I'm worn out from the weekend....

and not because we did anything at all. I think it is exhausting to just sit around the house. And that's all he wanted to do this weekend.

His foot is all infected again. It hurts for him to walk. We are supposed to fly to a convention this week. Scheduled to leave Wednesday. I wonder if he will be able to travel. He commented today that he would rather just stay here and I go by myself.

Is that my future? I have to make a choice? Either I do these things alone.....or I just sit here all the time and do nothing at all?

Isn't the reason we got married to have someone to share life with? If I'm going to be off doing all these things alone, why be married? Good question, huh?

And yeah, I'm just talking to myself! I do it a lot! I think it's pretty good therapy!

DW

If you wrote a contract to your diabetic spouse...

What would it include?

Cici wrote a comment that really got me to thinking:

http://wifeofadiabetic.blogspot.com/2007/08/home-week-and-infection-is-back.html

I happen to think this is a brilliant idea, and wonder if it would work. But what all would it include? As women, we are caregivers. It's in our nature to "heal". Taking care of those we love is what we do best. So where do we draw the line?

I've always said that I will not drive him to dialysis. I will not push a wheelchair around with him in it. But I find I am doing most of the driving already, just because I don't want him causing a wreck when I'm in the car!

So I thought I'd start a list and see if anyone wants to add to it. I might just actually write a contract one of these days!

1. Will not pick up meds
2. Will not go to the doctor with him
3. Will not make doctors appointments
4. Will not ask him if he packed enough meds
5. Will not drive him to dialysis
6. Will not push his wheelchair around
7. Will not ask him if he remembered to take his meds
8. Will not set his meds out for him/count out his pills
9. Will not fetch things for him when his feet are so sore he can't walk
10. Will not do yardwork for him


and while we are at it, I think I will write up a contract for the dogs! OK....let me explain. He loves his 2 little dogs. I have never allowed pets inside the house. Mostly because my oldest son had severe asthma. But when I married this guy, he already had a dog. Then he got a second one because we were both working outside the house and he said that dog # 1 needed company during the day. He promised to take care of them. And now, he has me do all the dog related chores. I've sworn that when one of these dogs dies we are NOT going to replace it. But then the realization hit me that I am enabling him to have his pets. I'm the one doing all the maintenance for them. So here is my "dog contract"

1. I will not pick up pet poo
2. I will not feed/water the dogs
3. I will not shampoo the carpet or mop the floors to remove dog stains in the carpet
4. I will not run to the store to get pet food when we are out.
5. I will not brush the dogs
6. I will not bathe the dogs
7. I will not take the dogs outside for potty
8. I will not walk the dogs
9. When we travel, I will not pack up the dogs gear
10. When we travel, I will not put their leashes on and take them for potty walks.

Yeah, and if I don't do it, I know he won't and I will have to live with the messes, the stench, the dirt. OK, I guess some things just cannot be handles with contracts.

But isn't diabetes the same? If I don't drive the car and he has a wreck, I'll be dead. If I don't make sure he packs his meds, we will just turn around and come back home.

Where do you draw the line as a spouse as to what you can live with "not" doing?

DW

Home a week and the infection is back.

I swear, we are going to hop a plane and get him to a lower altitude and see if it heals up again. I cannot believe this. His feet were so healthy looking. Then today he said they were killing him. Tonight he had me look at them and yep, once again, he has a horrible sore on the side of his toe, open wound, oozing out stuff all over the place. But this time, the red infection is just almost the color of fire, it's so bright.

He is feeling quite sick, as though he had the flu. Doesn't want to move. Sad thing is we have overnight guests so he did stay downstairs and chat as long as he could stand the pain. And he kept his socks on!

But the moment he got up to the bedroom....he took the socks off. So, what do you do? I'm sure the fibers from the carpet, the bedding, etc., are not good getting into an open sore. And the thought of the puss oozing into the carpet.....I just want to hire someone to come shampoo on a daily basis. It just cannot be healthy for him, me, the puppies......

And just looking at his open sores totally makes me go queezy. I can barely do it. But I know I have to. Problem is, tonight, I had just taken all my vitamins and minerals. Now, I always have to down them with crackers as they make me a bit nauseated. But then to have him ask me to look at his feet....and me not expecting to see an open wound after a week of healthy feet....

How on earth can it go from being so normal looking to being so infected so quickly? Now that's beyond me.

I'm just more and more convinced that it has something to do with altitude. But it's going to be at least 3 weeks before we could possibly fly to sea level. We do have some frequent flier miles, so we can go last minute. I think we should go ahead and book the trip now, but he wants to wait and see if his feet heal up on their own.

In the meantime....it's oozing out on my cream colored carpet......

Oh, and yes, he refuses to put bandaids on anything. they make him itch. I'm sure it's the damage to nerve endings of some such thing....but to walk around with open sores that are infected.....

And I should make note that since he got back from his overseas trip, he has not worn the CPAP. We are back to nights of flopping legs. He said that he needs to take it in and get it calirated as he can't breath with it on. Hmmm....he's been home a week...what is the hold up?

oiy vey!

DW

What a difference.....

He was gone 10 days. He's been back since Thursday evening. I know...just 48 hours. But he is well. His feet still have the nodules on them, but no open sores. He is in a good mood. I don't think we've had a high or a low. I am actually enjoying being with him! He says he's feeling great. He's walking. We ran a ton of errands this morning with no complaints.

I wonder if his drugs are all kicking in finally. Or was it just being gone so long. Or the low altitude and he reacted positively to it. I wonder how long this will last. Was it foreign cooking? So many possiblities. Whatever the reason, I am so enjoying the man who is here now! I hope he stays for awhile! I figure I need to blog (remember) the good moments right along with all the bad.

We're planning on taking the ATV out tomorrow for a full day ride. Should be fun!

DW

On being a smartass......

There's an interesting thread going on here about husbands who don't take care of themselves:

http://www.everydayhealth.com/cs/forums/1/108435/ShowThread.aspx

And this response caught my eye in particular:

I'm sorry to hear about your husband! you know a positive and healthful approach will do the trick. Maybe something he should look into if your willing to guide him with thise simple apprach is checking out Dr. Weil's Vitamin Advisor for Diabetes. You can find everything and more on his webiste, DrWeil.com. He basically will give you a recommendation on supplementss that he should take to help him manage the symptoms and maybe give you a little stress off your back! :) he offers a lot on his website with his Vitamin Advisor and Healthy Aging as well that you should take a look at.

Let me know if anything helps and if anything gets better!!

Junebug

I so want to be a smartass and ask this writer if they are a professional trying to get people to buy Dr. Well's book or something? Seriously, I think the original poster titled this thread very clearly....the husband REFUSES to take care of himself. So this writer is suggesting that the spouse try to change the husband?

I'm thinking, "like are you wanting a murder on your hands here?" LOLOL!

It just does not matter how positive or healthful my approach to this disease is....I CANNOT CHANGE HIM!!! I CANNOT FIX HIM! I CANNOT MAKE HIM TAKE CARE OF HIMSELF!!!

When is anyone out there going to get that? When are the professionals, the book authors, the nutritionists.....anyone and everyone going to comprehend that I CANNOT CHANGE HIM???

I get that I must have a postive and healthful approach to my own life so that when he starts to die I can have the strength to get through it. I need to have the energy to be here for him. But I am NOT his caregiver. I AM his wife, his friend, his companion. I am NOT a nurse! I am not a nurse's aid. I'm not going to change bedpans....I will hire a home nurse if/when we get to that point.

And there are NO TRICKS! I almost think that is hilarious!!! TRICKS? You want me to trick a 53 year old man into taking care of himself? What planet do you live on? YIKES!!!

So yes, I can be a smartass, and I can have a great sense of humor about all of this. After all, he has been gone for 10 days, I'm well rested, quite ready for him to come home and I will go about "tricking" him into taking care of himself!

well, at least the post gave me a good laugh!

DW - still chuckling!!!

Does altitude have an impact on diabetics?

Hubby and I are in the middle of a very interesting "self-study". We took a recent trip and were at sea level and he felt wonderful. His feet were well. Came back to the mountains....he had the worst flare up ever and was on crutches.

For the past 10 days, he has been back at sea level and says that he feels fantastic. He's been out walking all over the place. He even walks 1/2 mile each way to and from the office site.

We plan to watch what happens when he returns home. And then we have discussed taking a trip to sea level next month just to see if there is a pattern here.

When I tried to do some research online, I don't find much other than 14,000 feet....far higher than where we are! I have a firiend who had a baby born here with heart problems. They made her move to sea level for the child's heart. I've read articles about diabetics coming to a high altitude to ski and having problems, but not anything about a diabetic living at a high altitude feeling better or improving when they move to sea level.

But I think our experiment is worth a try. And if he continues to feel better at sea level...that might well determine where we retire.

There is comfort in sharing.

Jean wrote in the last post:

I don't have to continue my protector-in-chief role where the kids are concerned, as now that I've talked with one, it will be easier to share things with the others.

And I have to agree. My comfort comes in blogging. By keeping a record of his ups and downs, his happiness, his anger, the dramatic sudden character changes, and the eating patterns....I have found relief. I know that I have a record that I can go back to when I want to see if there is a certain pattern. I have a place where I can get my frustrations out and not have to keep them bottled inside. I can share my blog with my sister so that she more fully understands what it is that I'm dealing with. And I have a record of the progression of this disease for his children, should something happen to him, and should they ask questions.

So, yes, there is comfort in sharing what I, as a spouse, am dealing with. And whether it be by blogging, by telling my sister or my best friend, or by sharing with a complete stranger.....at least someone else out there knows what I am going through.

Thanks Jean!

DW

And so I DON'T get a break!!!

I have to laugh, otherwise I would be in tears. His overseas trip was extended and he didn't take enough Rx with him to see him through. It's 11 am....and I have been running around all morning. It's night where he is. He has enough Rx left for 2 more days.

I went to the post office. They will not ship presription drugs....they have to be sent through a pharmacy. Since it takes his HMO 3 days to fill an Rx, that's out.

I called United Airlines. Due to post 911 TSA regulations, there is a 10 day hold on new member accounts and you cannot send anything without an account with United Cargo.

I went to UPS 15 miles from our house. The "international expert" just happened to be at that location. Basically, it's the same TSA reg. I don't have a UPS account...I can't ship. But she also said that for the country where he is, I need to go to a specific agency and get permission from them to have the drugs delivered to him if they were to arrive there.

So, I have a friend who used to be an international triage nurse and I called her. She said he needs to go to the American consulate who can find him a doctor that will write an Rx to get him back home. Problem is, he has been tied up 18 hours a day in meetings over there. So she told me to tell him just to go to ER and explain what's going on.

I emailed him all the info from the bottles of each of his Rx. Because he's tied up in meetings right now, I can't get him on the phone.

In my email to him.....I suggested that he get his employer to purchase a ticket for me and I'll just fly over and bring all of his Rx to him.

He told me last night that it was 60 degrees there. I asked if he took a jacket....he said "no". I just keep saying to myself "duh!" LOL!

Anyway, I've spent half my day doing research and running around for him, so now I'm going to do something for me! :o) Maybe I should go buy a new outfit just in case I end up on an international flight! No....maybe I'd best go shower and wash my hair in case I only get an hour's notice! :o)

Extended break

Well, he called and said his trip has been extended another 5 days. I have to global express his meds to him as he only took enough for 7 days. But with 5 more days to myself....I might actually get a few things done around here! Need to move a couple of flowerbeds....major things like that. Should be a great couple of weeks!

He's calling a couple of times a day.....about all we have due to time zone differences. It sounds like they are working him to death. I imagine it will take him a week or so to recover once he gets back.

In the meantime, my sis is here for another day and we are just enjoying each other's company, creating new projects in my studio, and getting some shopping and movie watching in.

A week of quiet!

A business trip took my hubby out of the country today and I am looking forward to a week of quiet, so I won't be posting unless he calls with problems.

My sis is coming over the first part of the week, I'll go visit mom for a couple of days and then an artist pal is coming over and we will be designing and creating towards the end of the week. Should be great fun!

DW

Normal lab results

His A1c is at 6.0. And he said everything else is normal.

But how can it be normal when he has so many lows and crashes....and HAS to be having highs to balance them out?

How I wish he would test himself on a daily basis, but I know that is too much to ask for. At least the "normal" A1c is a bit lower than last test.

Feet are still a huge problem. He has an overseas business trip this Saturday for a week and I worry about how he is going to cope with that.

I asked about his uric acid level and he said he did not get the result on that one yet.

He has stopped eating bags of chocolate. Especially since I told him that I needed his help. Today is day 73 for me with no sugar and no soda. And it does help that he's not keeping it in the house.

Now if I could just get him to stop eating bags of potato chips! :o)

It has been a very quiet, pleasant week here. Such a relief. And I'm planning out next week.....expect one of my sisters to come for a visit and a friend in the art world is coming to spend a couple of nights. Should be great fun!

Is my husband, a type 2 diabetic, a sick person?

I get so many anonymous posts telling me that diabetics are NOT sick. That they can be perfectly healthy. And I find that quite troubling....looking at this from the viewpoint of a healthy person (me).

My husband is a diabetic. He has a disease. Even if he were to have it under perfectly good excellent control and be in a "healthy" state, he would still be a sick man because he has a disease. I don't quite understand how anyone with any disease can be considered a healthy person. Perhaps I need help with the meaning of the word healthy!

So I looked up the word in an online dictionary and it says, "having or indicating good health in body or mind; free from infirmity or disease". Quite simply then, one who has a disease of any kind cannot be healthy.

Next I thought...look up the word "disease". And it said, "an impairment of health or a condition of abnormal functioning".

I'm pretty sure that diabetes is a disease. So I searched for lists of diseases and sure enough, diabetes is on every list out there.

So next I looked up the word "sick" and found: "afflicted with ill health or disease".

I'm going to stick with my original thoughts that if a person has diabetes in any form at any stage, then the person is sick, not healthy, and there is no way that person can be healthy. And for me, that explains so much. I will agree that there are various levels of sickness, some more sick than others, some more progressed in their stage of this disease than others. But if the person has diabetes, they are not well, they are not healthy. There just is no such thing as a "healthy diabetic".

I think that if my husband understood that, he might be more able to accept this disease and exactly how far it has progressed in his body. I think the term "healthy diabetic" has done more to harm him and prevent him from facing this disease head on than anything else.

When people email me and say that they are a "healthy diabetic" living a "healthy" life, I have to wonder if they are in denial as well? Why not just state the fact? "I have a disease, but it is under control"?

I raised 2 sons who had diseases. One had grand mal seizures, up to 7 a day. He did not have epilepsy as he did not have the "spike" in his brain waves. But we called it epilepsy for lack of any other explanation. For the most part, the seizures are under control today, but he needs to let those who are close to him know that he has this disease, this condition, so that when he does have a seizure, they are not taken by surprise. If he were to go around telling everyone that he is healthy, what a shock then if he were to have a seizure!

And if my husband were to tell anyone that he is a healthy man....how would he ever explain a crash at the neighbors house where we have to call 911 and rush him to ER? We simply let our friends know that he is a diabetic and does have crashes where he will pass out. They all know what to do.

Maybe there's a good reason why the dictionary defines a healthy person as one who does not have a disease. Maybe it's good to let the people around you know that you have a disease....just so they can be a little more prepared if something were to go wrong.

And finally, is saying that a diabetic is a healthy person a form of denial? In my opinion, I think it well could be.

Thank you Simon!

I can't thank you enough for what you wrote.

http://trunkles.blogspot.com/

I think you have nailed it much better than I ever could. You have made my day. I struggle so often with finding the words to express what it is that I'm feeling.....while at the very same time struggling with that daily choice that all spouses must make....stay, or just walk away.

Walking away is the easy option. And trust me, there are moments when it looks like the only option. There are times when I think it's the only way I can survive. But I'm still here! Thus far! Yes, because I love him that much.

In life, do we choose the easy path? Do we take the route that is best for us? Or do we stick out the current ride and see where it takes us? It's a choice that each one of us must make on a daily basis....sometimes every moment of every hour of every day.

We are having a really good week here which makes me so grateful that I've chosen the path I'm on. But I'm also quite aware from past experience that a really good week can turn into the week from hell almost overnight. So I will love this moment for all it has to offer me and not worry about the next one!

Thank you for your support. From the bottom of my heart!

DW

On moving

I'm going to have to think about how I name my posts so I can find them when I want to reread them. So there's going to be a bunch on moving so I can sort out my own thoughts on this one.

It's been our main topic of conversation. He asked me to check out some new condos going in, which I did and they are stunning! One level. Elevator access. About 2 blocks from a grocery store. So that got us to discussing all of the ammenities we are going to need and I'm listing them here so I can add to them as we have more converstaions. I swear, developers are just not taking into consideration baby-boomer's needs....let alone ADA.

We need:

1800+ square feet
2 bedrooms minimum
1 car garage or underground parking
elevator access to the unit
one floor unit or personal elevator inside the unit to access all floors
wheelchair accessible unit/halls/bathrooms/shower

close to grocery store
close to bank/post office
close to public transportation
exterior deck/patio
doggie park/run


Things I'd like:
breakfast bar
live/work unit to keep my studio
place for workout equipment

Last night, he said I could look in the area where my sisters live. It's 2 1/2 hours away and I never dreamt he would even consider moving there. It's at a higher altitude as well and I'm not sure he would do better there at all. I'm starting to think a lower altitude would be better, but not sure.

I looked at some live/work lofts yesterday as well. They are almost too big, but I love everything about them except there is no elevator access to the upper 2 levels. It would be perfect for me and I could actually expand my studio and have retail hours. I probably wouldn't open a store, but I'd love to have a "real" place to have classes other than in my unfinished basement. The stairs in these units go up and then at the top, there is a platform landing, so the 2nd floor splits and part of it goes off to the left and then 3 more steps up to the kitchen/living area. The same with the 3rd floor. So even if you put an elevator in, you would need 4 stops, or the 3 steps down would be unaccessible with a wheelchair.

I would really prefer loft living as I'm thinking open, no halls, easier to move around in.....the gal who showed these to me said they were building some more about 10 miles away and we could go to the contractor now and discuss an elevator inside. When I explained the split levels she said she would go talk to them about having floors 2 and 3 all on one level. So I'm waiting to hear back from her on that before I move forward.

I'm really torn between living where we are (city, all the ammenities, close shopping/doctors, etc) and moving to where my sisters live (small town, higher altitude, 2 1/2 hours away from "real" shopping). I know I can do all my shopping online, but I also know how much he likes to eat out. Moving away from all these restaurants might be ok from that aspect. But housing prices are obviously higher where they live and there are no live/work lofts...ok, there are no lofts, only condos. If I could talk to a builder, we might be able to design a condo with no walls, so that's an option as well.

Lots to think about and if I write it all down, then I won't "forget" the things I need to think about.

I really think he might be serious this time. But I also realize that when we go to actually computing the cost/time/energy in moving, that might change his mind!

2:00 am and a big low

I woke up and he was downstairs. So I came down to make sure he was ok. No, he was having a major low. I can almost see it in his eyes these days. They get all glossed over and he just can't seem to focus when he looks at me. He was eating canned peaches. I sat down beside him and rubbed his back for about 10 minutes, asking if there was anything I could do to help. He said, "Just sit here with me".

It's been awhile since he's had a middle-of-the night low. But with a high A1c, I still can't figure out when he is having his highs.

I'm glad that he still wakes up, but I often worry that he won't.

This is a low that he won't remember. When he wakes up he will feel like he slept all night long. I also find that to be so strange. He's back sound asleep, I can hear him snoring.

As for me...I'm wide awake!

Can diabetics read???

LMBO! OK, for all of you who send me your nasty little annonymous comments that I will continue to reject....you all need to learn how to read!

Anyone who writes to me about type 1 diabetes obviously does not have the ability to read that my hubby has type 2 and that's what I'm writing about and NO, I will NOT post that information in each and every single post I make!

Anyone who writes to me that what I write is way too personal, well, duh! It's MY PERSONAL blog....so get over it!

Anyone who tells me not to be giving advice to diabetics....ok...I have absolutely no intention of doing that at all! READ! I am just merely writing my thoughts and sharing them with other women who are in my situation.

We are NOT diabetics.....we are LIVING with UNCONTROLLED, non-compliant diabetic spouses.....READ the name of my blog! LOLOL! For heavens sake....don't take it so personal...it's not about YOU! It's about ME and what I am experienceing and living with on a daily basis.

And let's just discuss attitude for a moment. Most of you who email me and I reject your comments have an attitude 100 times worse than my poor hubby, so I can't fathom being married to you or you having/raising children! Get over yourself! It's a disease. You have lows and highs where you do not remember what you say or do and THAT is the part I blog about. Those incredibly horrible moments when my hubby turns into this unleashed monster that absolutely no one would want to be around.

It's your disease and you have to deal with it. But don't email me and think I'm going to post your negative, nasty, horrendous letters.....especially when you have not taken the time to read all of my blogs and when you are so inconsiderate and lazy that you think for a second this disease has not or will not affect you in the same manner in which it has consumed my husband.

WOW! I feel great now!

OH, and the only way you can prove to me that you can read if you are a diabetic is to carefully read ALL of my posts and then decide if you still need to vent to me! Remember....I'm NOT talking about Type 1 diabetes here.....no matter what the similarities are and if you think I am, that's all the proof we need that you don't know how to read!!!

:o)

He's gone round the bend!

OK...I'm laughing as I write this. A lot of history here, so this may be long, but I need to get it out!

In October, 2005, I had the chance to move to Phoenix and go to work for an art company that I was designing for. Hubby encouraged me to go and said that in the spring, he would spruce up the house, sell it, and move down to join me. Unknown to me, the next month, he refinanced the house and then said we could not afford to sell it. I stayed south for the winter and then came home....madder than a wet hen at him for refinancing behind my back because I knew he did it because he did not want to move. Yes, even after he told me he would move.

We have since replaced most of the items HE sold at a garage sale in anticipation of the move. Things like a riding lawn tractor, garden wagon, etc.

I have resigned myself to living in this house forever and started fixing it the way I want. Moved my studio to the basement. Spent a fortune on 10 classroom tables, wheeled chairs, etc. Last week, we strung cables for satellite TV in the studio and the guest bedroom.....doing things that we have never done, making this a place we can enjoy.

So today, we are driving to brunch and pass a new condo development and he says, "why don't you check those out?" I just looked at him and said, "you want to move to a condo?" and he says, "yes, I think it's time".

Half of me says go find one today and sign the contract because in 3 months he will change his mind! But at brunch, I decided to ask a bunch of questions. You know, things like, "do you want a garage?" "no" "well, where would we store the ATV?" "I'll have to think about that I guess"

"are you going to sell the new garden tractor"

"No"

"where would you put that in a condo?"

So I decided that he really has not thought this out....but I will start looking for a one story loft or condo as I know he is not going to be able to do stairs much longer and I know he can't continue to maintain the yard and outside of this house.

But I swear....why didn't he just move with me 2 years ago? It would all be over by now as we had said back then we would move to a loft.

Men! I think they can be so funny!

Another new sore

on his right foot. Same place. 3 open, oozing areas. I wonder if this one will heal. He said he is going to call his doctor on Monday. He doesn't feel like leaving the house again. I'm sure his feet are killing him. It's painful just for me to look at it, so it must be bad for him.

Good progress on sleep. The Cpap is really working. He is sleeping more and longer and does have more energy. But the energy is being zapped by the increased pain.

I can't help but think if we could get the feet well.....we could get the rest well.

It only takes a moment

for all of life to come to a standstill. My middle sister was in a serious car wreck yesterday and her Escape was totalled. She walked away with only a silver-dollar sized bruise where the side airbag hit her hip. 2 merging cars from the on-ramp forced her car into the rail and it flipped and skidded upside down down the freeway.

A state patrolman was on the frontage road and saw the whole thing. He started running when she flipped and was there when she stopped skidding. She said she was hanging upside down and could not get her seatbelt undone and all she wanted to do was get out of the car before it caught fire.

A woman who saw the whole thing came up and held her and hugged her and would not let go of her. But my sis walked away. And for that, I thank God. I told her I will be up there Friday and I'm going to hug her non-stop too!

It only takes a moment to flip a car, skid upside down a highway. It only takes a moment to lose a life. Today, I am just grateful for the moments I have left with my husband because I truly do love him.

Another welcome break!

This week, I'm visiting my sister because our mom is visiting her. My "job" is to entertain mom so my sis can have a bit of a break. I drove up this morning and will be here til Thursday, so getting a break from diabetes. Quite nice! And I will have time to create and design so I can slip into that mode and just play!

Hubby always complains when I go away, but I've explained that I need to help my sisters as we all take care of our mom. So he doesn't battle me too much.

He is off the crutches now. But for how long? Our weekend was peaceful and we actually got a few things done around the house.

The down side of being gone is I know he will go to the store and indulge in bags of chocolate. So I will predict that by next weekend or early next week, he will be having more flare-ups with his feet or an infection in a joint somewhere.

So sad that I can now predict the cycle.

But at least I'm on a holiday! :o)

I'm going to die in that car of his!

Hubby has a powerful little sports car....you know the type. It's the car that is always zooming in and out of traffic and you swear some inexperienced teenager is behind the wheel.

No...it's my 50 something husband.

One day, he got a ticket for going 93 in a 65 mph zone. All I heard for months was that there is no way he was going 93. I happened to have been in the car with him that day and am pretty sure he was going 103 and the cop was being quite nice to him.

I have taken to driving more and more in my SUV, offering to drive wherever it is we are going. And I have started refusing to ride with him when he drives the sports car. I've used every excuse in the book from being blunt, "you drive that car too fast and I'm not ready to have a heart attack" to "I feel like driving today".

I've been researching and studying more and more about end stage renal failure. But it was a discussion on sleep apnea and driving that really got my attention this week! People with sleep apnea are more likely to have or cause a car accident while driving. OK....that's more than enough information to prevent me from getting behind the wheel of the car with him!

But I also think some of it goes back to my earlier discussion about him giving up and deciding to die, deciding to live his life like a mad man. It's like eating all the sugar that he wants, driving as fast as he wants, weaving in and out of traffic as much as he wants.

Could it be that a diabetic has no control with what is going on in their body.....and transfers that lack of control to "control" over other elements in their lives? He can control the sugar going into his body by eating everything that he wants. He can control his driving by speeding as fast as he wants.

My youngest sister lost her husband to an unexpected heart attack over which she had no control. Since then, she has turned into a cleaning freak. She will run the vacuum cleaner while we are visiting her house. She cleans non-stop. I think it's because she has control over that. And until she can give up the lack of control she had over her husband's death, she's going to clean because she has control over that. Make sense?

Hubby is also the angriest driver I have ever known in my life. Even when I drive, he yells at the other guy "it's the big peddle on the right, dummy". If there's not a wide open space in front of us, hubby gets angry. Heaven forbid a semi passing another semi in front of us on the freeway. And anyone who actually drives the speed limit (including me) is a complete moron.

For the most part, I either ignore his comments, say soothing little things "it's great that we left early and don't have a deadline" or pray. Man! Do I pray when he is driving! It's the only way I arrive alive most times. Not because we didn't have a car wreck....but because I didn't have a heart attack!

Does this have anything to do with diabetes? Only if it's from the control aspect. No control over diabetes.....control behind the wheel of the car. But it seems to me that in the last 10 years, the more complications he has had from diabetes, the more reckless his driving has become.

I worry when he takes the car out without me because I "know" he is going to be in an accident. But I'm starting to think that type of "worry" is better than riding in the car with him!

Feel free to vent here!

Yes, Jean, and anyone else who is the spouse of a diabetic, feel free to vent here. I blog to vent my own frustrations with this disease and it certainly helps to know I am not alone in all of this.

I was reading about caregivers the other day and one of the websites said that a caregiver should do just this....blog, vent, journal. So somehow, I figured this out way before I read it's a good thing to do.

It's sort of like....if I write it down, then I can quit worrying about forgetting it, and I know I need to keep a record of this journey. I need to be able to go back and look at the progression of this disease. I need a place to vent my frustrations and my fears so that I do not vent to him.

I need a way to get through the stress of the day.

So whether your spouse has had this diabetes for a day or 30 years or more, join me in my journey with a man who is refusing to take care of himself, who is near end stage renal failure, who is in denial that there is anything wrong with his body.

Or start your own blog and send me a link....I will add a links section to the side of this. As spouses, we are all in this together and need the support of one another, maybe more than I realize at the moment.

Thanks Jean, for telling your side of the story. I do not feel near as alone as I did a year ago.

It's a bit like cancer

OK, I "know" diabetes is not cancer. But it is a bit like it in that it creeps up on you and consumes the body. The sore that is on the side of hubby's right foot is starting to heal. But when I looked at the big toe on that same foot tonight, I just gasped! It is all engorged and purple. Completely deformed and misshapen. And when I looked at his other foot the whole thing is swollen.

He said it's because he went into the office today and wore shoes all day long. I think it's because he's just getting worse.

So we sat down to watch a movie and I went to hold his hand and on the sides of his index finger, there are now lumps like on his feet. They've never been there before. I'm sure it's tophi gout. I'm sure it's because he's back to eating meat and such.

When cancer mestatises, it spreads everywhere. Just like his gout it. And I know the gout is from uric acid which his kidney's can't process anymore due to his diabetes.

I just wonder where it's going to spread next. So sad.

Diabetes Denial

Thinking outloud again, but feel free to chime in if you have thoughts on this one. Just for fun, I looked up the word "denial" in wikipedia. Here's what it says:

Denial is a defense mechanism in which a person is faced with a fact that is too painful to accept and rejects it instead, insisting that it is not true despite what may be overwhelming evidence. The subject may deny the reality of the unpleasant fact altogether (simple denial), admit the fact but deny its seriousness (minimisation) or admit both the fact and seriousness but deny responsibility (transference).

Types of Denial include denial of fact: of responsibility: of impact: of awareness: of cycle: and denial of denial.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Denial

It also classified denial as a mechanism of the immature mind, because it conflicts with the ability to learn from and cope with reality.

WOW!

My husband was in his early 20s when he was first diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes. I think he denied it then and got stuck in denial.

Today, I don't think he denies the "fact" that he has diabetes. That would be rather difficult with all the ongoing problems that he has. Yet he freely lies to me about what the doctors tell him. Hmmmm...interesting.

He definitely has "denial of responsiblity". But I do believe this is brought on by his doctors. He is with an HMO and I know that they are instructed to keep their patients as positive as possible. The doctors in this HMO are not allowed to give a negative forecast as the "current thought" is that it will bring on a depression and make the patient worse. Thus they keep telling him that he is doing just fine....while prescribing more and more drugs to relive his current symptom/problem.

He has "denial of impact"....but then I'm not sure he can even remember some of his behavior when it occurred during a low.

I believe he has had denial of cycle for 30 years now.

And obviously, denial of denial is definitely an issure here.


Reasons why I think he's stuck in denial:

He won't test his blood sugars. He says he knows what they are based on how he feels.
He won't stick to any kind of a meal plan. He did quite well with a low purine diet until his levels started to go down...now he's back to eating anything he wants.
He doesn't take care of his feet, doesn't wear socks, ignores them until he gets an open wound.

I think I have learned that I cannot help him get past this stage of his mental issue with diabetes. But it is certainly sad to see it. I often wonder how different he might be had he accepted this disease in his early 20s and made life changes back then. I often wonder if he is too old now to make the changes. And if being in denial so many years has increased his propensity for depression. It's sort of like, what came first, the chicken or the egg? I will never know!

I found a website I like for caregivers:

http://www.strengthforcaring.com/manual/stress-relief-time-management/time-and-time-again/

Diabetes, Depression, & Sleep Apnea

My current research shows all 3 are inter-related. Hubby went to the sleep center a few weeks back and got his results yesterday. Now, I knew he quit breathing at night. I thought maybe 2 or 3 times throughout the night. My problem was that when he started breathing again, he would flop so hard on the bed it would wake me up.

The results of his sleep study show that he quits breathing 60 TIMES AN HOUR! And that was an average! OK....I was completely shocked over that one!!! Thats once per minute! I am amazed the guy is still alive!

He got the machine and put it on last night, but had taken it off sometime before 1:00 am when I woke up to his flopping once again. He said this morning that the machine shut off and he will try it again. I didn't bother to ask why he didn't try it again last night!

The research I've read shows that Sleep Apnea can cause weight gain which can cause diabetes and depression. Diabetes can cause depression. Depression can cause weight gain. Seems like a vicious cycle.

But here's my question (and I can't find anything on this, maybe I'm not searching right). Hubby has been a diabetic for years and has nerve damage. Could it be this damage that causes him to stop breathing? Something doesn't "fire" correctly within his central nervous system. Could it be possible that the CPAP machine will not work for him?

And what about all the long naps that he takes during the day....he still quits breathing during them.

Once again, observing the progression of this disease, combined with the aging process and the loss of kidney function is an interesting journey.

Eating Right

Today marks 7 full weeks, 49 days, of no sugar and no diet soda for me. I simply can't believe it at all! I never thought I could go this long and I'm still not sure where this is coming from.....except that I continue to see the damage that it's doing to my husband.

I wanted to make notes on how I'm feeling. Yes, I still do have a moment here and there where I really really really want something sweet. But for 7 weeks, I have not had a cookie, a piece of cake, pie, or candy. I haven't given in. And it's been about 9 months since I've had any ice cream.

I am still not completely off of aspertame. But with no soda, it's mil compared to what I used to ingest. I try to be very careful of labels, but I do know that some is getting past me, especially when we eat out. Mostly in sweeteners. And I'm trying to watch that a bit more.

I also have not had any red meat in about 7 weeks. Limiting myself to seafood and chicken.

I've cut way back on white flour, using flour tortillas and pita when I can. I have not completely cut it out of my diet yet, but have substantially reduced it.

And I've walked 3 miles a day almost every day for 4 weeks now.

What do I think it's done for me?

1. I've lost 10 - 15 pounds. That's not my goal, but it's an end result of the changes.
2. I have less pain. Noticeable less pain. My arthritis only bothers me about once a week now. I'm moving better. I get up out of a chair much quicker. I can tell I'm gaining muscle.
3. I'm not irritated. I think I'm handling things a whole lot better. His flare ups don't seem to upset me as much as they did a few months ago and I think it's because I know I'm taking care of me.
4. He has slowed down on the candy. And I know it's not my imagination. I got mad at him one night as he was sitting here eating a bag of chocolate and told him if I ever saw anything sweet in this house I would throw it out! So he's either slowing down (just a candy bar every couple of days) or he's taken to eating in the closet when I'm sleeping (which I sure would not put past this guy!)
5. I have more energy.
6. I am sleeping all night long. Every night. Two months ago, I was getting less than 4 hours of sleep a night and had big black circles under my eyes. They are almost gone now. Even hubby is noticing a difference.
7. I'm getting more done. See # 5. It's like something sparked inside of me and I'm not nearly so tired, I'm happier. And I really think it all stems from the fact that I know I'm taking care of me.

And I know that I have to take care of me because I can't take care of him, I can't fix him, I can't change him. But 3 cheers for me for the changes I've made, and for making it to 7 whole weeks! :o)

Foot xray today

As I log the journey that he has chosen, it seems to me that less and less makes much sense. Today he had his foot xrayed. Summary to date: Two weeks ago, it was just fine and he was walking better than ever while on vacation. Back home, swelling and pain so intense he could not walk for 4 days. Dr. treated it for a bunion. Put the circles on it, skin got white and raised up (died off). Then hubby decided it was gout, told the doc who put him on prednisone and crutches. Pain immediately subsides. But skin has now opened and is festered and oozing yellow puss. Doc orders xrays which were done today and he has an appointment on Tuesday to go see him.

Hubby refuses to put anything on the open wound, not even a bandaid. He is wearing socks and sandals. But cotton socks can get fibers into an open wound and I think he is almost wanting a worse infection, although I can't imagine why!

He continues to be extremely grumpy, so I have gone to my basement studio and am happy as a clam creating fun stuff. It's a work day and I'll venture he has spent less than an hour actually working. That concerns me, but until he gets laid off or fired, I'm not going to worry a whole lot about that as there just isn't a thing I can do.

He had steak fajitas for lunch. Far cry from what he is supposed to eat on his current diet to reduce his uric acid. Again, not a whole lot I can do.

Memory Loss and lethargy in diabetics

Jean wrote: I've noticed for the past year or so now that my husband completely forgets entire conversations. As with most things with this disease, it's not a consistent symptom so I too wonder if he's really forgotten or just "conveniently" forgotten. He's had double-digit A1c's for most of the time I've known him, and one of the docs I transcribed for told me memory lapses and ultimately dementia were more common in diabetics and of course elevated even more in those who don't care for themselves.

I've noticed a lot more lethargy with my husband lately. He goes to work as normal but really lets things go with the lawn, car care, etc. Lots more sleeping and laying around during the day. So I wonder . . . is it just a normal phase of being tired out or is it depression, problems with the heart, failing kidneys or ???? It's to the point that I sometimes tiptoe to the side of the bed or sofa and just stand there til I see the rise and fall of his chest that lets me know he is still alive.
++++++++

I find these comments amazingly interesting. One of the reasons I decided to blog was to write down things that my husband says because he denies making some comments that I know he made....and it was driving me nuts. I got to thinking that maybe I was the one who couldn't remember things or that I was making things up that he had never said. I agree, it's not a consistent problem. But it is a problem that bothers me. When is it a lie, when is it a convenient forgetfulness, and when is it memory loss?

How high or low, and for how long of a duration does it go, before there is memory loss? I think I have noticed a distinct pattern that when he is low and says something, he will not remember it at all. It's more like a short term memory loss. But I can almost guarantee that he will not remember anything that is said or done when he is in a low. And for some reason, I notice it more with a low than with a high.

I have also definitely seen an increase in his lethargy. I do think it is partially due to depression. I also think his body is simply wearing out. He cannot do the things that he used to do. However, I also think it's a partial excape. If he's watching TV, sleeping, reading.....he can escape the reality of what is happening to him.

What bother's me most are his comments like, "just take me out to the desert and leave me" or "why don't you just shoot me and put me out of my mysery". That's when I know he's most depressed. And although I don't think he would take his own life, one never knows.

I've also noticed that he doesn't want me to go away. I just spent 48 hour at my moms and he called me 6 times. And all he could do was tell me that he missed me. I don't think he misses me so much as that he is afraid when I'm not here.

I wish more spouses who were experiencing issues like this would post, but I have a feeling they have left, or are too frustrated, or too busy taking care of their spouse.

I had a lovely 48 hours away and am just delighted that prednisone is bringing down the pain in his foot.

Is it a lie....or does he honestly not remember?

That's the problem with highs and lows and memory loss. He had a low this morning. So I said, "can you tell when you are having a high?" He said "huh"? I said, "well, I remember someone telling us that with a normal a1c, if you have a low, you have a countering high.

And he said, "my a1c was high, over 7" and I nearly fell off the bed. I KNOW he said it was normal. He said that all of his tests came back normal at the last testing.

So if he is having a low, with a high a1c, then he must be high a whole lot of the time.

I asked him if they had mentioned getting a pump. He said his insurance will not pay for a pump. I went to their website and sure enough, they WILL pay for a pump. But I'm not about to confront him as he's just mad tonight at the world. He is in such pain and his foot is just so horrible. Yet he still ate a bag of potato chips at dinner.

I'm about exhausted as I've been running up and down the stairs all day long fetching things for him. The neighbor came over and said we had a broken sprinkler, water was shooting into their yard. Hubby tried to tell me how to test the sprinklers, but I couldn't make it work so he went out to the garage and ran the test while I ran back and forth between the garage and the side yard trying to figure out what was wront. He finally told me to put a brick over it and sure enough, the water doesn't shoot into the neighbor's yard. But we will have to get it fixed this weekend. That little bit, just walking out to the garage, did him in. He was in bed all day long with an infection in his foot and he literally can't walk. And I can't continue to fetch things for him. I wonder where we go from here.

We've been at this since last Thursday. I'm taking a break and going off to visit my mom and my sister for the next 2 days. Scared to death to leave him alone, but know that I need a break and he has to make some choices about how long he goes without calling his doctor. I suggested that he get some crutches. Maybe it would help for him to take some of the pressure off that foot.

On the other hand, if he has a high a1c, I'm not sure much of anything will help. I'm tired of the lies. And if his brain cells are so fried he can't remember what he tells me, well, I'm tired of that, too.

What do doctors really know?

My husband went to his doctor yesterday. They told him his feet were in excellent condition. And I said, "with all those lumps and bumps????" I almost laughed! However, upon further explanation on his part....the "excellent" condition is the fact that there are now no open boils or open sores (ok....can we just say 8 days in the ocean water will heal most anything?) And what good timing on his part....to visit the doctor after he's had is feet soaking in "salt water" for 8 days!

Yet I do not see how any doctor could actually say to this man "excellent condition" when his feet still look worse than the photos I posted on the side of this blog. Note, those are NOT his feet...just similar photos I pulled off the web. His feet have many more nodules and lumps and little yellow pointed boil type things on them. He has been hobbling since Thursday night and was hobbling when he went in for the doctor's visit.

I think I have less and less confidence in physicians as they continue to look at one single element of what's going on with him and not with the entire picture. And they have absolutely no idea what it does to say something like this to a man who is in denial that he even has diabetes!!! OIY!

The good news, ok, the really great news is that they also told him his insurance will cover one pair of shoes and a free shoe fitting and they scheduled that for him. I, of course, have been telling him for 3 years that he needs to get diabetic shoes made for his feet, but he has never shown the least bit of interest. But now he is excited to get special shoes made. If only they would tell him to wear diabetic socks...ok, I can at least hope they will do that when he goes in for a fitting. He absolutely refuses to wear socks, even in the dead of winter when there is 3' of snow on the ground!!! Ever since I met him, he has been wearing "boat shoes"....sort of look like the old penny loafers, some call them deck shoes I think, with no socks. At least he will be getting fitted shoes and I truly hope they help him.

The other problem is that they told him he has a bunion and have started treating him for that. He has forgotten that a different doctor told him it was his tophi gout. So it will be interesting to see what happens with the area that is so infected at the moment. For some reason, I don't think a bunion would get infected the same way tophi gout does. But again, I'm not a doctor and he's not going to listen to me. However, I must say, I'm delighted that he at least listened to the doctor yesterday and actually scheduled the appointment with the people to get fitted for shoes. That's progress in my book!

But it still seems like we are treating the end result, not looking at what the cause is. As long as his sugar levels remain out of control, I don't see any means of improving what's going on. But at least he's listening to suggestions for relief on the results. I'll take baby steps at this time!

If you had one wish....

what would it be? OK, I know I'm just talking out loud here, but I wonder if there are spouses of diabetics reading my blog, and you had one wish, what would it be? Aside from wishing this disease would go away!

I want to dance. With my husband. I want us to take ballroom dance lessons. It's the reason we met! I put an ad on a singles website posting that I was looking for a dance partner. We met. We went over the local dance class adds in the weekly newspaper.....but we never took the class. It seemed like there was always something that came up. He was always traveling and gone back then (about 9 years ago). Or he had family events. Or he would schedule us to go to a show or play. Every time I tried to schedule a class....one that met one or two nights a week for 4 - 6 weeks....there was always a reason he couldn't take the class. I should have known then.....but I think I was "in love" and just not even thinking!

We took one class after we got married and he did nothing but complain about how bad it hurt his feet. 25 years ago, I was dating a guy who was an Arthur Murray dance instructor and I absolutely loved to dance. I still know how....and I still need a partner! LOL!

Tonight, I think I realized I have to make a choice. I either have to put this dream on hold until my husband dies. Or I can go to dance classes and dance with someone else. He is never going to dance with me. I think I have held out hope for 9 years. But in reality, it's just not going to happen.

Last week, at our vacation spot, he was walking just fine. No problems at all. Even commented on how great his feet were doing. Tonight, he came home after a day in the office, and he can barely walk. He has infections going on in both of his feet. They are horribly swollen and hurt him so bad he could barely make it up the stairs to our bedroom. It's 5 pm and he's in bed. I don't think he's going to be dancing ever again.

So, if you had one wish.....what would it be?

Amazing stuff!

I had my last soda on May 12. I never thought I could do this....but I it's done. I no longer crave the stuff. I can sit with a group of friends who are slurping it down as fast as they can, and I don't crave it. Someone told me I would get to where I crave water. Well, I'm not there yet....but I am enjoying water more than ever.

I had my last candy bar on May 11. Not a bit of sugar since that date. No candy, cookies, chocolate, sweets. No sweetener. No stubsitutes.

And I am not craving them at all.

I started walking 3 miles a day on June 1. I have walked at least 10K steps every day except for 3 days. And I totally missed walking those days. I look forward to that hour alone in the early morning hours. Most days it's my only alone time since hubby works from home. I bought new walking shoes today! :o)

I have started holding classes in my studio. Meeting new people. And I've invited a group of friends to come over one day a month to create and share.

Little by little, I am starting to fix things, do some home repairs, put up lights where I want them....clean out boxes that have been stored away.

My life is back on track and I'm starting to enjoy each day once again.

I am denying my husband's diabetes for the time being. OK, I know that he has it....but I am refusing to allow it to consume my life. He can eat all the chocolate he wants...I'm not about to enable him. He can eat bags of potato chips and drink 12 cans of diet coke a day, I'm not going to join him. He can sit here on the sofa and sleep, watch TV, vegge out for hours on end....but I'm not going to join him.

Hopefully, one day soon, he will start to miss me and decide to join me. If not, I'm determined to continue to make healthy changes in my life as I watch this disease deteroriate his body and his life.

Amazing stuff? Yes, I am just so amazed that I am doing this on my own!

21 days of walking.

42 days of no sugar and no soda.

YEAH!!!

An amazing vacation!

OK, so we really did not do that much where he was on his feet....but it was exactly what both of us needed!

We went snorkeling. No walking there! Just floating on the surface of the ocean watching the amazing life below us. I honestly think that the hours we spent in the salt water helped his feet. I haven't seen them looking this good in about 3 years. He still has all the swelling from tophi gout, but no open sores. No boils. Truly deformed and misshapen, but whole. Amazing!

We took an ATV tour through the jungle. Again, no walking. But he actually did a few jumps! We both laughed so hard and just had so much fun with our totally non-English speaking guide who figured out quite quickly that we knew what we were doing on ATVs....and decided to put us to the test!

We rented mopeds and spent a full day exploring the region. No walking there. But we fell in love with mopeds and the whole area. We tried to go out into the jungle and find a river, got lost, ended up at a bar on the beach where we drank bottled water and listened to the waves pound the shore.

Took a cab to another beach with yet another day of snorkeling. Spent lots of time laying under the cabanas letting the bartenders bring us bottled water. He did have several near crashes so I know there were and equal number of near highs. He corrected them yet again with chocolate bars. But we did eat a whole lot healther for a full week. Loads of fish and shrimp, salmon, salads. I actually lost a pound! I think we got plenty of exercise pushing the fins through the water to get to our snorkeling spots.

I did get him to walk around the pool, on the beaches, into the villages to do a little shopping. We just took it slow. I kept reminding him we had no schedule and we would walk a block, sit and have some water, checking out a different restaurant and then walk a little more. I know he got more exercise last week than he has in the prior month.

We did some shopping and wandered into a jewelry shop. He picked out a ring and chain for himself then asked me what I wanted. I had my eye on a most ridiculously priced necklace and he was able to get it down to half price and bought it for me. He said I deserved something that pretty. I was in awe!

He was the "old" guy that I fell in love with. He was sweet, kind and generous all week long. We laughed so much...it was enough to make me want to move there! I am just so grateful for the vacation, for the break and for the fabulous time we both had. Made me realize also that part of life at home could just be the stress of his every day job and we need to run away just a little more often. He did agree that we can stop eating out all the time and save out money to do this a little more often. I call that great progress!

Maybe there is hope! I'm feeling quite optimistic at the moment!!!

Some FUN stuff!

About 3 years ago, we took a cruise and stopped in a little known port on the south coast of Mexico.....way the heck down there. A new port, little used. Absolutely fell in love with the place and swore we would go back.

So yesterday, I got one of those last minute deals where they haven't filled up the plane.....to this very place...at such a cheap rate I couldn't believe it! I showed it to hubby and he said, "book it!" OK...."last minute" is very literal. We leave in 2 days!!!

We've been running around trying to get stuff together. We both love to snorkel. It's a very relaxing thing as you just float on top of the ocean and look down at all the beauty below. Hubby tried on his fins.....of course they don't fit. His feet are so swollen these days. He has decided to just rent a pair when we get there.

I'm just so beside myself that he agreed to do something. And even if he just sits in the hotel room, sleeps and relaxes....there will not be much to stop me from going out exploring and seeing the area. I can hardly wait!


And on a different positive note. I have started a 21 day "give it up" thing. About 4 weeks ago, I gave up soda and sugar. I made it 21 days and obviously am still not using it. Amazing the difference in my own life. One week ago, I started walking 3 miles a day. Will continue that for 21 days (and then past that, of course). In 2 more weeks, I hope to give up white flour.

With these changes, he is grudgingly making a few changes. I refuse to cook 2 different meals, so he has to eat salad with me or get up and fix his own meal. So at least that gets him off the sofa! I told him that I don't care what he eats, but he has to be supportive of me. I haven't seen a bag of candy in a week. Now if I could just explain to him that I don't want potato chips in the house......

And I've told him I'm not going out to eat except once a week. Well, we've been out twice this week and will obviously eat out next week, but when we get back home....it's back to fixing salads and grilling chicken and fish here.

OK...I will settle for baby steps. He walked 4 blocks with me this week as I told him I need to get in 10K steps per day and I was only at 9500....and wanted to take the dogs for a walk, but couldn't handle both of them at once. So he joined me. I think I see many days in the future where I just can't get in 10K steps! :o)

This blog is very good for me as when I reread it, I see that I am the one who has a life and I'm not ready to give up on it just yet. Hopefully with the changes that I make, he will follow. Who knows? I've decided it's worth a try.

Plus....I'm feeling better. I know that I need to build muscle. I need to increase my circulation. So walking is it for me. I hope to get to 5 miles a day....but I also know that will take time.

It takes me an hour to walk 3 miles. And I realized today that is a full hour I have away from the house....with time to think, time to be alone, time to pray. It's time that I need.

He's been a bit grumpy about all of this. But I keep reminding him that I need to be healthy. I tell him that I'm doing this so I will feel better. And he hasn't argued with that too much.

But I still find entire bags of potato chips that he downed in one setting. Sigh.

Maybe next week I can get him to walk with me on the beach. Now that would be fun!!!

Notes/Fatigue and back ache

Today was one of those "we just have to do yard work" days. I noticed that he kept sitting down on the steps so when we broke to get some lunch, I asked if he was OK. He said that he is just totally wiped out and feels weak. I asked if it could be one of the new drugs that he is on or a combination of drugs and he looked a bit surprised, thought a moment and then agreed that it could be. So I suggested that he let his doctors know the next time they see him. He said that he thought he might have low iron. And I reminded him that they could also do something for that.

Then we were talking about contacting landscapers to re-do our yard. I think we want more trees and border hedges. I threw out a couple of ideas and he said that there was no way we could do it ourselves, his back hurt him too much. He said, "Just bending over picking up the few branches you trimmed just about killed me."

Well, that just doesn't seem quite right because I had been bending over picking up branches, twigs and leaves for about 2 hours and he had only done about 5 minutes.

I wonder if at this age, the less you do, the less you are able to do? Has he lost muscle from sleeping so much? Will he ever be able to regain it if he wanted.

So, at lunch, I asked him what his thoughts were about getting a bowflex machine and he said that might not be a bad idea. I know that I could use some muscle building help and it's obvious that he can. My question is....would we use it? I guess we'll find out!

Notes/Swollen temple

Yesterday, hubby had a swollen left temple, very painful, tender to touch and a really bad headache. I asked him to contact his doctor, but he did not.

Today, it was a little better. But he was tired. Slept most of the time from 5 pm - 9 pm.

Not sticking to his low purine diet. Had steak last night and again tonight.

He seems to be sinking deeper into a depression.

Just logging my notes

Normal A1c and daily highs and lows

When I visit the diabetic nutritionist, she continues to explain to me that although my husband's a1c is within normal range, every time he has a low, he has to be having a high at some point in order to balance the a1c to a normal range. And that those continued highs and lows are not so good for everything else that is going on in his body right now.

He thinks that because his a1c is normal, everything that is going on in his body is related to anything other than his diabetis.

He is such a brilliant man in so many areas, but his logic fails to present itself when it comes to this disease. This past weekend, he said he was having a low and reached for a piece of cake at a relative's house. I noticed that he did not test his blood sugar, so I ponder if he simply just wanted a piece of cake and knew I would see him eat it? or if he was really having a low.....and why did he not notice the "high" that he must have had to balance out his a1c?

Yesterday, we went out to lunch and he did eat a healthy lunch, but then topped it off with a huge piece of chocolate cake and ice cream.

With so many medical problems, I have to wonder if he's not trying to speed up the process, the natural progression of this disease by eating like this. Or is it just beyond the realm of possibilty for him to believe that he can halt the progression? He says that with a normal a1c, there is no need for him to prick himself at all.

There are weeks like this when I think this is the lull before the storm. What will I do if he goes blind? Will I stay? Would I be able to provide care for him? What will I do if the surgeon he is scheduled to visit recommends amputating his feet? There are days when it's almost too much to think about. There are days when I refuse to think about it at all. And there are days when I just get so angry and upset because he won't even try to halt the progression of this disease.

I think today needs to be a day for me to just put it all out of my head and find something constructive to do. One of the greatest things about blogging is that I can write down my fears.....and then stop thinking about them. Writing....it can be such good therapy!

More spouses.....

A friend found this link and sent it to me:

http://www.everydayhealth.com/cs/forums/thread/88751.aspx

So perhaps spouses are starting to speak out about uncontolled diabetes and a person's unwillingness to take care of themselves.

My hubby already has neuropathy, kidney failure, erectile dysfunction, tophi gout, high blood pressure, loss of nerve endings/feelings and loss of eyesight.

He will not eat a thing all day long and then eat a bag of Dove chocolate because his sugar is low.

One person wrote "I told him I've been a caregiver all my life and dont feel like seeing you dieing".

I can certainly understand where this person is coming from.

Another wife wrote: " I TRY VERY HARD TO FIX THE KINDS OF FOODS HE SHOULD EAT. HE EATS WHAT I FIX AND THEN GOES TO THE STORE AND GET COOKIES OR CANDY AND EATS THAT".

Oh, that is just so familiar!

Someone suggest printing out facts from the internet. I have tried that. Hubby says you can find anything to prove anything on the internet. And he is probably right on that one. But you would think something from the Mayo Clinic would have an impact on him...but it doesn't.

It is so sad to read about the other diabetics who do not take care of themselves. It makes me want to cry because I know exactly what the spouses are going through.

______________

Hubby informed me that he has a cataract coming on one eye. He has had cornea transplant and already wears soft lenses over hard lenses and reading glasses for close up work. I read somewhere that high blood sugars raises the risk of cataract by 40%. His doctors have told him to pay attention to it and when he starts to notice a loss of vision they will discuss it more. He has also been told that he may need new cornea transplants in the near future.

I guess I hadn't thought much about the risk of him going blind...but I know it's possible.

All the signs are there. He just can't "see" what his continued eating pattern does to him. He had cake and pie on Saturday.

Day 12 of my altered life

No soda, no sugar, no chocolate, no fried foods, nothing but healthy eating. And loads of water.

Next step is to add walking and exercise. Taking it slow. Living one day hour by hour. But I am feeling so much better.

Maybe simply because I'm making time to do something solely for me. Maybe because I am eating healthy.

Maybe just because it's time.

The power of prayer.....

There is a verse in the Bible that says if you have the faith of a mustard seed, you can move a mountain. I have never doubted that, but I have always realized how tiny and insignificant my faith is as I can't begin to move a mountain.

But I do have faith in the power of prayer. And sometimes it just shocks me. And I don't know why because I continue to keep that verse in the foremost part of my thoughts.

Last night, my cousin and my sister spent the night in the guest bedroom. That meant I slept with my hubby. I think he was quite happy, but I was dreading it because of the flopping, tossing, turning and snoring. I finally went up to bed about midnight and put in my earplugs and just started praying. I prayed for Jehovah to heal this man that I love. I prayed for open passages so he could breathe without snoring. I prayed for calmed nerves so his legs wouldn't jump on the bed. I fell asleep praying....

and I woke up at 5:30 am. Refreshed, rested, ready to go!

I want to work on increasing my faith....I want it to grow from the size of an microscopic amoeba to something greater than that. I don't need to move a mountain, but I do need to have the faith that this will all work out.

Somewhere I have a mustard seed necklace that was my Grandmother's. I need to go find that.

Ear plugs??? EAR PLUGS?????

LOLOL! Sorry, I just had to type that. Someone posted a response to an earlier post that ear plugs are needed even with a CPAP machine. Oh me...I wish I had a machine that measures decibles.....he's totally over the limit. OK....when he is in bed on the second floor and I am in the basement, with 3 doors shut between us, I can still hear him snore. Just imagine what it's like to be in bed next to him! No one sleeps!

Last night, I laid here and just watched him. He was sleeping on his stomach. Snoring loudly. But his lower leg would raise up, rotate in a circle a couple of times and then just bang back down to the bed so hard it would bounce me up off the bed. Now, I know this sounds strange, but I know he was sound asleep as he was snoring quite deeply (translate that loud). And this didn't happen once, it repeated over and over until I finally just got up and went to sleep on the sofa.

But it totally amazed me that his foot would raise straight up from the knee, perpendicular to his leg, rotate in a circle anywhere from 1 to 3 times and then just as if it lost all sense of being, drop with a dead weight to the bed.

And I can't believe it didn't wake him up.

I asked him this morning if he knew he was doing that and I don't think he believed me at all....it was just so bizzare.

Ear plugs won't do a thing to solve the tidal wave that leg of his creates! I so hope the sleep study will turn up something.

Good news. We rode 5 hours on the ATV today over very rugged terrain. I know he is sore and exhausted....but he was outside doing something! I'm planning at least 2 rides for next weekend. However, I think I may be the one who is in the most pain at the moment! LOL! It's really hard when the body gets old, but the brain doesn't. I still think I can do all the things I did when I was 18. Well, I'm not giving up this sport just yet.

And by the way. Day 8 with no diet soda for me! Yeah!

Long distance lows

What do you do when you are 3 hours away and you know he is having a low?

The plans are that he drive up this evening with the ATV and we go out tomorrow with my sis and her hubby. Granted, we have not been out since last fall and this is an unplanned trip. He has called me numerous times looking for things that he needs for the ride. Goves, goggles, etc.

So he calls me a little bit ago and says, "I am really getting tired of this Easter egg hunt you are taking me on. Where did you put the trailer hitch?" I said, "I wouldn't have put it anywhere, you would have put it up." And he said, "You took it off the truck." And I said, "No, that's something you would have done." And he replied, "I don't know why you take it off, but you always take it off the truck." And I said, "I don't need this, goodbye."

Now...a bit of logic thinking. The truck is his. I have a 4WD vehicle. "My" trailer hitch is on my vehicle. So why on earth would I take his off? and leave mine on? So I can tell he is not thinking well and therefore, must be in a low. I'm not there, so I can't tell for sure. But the one thing I do know is that I have never taken the trailer hitch off his truck. I would have no reason to do that.

So once again, I'm sure he has not eaten a thing all day long, (I wasn't there to fix meals for him) he is trying to do something and it's not working for him, so he is calling me, 3 hours away from him, and blaming all the problems on me.

Well, that tells me a couple of things. I can't escape his lows no matter where I am. And it reinforces what a lovely week I've had.

I think if he calls me one more time, I will just tell him nicely to stay home. It's just not worth the frustration of all this.

And I have had such a lovely week. So much that I am dreading going home. Now, isn't that sad?

No answers needed....I'm just thinking out loud, and documenting yet one more incident because I know he will not remember that he blamed me for this.

Note to self. When you get home, go buy some type of shelving for the garage where everything is out in the open. Most likely he looked inside the tub and there was a jacket or blanket on top that he did not bother to remove. So you need to put everything out in the open where it can be easily found.

Day 5 of my new altered life

So, I left home last Saturday. Took a leisurely drive up through the mountains. Spent the night at mom's and celebrated Mother's Day with her. Then took another 3 hour drive up a different mountain highway to get to a small place where 2 of my sisters live. I have been here all week. It has been a slice of heaven! One of my sisters and I are starting a jewelry making business. So we have been designing and creating prototypes all week long.

When I left home, I decided to give no soda a try. Today is day 5. I will survive! LOL! I also decided to totally alter the way I eat. Day 5. I will survive that as well! I am hoping that when I get home, I can continue doing good things for me, regardless of what else goes on in my life.

Hubby is driving up tomorrow and we will spend the weekend out exploring the surrounding hills on our ATVs. It will get him outside which is so good for him! And good for me as well!

It's been such a nice week. I've slept 8 - 10 hours every night. So I'm starting to feel a bit more rested. We've been in constant contact via cell phone calls...but it's just been a nice reprieve to be away, to have time to think, to be creative with my sister. We've had lunch with our other sister almost every day, so that's been fun, too.

And we've been walking every day.

I think I've just decided that hubby can eat all the bags of Dove chocolate that he wants. I'm going to get serious and take off my extra 25 pounds, do good things for me and put good things in my body. Hmmmm...are you thinking what I'm thinking? That I'm having too much hope that it will rub off on him? Nope! I'm doing this for me, not for him. I'll be fixing salad for me and he will be cooking for himself! Well, unless he wants salad with me!

Feels good!

And the doctor said......

Well, he finally had his appointment with his doctor today. He has rescheduled it for 3 months now! So here's the outcome:

1. They are scheduling him for a sleep study (good!). He does scare me to death when he quits breathing in the middle of the night.

2. They are scheduling him to see a surgeon about the bunions on his feet. Not so sure how I feel about this one as I think it is tophi gout....but we will wait and see what the surgeon says.

3. Scheudling him to see a foot doctor since the uric acid levels continue to go down, but the swelling and nodules are still in his feet (different bumps and lumps from the ones the doctor thinks are bunions)

4. His prostate is enlarged. He has been having a weak urine sream. And they gave him 2 more prescriptions to handle this.

5. They told him to lose weight and to exercise.

And sent him off for a slew more labs that we won't know about for a week or so.

No new A1c yet. No new kidney function yet. Sigh.

I was out all day long and came home to find him with a bag of Dove chocolate in his hands. Sigh.

Life goes on. It's dinner out and a movie tonight.

Why are diabetics so sensitive?

Recently I have been inundated with posts that I have not allowed. They seem to be coming from rather young, type 1 diabetics. People trying to tell me, the spouse of a type 2 diabetic, how to take care of him.

I was told that my question "Does diabetes make you lazy?" is an "unfair question". HELLO!!! It is a question. Not a statement, not an opinion..just a question!!! How on earth can a question be unfair....unless you are reading it as a statement!

I was told that "diabetes doesn't make anyone anything except a person with a disfunctional pancreas". OK....what about a pair of non-functioning kidneys? What about all the other things that diabetes makes a person? What about the emotional things it makes a person? Aren't there just a myriad of things that diabetes "makes" a person? I think the author of that comment must be in denial about all the things that diabetes is.

Note: the words "I think" should be read "this is just my opinion, it is not a statement, and it is not a general statement about all diabetics"!!!

I was told that I have "strong words against diabetes". Sorry, my words are about the results of diabetes....not about diabetes itself. Read carefully....I am writing about the impact that this disease has on a spouse. And it is my PERSONAL story of what happens in this single, solitary family.

But I may change my mind on that one. If having diabetes gives you the "right" to write stuff like this to me....then perhaps you need to sit back and look internally to who you are.

Someone wrote to me "I belive diabetes management is best done when there are multiple people "assisting" the person with the disease. Not doing it for them, not hand holding them every step of the way, but doing what they can to make the burden just a little easier and less lonely."

Well, I will respond to that comment with this: Who is here "assisting" me when he is having a low and is screaming at me to get out of the house? Who is making that a little less lonely? It sure as heck is not him! He can't even remember that he did it....let alone be there for me. Life is a 2-way street. It is give and take. It's not just all take, take, take.....which IS how it is in this house.

There needs to be some balance here. If you have this disease, this blog is not something you are going to want to read....unless you want to make life for your spouse a little easier. If you have type 1, I doubt this blog is for you either.

If you really want to know the frustrations that your spouse might be feeling, if you really want to hear the voice of a woman who is married to a man who does not take care of his out-of-control diabetes, keep reading. If you have highs and lows and don't remember what happened, then read here. If your spouse tells you things that you don't remember, or you don't believe, then read here.

I will continue to write my own, very personal, thoughts on this disease as a view that most of you may not want to hear. I will continue to moderate comments and I will not allow any that come from angry diabetics. Sorry, it's my blog and I will set my own rules. I just wanted to post this to clarify where I am coming from.

That being said, may all of you women have a wonderful Mother's Day weekend. If you are the spouse to a diabetic, I especially hope your day is calm and level...you deserve that at least one day a year!

Things do change.

We live 15 hours by car from my in-laws, or it's 6 hours to fly/drive. In the 33 years since my husband left home, he has always been with his mother on Mother's Day. It's the one thing he made quite clear when we got married. And that's always been fine with me.

He told me today that his knees and hips hurt too much to even try and fly down and there's no way that he's driving. Now, before some of you jump the gun and decide to write and tell me this has nothing to do with his diabetes, let me explain that for him, it does. His kidney function is down to 30%. That means that his kidneys cannot remove uric acid from his blood. So it deposits the uric acid crystal in his joints. His joints swell and become red and inflammed. And they hurt him so bad that he cannot walk. Sometimes it presents itself as gouty lumps and he has surgery to have them removed when they exceed the size of a grapefruit. Usually those appear on his elbow.

He has started taking drugs for this and he's been about 50/50 recently on his low purine diet. I'd say that he has a hamburger, hotdog or steak once a week....but that is down from 5-6 times a week in the past.

So things do change. Sadly. His parents are in their late 70s and I know that his mom looks forward to having him with her on Mother's day. But if he can't make a 6 hour trip right now...that tells me that his pain level is much worse that he is letting on.

It just makes you wonder where he will be a year from now?

Drugs

Several have asked me to post the drugs hubby takes. As best I can tell, here they are.

I'd have to go back and look at my notes, but on the Novolin, he does both at 6 am, then one at 6 pm and the other one at 10 pm and I'm not sure of the doseages.


Gemfibrozil 600MG x2/day for cholesterol

Simvastatin 40MG x1/2/day for cholesterol

Clindamycin 150mg x3/day for infection

Novolin R 100U/ML

Novolin N 100U/ML

Allopurinol 100mg x4/day for gout

Furosemide 20mg x 1/day for fluid retention

Lisinopril 20mg x 1/day fro high blood pressure

Tramadol 50mg x 1 every 6 hours for pain

So in addition to diabetes, he is being treated for high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and tophus gout. The Clindamycin is for the infections in his joints. He also does a lot of Tylenol arthritis and Pepcid AC. And I think that's it.

Kidney function is holding at 30%

He has postponed his March physical once again. Now it is scheduled for this Friday. He is complaining that his hips and knees hurt so bad he can barely walk or sit. I'm pretty sure it's because of the gnarls on his feet and he walks on the outside edges of his feet....that would be enough to throw off anyone's knees and hips.

Good news....he found a pair of shoes to fit his feet. Size 10 WWW at SAS. First time in 3 years that he has had "real" shoes on his feet. WWW in order to fit around all the gnarly growths on his feet. They only had one pair, so he has ordered a second pair and hopefully they will arrive this week.

Another quiet day as he went into the office. I plan to get loads done!

Only a few more hours....

and hubby returns from his business trip. I have to say, the past 5 days have been sheer bliss. There have been moments when I have just sat here on the sofa and listened to the quiet. I've not had to fix him a darn thing in 5 whole days! I've not had to look at his feet, watch him hobble, take him the phone.....and it has been a little slice of heaven!

What have I done? Well, 2 days were spent with my best friend at a local event we attended. I spent a whole day out shopping. Did a little yardwork and visited another friend. OK...I think I had a touch of a normal life this week!

I did not have to pick up after him, or clean up after him. When I pulled something out of the pantry, it got put back. When I dropped something on the floor, I reached over and picked it up. I think at times, his pain level must be so high that he just can't do simple tasks like that. But on the other hand, he could go out and get himself one of those little grabber thingies! LOL!

Does diabetes make a person lazy? Where is the defining point between living a normal life (picking up the piece of envelope that dropped on the floor) and being in so much pain that you can't bend over to pick it up....or "using" the disease as an excuse to not pick it up?

Good question, huh?

When does a diabetic "give up" and decide to eat all the greasy french fries and sugary drinks that they want rather than saying "no" and eating the right foods?

Do some diabetics never make that choice because they remain in denial that they have this disease?

Do some diabetics consciously make a choice to live the remainder of their lives exactly as they want because they would rather live life to the fullest than die taking a zillion drugs to contol their lives?

Do some diabetics make their choices based on religious beliefs? I went to high school with a gal who's dad died from this disease because he refused to take any type of drugs whatsoever based on their religion. He was a pretty young man when he died. He had 7 children.

Do diabetics have the right to make those kinds of decisions when they have children and spouses that have to deal with the outcome of those decisions?

Feel free to answer those questions.....but I'm going to sit here and contend that spouses and children have the primary rights when it comes to a diabetic and the decisions that they make because I have learned that he cannot remember, and when he is in a low or a high, he cannot make a "healthy" choice for himself.

So....he's on a business trip with a bunch of his work peers. You KNOW he has been eating fried hamburgers, french fries, ice cream sundaes all week long! I dread what will arrive home today as I'm sure he will be on a total sugar high for the next few days.

For the next couple of hours, I'm going to sit here in the quiet solitude of this house and just listen to the silence!

It's NOT my job!!!!

Someone posted the following in response to one of my comments:

"If you thought he was low, why didn't you ask him to test and have him eat something sugary?"

and it got my dander up just a tad!

Why on earth does anyone out there think it's the spouse's job to do this?????

OK....if the diabetic individual was doing everything in their power to take care of themselves, i.e., eating healthy, testing, drinking fluids, keeping meds on schedule, exercising, getting therapy.....then I could see perhaps doing this to help them.

But when the patient refuses to do anything to help themselves.....why on earth would you think that the spouse is responsible to help them?

Sorry, I just don't get this one at all.

Sorry, but he has to grow up, get out of his denial, get past his grief, and get on with his life. I cannot do that for him. And I'm not about to put myself into the path of his wrath by suggesting there is any problem with his diabetes! I do need to protect myself.

But seriously. He's not going to take care of himself. Why is it my job to take care of him? Yes, I love him dearly. But he is not 5 or 15 or 25 or 35 or..... he is more than old enough and capable enough to test his own blood, eat healthy, exercise and so on. But since he denies there is a problem......he certainly is not going to do anything to fix something that's not broken.

Sad, isn't it?

Liar! Liar! Liar! Liar!

Second issue this morning. I spent yesterday out with a dear friend. We were driving in the car and like a lightening bolt...it hit me that hubby was supposed to go in for his physical on Thursday (the day before). He either lied to me (he really did not have his annual physical scheduled for Thursday) or he spaced it out and did not go. We were both home all day long on Thursday.

This was supposed to be the visit where he gets his new A1c....and they give him a new kidney function level. I really do not think he "forgot"....I think it was never scheduled.

I think the guy is totally incapable of telling me the truth when it comes to his diabetes. But why lie? Why?

And of course....today is NOT going to be the day I ask him anything! LOL!

Have I mentioned lately how much I HATE this disease?????

Weekend War?

I tried sleeping in the same room with him last night. Why? Why on earth do I think that I need to sleep with him just because I'm married to him? Went to bed about 10 pm. Put on the headsets and started to watch a movie on my little DVD player to drown out the TV. He had the volume set to 33 which is not all that bad...my headsets will muffle the surround sound.

Next thing I know....I'm hearing guns and booms and I look up...he's upped his volume to 44! I should have known right then and there he was going into a crash. But you know....some things I just never learn. So I simply turned up the volume on my DVD player and started to snooze off.

About midnight, he got up, banged the doors on his wardrobe, turned off the TV and left the room. Absolutely no idea what he was doing other than the door banging totally work me up.

Fell right back to sleep.

About 3:30 am....I woke up to a thud on the bed. He was throwing those heavy foam pillows on the bed. I just laid there...trying to get out of my sleepy fog. He flopped down on the bed so hard that I raised off my side of the bed. I still just laid there. About 10 minutes later, he was snoring and of course....I was wide awake.

So I decided to just get up and come work in my studio.

At 6:45 am, I hear a thud....a door bang...and then I hear the alarm on my cell phone. It was ringing. He had gotten out of bed. Walked over to my makeup table, unplugged it, gone all the way back across the bedroom, opened the door, walked out into the hall, and thrown it over the balcony onto the sofa downstairs in the living room!!!!

Yet he couldn't just open the flap and turn it off????

I'm in the basement and I hear it ring, so I go upstairs to find it. Went all the way to the upstairs as that's where I'd left it plugged in. Not there. Still ringing. Find it on the sofa. Go back upstairs and ask him, "did you throw my cell phone downstairs?" He says, "no." I said, "You did too!" He said, "No I did not". I said, "I heard you open the door and I heard it hit the sofa!" He said, "I turned it off and 10 minutes later it rang again. You do the same thing to my alarm clock." I said, "I have NEVER thrown your alarm clock down stairs!!!" And I walked out of the room cursing him all the way down the stairs.

It has NOTHING to do with him throwing the cell phone down on the sofa. It has EVERYTHING to do with him waking me up at 3:30 and I quietly leave the room....but if I (via my cell phone) wake him up...he HAS to make a scene.

Weekend war? I think it just started.

Age 10? I think he is there. So my question this morning...has there been any kind of study done to show that a diabetic who is having complete and total out-of-control sugar levels reverts to the IQ and age of a 10 year old? I swear. There has to be come coorelationship to this. I cannot believe that a 50something year old man will pick up a cell phone and throw it over the balcony just because he can't figure out how to turn it off. I KNOW he's in the middle of a low. I just know it.

The other day, he commented that I treat him like a child.

Well...duh! He's certainly acting like a child today!

He's gone back to bed and I'm leaving here in half an hour and may just be gone all day long. I'm so not going to deal with him this weekend. NOT even going to try!

I HATE this disease.

Marijuana and diabetis

I've done all the research on this that's available on the internet. Marijuana does provide pain relief. BUT it also impacts the release of glucose into the body and sets off yet another rollercoaster affect. Sort of the same thing as if you hit your finger with a hammer and started screaming....there's that rush that forces the body to generate glucose and release it.....which follows with a low.

But he seems to think the occassional relief of pain is worth the roller coaster ride.

After all....he's inside the ride...he's not on the outside watching the total destruction that's going on.


Anyone else watching the ride, wondering when the body is going to go fly off and hit a brick wall and come to a screatching stop?

Drama! Drama! Drama!!!

NEVER ask a diabetic a question! My new rule. He called me into his office as his company has changed life insurance carriers and he can up his insurance one time without a physical. He wanted to know if he should do that. I said I couldn't see why not. So with that as the lead in, I asked him if I could join him for his next physical. And he totally blew up at me, yelling and screaming. Which was interrpted by a business call.

So I give up. I will not ask him again and I will not be going with him to his physical.

I got up and came to my studio and just sat here. I nearly started a blog. I knew that as soon as his meeting was over, he would be down here apologizing, kissing me. And he was.

It's this total, constant roller coaster of emotions that I cannot deal with. Yes....I created the roller coaster. I did not need to ask him if I could go to his physical. But it really is "my" disease in that I have no idea what the prognosis is, I do not know what drugs he is taking let alone the contradictions of these drugs....and I would like to know.

But I guess I will continue to live in the dark, and continue to learn as much as I can about this disease.