Three months

Hard to believe that it has been 3 months since he passed away.  I continue to learn.  I continue to grieve.  I continue to be surprised at life.

He and I had such a full life.  Even with diabetes.  I only wrote about the diabetes here and I realize now I should have written more about our overall life.  It was kind of amazing.  We had 20 years together.  We traveled so much before he had his heart attack 9 years ago.  He took me backpacking in Europe with a train pass.  We did a 2 week cruise through the Panama Canal.  We used to go to Hualtaco Mexico every year.  He took me to Hawaii, the big 50 for my "big 50" birthday party.

The man loved buying jewelry and would shower me with gifts.  Any occasion.  And he loved giving me flowers.  He made me laugh.  Even on our very last trip in our little travel trailer....I can't tell you how many times we laughed about the little things in life, about the mistakes we made camping, or over our 2 chihuahuas.....who definitely had their own opinions about camping!

I find myself focusing on the good memories.  And I think that's what we all do when someone we love has passed away.  Yet there are moments when I can't get past his diabetes and the all-consuming issues it brought to us on a daily basis.  The constant, never-ending roller coaster ride of highs and lows, emotional outbursts, devastating threats....that had become a way of life the past few years.

Life goes on in a very different way when your partner dies.

Snow came early to this tiny valley this year.  Took everyone by surprise....as did the cold snap.  I got my sprinklers blown out just in the nick of time.  The pond drained, the fountain drained, the gazebo curtains packed.....and I missed him because he would help me fold the curtains and get them packed away.  It's those little things that we did together.  He was there holding the ladder for me.  I used to laugh and think that if I did fall off of it....there's very little he could have done.  But at least he was there holding on to it.   I still think of him all the time.

So, I dropped a box on my foot 2 days after he died and broke it (unknown to me).  That is still causing me some difficulty....but it is healing.  And it does slow me down.  I have my days when I just sit in the recliner most of the day.  But I am making progress.  Both bathrooms and 2 bedrooms, the hall, living room and kitchen have all been gutted, cleaned, painted and ready for when I put the house on the market.

Everything is either packed for storage (not much at all) donated, sold, or boxed to go on ebay next months.  

It just takes time.

I think my best advice for this stage is to follow your heart.  If you are sad, let yourself just be sad.  For an hour or so.  Make lists.  So that when that hour or so are up, you have a place to go to see what needs to be done next.  All the easy tasks are done on my list.  LOL!!!

Break down the harder tasks into a series of smaller tasks.  Clean the guest bedroom becomes something like this:

1)  clean out the closet
      a) 3 bags:  goodwill/storage/trash
2) take paintings, art off the walls
3) putty holes - let dry overnight
4) prep room for painting/tape windows and walls
5) paint
6) rehang paintings just enough for staging

When I break it down like that, each task becomes simple and manageable.....not nearly as overwhelming as "clean guest bedroom".

And then there's the process of downsizing.  Six years ago we moved from 3700 SF into 1120 SF.  You'd think I would be used to this!  Now I'm thinking of moving into 500 - 700 SF.  So here's my process when I look at each item:

1)  is it something that I use on a daily basis?
     a) yes - keep
     b) no, then

2) is it something that has historical family value?
    a) yes - find a new family member to give it to
    b) no, then:

3) is it something that I honestly need to keep?

Here are a couple of examples of that process.  Flour.  Do I use it every day?  No!  Do I need to keep it?  Yep - for obvious reasons.  But, I went from a 10# storage container to a 5# container as I know I will never use 10# again at one time.  My next question is can I reduce to a 2.5# container?  When will I ever use more than 2.5# at one time and I can always go to the store and replenish.  So yep, I'm now down to just 2.5# of flour and sugar.  Definitely space saving!

Another example.  Shoes.  ha ha!  This was a tough one for me and trust me, I have shoes!  Summer, winter, boots, sandals, flips, water shoes, waterproof shoes, dress shoes, tennis shoes, casual shoes.

1)  have I worn them in the last year?
     a) no - donate to a charity
     b)  yes, then

2)  are they really comfortable, or did I just wear them once or twice?
     a)  once or twice - donate
     b)  comfy, then

3) think of the aging process - how likely are you to wear them at least once a week?  with more than one outfit? are they a good color for a lot of different occasions?  are they sturdy, will they last you for more than a year to come if worn often?

I think you get the gist of the questioning process.  I'm down from 40 pr of shoes (I said I had a lot!) to 15 pairs.....which is still way too many, but it was a start for me!  I had a few pairs of very expensive shoes/boots that will go on ebay.  But I gave numerous pairs to a local charity.  And of course, if they were worn at all, they just went into the trash!

As I continue to clean and sort, this is the process that I go through.  But there are more difficult questions.  IF I were to move into a studio apartment, about 500SF, then I would be going into the "tiny house" arena and that will create a whole new through process.....something in the back of my mind but something that I'm avoiding at the moment!  It's so hard to imagine doing "tiny house" living when he and I had such a gigantic life in so many ways!  Yet at the same time, death always brings change and I need to learn to embrace these changes.

Social life.  I have to force myself to be social.  I'm just not ready.  Yet I realize that this, too is part of the grief process and I need to force myself to be social.  I have declined so many invitations to join other people in their activities.  But that will change.  I have started out by taking an art class.  With some people I already know and some new people.  Classes are good because you don't have to force a conversation like you would at a meal.  In a couple of weeks I'm flying to Arizona to an art retreat.  Five whole days of art.  It's a class type setting so once again, I can just sit and learn.  Fill my mind with something completely entertaining (for me!).

Meditating.  I have a very deep spiritual life and prayer is my mediation.  I can definitely see the value in that.  If I didn't have it, I would be lost.  And it is one of the key components of the grief process....some type of meditation.  It helps me to slow down.  To take time to breathe.  To listen.   Three months of some very deep grieving and I don't know if I'm done yet or not.  I don't think so.  Something in my mind is telling me that I may never get past this in a lot of ways.  Yet at the same time, I know I am moving forward and making progress towards the next chapter of my life.

In the last 3 months my life has changed in a lot of ways, yet some things have remained exactly the same as they were.  I don't know what I expected but I am content with where I am at this moment.  And that makes me happy.  :)

DW