It's over

He passed away Monday evening.

Because he was on hospice care, I kept a log in their manual.  I'll post what I wrote:


7/16
9:55 am  I called hospice.  No one had called or come out since Friday night when we registered with them.  We had requested pain meds and anti-anxiety meds.  And this morning, we need to refill his nitroglycerin tabs

He got up and walked down the hall without oxygen to the kitchen.  I fixed him breakfast. We sat at the table and chatted.  He went to the bathroom, changed his shirt, brushed his teeth, shaved, took his meds and put his contacts in.  I thought, "wow!  we're going to have a good day!"

11:45 am.  He lost consciousness for 2-5 minutes.  Glucose 110.  H20 99.  HB 65.  I called again and said I needed someone here ASAP.  My brother had just arrived for a visit.

Called both sisters and brother=in=law to come.

11:55.  Donna here.  She was the nurse.  BP 80/40.  Ox 70 with CPAP.  He asked for morphine. He had refused it before.  He pulled me down close to his mouth and said, "if my throat swells shut, don't do anything to stop it."  His pain was at an 8.

As a note, the last time he had morphine was 2000 and he had vomited violently and his throat had swollen shut.  So he had declined it up until now.

I said to him, "you know what this means?" and he said, "the end".

The nurse started him with a low dose of diluted for pain and lorazepam for his anxiety.  She left to go get oral morphine

1:48  gave him .3 ml morphine.  he dozed off.

2:28  he woke up, tried to sit up.  Said he feels fluid building in his chest.

3:02  .3 ml morphine.  pain at a 4+

3:22  pain at a 6.  took a nitro tab

3:48  pain 8, radiating from his chest down both arms

4:00  gave him his dilaudid and lorazepan.  Pain at 8.  .3ml morphone

4:07 pain still at 8, no relief

4:17 called hospice, pain still at 8

4:29  pain at 6

he calmed down.  Sent my sisters and bro-in-law home.  My brother stayed.

5:08  pain at 8  .3ml morphine

5:19  pain at 8.  nitro tab

5:40.  nurse called.  She said to increase the morphine to 1ml - a full syringe.  It goes under the tongue to dissolve.  It was ok to go ahead and give it to him now.  I asked him if he wants it and he said yes.  Given at 5:45 pm.

He said that when he lies back in his chair (he had been in the recliner all day) that it feels like his lungs are filling up so he stayed at about a 30-45 degree angle.  He was having lots of sharp shooting pain episodes.  You could tell because he would burrow his brows and wince from the pain.

6:23  Nurse called.  His pain was 7-8

6:33  h2o 99  HB 80.  He didn't want morphine

6:46  pain still at an 8

6:57  intense pain, gave him a nitro tab

7:00  he had another episode - jerking movements, rolled his eyes back up into his head, grabbed his left chest

7:05  he asked for morphine - gave him 1ml

7:10  I was holding his hand, sitting next him.  He started clutching my hand really hard and I said, "sweetie, you can grab as hard as you want."  He looked at me with so much sadness in his eyes, then he clutched his heart, came forward in the chair and I could tell he was in excruciating pain.  I was crying and I kept apologizing that there was nothing I could do, nothing else I could give him to help him.  He went into a seizure and then he quit - everything quit.  He stopped breathing.  It was over at 7:15 pm.

I thought I was going to die right there with him.  I cried and cried.  I was so helpless.  He had been in so much pain all day long and there was nothing anyone could do for him.  My brother, sisters, brother-in-law had been in and out of the room.  I didn't leave anymore than I absolutely had to.  I just kept talking to him, telling him it was going to be ok.  Telling him how much I loved him, how good he had been to me.

I felt sorry for the nurse.  She was there with us most of the day, but she had another patient in a neighboring town and she had left about 6 pm.  I think she stayed past her quitting time.

I'm not sure what the death certificate will say, but it will be his heart.  Not diabetes.  That's so unfair. Yet it was his heart that gave out.  I know that.

The night nurse came to check his vitals.  His time of death will be listed at 7:39 pm.  She called the mortuary and it took them about an hour to get here.

I saw with him the entire hour.  I had time alone to say the things I wanted to.  I had already said them to him a number of times in the past week....but I needed to say them again.  I know that in the end, he loved me.  He had made peace with his children and his brother.  He was ready.  But not being able to relieve his pain is something I will never forget.  I was not prepared for him to suffer that much, that long.  I had thought that with hospice, they would do more to comfort him.  But they couldn't.

I had to call his son.  I couldn't get ahold of his daughter so asked his son to do that.  Called his brother who had been texting me all day.  Those were tough calls to make.  His daughter called me.  Each time I had to go over the above scenario.  I was unprepared for that.

The hall back to his room is narrow and it's a sharp corner.  They couldn't get the gurney into the room.  I couldn't watch.  I know they took a cot in, put him on the cot, and somehow got him outside. I don't know why - but there are some things you just don't need to see.  That was my line.  I stood outside and waited for them to bring him out.  That was probably a mistake.  But for whatever reason, I was suffocating and I couldn't stay inside the house another moment.  My brother was at my side.  My brother-in-law was helping get his body out.  Watching his body leave the house will probably be imbedded in my mind forever.

And then I went numb.  I just felt nothing.  Probably because I was drained.  I sat in my recliner surrounded by my siblings.  I wanted to be alone.  That wasn't going to happen.  My brother-in-law finally left to go home and take care of their cats and dog.  My brother stayed til 10 pm.  Then my 2 sisters asked which one should stay.  One had taken a pain pill and I didn't want her to drive, the other lives 2 blocks away, so she went home.  I tried to sleep in my bed, but ended up in the recliner.  I did take a sleeping pill.  My brain just wouldn't shut down.

This morning my sisters took me to breakfast and then to the mortuary.  He wanted to be cremated.  He did not want a funeral, viewing, obituary.  He made that part simple.  The contract was short.  Yet still, $1500.  I paid cash.  It will take 5 days to get the death certificates and there's not much one can do until then.

Got back to the house and sent my sisters home.  I needed to be alone.  I needed a long hot bath.  I think I had a shower Friday morning before I went to the hospital to bring him home.

Then I tried to get into his computer.  He said that there was an app called 1password on his desktop and all his passwords were in that.  Well, that app wasn't there.  I couldn't get into his iPad or laptop.  But I managed to get into his iPhone and from there I finally (after 4 hours) found an app with a different name that had his laptop and iPad passwords.  I'm in all those....but I'm unable to access his bank accounts online.   So even though I thought we were prepared....we weren't.  Lesson learned.

Someone asked me if I would keep blogging once he passed.  I'm not sure.  But I think I will for a few days/weeks.  It's good therapy and I do need to continue to keep notes until this is complete.

It's been a very long 2 days.  It's 1:30 am.  I can't sleep.  But maybe now that I've written this down, I can let go and won't have to repeat it over and over in my head.

DW