember her through it.  Proof we each grieve in a different way.  And I think each of us spouses must surely grieve the loss of our healthy spouses in a different way.

I wonder what would happen if I went to a grief support group and said I was there to grieve the loss of my healthy husband.  Would they ask me to leave?  But that is exactly what I did for quite a long time.  And I go thru the whole grief process every time we have to give up something we enjoy doing because he has a new set of problems.

I hope that as I progress thru this series of classes that I can process the loss of my mom and his mom.  But I hope I can apply it to the loss of my healthy husband as well.  It's going to be interesting to say the least.

Tonight he is tired and wants to come home, but knows that he has to stay there until his sister in law arrives which will be a few more weeks.  He was listing all the things he missed here...but sort of changed his tune when on I said I missed him....I missed him mowing the yard, missed him picking up the mail, missed him doing this and that.  Maybe he's not missing it here nearly as much as he thought!  LOL!!!

DW

Someone said

Now is my chance to leave him.....back on my lst post.  Well, I've had enough grief counseling in my life to know that now is not the time to make any life decisions.  I need to put anything like that off.  I need to grieve the loss of my mom.  Not leave hubby.

We are learning to live as a Skype couple.  At least with Skype y can see each other when you talk, see the body language.  We are working thins out.  He is going g to stay there and I am going to stay here.  As long as it takes.  Neither of us are going to make any major decisions.

And I think that is perfect.  I am getting a much needed break.  And finding time to be with my sisters so we can get through the grieving process.  It must be different when you lose a second parent.  It sure feels different.  I think it's going to take a long time.  But we will get through it together.

And hubby is learning what it is like to care for a parent.  Maybe in that process, he will start taking better care of himself.  I am not worrying about him.  I am doing just fine on my own.  Hopefully when he does come home, things will be better.  Ok, I have earned the right to dream!!  LOL!!!

My biggest problem is that since mom died, I haven't been able to sleep.  In fact,none of us have.  S this week I'm going to work on that.  Ha!  I'm setting goals.  I think that's a good thing.  Lets hope I get a little more sleep tonight.

DW

A very rough day.

Here we are, about a thousand miles apart.  Each of grieving the loss of our own mom without the support of each other.  Hubby got mad because he took something I said the wrong way...so he decided we should get a divorce.  Was that a sugar low?  How can I tell?  I'm here, not there.  I have no idea if he is doing what he needs to do to keep his sugars in control.  I imagine not.

I went to grief counseling.  Maybe good ideas.  I called him and told him what they said.  He agreed with everything.  This was 6 hours later.  We're his levels back in control?  Within 6 hours he changed from getting divorced to loving me and staying together.

I have learned to give him time when stuff like this happens.

I did NOT need this today!!  In fact, I don't ever need it!!

Perhaps he finally gets it that we both have to grieve and it is going to be in different ways, at different speeds, and different processes?  I suggested to him that he needs to fly home and give his dad a few days alone so his dad can start to grieve.  He said maybe.  I know he is scared to death his dad will die alone.

We may be apart awhile.  The longer I am here, the more he schedules for me to do.  And I'm fine with that because its all stuff that has to be done.

And I think I need some space and time alone to grieve my loss.

Hopefully, he will keep his promise to me not to threaten divorce every time he gets upset over something I say.  I sure hope tomorrow is a better day.  I've had my stress quota for the month already!

DW

And some good news, finally!

Hubby was approved for Social Security disability.  No appeals.  It only took them 6 months.  I had expected it to take 2 years and all the appeals.  So medically speaking, is he worse than I think?

Will be grateful for the extra income...it will help.

Really hard week grieving my mom.  My birthday week.  What a combination.  Hubby wants me with him...I told him I just need a little more time.  I don't have the energy yet to face cleaning out his moms stuff.  I'm not sleeping most nights.  Hopefully in another week....

DW

How much stress...

can a couple handle?

Hubby was laid off/retired in March.  Our income was reduced by 80%.  We cashed in all our savings, sold tons of stuff, downsized by 2/3 and moved 125 miles away the end of May.  From big city hectic life to a small retirement community.

3 weeks ago, I had a lumpectomy.  A week ago last Friday his mom passed away.  Last Friday he buried her the same day my mom passed away.  Today we buried my mom.

Hubby is 1000 miles away taking care of his diabetic, heart patient dad.  I am here taking care of things that have to be done after my mom's passing.  Then I will have to join hubby and help him sell off everything and put his dad's house on the market and move his dad.

My diabetic husband who could barely take care of himself, staying with his dad.

I wonder if we will survive.  I honestly wonder how long his dad will live.  He has a pacemaker in.  He has had numerous heart attacks.  Diabetic. If I remember correctly, he takes 72 pills a day (many of them are vitamins and nutrients) but what a sight to sit and watch him count them all out every morning.

I worry that hubby will say there is no reason to stay here now and want to move somewhere else.  I just don't think I can move again.  I don't see how.  But there is no reason we couldn't move into his father's home and take care of him there - I can feel him thinking that - he just hasn't asked that question yet.

Tonight, I'm emotionally drained.  So hard to bury your own mom.  Maybe the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  I will cherish the memory of her forever.

DW

My mom

Mom passed away at 2:13 pm on Friday.  I am sooooooo grateful that I made it home in time.  And that hubby was able to get back to his parents to attend his mom's funeral on Friday.

Who could ever fathom the timing of this.  Both of our mom's going a week apart.

Both of us separated by more than a thousand miles.  I know he wants to be here with me, but he has to be there.  I feel like I need to be with him, but know I have to be here.  We bury my mom tomorrow.

It is certainly a mixed bag of emotions.  I know I'm not doing well at processing any of this.  I knew mom was dying.  But I didn't really think it would be this soon.  I sat and watched my dad die 20 years ago.  But this was different.  Mom's fingers and the palms of her hands started to turn purple.  The hospice nurse (oh! they were so kind and gentle with her and with us) explained the process.  They thought she had an hour left.  Her heartbeat was 138 beats per minute.  Her breathing was 26 breaths a minute.  They said equated to her running a marathon.  She ran that marathon for 4 more hours.  I personally think her heart gave out.  They kept her well sedated with morphine.

I was sitting on the right side of her bed, praying for her to be out of her pain and I thought her face had started to turn purple like her hands had done.  So I stood up to look at her whole face, and it looked rosey pink.

I walked over the the other side of her bed and sat down and started counting her breath rate.  Still the same that it had been for the last 4 hours.  I prayed that it would slow down.  I knew she was still running her marathon.  That was 2 pm.  At 2:05, I counted again, still the same.  I don't know why I was counting so often, but it gave me something to do.  My 3 sisters were out in the kitchen talking.  My brother was sitting over on the sofa.  Most of us had severe back pain at this point, but I couldn't leave her side.

At 2:08 pm, she suddenly did not take a breath in.  I sat up straight and started counting seconds in my head.  At 30 seconds I said to my brother, "tell the others, mom quit breathing."  Just as my sisters walked in, she took a deep breath.  And for the next 5 minutes - what seemed an absolute eternity, she would quit breathing, then take in a breath....probably less than 1 breath per minute.  Her face drained of blood, her tongue had literally turned black.  We had heard the death rattle for the last 4 hours.  We knew it was time.

I could not look at anyone for the tears.  I just sat there.  I was so relieved because she was out of pain.  But I was in so much grief I thought I couldn't breathe.  Know that she had been in such excruciating pain that at times, she would cry out for God to take her.  My heart just ached for her when she did that.

And now it was over.

We had so many people to call and tell.  So many emails to send out.  She had 5 children and each of us grieve so differently.  I needed to be creative....and was.  The sister next to me rearranges furniture, the next one drinks that youngest one cleans and my brother called me every hour just to connect.

It's been 3 days and it seems like time stopped the moment she quit breathing.  When my hubby called today I told him that I have to stay here as long as my siblings need me.  He agreed.  But his brother flies home tomorrow and that will leave him alone with his dad and he said he was so afraid that his dad would die before I got there.  I said, "Sweetie, you simply have to prepare for the fact that your dad can pass at any second and the only thing you can do is call 911."  And in all honesty, I do not expect his dad to live much longer at all.

How much grief and loss can one person bare?  Yes, Tom's Wife, I know I'm still recovering from my own surgery which not even 3 weeks ago.  I noticed yesterday how painful my right breast has become.  I am trying to take breaks, sit and rest, watch a little TV, as I can.  The good thing is that when I get to sleep, I am sleeping well.  But I am having trouble getting to sleep. My brain simply won't turn off.

I am so worried about my hubby.  Can he survive this?  Will he be the next to go?  I know I need to get back to where his is as quickly as I can.  But I know I need to be here to support my siblings.  I told one of my sisters today that I'm just not functioning right.  She knows how stressful this has been for me.  She came over and we just sat and talked all afternoon.  It was great.

I've now seen both of my parents die at home.  Dad took 6 weeks, mom took 8 weeks.  My husband's mother walked around the side of the bed and had a massive heart attack and was gone in a minute.  I can certainly say that while the latter is a huge shock to the survivors, I would much prefer to go that way.

Life is certainly hard.  It just seems this year we have had so much happen.  Hubby lost his job, retired, we moved, we had my cancer scare, his mom died and now mine.  We have to be at 100% for something going wrong with us physically.  I am trying to stay calm so I can stay healthy.

Tonight, I'm just numb.

DW

My mom

We got the Call Tuesday night that my mom was failing fast.  I needed to come hme.  Hubby would not let me drive alone.  Because of the time, distances from airports, I knew I could drive faster than flying.  We drove all night and were at moms by 9'am yesterday.  We have said our goodbyes to her and now we wait.

I think he needed to come tell her goodbye as he didn't get the chance to tell his own mom.  He seems more at peace.  Today, his son will meet me 2 hours away and take his dad on to the airport where hubby will fly back for his moms funeral.

I am staying home until my own mom passes which we think might be rather soon now.  She has ceased taking in any water or food.  Simply comes back up.  She wants to have you hold her hand.  I will be doing that as much as I can starting this afternoon.

Hubby does not want to leave.  He wants me by his side all the time.  I understand that.  But what else can you do when you are in a situation like this?  When mom dies, I will need to stay here a few more days, then drive or fly back to start packing up his dad.

Hubby's diabetes and the non stop roller coaster ride have prepared me for this.  Just one second at a time, one incident at a time, one step in front of the other.  Breathe in, breathe out.  Life is good.

DW

His mom

Frifay 4:30 pm.  Had just handed her hubby a diet coke and was walking around to her side of their bed.  They always take afternoon naps while watching tv in their room.  She had a massive heart attack and fell to the floor.  The paramedics arrived and revived her.  Got her to the hospital and had to revive her again, and then she died.

His brother called us at 6:30 pm as he was coming in with fresh grilled hamburgers.

I threw them and everything else in the freezer and in 45 minutes we were packed up, puppies packed, and on the road.  12 hours later we are here at his parents hme.  Picked his brother up at the local airport.

His dad is a diabetic, but his brother is not.  None of them are grieving....they are all in shock.  All day yesterday, they watched football and joked.  It was as if mom had gone to get her hair done and would be right back.  It,was so interesting to sit here and watch them


Knowing my moms condition, I expected to,get the call that she had passed.  We were totally unprepared for this and my hubby is so very very close to his mom.  He finally commentEd last night that he thought he must be a horrible person as he is not sad that she died.  I explained the grief process and told him he was still in the shock and denial phase.  But I also assured him that he should be so grateful that she went fast and did not suffer as my mom is doing.  He agreed.

I'm certain his entire body is out of whack with adrenaline running sky high, not sleeping properly, eating in the middle of the night...but now is not the time to worry about that.  I'm concerned that his heart will not sustain such grief when it does set in.  I'm even more concerned about the coming depression when he finally realizes mom is not coming back from her hair appointment.  I fear it will be significant.

I have written about her in the past.  In summary, she got shingles which went to trigeminal neuralgia in her eye.  She had gone blind in that eye with continuing severe pain.  Was looking to have the eye removed and the nerve cut.  She had suffered much in the last 3 years.  Form that standpoint, this is a blessing.  But that's something he will never understand.  Hie would choose to have her here, suffering as she was, than have her gone.  Something I understand...but I don't.

She took care of his dads diabetes.  Set his meds out for him daily.  We all agree that he cannot live alone.  He is 80 with heart, kidney problems and severe skin cancer.  Many decisions have to be made in the next couple of days.  Life changing choices.  We live 1100 miles from hubby's brother.  Dad could move into the little retirement center where my mom was.  Or hue can move to the other sons 5 bedroom home and be with him, his wife and 20 year old daughter.  But what if he refuses to leave here?  And the house has to be cleaned, things sold, moved...much work to be done and it rests on his 2 sons to do this.

As I look around here, it is hard to fathom she is gone.  Everything is just as it was when she was walking around the side of the bed on Friday.  And the realization that could happen to any of us.  I need to get up and clean my house every morning.  And no wonder mom said to put on clean underwear every morning!  What if it is my sister wh has the next heart attack and drops?  What will we do with mom?   Mom could live as she is anotherm10 years.  I Ned to do more to help my sister provide care for her, but how do I do that with a diabetic husband that exists me most days?  And when does life become too much and you have t say no?

All great questions.

No answers today.

I do not know how long we are staying.  I may fly hme this week.  I may drive home and he stay and fly later.  Mostly we just need to get through the next couple of days, make decisions, and g from there.    Amazing how much life changes with a single telephone call.

DW.

Surgery

Successful

Painful

Surgeon said it does not look cancerous

Pathology in a week

Interesting...problems breathing without oxygen in recovery

Took  4 hours to breathe on my own

Finally, success, release, 3 hr drive gone

48 hrs later it feels like the semi hit me head on!

Will be as good as new in a couple more days.

Glad it's over and the mass is out

Memory problems

We have a PO box that has a different zip code from our street address.  He was quoting the PO box and gave the street zip.  I reminded him there was a difference and he said, " no, they are the same"

When I repeated each zip code to him, he claimed he did not know they were different.

When we moved in, I gave him both addresses in writing.

Fortunately it's a small enough town that things get delivered.

Until yesterday when he learned that the gas company has not been delivering any bills to us.

Vision problems?

I forgot to tell write about a conversation hubby and I had yesterday.  We were sitting under the pergola. We were talking about what needed to be done first in the back yard.  I said I thought we should re-do the pergola.  He said, why?  It's just fine the way it is.  I said that the boards were crooked, the top was coming apart.

He got mad.  He said that the board on the south top end was perfectly straight.  

I said,  I'm sitting right here looking at it.  The outside board is straight, but the inside board is warped.  

He said, What are you talking about?  There is only one board.

I got up and pointed to the outside board and said, What is this then?

He said, "I don't know."

Then I pointed to the center top insert boards and showed him the 1 1/2" to 2" gap.  He said, "they just put them in wrong".

I said, "the long boards are so warped, the short ones are pulling apart"

At that point he just got pissed off and said, "do whatever you want, you will anyway"

Can he not see how the boards are warped?  He thinks there is one board on the south top end and there are 2.  He cannot see that the inside board is totally warped?  Has his vision changed that much?  Can he not see the 1 1/2" gap between the shorter boards and the long boards?

He has been having me do more and more of the driving.  I asked him to drive on an errand today - 8 miles one way - and he said, "no, you can drive" so I did.

If he can't see, why doesn't he just say so?

I'm tired of guessing.

DW

Lab results

First, thank you Lilly!  My surgery has been scheduled for 9/5.  We'll know more once the lab has finished with the mass once it's removed.

Hubby had new labs done (finally) this week.

His A1c is 6.4.  Amazing since the last one on 3/27/12 was 12.1.

Cholesterol is 173
Tryglicerides are 331....down from 1451
HDL is 28 (low)
Cholesterol non-HDL is 145
LDL is 79

His labs are looking so much better since we moved.  But I honestly think it's the reduction in stress since being laid off.  He really was in a mega stressful work situation. You'd think he'd be so estatic about these changes, but he's not.

I sure am!!!  Now to get him to move.  I'll see if he will go walk with me in the morning.  Lovely paths along the river here.  Only about 2 miles from the house.  We can drive down, park and walk.  He is not a morning person and by the time he wakes, it's usually too hot to walk.

Only time will tell.

DW

Annie wrote:

I have reached a point in my 6 year relationship with someone who has type 1 and I can't stand it anymore. Most of the time when he gets verbally abusive he says its because he is high or in some cases low. Is it just an excuse or is this ligit? I would hope that he is not using this as an excuse but I cant stand his usual statement anymore : " you know how I get when my blood sugar is high. How come you are being so sensitive."? This is all hard to explain in one blurb but I have been so patient, and even if I need to be more understanding to his Highs and lows I cant say it doesn't hurt and weigh on my emotions.


She posted this to an old blog and it will be buried so I will copy it here.  Annie, 6 years is an amazingly long time to put yourself in a verbally abusive relationship.

Is it legit or is it an excuse?  Hard to say.  Probably a little bit of both.  If he is going really low, he probably doesn't remember what he says to you.  If he is going high, he will most likely be jittery, edgy, ancy, angry....sort of both the same type of reaction when high and low....just different ends of the spectrum.

And while he may really not remember the words he says to you, he still said them and you remember them and that hurt never truly goes away no matter how much you love him.

I have come to the point where I think it is what he truly thinks of me, but that those feelings are masked when his glucose is level because he is so afraid to be left alone.  When he gets pissed, he threatens to leave.  When he is normal, he is so scared to be alone.  It's what we all call the "roller coaster ride".  You just never can tell from one moment to the next what mood he will be in.  And it's such a hard way to function on a day-to-day basis.

Trust me, I have many moments when I cannot stand it any more.  That is when I go do something.  Go to a movie alone, go walk around the mall, just go to the park and sit and watch people.  I get out and away for at least an hour and almost always by the time I return, he is back to normal.  It's a chance for me to clear my head, keep my wits about myself and try to get a handle on the fact that he most likely is not directing his abusive comments to me, simply flinging them in my direction.

And the hurt.  Well - it is there.  I think I've learned to live with it and forgive him, but I have my moments when I don't have to and I can be mad and angry at him for a pretty long time.  But it still hurts.  It never goes away. 

On the other hand, when he is "normal", life with him is wonderful and fun, and everything is great.  I often say that I wish I could be with "that hubby" all the time - life would be grande!  But it simply does not happen that way with a diabetic.

Good luck to you as you continue your journey

DW

And yet, again.....

he walked outside this morning with no shirt on, wearing only the skimpiest of boxer type shorts - at least these were navy and could pass for swimming trunks - about 4 sizes too small.  Grossly obese stomach hanging over them so much.....I thought to myself - how can I love someone who looks like this?

And my sister was here, helping me in the garden.

I just wanted to die.

I didn't say a word to him, but I ranted to her for 3 hours!  LOL!  She is a great sounding board!  We drove around trying to find a house that she can buy.  She's in so much limbo - living in a tiny duplex here, her hubby 3 hours away working, helping care for mom - and today was a day "off" - although we spent 3 hours of it with mom.

Came home and hubby is out in the pergola with the incense going.  Now, you have to understand that I am highly allergic to incense - I tend to get sick to my stomach if it is too strong and I have asked him not to burn it.  I guess I did not clarify that meant "anywhere at all".  I asked him to put it out and he got mad.  I mean he got livid.  I'm not sure what he wants - me puking all over the place.  It's one of those things that I can smell a mile away.  And I was out working in the yard when he decided to come out and light up.

What is is about incense?  It really is the most horrible smell and he was trying to use it in the house to cover up dog pee.  So he has slammed his door shut and I'm sure he's burning it in his room.  I believe that he has no sense of smell anymore and certainly does not comprehend that when he opens the door, it fills this entire place - such a tiny little house.

I know that he is depressed.  Beyond belief depressed.  And every little tiny thing sets him into a rage.  I have not been available to give him any attention for the last 4 weeks and I can tell he is on the edge of a volcanic eruption at any moment.  It is tough living like this, that's for sure.

But what can you do?  He won't go see a doctor.  He denies he is depressed.  He is like a 3 year old who wants to do what they want when they want.  Throwing "temper tantrums" when he doesn't get his way.

He has a retirement settlement of about $40K that is coming.  I almost expect him to take it and leave.  If he does, I will not allow him to return and I will not continue to pay for his health insurance.  I'm not sure if he is capable of logic and reasoning at this point, but if he walks out that door, he will not be coming back.  If he thinks he can go have a good time with the money and come back when it's gone - ok, that's not going to happen.  :o)

Anyway, just another post to vent and log what is going on here at home.  So sad that he simply cannot find happiness in his retirement.  Just really sad.

DW

Forgetting the little things

Sometimes I forget to blog the little things....and then they turn into big things and I don't have dates or reference points to fall back on.

A few weeks back I remember seeing hubby outside one morning with socks on and I thought - good, he's protecting his feet.

Little did I know that he had started wearing a pair of "hospital" socks at night because he was scratching his feet in his sleep.  Rubbing them together until they were raw.

Tonight I saw his feet.  Covered in band aids and the parts not covered have what looks to be a rash with intermittent cuts and gashes.  Lots of scabs from healing wounds, but b asically just raw looking skin.

I asked him what was going on.  He said he couldn't stop scratching his feet.  I suggested some lotion and he said he was using some old stuff from a previous office visit.

Once again I asked him if he didn't needto see a doctor.  He said no.  He is adamant that he is not going back to a doctor ever again.  I think I'm thinking it's just a phase and if he gets bad he will end up going to a doctor.

Looking at his feet, I have to wonder.

I've been so busy taking care of mom, helping to get her moved, worrying if she will live thru the night for the last 4 weeks that I have had no time for hubby.  I still don't.  But I did see his feet tonight and realize I need to keep a little better records of what's going on with him.

My pre op is Friday and he agreed to get fasting labs done that day.  It will be interesting to see what his a1c is.  I am expecting it to be lower.

DW

The difference between Type 1 and Type 2 Diabetes

Type 1 -
 pancreas does not work, insulin not created.
10-15% of all diabetics.
 Juvenile onset.
 Appears before patient is age 40, but can appear after age 40.


Type 2 -
pancreas works.  Either not enough insulin, or insulin does not work properly.
Tends to start later in life but can start in the 20s.  Adult onset
 85 - 90% of all diabetics.

So, when a type 2's pancreas stops working altogether, then there is no difference between the 2 types.

Do they become the same.

My hubby's pancreas no longer works.

He is insulin dependent (takes RU500 which is 5 times concentrated)

Has been told there is no cure.  But told to diet and exercise.

His body no longer makes any insulin.

His diabetes started at age 30.

One website states you can have both type 1 and type 2 diabetes at the same time.  Interesting.

He was insulin resistant until his body quit producing insulin completely, then he became insulin dependent.

"Brittle" means unstable.  He is definitely unstable.

Remember he had c diff when he had his spinal fusion surgery?  Today he read an article in USA Today and then announced to me that he had just had some bad news - he was probably going to die because this is still in his body.  I read the article and told him it is in everyone's body, but yes, eating tums like they are candy, or doing any number of other things could set if off (again).

Hubby had Hepatitis A 35 years ago.  Forever barred from donating blood. Kidney damage at that time and it went undetected?

all just things to contemplate.

His shoulder is absolutely killing him.  I'm sure he needs surgery.  He refuses to see a doctor.  He made some kind of pact with himself that when we moved down here, he was never going to a doctor again.

DW

Putting life into perspective

Mom is getting better.  I'm back to sleeping regularly.  But for the last 3 weeks, every day has been touch and go.  It went by in the blink of an eye.  Spending nights on the floor by her side, sleeping 1 - 2 hours at a time.  I found I entered a complete brain fog and had no idea life was slipping by so fast.  But when it is your mom, when she is in excruciating pain, when she is in tears....you forget everything else in the world and try your best to make her as comfortable as possible.

Now that it's over (for right now) and I can focus on getting back to my life, I'm trying to put it all into perspective.

How is it that for 3 weeks he managed everything on his own.  Never had a low.  Never got mad at me.  Never raised his voice.  Is it because I wasn't here?  Is it because he knew my stress level and knew not to raise it?  I don't know.  But something tells me that either consciously or not, he know somehow that there is a tolerance line in me and he stayed under that line the last 3 weeks.

His normal is to get quite ill if anyone else is sick.  But he did not do that.  Maybe all my little talks with him have helped?  Maybe the gentle counseling that now we are living here, we are here to help others - is sinking in?

I learned that his diabetes, heart surgery, back surgery, highs, lows, missed pills......those are his problems.  I can be here to support him, to care for him, to love him.....but I can't fix those problems.

Just as I couldn't fix what was wrong with mom.  I could only provide her with the best care possible and try to keep her as comfortable as possible.

She is much better

And he is much better

So now I rest and refresh myself and try to prepare for whatever is next.

I'm learning that a good, solid night's sleep is worth more than just about anything else!

Digging in the ground may just be the second best thing!  I planted 30 Iris and 30 Lillies tonight.  More Iris to plant in the morning.  They make great background borders!  I have all the paths done in the back yard and next is to start digging the hole for a small pond.  I'm slow.  But I'm making progress!!!

DW

catching up

things are stable with hubby

is it because the rest of life is so unstable?

My mass/scheduling surgery/pre-op

Closing on our old house in a week

My mom took a turn for the worse/on hospice/moved her into my sister's house

all in the last 2 weeks

Now 2 of us are staying with mom every night, so either I get no sleep in 24 hours, or stay at least 16 hours

hubby never sees me

Mom is better today.  I have been home for 10 hours now and plan to spend the night at home.  Hoping things calm down with her at my sisters

Other sis is depressed because they didn't get the house they made an offer on

And when you think it can't get any worse....you simply wait for the next "thing" to happen!



Tonight, I am grateful for you.  For people who send me kind notes.  For friends I will most likely never meet.  For faith and belief and trust.  For my own bed!!!  For a hubby who can back off when he knows I can't take another thing.

And it will all get better.  I have faith.  This is but a bump in the road and one day soon it will be smooth sailing.  I did get to work a few hours in my garden and made great progress.  The perfect therapy - I found a new bloom this evening!

DW

mammogram results

The mass has grown

The surgeon is on vacation

Will get the surgery scheduled next week after he returns.

Will then see if it is benign or cancerous.

Hubby is taking this serious and being super careful about what he says.

Will see how long that lasts!!!

Art pal here for a couple of days, so a great diversion for my thoughts.

Taking an art class tomorrow.  Need to have some fun!!!

DW

Waiting...

No word on the mammogram yet.  I've decided that's good news.  I will get a letter in the mail saying all is well.

Ok, that's what I'm praying for!

My turn with mom.  Oh, how my heart grieves for her.  She is sleeping now, but only due to the drugs she is taking to kill her pain.

Hubby drove 2 hours today to be at his granddaughters birthday party.  I had to stay and sit with mom as both sisters had to work this afternoon.

He is still going low way too much.   His shoulder hurts so bad and now he is driving 4 hours to and from this party.  And the child won't remember he was there.

Just so sad.

I think I am finally caught up with my sleep.   Gardening is such a blessing.  I can lovingly care for the plants and beat the crap out of the ground as I prepare it for new plants.  LOL!!!

This evening I plan to paint rocks and make them look like ladybugs and put them on the garden shed deck.  Time to do something fun!!

DW

and he's over it

within 24 hours - he was back talking to me like nothing happened.

had my follow up mammogram yesterday.  No one there to read it.  So it's still "wait and see".

We have so very many medical practitioners - who are always on vacation or in a meeting.

the future of our healthcare?

we had to drive to our old residence to have it done as I haven't change my hmo yet because I didn't want to start this process all over again.

Mom is worse.  2 of my sisters and I are starting 24 hr care today.  My day.  It's going to be a long day. I'm eternally grateful that we are only 2 blocks away and that I can help.

DW

WHY?

Two mornings ago, he walked outside of the house, outside the garage, into the back yard, in his tidy whities....to put the pups in the kennel.  I was already outside in the garden and when I saw him, I simply gasped!!!  This is a man who looks like he is 7 months pregnant....and he's  outside in nothing but his briefs.  No, not boxers...briefs.

OH MY GOD!!!  I simply wanted to scream my head off.  I quietly followed him into the house and in the quietest voice, I said, "please put some clothes on before you come outside."  He said, "why?  No one is going to see me"

I explained that our drive goes into the alley and anyone can go down that alley at any time.  My sisters drive into the back (our garage opens to the back yard and entrance is from the alley, and I'm usually in the garden) any time.

What on earth was he thinking?  That he could go outside completely undressed?  Is he losing his mind???

Then this morning - I know he was having a severe low - and he came completely unglued over a question I asked him.  And that lead to him screaming his head off about every grievance he has ever had in his entire life.  Mostly that no one cares about him, he should go kill himself, he's going to move out as soon as......

Honestly, he was yelling so loud and his words were so slurred I have no idea what he said.  I went to my sisters and spent the whole day there.  Came home about  5 pm and worked in the flower beds.  Came inside to a kitchen that had every pot and pan out on the cabinet - dirty.  The counter tops were a mess.  I'm not sure what he tried to fix today and I have no idea why it took every pan in the house.  I loaded them into the dishwasher and cleaned up the kitchen.  He must think I'm his personal maid.  Wait....I guess I am!!!  LOL!!!  I'm going to put my jammies on and close my door and watch a movie.

I'm just so tired of the ups and downs, the emotional roller coaster, the yelling, accusations, threats.....you know what I'm talking about and it does help to know that there are other spouses who understand.

DW

Ups and Downs, Highs and Lows

He has been in a complete snit.  Not speaking to me.  Using his "silent" treatment. And I've been ignoring it.  I think maybe he's upset because I'm spending so much time with my sisters....but not sure that's really it.

Then my mom got sick.  Had her in the ER and my sister's and I are rotating staying with her.  Going over 3-4 times a day to check in.

And he immediately turns into a saint.

Is it that the adrenaline kicks in and brings his glucose up?

Or does he somehow feel more "needed" because she is sick?

I feel so bad for her. She's been in incredible pain.  Called hospice to come in to control the pain and assist her in remaining independent as long as she possibly can be.  They can stay on board for 3 - 5 years.

Is he worried that he's going to need hospice?

Mom seems to want to will herself to death at times.

Is he thinking he can do that?

At least his snit is over!  And while I'm stressing out over mom, I'm getting a little relief from him.

As an update:

He's still eating everything in sight and I'm refusing to go to the grocery.

He's still have way too many lows - using power bars and glucose tabs way too much.

He is not sleeping at nights.  But will sit in his chair and sleep most of the day.

When life gets too overwhelming, my sisters and I get together and have a good talk.

His son cancelled the granddaughter's birthday gathering and I think hubby is quite depressed over that.

Working on staying in my happy spot. Gardening is so good for me!  And singing again - oh!  what a joy!!!

DW

Ignoramus!

All of my sisters and one of our female cousins were together this weekend along with an artist pal of mine.  The word "ignoramus" came up - it was a word we could use during our childhood days as we weren't allowed to curse.  If we didn't like someone, we would call them an "ignoramus".  I thought it meant idiot.  So, we looked it up.

It means:  A really ignorant person. Someone who doesn't know how the world works, and doesn't CARE to know.


and I had to laugh as it sort of describes hubby's attitude towards his diabetes.  He does not CARE to know what is going on in his body.

He is now buying 2 bottles of glucose tabs every week at the grocery store.  Along with 24 power bars.    In addition, this week he has eaten 2 10" cherry pies.  3 Snickers bars and who knows what else.

Obviously he's gaining weight again.   My friend said he looks like he's perpetually 7 months pregnant.

And he is refusing to go to any of his doctors.  No checkups.  No labs.  No A1c.

I know.....I can't fix him.

:o)

DW

Frustration

Hubby is having more and more lows. He has taken to eating power bars and glucose tabs. Like candy. He mowed the lawn last night. My sis was here and we were watching a movie. It's not like we had been partying all day...we had been out in the hot sun assembling a garden shed and just finished for the day. Both of us on heating pads due to back pain. But quietly watching a movie. Hubby decides to mow the yard. He is outside abot 10 minutes...it had cooled down to 73 degrees, and he comestible and sits down in the living room, eating a power bar, sighing loudly somoften it was almost funny. I knew he was having a low. I knew that he wanted attention. I know that when he goes low, he starts acting like a 10 year old. But this Ike I ignored him and just kept watching the movie. What I'd like to know is if this is standard behavior for a low. I agree with DW2 that it is just annoying. Why can't he just take care of himself? Why can't he prevent these lows. He can surely count and know that they are increasing. Or is that part of his brain gone? Literally, what is wrong with him? Does he need attention so desperately that he allows himself to go low? Bottom line, his disease, his problem. Not mine!!! Yet why do I get so angry with him that he won't or can't take care of himself?? He ripped something inside his shoulder during the move. Ts been 6 weeks now and not getting any better, but he is refusing to see a doctor. In fact he is refusing to go through the new patent process since we are in a new HMO. So if he neds a doctoring an emergency, what does he think is going to happen? More stress on me....during my cancer evaluation process? How do I know his shoulder is not getting better? He constantly complains about the pain and he can't do anything....thus the reason my sister and I were assembling the garden shed rather than he and I doing it. I personally think that if a person is not willing to get medical treatment, then they should not have any complaints!! I woke up tired of it. Here's hoping the day grows better! DW

Sleeping his life away

Hubby seems to be sleeping more and more. He wakes up at 7 am and lets the dogs out, then goes back to sleep. Will get up around 10 am and stays awake til noon. Then he snoozes in his chair in the living room until 3 or 4 pm. He usually goes to bed at 7 pm and will sleep thru most of whatever movie he has on. He is having more and more lows. Countering them with power bars and/or glucose tabs. Because of my own looming upcoming mammogram, I am trying my best to ignore most of this but finding that difficult to do. I visit my mom daily and 2 of my sisters seem to stop by every days which is great diversions. I can talk to both of them and distress. I never realized just how much I needed my family to help me get through the day. I truly am feeling much less stressed by hubby's continuing decline. Some days I think he lives like an 80 year old man. We installed central AC this week and he seems to be less grouchy which is a welcome relief. But I have noticed a new pattern that when a low is coming on, he gets demanding. Whatever he wants done has to get done right then and there...no matter how crazy the task seems.m I'm learning to just get him something to eat, or act like I'm starving to death! Seems to be working. And he is gaining weight again. A pattern that happens when he starts having lows. It's like it's permission for him to eat anything and everything he wants. Last night he ate 3 huge burgers!!! I keep reminding him we are on a budget. Doesn't seem to be sinking in! Tomorrow I'm off to garage sales with one sister, then taking mom to a bookstore. After that I will put up shelves in his room and then I hope to put a layer of thick plastic in the crawl space. So much timid when you move into a new house...I wonder if I will ever get it all done. In the meantime, I am loving every moment of living here!! DW

All well now

Well, that little illness only lasted 3 days, but it zapped me. My sis and her boyfriend got it and now mom. I continue to check in on mom at least once a day and see both my sisters at least once a day. I just love living this close to my family and hubby seems to be adjusting to it. He has been taking online computer animation classes and doing cartoon characters representing the humorous side of life here. He seems to enjoy that as well. Having some difficulties with his insurance at the moment and are working to fix those. He was put on a new plan for the 6 months severance pkg and then he will go on my insurance. All with the same HMO, but each is a "new" plan. I doubt they could make this any more difficult if they tried. But we are wading thru the red tape. My next mammogram is 8/1. I am praying that it is clear, but scared to death that it won't be. I have been under extreme stress for the last 4 years and it has to take its toll somewhere. I am really doing my best to de-stress....but not sure how one can do that with the thought of cancer looming over me all the time. Being with family helps. We seem to be blessed with our weather. No fire, no storms, no severe drought, no extreme heat. It is a blessing, but my heart goes out to those impacted by everything going on. Hubby has been up most nights sick. Usually something he ate. He does fine taking care of himself, which lets me sleep at night. But he has been quite tired most days and is sleeping a lot more than usual. I am enjoying this lull while it lasts. DW

Been sick

I'm the one who's been sick the last 4 days. Woke up Tuesday with a stomach bug that completely wiped me out.  So weak I couldn't lift my ipad!  No interest in anything. Didn't eat.  Just slept.  Did my best to keep hydrated and this morning, I woke up and was just fine.  What a relief!

I do not like being ill.  Not even for a moment.  I don't think I've been sick for almost 4 years now.  I can't fathom how hubby can endure what he goes through with his lactose intolerance.

He was quite good all week and just let me sleep.  I think he probably slept most of the time as well!  LOL!!!  He is adjusting to our new routine quite well.  Seems to have is glucose levels back at a fairly level place.  I think he's enjoying the visitors stopping by every day.  And he is taking online animation classes which is great.  Perhaps retiring will prove to be a really good choice for him.  Or is this just the peaceful part of the roller coaster ride?  LOL!!!

Been a good week considering my illness.

DW

I can't help him

Yesterday, we picked up a pizza to take to mom.  He ordered a sandwich and it came with 5 different types of cheese on it.  I said, "are you sure that's ok?" and he just shook his head yes.

We were inside the place, so I wasn't going to argue with him.

He was up vomiting all night long with diarrhea.  I mean every 5 minutes.  Literally.  I don't know where it came from.  He was so weak today.  And he didn't eat at all...so I expect him to crash any time as he is still taking his insulin....with no carbs going it.

What a nightmare!

But I can't help him.  I did ask the question.  It was a gentle reminder.  I know he loves and craves cheese.....but since he is now lactose intolerant...is it worth it?

If it were me....no!  But apparently it is for him.

I popped over to mom's for an hour this morning.  Wonderful to get in these mini breaks.  They had a mother/daughter team playing the piano and organ and I simply lost myself in the music.  Came back home and started playing my keyboard.  No idea how long it's been since I did that.  Great inspiration.  Great day.

I'm learning - it's his disease, I can't help him.

DW

Settling in

It has taken the last 3 weeks, but we are unpacked and settling in to a rather quiet, nice routine.  And for the most part, hubby has been quite considerate.   I have been gone 2-3 days a week helping my sister pack. They close on their house on the 26th and she is moving here.  So I think we've done pretty good considering how much I've been gone.

I know I'm close when I hang mom's paintings.  This is such a tiny house I've put them into collages on whole walls and I think I like it!  We are getting an estimate for central AC as this place has a swamp cooler that just does not cut it!

We walk over to mom's every evening.  Tonight, we took out 2 little chihuahuas and she sat outside and petted them for a good half hour.  It is so wonderful to get to see her every single day.  Her ankle has healed and she is doing so much better.  I know she doesn't have long, but I am sure enjoying my time with her.  And my sisters.

Sunday we took a drive and ended up at my brother's house about 23 miles SW of here.  That was fun. This week we will drive about an hour to visit a guy who used to work for hubby.  I am getting my art studio set up....but literally outside in the garden from 6 - 10 am and again in the evenings after the sun sets.

It was worth all the hassle and struggle to be in a place so peaceful and to have hubby doing so well.  I think he may adapt to retired life.  He is sleeping a whole lot more, but then he is getting more exercise than ever.  He hurt his shoulder, so I'm letting him rest until that heals.

Our new home.  Feels perfect!

The stress of moving

Moving for anyone is a stressful time. Add diabetes to the mix and look out!!! Hubby is getting more exercise if nothing other than the non stop hunt and find game. The stress of not having what you need when you need it. He does not adjust his insulin on days when he is carrying boxes from storage to the house in hot weather. Daily lows. And he Ned's adrenaline to get that glucose up, so lots of yelling. I think of everything we have been thru and wonder if we will survive this. Major sugar crash at dinner last night. He simply went too long without any food. To resolve the Los? He ate 5 huge cookies. Yep, that's really nutritional. I asked if he wanted a glucose tab. No. He wanted cookies. He tried to assemble a ceiling fan yesterday and it isn't working. I'm wondering if a person can assemble anything epwhile having a low. And he continues to insist that he be in charge of finances. I'm calling him my idiot husband after the movie my idiot brother....he's sort of like the guy in that movie. The good thing for me is that my sisters stop by daily, ask if I need a break, insist that I get out, help me with the yard...it's wonderful!! As a note to self, he seems to have decided to cease all office visits. Said he is not going to the doctors again. Time will tell. I'm doing fine. Outside all the time. Today my sis and I started on a kennel for the pups. It's a different world when you can be outside so much of the time!! DW

I'm so tired.

I've been getting up at 5 am, going outside to do some gardening.  This morning I had hoped to put together the little garden shed, but decided we have to level the back yard before we can put it up.

At 8:30 am, hubby came outside and said he wanted to talk.  So we sat down under the pergola.  It was about insurance for the new house.  He explained something, then I asked a question.  He said, no, let me explain how it is....and then he said exactly what I just asked....but in a statement not a question.  So I asked him how that was any different from what I had just said.  He got mad.  He started to raise his voice and I said I'm done and walked through the garage to go into the house.  Here he comes yelling after me that I am just acting like a child.  So I decided, yes, I can act like a child and slammed the door as I came into the house.

Sort of funny - guess he didn't like that at all.  Came in after me, cornered me, stuck his finger right in my face and was yelling at me and he just wouldn't stop.  I kept saying that I'm done.  I'm not discussing anything with you while you are in this mood.  To which he just ranted.  He just plain ranted.  Started accusing my sister who lives here that she had to come "rescue" me yesterday because I was so mad at him.  Honestly, I couldn't remember being mad at him at all, but just to shut him up, I said "yes".

About then the doorbell rang and it was her.  I told her we had to go walk.  Of course, she reminded me that she rescued me from the heat.  I had been working outside and was hot and sweaty and couldn't find something I was looking for and that's why I was upset.....so she rescued me!  LOL!

Now, why couldn't I remember that?

Buy why did he turn it around to me being upset with him?

It just amazes me.  I'm pretty sure he was having a sugar low.  But of course he knows that he wasn't.  But I'm sure the yelling got him up out of the low as fast as possible as he was pretty angry with me.

If he thinks he's going to go into a rage outside....he's got another "think" coming!!!

I think the day is just going to go downhill from here.  I am so grateful that I will be driving my sister 3 hours to her house this evening and for the next 2 days we will be packing up her stuff to get her moved down here.  At least I get a break from him.

As a note to myself.....He has unpacked his room/bathroom/office and got it all set up.  I have unpacked the library, my bedroom, laundry room, kitchen, living rooms as well as the entire garage.  He has not done a thing to help me with all that.  So I personally think if I wanted to get really pissed at him....I have every right to do so.

DW

Will life ever be normal again?

We are moved in....but not "moved" in.  I'm not sure I will ever get unpacked.  3700 sf into 1150 sf - you do the math!  LOL!!!  It just doesn't work.  Today we picked up a garden shed which will help and another bookcase.  That just means tomorrow I go to work assembling them!

Hubby has been having way too many sugar lows.  I think he is working more, walking to mom's in the evening with me, and hasn't cut his insulin.  Seems to be a morning problem, anywhere from 8 am - 10 am.

But he says he is happy here.  And he does seem to be trying to keep the peace.  We were back at our other house today and I asked if he wanted to stop by and see his grandkids.  He said no.  He said it was up to them to come see him.  I think he's a bit jealous as my son now lives 30 miles away and has stopped by 3 times in a week.  They do enjoy each other.  I think next time the son pops in I will ask them to do a project together.  We had a G scale bumper train and I have a perfect spot for it.   Would be a great project for them to do together.  I think if I get him involved with family things, he will be fine.

So a note for myself.  He is complaining about upper back severe pain.  The back surgeon had told him that once they fused the lower spine, the upper spine would start to curve and need to be fused.  I assume that is happening so I asked him if he would like to talk to his surgeon and he gave me an emphatic "no"!

DW

Moving day

Yesterday we loaded the moving truck. He put his bags at the front door. He didn't take them to the car. Just sat them by the door. The movers put them on the truck. So he has no insulin, no meds. We started unloading the truck last night and still can't see his bags. I want to say "idiot" except it's just so sad. Needless to say, he is a total bear. Yelling at me that his sugars are just fine. Oh happy moving day!!! Okay we find the bag early today as we continue to unload. DW....beyond exhausted!

Sooooo busy!!!

We've wired the cash and we close on Monday!!!  This is the first time in my life that I have a house paid for.....thanks to the generous settlement hubby received from his employer!  I am so beyond excited!!!  We've rented a small uhaul trailer and will take a first load down and unload Monday after we close.  I will stay and paint the inside of the house.  We move in a week from Sunday. Needless to say, I don't have time to blog!

But of interest, this morning, just as we were going into the bank, he crashed.  I had powerbars in the car and he ate one, but I tell you, he was a white as a sheet.  Have not had a low in several months and I wasn't prepared for this one.  But he got through it and we got done at the bank and came straight home and had an early lunch.  He's been just fine ever since.

If I don't post for the next few days, it's because I'm happily packing, moving, painting, designing our future in a tiny little retirement cottage.  He has agreed to walk over to mom's every evening and check in on her - just a short 4 block walk.  I have gorgeous beautiful roses already in full bloom climbing up the west side of the house!  And the very best rose garden in the whole town is right across the street from our home, so I will get to enjoy that on a daily basis!

DW

Surviving stress

Life is amazing. I have no patience. Last night I was so depressed as I needed to make another house hunting trip next week. I had spent 3 days printing out everything available in our price range, reviewing properties at the assessors office..... Tonight, our realtor called. Two days ago, I had told him if the contract on the house I wanted fell thru, I wanted to write a new one on it. He said it was a cash deal and there was no way it wouldn't sale. I said a prayer. The other realtor called him and said the couple decided to walk away from it. I said, how fast can you write a contract? He was at his kids baseball game. He called the other realtor and we now have a verbal agreement...to buy the house I really want. We may close next Friday!!! We may be moving in a week. I am so excited!! I will be 2 blocks from mom and my sister, 2 miles from another sister, 23 miles from my brother. I can hardly believe it. Hubby just says, "I never had any doubt" Funny. He is still on his best behavior.....and his glucose is coming down. The flatulence is gone. Perhaps he is back on track to live life a few more years!! Tonight I'm doing a huge happy dance that will be even bigger once we get moved in. He is still agreeing to pt the house in my name only....in exchange I will provide his health insurance for the rest of his life. Fair trade. Lied is better tonight. DW

Is he really changing?

Is it the Prozac?  I don't know, but things are great!  He is so calm....even keeled.  No outbursts in nearly 2 weeks now.  When I ask him to help, he does.   It's actually pleasant most of the time.  He does seem to be more isolated - is that the depression?  I have never been around anyone 24/7 that is on prozac.

There is such peace here right now.  Just when I was ready to walk away from it all.  So I wonder if this is a joke or something.  But I will take it while it lasts.  

Dare I push my luck?  Ask for even more changes?  I did ask him today what he wanted to do for the next 20 years and he said he didn't know.  So I said I thought he should think about that.  I said I would like to put our energy into fixing up our new home (if we ever find one) and into decorating it and he said that would be ok.

I asked him to help me do yardwork tomorrow and he said he would.  It can't be this simple.  I know - don't look a gift horse in the mouth!

Anyway, I needed to write about this and then see how long it lasts.  His glucose is getting back under control as the endo is working closely with him.  I am hoping the next A1c has much better results.  Is it a combination of that and the changes in other medications?

It's been a good day!

DW

Home

Interesting.  Came home after being gone this week. Clean house.  Smells clean. Counters are clean.  Everything is put away.

No conversation and I did not try to engage him in a conversation.  Simply unpacked, did laundry, caught up on emails, etc.  Sat down in the family room and he finally decided to chat with me....4 hours after I got home.

He went to bed at 7 pm.  I'm finishing laundry.

Not much of a marriage - but at least no yelling and screaming.  I am enjoying the peace.  I enjoyed my time away.

Drove by a house that I love, so I am going to mail a letter to the owner and see if they have any interest in selling.  One just never knows and it doesn't cost to ask!!!

Tomorrow is a new day and a new week.  Will continue walking and working on my own health.  Decided I need to start eating an apple a day to keep my doctor away!  LOL!!!

DW

Adrift

I'm at my sisters.  Getting a much needed break.  Adrift from any plans, changes....not even thinking about the future.  But having a great time.  Walked 3 miles with 2 of my sisters and that is my dream - to move here and be with family.  Looked at 4 more houses, liked 2 of them, but both are above our price range.

Rest - renews the soul, heals the body.  Sleeping so well.  Staying cool in the heat.   Having long talks.  Making notes.  Feeling younger even.

Will post again when I get home.

Lilly - I'm jealous of your camper.  :o)

DW

Pulling weeds

Today is day 4 of walking 2 miles in the mornings.  It is helping.  After I got home I went to the back yard and started pulling weeds.  A gentle rain overnight helped soften the ground, but they were still quite tough.  It got me to thinking.  Perhaps I've allowed too many weeds to enter my life and I've been lax in trimming them back.

You know how weeds can vine around almost any plant and strangle them?  I think there's been some of that going on in my life and I got lax and just let them grow and take over.

So it felt good to be outside, to be pulling weeds, to be cleaning out my flower beds.

Our AC went out.  So I'm now keeping the windows open.  I hear the birds.  I feel the wind.  I smell "outside" - not closed up house.  It's putting life back into my soul and I just love it.

Of course, hubby hates it.  He wants to spend $3000 and get the AC fixed. When we are moving?  I don't think so!!!

He is finally completely and totally out of money.  I sat down with him and showed him what I have left til I get my next check on the 1st.  This is too much for him.  He simply walked out of the room.  I have no idea how he is going to live on "poor".  I was raised on it, so I'm just fine.  He wants to go to the movies and dinner with friends on Saturday.  We can go, but do we really want to spend that much money on dinner and movies???   I don't!  Especially when there's nothing I really want to see.

Put a smile on my face.  And this is really just short term.  Until his retirement check starts to arrive.  We'll be fine, then.  And we have plenty in the bank, but if he touches it once, it will all be gone.  To we are going to leave that alone and live on my retirement until his starts.  A good lesson for him.  I hope he stays awake or he will be the next weed I pull in my garden!  LOL!!!

DW - finding things to smile about hour by hour.

And the verdict is

still out.  After a mammogram, ultrasound and biopsy, they still cannot identify if the cells are cancer or not, so they want to remove the nodule.  The Surgery Dept will be calling me next.

Whatever it is, I swear it was caused by stress.  And I'm going to move forward to remove as much stress from my life as I can.

DW

Life on the Titanic, when do you step onto the raft?

Now, I think that's a really good question as I continue to blog our life.  Yesterday, I had a biopsy done on my right breast due to what showed up on the ultrasound.  There is a spot bottom center.  But when I got into the unit and all set up, the doctor saw additional spots top center.  So she biopsied 3 spots.

I have this huge needle phobia.  HUGE!

She used 2 needles to numb the lower portion, then FOUR huge gigantic enormous needles to do biopsies!  Then, 2 more needles to numb the upper portion, and THREE huge, gigantic, enormous needles to do 3 more biopsies on top.

ELEVEN needles!!!  I am amazed I am alive - only due to the most amazing nurse who kept me engaged in stupid gibberish the entire time.  She was such a hoot I had to hug her goodbye.  She told hubby I needed jewelry!  LOL!

But the moment I started walking, I started getting nauseated.  Beyond belief sick to my stomach.  Hubby brought me straight home and I started on tylenol.  They had wrapped me so tight, I could hardly breathe. After 4 hours, I took the binding off and I've been ok since then.  But I'm not supposed to lift anything for 24 hours.

Hubby did a good job of taking care of what I needed last night.  But he woke up this morning with an optical migraine.  So who takes care of me until my 24 hours are up?

Maybe that's the whole problem of taking care of someone with diabetes.  There is no one to take care of you when you really need it.

He was supposed to go to urology this morning and he cancelled that appt.

I got up and walked 2 miles (the nurse said I could do that), managed to drag the trash barrels to the curb (they weren't that full this week since he's been gone), finished 2 loads of laundry and folded it (he can get the basket upstairs) and I'm probably done for the day....but it's more than he will do.  LOL!!!

So questions for myself - he complains that his mother cancels all of her medical appointments for one reason or another.  How is he any different?  He said that he and his brother tried to engage her in conversations.  When I brought him home from the airport Monday night, I tried over and over to engage him in conversations.  If I didn't ask a question, he just sat there.  Never started a conversation once.  How is that any different?

And I can see how it is having an impact on me.  Whether or not this is cancer, things HAVE to change.

We should have some results this afternoon, or in the morning at the latest.  Grateful that I don't have to wait longer than that.   I can guarantee you if this is cancer - he is going to be too "sick" to take care of me.  He can't last 24 hours during the testing phase.....how could he make it through anything else?  His Titanic is sinking and I need to get my raft built fast!!!

DW

The titanic is sinking

I got a great night's sleep. And today after a chat with my youngest sister. I decided that my life was like the titanic and I need to get off. I wrote my feelings in a note to hubby. I'm not sure he understood what I was saying, but I think those of my regular readers will.

There are so many different things going on in our life right now. He is with his parents who are a sinking ship on their own. He is not communicating with me at all, making decisions with his brother that will affect my life. So I told him that I'm building a raft and getting on it and if he wants to get on it with me that is fine. But it means that I am involved in every decision. No more meetings with his parents without me. No more worrying about his mom getting upset because I know what is going on. And if we winter with them, they will not yell at me or talk down to me.

I told him that his diabetes is a sinking ship and on the raft, there is only exercise and healthy eating. He can make that choice, but if he decides to continue at the buffet on the Titanic, I won't be there with him.

I also explained that I'm not going to his doctors again. That ship has sailed!

I realized today that I can survive without him and that the stress with him is causing my own body to break down and that I need to step off the ship and get on a raft in order to survive.
O
I've been building this raft and didn't even know it. I started downsizing a year ago selling large items on eBay. I added a plank to the raft when we decided to move closer to my family...something I need in order to get back to happiness.

Of course, he wrote back and said he did not understand what I wanted him to say.

I wrote back that it was very clear and really simple. He can stay on the titanic or he can get on the raft. Each is a distinct place and there is nothing in between. I clearly wrote out what life on the raft will be like. I told him that it is a very strong raft, but it doesn't come with a buffet, and you can't hire done the things you don't want to do, you have to buckle down and work hard.

He still has not said what he wants to do. He said we could talk about it when he gets home....which I translate to mean that he doesn't want anything to change.

So, here I go. I am going to move forward ever so slowly...but I have taken the first step onto my raft. I have made a choice to get off his sinking ship. I am giving him a choice to join me. He will never be able to say that I left him. He can only say that he chose not to join me.
I feel great. I know I will have to work hard every day to stay on the raft...but I am not ready to sink!

It's the perfect analogy. And it's what I am going to focus on. I really have to get back to where I can laugh and enjoy life and not worry.

Yeah me!!

Ok, who is ready to build their own raft and step on it?

DW

The ridiculous stuff in life

This has been just the worst week ever.  I am completely exhausted from packing, sorting, cleaning.  We've had a showing on our home almost every day, and today, there were 2 showing.  I also had a huge garage sale today.  I will never have another one - ever.  Just too much work.  I got rid of so much stuff and made a ton of money....but I think I will just give it all to goodwill from now on.

Hubby is a thousand miles away visiting his parents.  For all intense purposes, they have shut me out.  He told me he would be by his phone all day today in case I had questions about his stuff.  Not once did he answer when I called him.  Beyond frustrating.

Then he called me this evening and I was hurting so much I simply did not get out of my chair to go get the phone.  After 10 minutes he texted, "I guess you are too busy to talk to me".

Holy cow!!!  I nearly flipped out!  After 20 calls to him that he did not answer he texts that because I didn't answer his call?

It's not been a pleasant evening around here to say the least!  He knows he was wrong and he has tried every sob story in the book to get out of this one!  I finally just told him I'm too tired to deal with anything and I need a night off - which is exactly what I'm doing.

To top it of, he has not responded to my emails about the house we are negotiating to purchase.  I'm sure he just wants to wait until he gets home to discuss it.  I'd rather get it done while he's gone.  Just know that I am so physically worn down.....I may not make it.  I am more than concerned for my own health.  I don't know how long I can continue to do the negotiations on the sale of this house, the purchase of a new home, pack, sort, lift/carry boxes, bring loads up from the basement and down from the second level....it is truly overwhelming.  I am praying that this is just a one night thing and that tomorrow will be a new day and I'll have another ounce of energy.  But tonight - I have spent everything that I have.  Simply exhausted beyond belief.

7:45 and I'm going to go to bed.  I'll be awake at 3 am!  LOL!!!

DW

Dear Mary,

I'm working from my iPad this morning so I can't copy and paste your comment from a few posts back.

Your wrote about losing friends because they did not believe what you said your diabetic spouse did.

Trust me. I completely understand. I have lost numerous friends over the last few years over this.

I wonder if it's like getting married and all your still single friends sort of fall by the wayside. Or like having a baby and most of your childless friends get tired of you blabbering on about your new baby's first this or that.

So your spouse gets diabetes and your friends don't want to listen about it so they part ways.

I've sort of put it in the marriage/baby category. And yes, the loss of a good friend hurts. But I find I get mad at myself for trusting that they would stick with me no matter what happened.

Over the years, a lot of my personal friendships have been with people I worked with. Trust me, it doesn't take long for them to bail once you leave a job. And I do not have any close long distance friends as its just too much to try and keep up.

Fortunately, my 3 sisters have become my best friends. But we were not always like that either. But we have grown up and come to realize that in our 50-60 years of living...we are still each others best friends and can count on the simple fact that if any one of us is in need, the others will drop what they are doing, leave work, and be there as soon as possible.

So I now invest my time and energy in family and if someone else wants to be my friend, they have to at least meet me half way. If they don't, it's not really a friendship.

And no matter what your hubby did, I would never doubt you. Those of us with diabetic spouses hav all experienced ridicously outlandish behavior in our spouses.

Know that you are never alone. Never.

DW

It never ends.

Last week, we had a conversation.  He has promised me we would buy a small retirement home where my mom lives.  I told him I was afraid that when he got to his parents house, he would feel all guilty and decide that we should move and take care of them.  He said, "no, we will move to where you mom is, I promise."

So he just skyped me and the deal that we are working on in the little cottage is falling through.  Long story.  But we both agreed to let it go.  Then he said, "we could always live here for free."  I just shook my head no.

Why does he do this?  Promise me one thing then change his mind?  Try to worm his way out of an agreement.  Yes, we could move in with his parents and live there for free, but absolutely nothing in life is free.  They are the kind of people who would remind us daily.  They hate me.  Why would I want to move there?  They would expect me to cook and clean.  No - that is not going to happen.  I have my own retirement income that will support me.

What he'd better think about is that he wants me to add him to my health insurance plan this fall when his runs out.  And I cannot do that if we are living in 2 separate places.  And while I would love to live rent free....not at the price of being with his parents day in and day out.

I also know that they may not live much longer.  But they could live another 10 years and I'm way too old to live under those conditions for 10 years!!!

Basically, I'm just writing down my thoughts here.  I need to point to a date and time when he made a verbal agreement with me.  Because I know when he gets home, this conversation is going to come up again.  I'm not going to allow him to use the argument that he never said this or that, or that he doesn't remember saying it!!!

So the deal on the retirement cottage is gone.  We missed the deadline on purpose.  It is a buyers market and the owner added and added and added to his side of the deal until I just got burnt out and think it's best if we go back to looking and find someone who actually wants to sell their place!  We had a verbal agreement, but when we put it in writing, the seller did not sign, but countered with more items he wanted.  At this point, we will just wait until we get all the cash from his retirement/severance and make a cash offer.

Does nothing though to relieve my stress and I'm sure it's why he thinks we should now move in with his parents!  Nope, not happening!!!

DW

How does time fly???

It just seems to zip by here! Last minute change of plans, he flew to see his parents rather than the 2 of us making the horrible 15 hour drive. A huge relief for me!!

We havent heard if the seller signed the contract yet. Giving the realtor til tomorrow to call me back.

I am packing like crazy while attempting to keep the house clean for showings.

Hubby's glucose dose is now at 50u in the am and 50 u in the evenings. Remember that he takes the concentrated insulin which is 5 times regular insulin. So he's taking 250u of regular insulin morning and night and his numbers are still hovering 200 - 250. Sure seems like a ton of insulin!!

I am enjoying the break from his diabetes. Enjoying the solitude. Had a genealogy meeting and a board meeting today. A showing in the morning. Art pal coming over later tomorrow...turning out to be a busy week.

Hope all of you have a good one!

DW

What stress does

I now have a tiny nodule on my right breast. A little surprised it hasn't happened sooner. He's had a Heart attack, bypass, spinal fusion, laid off.....only makes sense that I get a cyst. Will do a needle biopsy on 4/24. Told him I simply have to take all the stress out of my life. And he's been great this week. He leaves in the morning to fly to visit his parents for the next 10 days. I need this break. I sure hope he does well traveling - but I can't concern myself with his health any longer.

We are back in negotiations on the house we like and may close as early as 4/26. Wouldn't that be amazing??

So I hope to get the entire house packed while he is gone.

I sure am going to be busy!! But I promise I'll take a couple of long hot baths!!

Dw

And another meltdown

And over such minute things. Today was a hard day for him. Neither of his children invited him to be with them for Easter. I try to remind him that their mom has moved back into the area. But he simply says that they don't love him. We started to complete some medical questionnaire and he couldn't remember the street address where he worked. He got pissed when I asked him his hourly rate. He didn't know the number for HR and didn't know where to look to find it. I asked him to print out copies of pay stubs for this yeAr and he argued with me about why they were needed.

I am really tired of his inability to function. I think the final straw was when he could not decide between 2 things for dinner. Seriously???

We go see his cardiologist tomorrow and I think he should let her know about his suicidal thoughts. Oh, he got mad at me because he is on a one month restriction from lactose products.

He sat in his chair and watched TV all day long while I packed box after box and carried them to the garage. I wonder if he is simply shutting down. His depression was way worse today. All of his anger is directed at me. If I survive this, it will be a miracle. I really wondered today if we should just separate. Before we sign this contract.i think I can handle everything except these near daily meltdowns. Is that because of his glucose?

I had to get out of the house this evening, so I drove over to our little neighborhood lake and just sat and watched joggers and kids til it got dark. I called my sis and talked to her. She thinks he needs to be institutionalized. I'm not sure about that.

I know I am under severe stress as my right breast has started to have a discharge. I'm going to schedule a mammogram tomorrow and will go see my doctor when the results come in.

I'm just to tired of everything tonight.

DW