100% blockage of heart

The actual words the doctor used were "100% blockage of natural vessels".  What are "natural vessels"?  They are the veins in your heart that you are born with.  That is what his angiogram showed.  The 3 bypass veins have some blockage.  They are too fragile to put a stint in.  In order to clean out the plaque, they would have to go in with a DRILL and literally drill out the plaque.  Instead they are going to use drug therapy to try and increase the blood flow in his heart.

Which is at 30%.  So during the angiogram they were not able to stint anything.

He probably had another heart attack around 7 pm yesterday.  I had come home.  He was resting when I left.  I cannot drive at night.  It is 3 am.  I cannot sleep.  I have a bag packed to go and stay.  I swore I would never do that again.  But I will.

Is he dying?  This time?  Has he died and they haven't called me yet?  It is nearly impossible to keep from having panic.  I honestly do not want him to go just yet.  We had such a wonderful time overall on this last trip.  But I don't want him to suffer and with that much blockage, how can he not?

A little before 7 pm last night I called him.  I face-timed him as I wanted him to see is beloved chihuahuas.  He said, "can I call you back? I'm having a really bad time right now and I have 8 people in here with me."

So I sat here for 45 minutes trying to decide if I should drive back or not.  An hour drive.  I kept waiting thinking he would call back. He didn't.  I called my sister.  I packed a bag to go and just stay. After 45 minutes, I called again.  He answered and turned on face time.  He said he thought he had gotten over heated and that brought on severe chest pain.  They brought in a fan, re-hooked up his nitro drip and were adjusting meds.  He had gotten sick to his stomach.  But he was better.  He did not want me to come up.  He wanted me to get a good nights sleep.  And honestly, I was so completely, utterly exhausted I promised him I'd just go to bed.  Which I did.

And now it's 3 am and I'm wide awake.   And can think.  Was that another heart attack?  More damage?  How can he possibly survive this?

His brother is driving about 900 miles to come see him.  I have called his daughter who has pancreatitis and just got out of the ER and isn't well enough to drive an hour to come see him.  She has called her brother who is estranged from his dad at the moment.  Perhaps this will remedy that?  I really can't worry about that dynamic at the moment.

30% heart flow.  35% kidney function before they injected him with dye (they will run another kidney function test later today), 100% blockage of his natural veins.  Partial blockage of his bypasses.  My life will change one way or the other.

I know that I have to stay positive around him.  So yesterday afternoon we sat and planned our next camping trip.  For late October.  I told him he should be all well by then.  We decided where we want to go - places he wants to see.  I called to make reservations at a site we had heard about and he was so happy that I was able to get us in (sometimes you need to book a year in advance for these spots).  I realize that I may have to cancel, but it kept him motivated yesterday.  I have learned that you need a goal in life to keep you going.  I never dreamed that a camping spot would be a "goal"!

I have moments when I go completely numb.  I can't process anything.  Usually when the doctor is giving us more information.  I know that's denial.  Pure and simple.  I have been telling everyone that he will be fine.  When I woke up I realized that he won't.  It's time to tell people to come say their good byes and if he somehow survives this time, they can come say them again.  At this very moment I don't think I have the emotional and physical strength it will take me to get through today.....but I also know that it will come from somewhere.  I'm leaving as soon as it gets light outside.

There are moments when I go through the entire house in my head, rearrange everything so we can get a hospital bed, oxygen tank, etc. in his room.  My neighbors are really young and have offered to help.  I will take them up on that one when the time comes.  It's not "if the time comes", but rather "when the time comes."  If he even gets to come home.

How many more heart attacks can his body withstand?  I don't think there is an answer to that.  Yet it's one of the zillion questions you ask yourself at this very moment.  We say goodbye to each other every time I leave the room.  I wonder if he will still be there when I come back.

This hospital has been amazing.  The staff is incredible.  They are in his room every 10 minutes if not more often.  We've never experienced that.  His every need is being met.  The bed works!  All of the machines work.  None of our past problems with hospital stays.  We have even joked about it.  But it is a really nice thing when you don't have to be dealing with equipment failure.  When he had his spinal fusion surgery,  he would call me at home to call the nurse's station because his call button wouldn't work.  At this hospital, I already trust them to be there checking on him every 10 minutes.  He knows they will be back.  That definitely relieves a level of anxiety for both of us.

When this moment arrives, everything else in life stops.  I literally have no appetite.  I put my phone on do not disturb when I am with him.  I am basically writing this so I don't forget.  You cannot stop the "what-if's".  They swirl around in your brain non-stop.  But you simply don't answer them.  They just hang there.  Then you tell yourself and him and everyone around you that we just take this one step at a time.  Get him to ER.  Get him to a cardiac hospital.  Get the angiogram done and see what the results are.  Get the new medications in him and see if he has an allergic reaction, see how his kidneys handle them, see if he has more pain.  Wait for the next suggestion from the doctor.

After his angiogram yesterday, the surgeon said, "we do not know where the heart attack is coming from."  To me this meant that there is no single spot of blockage, nothing they can directly track the heart attack to.  But with 100% blockage I'm thinking that it came from everywhere.  There is no single spot.....it's his heart stopping.  With 30% blood flow, oxygen is not getting to his brain.  Is a stroke next?

Then I remind myself that I cannot do the "what-if" game.  We simply take this one moment at a time.  Today I will start calling family and tell them to come visit.  That's the next step.  Saying goodbye when you don't know if it's goodbye.  Really hard to do.

DW