Saturday already???

Life is a blurr. It's all so busy, so frantic, so hectic. So incredibly frustrating. He stopped his oxycodine and went to 4 ES Tylenol every 4 hours. Of course, the nurse went ballistic. She called me last night and told ME to google how much he could have? Well, of course, I can find that 4G for an adult in 24 hours is the max.....but what about an adult in kidney failure? Why am I the one doing the googling? She is the RN!!! I finally quit after getting so frustrated with the whole concept of me doing her job!

The clinic nurse called yesterday and gave me the number to call nephrology. I called them and they can't see him til April 1??? I said, do you know why he needs to be seen? She said, it's a regular follow up appointment. I said, "NO!" and explained what he's been through. They had not received any faxes from the hospital, have no idea what is going on.

So I called the hospital case manager. Friday afternoon. Not in. Left a message.

Called the clinic nurse and told her what happened. She will call her liaison at the hospital, but since it's Friday afternoon, she asked me to call her back on Monday to see where we are.

I swear....once again....the burden of tracking and following up is on me.

What if I don't do it? What if we just wait until April 1 to go to nephrology? I'm certain that his kidney function will have decreased enough that he will need dialysis by then.....especially if he continues with the high does of tylenol.

The oxycodine puts him completely out. Unable to wake up to go to the bathroom. But if he can't take tylenol....what else is there? Vicadin, Darvocet....all those,make him sick to his stomach.

I taught art classes last night. I was gone for 6 hours. He failed to write down his glucose, failed to write down how much insulin he gave himself.....just didn't chart anything.

And it got me to thinking.....does he simply want to die? I cannot stay home with him 24/7. I just can't. I need to have contact with the outside world. So I'm teaching an art class one day a week. I know he does not want me to leave. Even if my sister is here. And I had told her to act like she wasn't here so we could see how he would do on his own.

I am really tired of being the only person who seems to want to take care of him. I may give it up. I may just quit. If he does go back into the hosptial, I already know that I will not do what I did this last time. I will not chart. I will not be there 24/7. And I have told him this. He knows that if he goes back into the hospital, I will not be there every step of the way. We got him home...now it is his job to keep himself at home.

Of course, he says he is not going back into the hospital. But I know the moment they tell him he has to go, he will. And honestly, I'm too tired.

So many other things going on that are so much worse than what I am dealing with and that helps me. But so sad. My sister-in-law's mom who is about my age had surgery yesterday to remove multiple brain tumors and they give her very little chance of surviving. My best friend from my childhood had a grandson born 2 days ago and he is on a ventilator and needs a heart operation that has very very little chance of survival. Her dad was in the hospital and walked out. Her mom is ill. They are both in their mid 80s and she is taking care of them. Another childhood friend is going in for surgery to have a recurring tumor removed from her spinal column. So...see, I really don't have it so bad, do I?

I think that when you can look outside what is going on in your own life and figure out that there are others who are much worse off than you are, it give some meaning to what you are doing, some purpose. I also know that no matter what happens here.....I will be ok.

DW